choosing not to cope well?

**trigger for alcohol, SI** Please be safe guys.

I need some time to think before I reply to all your responses. sanityseeker, your responses sound VERY familiar to me. All of you, I don't know what I'd do without your words of wisdom. Please don't feel bad if your responses don't "seem" to help, because they REALLY, REALLY are helping me think through this and hopefully this whole episode of craziness will be over soon.



Despite everything, I'm still f**king up. Last night I drank a bunch of wine with a friend thinking that would make me feel better and would be self-destructive enough to keep me from SI. Instead, I got drunk, went to the bathroom, and picked out all the scabs of my cuts with a razorblade. While my friend was there. Great idea. Yeah my friend figured something was wrong when I didn't come out of the bathroom for like a half an hour. She came knocking on the door and all the sudden I "woke up" and just started sobbing. Blood was all over the bathroom -- the tub, the floor, the sink... I wouldn't let her come in, cleaned it all up with toilet paper, washed my leg off in the shower.. but when I came out, there was blood on my forehead I didn't know about, and she knew what happened, and she just started crying. And then I started sobbing again.

Oh.
My.
God.

(((((jexa))))))

((((((((((((jexa))))))))))))

I hesitate to ask this, but do you think you need to go to the hospital? I just want you to be safe because you are a VERY special person and you deserve to feel better!!!!! I wish I could do something more than send you these online hugs. Please ask for more help from someone--your T, or others.

(((((((Jexa)))))))

I wish I had the words to make you feel better. I read your post and there was so much pain. Sadly, alcohol being a depressant wont make you feel better. I wish I could take your blade away from you, but really it is your decision to give it up. Is there any way you can get in to see your T more than once a week right now? I'm worried you are going to do permanent damage to yourself. More than just scars. Please take care of yourself. You don't deserve the pain. The cutting might seem like the answer in the short term, but in the long term it is worse. Please take care of yourself.

bummer, I know you feel sad! No new ones, still 40?
I hope your friend gave you a hug so you could cry together.
The alcohol lets the emotions come out, turns off the self-control. I keep thinking that some alcohol would really help my pain, or some W33D, yeah W33D would be awesome... sigh, not really. It's just going to make it all accessible and then leave me feeling rotten the next day.

Today your physical healing begins again. Not sure when you have therapy, soon I hope so you can spill some of these feelings out in session where it is safe. Take the care of your T while you still have her

blackcanary, I just want to say that you have a lot of wisdom. I really enjoy your posts. Thank you

(((((jexa))))))

You call it ****ing up but it sounds to me as though you both did and didn't want to tell her something and this was the solution you came up with. You'll get to see, over the next few days or so, how it worked for you. In time you'll come up with ways to communicate even more clearly that aren't so hard on you.

One likely result is that you'll soon find out which of your friends are and aren't willing to stick around and hear more. Of course if they don't freak out, you'll then be faced with the problem of what to say next.

I often have trouble using good coping mechanisms. I agree with what was said above, that for me I fear using good coping mechanisms will make people not understand how much pain I'm in and will assume I'm doing better than I am. I used to hide my pain a lot and when I would try to just talk about it people wouldn't take me seriously. Though even with bad coping mechanisms my pain often isn't taken seriously... But my psychologist and psychiatrist are great and never invalidating. My mother has also been better in recent years in understanding how sensitive I am and how I have difficulty implementing good coping mechanisms.

Yes, consider this option. At least think about letting someone else take care of you for awhile and keep you safe. It's hard, but it's another resource to help get you through this.

I'm thinking of you and hoping you are getting by ok.

Again, thanks all. It's sort of overwhelming to think of replying to you all but BELIEVE ME it is a HUGE comfort to me to come here and feel like you're all actually THERE. It's like never really being alone.

Thanks rainbow and lookingforpolaris for the concern, but I'm not going to the hospital. I don't have health insurance, for one, and anyway, I'll get by. I've never been in the hospital for mental health and I just don't.. I just can't do that. No way. I have a friend I can call if in need though. She used to work in a crisis center / inpatient unit and she is my friend IRL who knows about my struggle. She knows a lot about SI, suicidality, etc. Today I showed her my cuts because I was scared they were getting infected and she even is going to bring me some antibiotics she has stockpiled. So I guess I'm trying to say I have a friend who cares about me, who sees me several times a week, and I'm pretty sure I can call her if I need help.

BlackCanary, yes, still 40. I'm definitely not going over that number.

I have therapy tomorrow night. Well.. *looks at clock* technically tonight. At 6:30. Blah, I don't want to go. I picked out all the scabs of my cuts again with a blade today.. so technically the only day I went without SI this week was Tuesday. So, great. I get to talk about why I can't stop the SI. Should make for a FANTASTIC hour of therapy.

It is good to hear you have a friend like that you can call. What a blessing she is for you. I hope you have a good session tomorrow. I know how hard it can be sometimes. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jexa,

What if you don't talk about the SI at all? What if you just talk about T moving, and the big feelings that that brings up (or that it would bring up if you weren't using the SI)?

I know that in the past, I've used everything from bad coping behaviors to giant fights with T to avoid talking about the *real* issue. Will talking about the SI really help? Or will talking about T and your feelings help more?

Thinking of you

T cancelled.
T cancelled.

T called and she sounded so terribly sick.

T cancelled.
T cancelled.

I can't. I can't. Rescheduled for Monday. Gotta live through this, somehow survive the weekend. Ohhhhh my God.

Psych Central is available 24 hours every day...

You stopped at 40 - so, even though you are not letting those 40 heal yet, you did stop at 40. Maybe now set yourself a 40 hour time line for letting them heal? In this desert, there are dark temptations but also angels who take care of us.

I've been missing originalT all week, ended up leaving him a VM last night (after happy hour, ahem) at his new office, asking for an appt. My inner teenager - home to all the intense feelings - really needs to get it all out with him. I think that Tree is right - talking about the pain of the parting is what I'm avoiding, talking about how much I loved him is so embarrassing (You see, I love this guy who is not my husband....)
There is that super tender needy place inside you and me that truly loves the T and does not want to separate from the T, even though our adult selves understand that this is part of life. I'm seriously trying to figure out what to do for this needy one inside me, what will help her -- what is possible vs. what she really wants.

SO sorry to hear about the cancellation!!!!
Getting to Monday: Lots of friends. Movies. Walks. Movies on TV. Naps. Grocery store and make a fun dinner. Love yourself

((((((Jexa))))))

I'm so sorry your T is sick. That is the pits. As pachy said, we are here for you. Can you visit with your friend this weekend? I know for me having someone around helps. Can you go out in public (to a movie or something) so that you don't have the privacy to be able to cut? Take care of yourself. We are here for you.

argh. Jexa, I am so sorry. What horrible timing for your T to get sick! It makes my heart sink just thinking about it. So sorry sweetie

Pachy is right, though, PC is here 24/7 and we will help you in any way possible. You are not alone. We will get through this weekend together. Keep breathing, Jexa.

A note from the Community Support Team:

We decided that, although the first part of this thread was still on topic for Psychotherapy, the replies beyond here were on a different topic. What used to be the last 8 posts in this thread are now the beginning of a new thread (with the same title) in the Self Injury forum.

You may wish to post replies to either or both threads, depending on whether your reply is more about therapy or about SI.

Jexa, I hope you won't mind a bit of commuting. I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this.

Jexa- just sending you support and encouargement. Know that you have lots of us sending good thoughts...

Don't forget about me, everyone, just because a bunch of my thread is over in the SI forum.. you guys are saving my life right now and I might freak out if it seems I'm screaming into nothingness on here. The SI forum is much less active and that makes me sad.

T is on Monday. Those of you who are concerned about whether I'll make it til Monday: I'm trying not to be alone this weekend and most of the time I won't be.

We won't forget about you jexa. Good to know you are not alone for the weekend. You can make it. Praying for you.

Jexa, we won't forget about you. Not for a second. I'm out of town & pretty much away from my keyboard this weekend, but you are in my thoughts

I'm already subscribed to both threads, thinking of you, and holding off on asking you any Fool-Zero-style questions till you sound more like you're in a place to deal with them.

I don't read by forum that much, myself. I'm more inclined to check what my PC friends have been posting and to follow the threads I find that way.

((((((((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))))

i've just now read your recent threads and i'm a bit breathless. i see this intelligent, compassionate, creative woman--you--but i guess you can't see that right now. you are not worthless. your pain is real and will be no matter what, even if you don't hurt yourself. i wish there were some other way you could express your pain. is there any way you could create something tangible to represent your pain? a painting or sculpture or writing a story about a woman like you? make it ugly, make it dark, make it bleed if you must, but please know that you are not your pain. you don't have to hurt yourself to validate the pain. my heart breaks for you jexa.