[Sannah]

What do you think about the connection between feeling that you are valuable and that you deserve good things and being able to maintain a weight where you look good?

I have always been maybe 20 pounds overweight. If I ever lose around five pounds for whatever reason I automatically gain it back because for some reason I don't feel physically comfortable at the lower weight. I never thought about it too much until this past weekend.

We were out on a 4 day weekend trip where I noticed some very beautiful young women. One was perfect in every way. It got me thinking, why are some so lucky? I then got thinking about how maybe they were really valued while growing up so they just developed really beautifully (I do realize the genetic limitations of this but I do feel that you can be more beautiful if you feel beautiful). (I'm also sure that there are perfect looking woman out there that weren't valued like they deserved to be valued).

Rewind a bit and over the last few months we have been taking a lot of pictures because we have been traveling. I noticed in these pictures how I look/feel about myself. Over the course of these 2 months I worked on feeling better about my physical self and it showed in the pictures and I feel that I looked better because I felt better about myself.

Okay, let's pull this all together. So I feel that I keep my weight up because I don't feel that I deserve to look good. I have a big nose and dry frizzy hair. I need to stop feeling that I am ugly (I'm not beautiful but I am not ugly either). I really feel that I can look better if I REALLY BELIEVE that I deserve to look good. Let's see if this belief change can get me to weigh less. I am very capable of eating correctly, I just need to believe that I deserve to look good......

My husband deserves to have me at a lower weight too. He takes really good care of himself. He would prefer me at a lower weight (he is nice about it though).

Comments?

[Sannah]

Please keep this in Psychotherapy. I do my therapy work by myself now so I feel this belongs here.........

[Melbadaze]

Well, this is something I've tug-or-war'ed with myself over the yrs...I use to be a nice size until the kids come along...lost loads of weight 8yrs ago during my last yr of active alcoholism and in my head thought I looked great, but you know what?? my insides were a mess...I think we have a fantasy around what "looking good" will do for us...but what I've learnt is... if I sit with myself each morning in quite contemplation then fantasy's around what would make me feel better about myself just drain away and I could be ten ton tessy walking down me grocery aisles at work, I just feel real good about myself...yes in our fantasys that society and magazines and so forth have helped build into our psyches are hard to get past..but if you do then you laugh and realize how pulled into the madness we get...I mean take a look at early paintings, no Barbie dolls there....But I know some people have a different view and feel if they have control over their bodies (narcissism?) then they're in control of their negative feelings...and if I take my T (helps keep this topic here .) shes not a very attractive woman (oh god please forgive me for saying that) but shes the most beautifulest woman I've ever met!

[granite1]

sannah i think you are very beautiful and are deserving to have yourself treat yourself like a queen.you are amazing.
i can totally understand the pic thing.i travel a lot and take a lot of pic and really hate to look at myself in them.i was about 50 lbs over weight for my size.although in the last 8 months i have lost about 31 lbs i still have a ways to go before i hit my goal and it is hard.
one of the things i do is go to the mall and look at cloths i would like to wear and couldnt because of my weight i then would try on cloths a size smaller they would eventually fit me and wow that made me feel great.keeps me going on the loosing weight front.it isnt easy and i have good days and bad days.
i also feel my husband deserves to have someone who is healthier but i worry sometimes that he wouldnt love me for long if i stayed at my heaviest weight.
let us know how you do sannah it isnt an easy thing to do at all ((hugs))

[Sannah]

Yeah, I see the swing side of this Melba but I really should weigh less. My doctor even said that I should for health reasons and I really will look better.

About 10 years ago I didn't dress very well because I also believed that I didn't deserve it. I changed this and started dressing better and it was good. Have you ever seen "What not to Wear" on the Learning Channel? (I don't know if the UK has this over there or not?) Well, they take people who aren't taking good care of themselves and get them to take good care of themselves and they always have a psychological transformation and self worth is usually involved.

We should honor ourselves by taking good care of ourselves and this involves looking nice........

[Sannah]

Thank you granite! You are so sweet! . I can take the weight off the problem for me is keeping it off. Now I just day to day try to do my best and change my eating habits (no big diet plan for a while and then gain it back afterwards, swinging back and forth isn't healthy). I am convinced if I change psychologically everything else will follow. The beliefs that we hold in our minds control our behavior with an iron fist. I'm not into fighting with that. I need to unlock the beliefs and untangle them.

[Sannah]

I did some googling on this and what I found is that many believe that the low self worth results from being overweight. No! I think that the low self worth causes the overweight..........

[Melbadaze]

sannah, I dont watch those sort of programmes, because I dont want to get involved in the narcissim of body image..now you are talking about health reasons thats different, yes if one was obese their heart was struggling of course, but you were talking about body image and no I dont get involved in that, I dont even bother with a mirror, why? to look at myself adn fall in love with myself? like narcissis?? I look to brush my hair and my teeth whilst my mind comforts me with thought of how certain people in my life make me feel warm by just thinking about them...I guess I can do that a little over weight wearing T shirt and jeans...so no honouring ourselfs is about how we feel about the love in our lifes...

[Sannah]

Okay Melba, I guess we will just have to agree to disagree because there is a healthy balance of self love between Narcissism and self loathing.........

[deliquesce]

this is a really interesting topic, sannah - thanks for bringing it up!

i've always been naturally small, but i used to punish myself with disordered eating habits quite a lot when i was younger (being substantially underweight). for me, it was a control/self esteem/almost everything sort of issue . but as i've started to feel like a worthwhile person, i've also made attempts at treating my body properly - trying to recognise that i'm actually in it (i have a weird "me"/"my body" split going on that i'm not sure about enough to explain), and that it deserves care (as do i). it's been better now that i'm out of home and in charge of what i cook/eat - i can be mindful about what i put in my body. i've never been someone to diet (i would simply starve myself when i wante to lose weight) so now i just focus on trying to eat healthily. it started off with trying to eat 5 servings of veg each day, and now i've added in 2 fruit servings also. because i don't eat very much compared to other people, i've found it's easier to do if i cut out meat - so i've kind of fallen into being vegetarian.

the more mindful i am about what i eat, the better i feel about myself (honouring myself) and it kind of compounds and makes me more motivated to keep being healthy. i actually joined a gym this week, which is something i had sworn to myself i'd never do - but it's been great so far!! this is something that would have triggered me badly a few years ago - bringing up all my feelings of shame and zero self-worth and making me hide away, but i'm able to approach it with a more benevolent attitude towards myself now and i'm enjoying getting active again.

it's one slow step at a time though (for me). but each step is a success and eventually it builds its own momentum .

edit: sorry - point of post is that i'm only able to maintain a healthy weight these days because i believe i'm someone worthwhile and who should treat herself and her body with respect and care. so i think you may be onto something, sannah .

[Melbadaze]

sannah, yes I'm not disagreeing about self loathing and healthy self love...I was just adding what healthy self love can mean apart from body image...we can look good for our partners but what if we're complete *****es in temper toward them?...not saying anyone here is.....but its not that simple to say if we look good we,ve got a healthy self love...it could be the complete oppersite....I'm happiest sitting watching a film with hubby in me pj's and him in hIs shorts and t shirt....

[Ellexa]

The topic made me think about an article I read a while ago. It was about a small country were very fat women considered to be hot, desirable and had better marriage prospects. It's as big of a deal being extremely fat over there as it is being size 0 in western countries. Young girls there are force-fed fat milk with butter and other fattening stuff so that they would gain weight starting around 5 years old. Their mothers tie them up and force food down their throats despite tears and protests. I'm not kidding. Imagine the despair of those ones who are "cursed" with inability to gain weight? Same inability that's considered to be a God's blessing in some other countries.

I was just thinking how this kind of topic would look like in that small country: "Connection between feeling that you are valuable and that you deserve good things and being able to get really fat and beautiful" "Maybe those obese ones were really valued while growing up so they just developed really beautifully?".

[purple_fins]

I'm sorry you've not felt worthy of what you see as "good things" in your life. I carry that with me as well.

thank you for this thread..... it's very deep in my heart.

Once again though, I'm the odd girl out....

I've never had a weight problem.... not because I have an eating disorder, not because I have too much self-love(narcissism)... but because I worry incessantly over what others think of me and if I will be judged/or of worth. I so want to be accepted but it never seems to be enough-- what ever I give. (favors, ever listening and rarely talking, staying thin to be pleasing to the eye like people say movie stars and models are)

I think when I die the headstone will read--- she worried and worried what others thought of her and thus forgot to live.

I've been told so so many times by other women-- "I hate you, you don't have a weight problem" or... "You make me sick, you're so lucky to have a nice figure"..... ugh.... even when I try to look the way everyone wants -- like models-- I'm still hated...

I worry so much what others think.... that's why I'm finding it's better to be isolated ... being alone without any girlfriends --I don't have to hear "I hate you" or " You make me sick".... I never ever want to make anyone feel bad. I've only ever wanted to be a friend, no physical judging involved. I don't like being judged.... women can be so cruel to each other...... *sigh*.......

so, you see Sannah, there are many views to this situation.... though I'm sure mine is a minority.

fins ps... forgot to say... the T. I see is in great shape, I just thought, maybe that is why she seems less threatening to me.....I don't have to fear of hurting her feelings or making her hate me..... hmmmmmm....

[Sannah]

Hey deliquesce, you get what I'm talking about! The mindfulness stuff is spot on! Today, I am being very mindful of this extra gut that I have. My being mindful of this is really keeping me eating correctly. Being mindful of our bodies is so important. Your discussion of this mind/body split is so excellent! This is the epitome of being integrated. I knew that my inner child was integrated but I'm realizing today that I am not totally integrated/mindful of my body. I am not comfortable having a few extra rolls in my midsection. Being mindful of what our bodies actually need for food is very important.

Thanks for replying. You sound like you are doing great!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I was just adding what healthy self love can mean apart from body image...

Melba this ties in to what I am discussing with deliquesce. Why would we want to split ourselves from our bodies?

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

we can look good for our partners but what if we're complete *****es in temper toward them?...but its not that simple to say if we look good we,ve got a healthy self love.

No, it isn't enough just to look good and it really isn't the looking good for other people that is the issue here (except looking good for our husbands). The key is taking care of ourselves and then it shows. You also need the other components of self worth. I never said that self worth is only about looking good. I'm just saying that I still have a bit of self worth to keep working on and it is showing itself here in what I am talking about.

[Sannah]

Ellexa, I'm glad that I don't live on that island! Being obese is not healthy and it really doesn't feel comfortable and I know that I look better at a healthier weight.

[Sannah]

Purple, I guess what I am describing is being good to your body which ever side you are coming from. If you are staying really thin to please others this isn't meeting your needs. If I lost 20 pounds I would be no where thin. I would only be at the top of a healthy weight for my height.

I'm sorry that you are around women like that. I wouldn't like that at all.

I have never been concerned about fitting in or looking good so that I can fit in or be accepted. I just want to be healthy and feel good physically.

[purple_fins]

There you go helping me in your own thread!

If you are staying really thin to please others this isn't meeting your needs.

I've not thought about it in regards to MY NEEDS. Embarrassingly, I don't think i ever developed needs, now that I think about it.

I have never been concerned about fitting in or looking good so that I can fit in or be accepted.

You are fortunate to not have this looming over your head, it's so not a comfortable place to be.

Sannah, I hope you will reach a place where you feel good about you and are confident that you deserve to be as such. Way to go in doing the work and realizing this within yourself.

I just want to be healthy and feel good physically.

I so wish that for you too!

respectfully,
fins

[Oceanwave]

Quoting purple fins:
"I've never had a weight problem.... not because I have an eating disorder, not because I have too much self-love(narcissism)... but because I worry incessantly over what others think of me and if I will be judged/or of worth. I so want to be accepted but it never seems to be enough-- what ever I give. (favors, ever listening and rarely talking, staying thin to be pleasing to the eye like people say movie stars and models are)"

Fins, I really hope one day you allow yourself to celebrate the fact that you don't have a weight problem, rather than feel apologetic about it. You have the right to have a nice, good body without having to feel embarrassed and to justify. If you could just rescue your body from this whole cobweb of "what others think of me" stuff... hmm, wouldn't that be great? Would you enjoy your body more? As what you have never seems to be enough, it makes me wonder whose expectations you have internalised?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by purple_fins

I've not thought about it in regards to MY NEEDS. Embarrassingly, I don't think i ever developed needs, now that I think about it.

I'll bet you have had needs all along fins. They were just never attended to while you were growing up so you never learned how to attend to them. I had to learn this too. Awareness is the first step. Good luck to you!

[Sannah]

As this thread has progressed I feel now that my issue isn't so much about self worth and deserving to look good, I believe that it is about being integrated with my body. I have not been integrated with my body so I eat without awareness of what my body needs or how I need to feel in my body. This also goes along with me being further integrated with my feelings.

This is the beauty of starting a thread here, you figure out what is really going on just by posting, getting replies and answering, cool.........

[Oceanwave]

Great insight, Sannah!
There is just so much enjoyment you can get from your body once "you two" are in harmony - once you are one with your body and in your body. Don't miss out on it! I hope you will find that good place one day where you can say you are happy living in your own body, and "you two" can truly reward each other.

[Hunny]

Sannah,

I like that show too. It helped me a lot. I just prefer a lower weight because I feel better in my clothes. I just like that show because I didn't have to be smaller in order to look good. I went to an OEA group but I am not even sure that is the issue, trigger foods and all this.

I know being in better shape (feelingwise) is more important than weight but I still cannot seem to stay at the feeling good weight and therefore look (even better) weight.

Being active and eating well are easy for me when I feel good but when I am anxious or depressed I want to eat too much of the more weight giving things.

I guess OEA helped in that I feel less guilty eating stuff I'm not supposed to. I'm trying to find the reasons for the anxiety and depression times though.

I appreciate you Sannah and Purplefins and the others too.

.

[MischaMei]

For me I guess it also gets hard to know how to feel about myself because some of that depends on what's around me. The people around me always change and are all diverse so I try to accept how I look as just that being apart of me. I've never been told I'm heavy, but I have always felt heavy. I also can't control my weight very well; I have tried to lose weight but it either ends up getting me nowhere and I still feel down. At home the people in my family were either very active and fit, or had health problems due to excessive weight; there has always been a wide gap in the middle that I feel is where I belong. One thing I try to keep reminding myself is that how healthy someone is and their weight are not always related to one another; there are people who are average size, or ever underweight, that are unhealthy because of their diet and habits; there is also those who weigh more but are rather active and eat a well-balanced diet.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

No! I think that the low self worth causes the overweight..........

Hi Sannah! I agree with what you are saying. I am losing weight to get healthy and the outside is looking good but I feel uncomfortable with it (on a deeper emotional level, sexual level - however physically I feel great and have more energy). I think it's for the reason you have mentioned about believing you deserve to look good - to be healthy.

I'm hoping to have the inside match the outside someday and keep the weight off.

Thank you so much for posting this!