[peaches100]

My t hasn't set a date for retirement yet, but she has let me know she's begun thinking about it. She also mentioned on my session recently, that when she retires, she wants to volunteer with Boys Club or Girls Club (or some organization of that sort) where she can work with children and develop a relationship with them.

I know it's selfish, but a part of me feels really, really sad. I've never had a relationship before like i have with my t. And the thought of her retiring has always scared me SO bad. I'm afraid she will go when i still need her.

I am glad that she wants to help children. but i feel devastated when i realize that when she retires, she will be ending our relationship and beginning new relationships with others who need help. It really makes a part of me cry inside.

I told her how i was feeling about it, and she said that by that time, she thinks i "will have been able to take in the good parts of our relationship and keep them inside where they need to be."

Is she saying that, by the time she retires, I won't feel sad and devastated about losing our relationship? I just can't imagine how it's ever going to feel OK to me to walk away from her. I'm really scared that she's thinking i'll be able to let go, but i won't. What will i do if i can't, and it feels like an abandonment? What if i can't bear it?

Has anybody else here been as attached as i am to my t, and yet they were OK when therapy finally ended and could walk away without being devastated?

I really need some kind of reassurance about this because I'm scared.

[peaches100]

Also, if anybody has successfully terminated with a t they are incredibly attached to, can you tell me what (if anything) helped you prepare for it mentally? Were you ready when it happened? Do you ever see or talk to your old t anymore?

[peaches100]

One thing that bothered me on my session yesterday (and that probably has stirred up these abandonment feelings) is that when my t came out to get me for my appt, she stood at the receptionist's desk and whispered with her for like 5 minutes straight. I could tell they were talking about somebody else, but really didn't know what about and was trying not to listen. But it was cutting into my appt time. And i felt like . . .i was imposing by having my appt. . .like i just wanted to get out of there. If felt like somebody else was more important at the time and that my t needed/wanted to focus on them and not me.

I didn't say anything to my t about it because i realize things come up. And because t was so good to me last week by having our little "celebration" of tea and a roll. But it was just a yucky feeling when she let it cut into our session time. So combined with her wanting to retire and help children in need, i felt that awful abandonment twang again. and i just hate it!!! It's everywhere i turn it seems. Every time i turn around, i'm feeling rejection/abandonment with my t, yet i know it's MY problem and not hers. How do i stop feeling this way??

[peaches100]

I think that what bothers me about this whole thing is that I've LET myself become attached/dependent/whatever you want to call it/ to my t, to the point where these seemingly insignificant things hurt me. It could be anybody else doing these things, and i wouldn't give a rat's ***. Normally, i'm happy to step out of the way and let others' needs come first. I've worked in my department with people for 15 years and haven't shed a tear when they moved away or retired. I didn't even cry when i left home to get married. So what's wrong with me now?! Why are all my childhood insecurities coming into this relationship, and what am i supposed to do about this insecurity and fear of loss?

[pachyderm]

Now is now. The future has not happened yet. Leave it alone; it will come in its own time; meanwhile, enjoy your T-connection.

Let tomorrow take care of itself. Enjoy the now.

[mixedup_emotions]

I am feeling uneasy about the responses you've gotten to this so far. Your feelings are valid, and I can relate to so much of it. Feeling attached and so easily affected by one person is huge. It is a risk, and your fears are there for a reason. It's so hard to invest yourself, be vulnerable with, a single person and develop such feelings for them. It's scary. I totally get it. And it scares me too. I am trying to tell myself, though, that T is teaching me about having an open and honest relationship - and that I will develop the tools to create this with other people in my life.

I have an appointment to go to, so I have to run....but I will post more later.

[sunrise]

(((((peaches))))) I don't have any answers and at some point will also face ending therapy with a therapist with whom I share a deep connection. I don't look forward to it. I know I will be sad. Since I am quite an avoidant person, I don't think too much about it now, but will wait until closer to the end.

Last year, I started a thread and asked people to share their positive termination stories. Often we hear about the bad ones here but not the good. I wanted to read about terminations that went well, were satisfying (though sad), etc. I thought reading these stories might help me visualize an ending that was sad but meaningful and caring.

Perhaps some words in that thread might help. Here is the thread:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...ht=termination

[MissCharlotte]

Peaches, I am extremely attached to my T, like you and I cannot imagine our relationship ending.

s she saying that, by the time she retires, I won't feel sad and devastated about losing our relationship?

I think that what your T is saying is that by the time she retires, you will be able to "take her with you." In other words, you will have internalized the relationship and can be comforted and feel safe with yourself because she will be inside of you. Your relationship with T feels very very special. In the for-what-it's-worth category, in the first year I saw T I flat out told him I was worried about him retiring! Ugh. But now I am with him for nearly four years and although I still worry about it, I also believe that if he did retire, I would survive. OMG did I just say that?

(((((((((Peaches)))))))))

You will survive and thrive too! In the meanwhile, enjoy the special bond you have with T.

[granite1]

when i was in a residental treatment program i saw my T 3x a week and once in group.this went on for 4 years and when i was ready to leave the program i saw my T for about 3 months after i left but i had other people in my life at the time and was enjoying my freedom and didnt seem to need her at all.but i always knew i could call her if i needed to.i did stop and visit her once.this was many years after and she still remembered me.i think at the time what helped me was friends and a life at the time that had nothing to do with T and the program i was in.i know this isnt the same but i know how scared you are and how the idea of not having T thare just isn't something that is possable.i would hope that your T will help you be ready for this.

[ECHOES]

((peaches)) I hope you can take this right to therapy, to your T who is the one who can help you find reassurance. She is interested in all of the things you experience, including this worry that began with her mentioning retirement. I think you need to know what her thoughts and plans are; they concern you.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Every time i turn around, i'm feeling rejection/abandonment with my t, yet i know it's MY problem and not hers.

Originally Posted by peaches100

Why are all my childhood insecurities coming into this relationship,

Because this is how therapy works. All of your old unresolved issues come out in therapy. One of your old/unresolved issues is rejection/abandonment because of your parents. It keeps getting triggered. You have to work it at that level to work through it. Your T is triggering it but you have to work through what happened with your parents.

[rainbow8]

Peaches, you know my story so well, so I don't need to repeat it all. Just this one part. I NEVER thought that I would get over my dependency/attachment to Bt in only 6 months of seeing someone else.

NEVER! But you know the rest of the story!

I also still think about my first T and she will always have a place in my heart. Your T will be "with" you even when you don't see her. You go through a grieving process, like any other loss, but then you make peace with it.

One suggestion: Be sure you and T allow time to cut down your sessions gradually, and talk about your feelings. I disagree that it's too soon to talk about now, unless she says it's a few years away. Talking about your fears, in my opinion, will help.