[rainbow8]

Today T and I talked about my feelings about my last session. I don't think she saw that part of my patten before. Like I told her, a picture is worth 1000 words. She said the highs I feel are too high, which makes the middles seem like lows. She doesn't think I'm weird but said she won't do the tapping anymore.

I looked at her, did not close my eyes at all, even when discussing physical stuff. She commented on my fidgeting, and we talked about how that distracts me from feeling. So I tried not to fidget. We talked about my husband too.

We talked a little about how it's her job, but she still cares about me. I got upset that she's holding my hand to help me, but it's really just her job. I was thinking about the threads here, including my own, on that subject. I started feeling really bad about therapy. I did hold her hand (I asked) and that felt okay, but I still felt yukky.

So, it was hard to get my car to leave the parking lot. Really hard. The middles really do feel like lows. Of course, I got home and emailed her already. She doesn't know why I reacted the way I did last week, but it's all part of what we're working on.

Now I feel like I don't want to get the matching bears for her and me. I know she cares, but now I see her as T and not anyone else. It's reality hitting me in the face! It's the high to the low. Oh, WHY does therapy have to hurt me so much?

[WePow]

(((((((( Rainbow )))))))))))

There is so much pain inside your heart and so much missing. I can feel it in your post - it is a longing... It is a very young part of you that is yearning so much for something that part just cant explain.

You did WONDERFUL work today!!!! That is so hard to confront these emotions head on. Give yourself a little grace with this. Yes, T is a T. And THAT is what will allow you to heal. It is going to hit you hard because you will know that there is something else missing that T can't be. But T can help you figure out what that something is. I don't know if I am making much sense with this but sending you hugs!

[rainbow8]

Oh, WePow....you don't know how much you helped me just now. I probably won't hear from my T until tomorrow, and I'm feeling so yukky. Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel. How do you know that?

Yes, it is a yearning for what even THIS T can't give me. She can hold my hand, but the truth is she's a T, and she's going to "shatter my dreams."

It helps to have someone understand me because I don't know how to express these deep feelings of hurting.

[zooropa]

(((((rainbow)))))
I agree with wepow, I was struck by the image of you sitting there and looking her in the eyes, not closing your eyes, not looking away, not even giving yourself the distraction of fidgeting. That must have been so difficult! You have a lot of courage. Week after week I'm impressed with your ability to go in there and tell your T your innermost feelings and thoughts. I can't do that, most of them I can't even look at myself.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now, and I hope you get exactly the response you need from your T.

[WePow]

(((((( Rainbow ))))) the only way I understood your emotions is because you opened your heart here on PC and showed them to us. You are so much braver than you realize. Honestly, it takes courage to do what you are doing with therapy and with group therapy here on PC ((my T said this COUNTS as time spent in group therapy)).

Keep going deeply into this emotion you have around all this. There is something big that you are on the verge of "getting" at a deep level. A huge part of therapy is to give voice to emotion.

Everything you are feeling is valid and there is a reason you feel what you do. And your heart knows the reasons - even though your heart doesn't yet have the words to show you what those reasons are. That is one reason why your T is allowing you to hold her hand. She is trying to help you get in touch with these deep emotions.

T is not going to harm you.... not on purpose. And being able to know mentally that T is T and not that missing special bit... well that is going to keep you safe as you go into this. It does not feel like it today, and you are going to push away emotionally. That is a part of this. Allow yourself to feel that pain and stabbing sensation that is happening. It is natural.

I can kinda relate because a big part of my anguish inside is that I never got the healthy relationship with my father. I thought I had it... but the abuse caused me to loose that part of being a child. I never had the father a child deserves to have... one that does not hurt the child. One that protects the child.

So throughout this past year as I am doing my trauma work, I had a deep and strong inner NEED to have a daddy. To have my daddy. But that can't happen for me - ever. And that knowing... it is a death. It is a very deep loss. But before I could fully process it, I had to have a daddy to be there for me. A catch 22 really.

So I use my T as my daddy right now. He knows by being a T exactly what I am doing. I know it is transference as well. But right now, I would die without that need being met. It is that simple. I have to do this transference so I can live and process all this grief and pain and get through it.

And I know that I will not have my T with me in this role for long term. It is really like growing up. A father has to teach the child how to do things for herself. A father has to take his hands off the back of the bike so the child will learn how to ride. Sometimes the child falls down. But the child does learn. And the day will come when the child can take off riding to school or down to a friend's house without the dad around. That is what a daddy does - teach the child how to grow up and not need daddy.

T is teaching me how to be my own daddy. Teaching me how to protect my inner child and be able to be a healthy adult and get my inner needs met in a healthy way.

That is what T is doing for you right now. More big hugs to you!

[rainbow8]

WePow, thank you again. I keep rereading what you wrote. I feel the same way you do but I don't know for whom it's for--my Mom or Dad. It's frustrating for me not to know, but I suppose it doesn't matter, though it always bothers me. I feel like my mother didn't make me feel safe because of her anxiety; it's not that love was missing. My father was there, but more in the background. But he loved me too.

Everything you are feeling is valid and there is a reason you feel what you do. And your heart knows the reasons - even though your heart doesn't yet have the words to show you what those reasons are. That is one reason why your T is allowing you to hold her hand. She is trying to help you get in touch with these deep emotions.

I often feel like I was crying in the incubator and no one came to pick me up. That's just a guess. My need to be held (which doesn't get met) is so strong, at least in fantasies. I feel safe when T holds my hand.

So I use my T as my daddy right now. He knows by being a T exactly what I am doing. I know it is transference as well. But right now, I would die without that need being met. It is that simple. I have to do this transference so I can live and process all this grief and pain and get through it.

I relate to that. I don't know what I'm processing but I feel like I'll die without the need being met, too. I'm glad you have such a good T to be your "Daddy" now.

Allow yourself to feel that pain and stabbing sensation that is happening. It is natural.

That's exactly what it feels like to me. Pain and stabbing sensation. Especially when I realize that T is not the person I want. If it's preverbal for me, it makes sense that I don't understand it; I just feel it.

I admire you for what you're doing in therapy, WePow. You're such an inspiration to me. Thank you.

[rainbow8]

I emailed T yesterday about how I felt. In her email back, she said that one of her favorite quotes is "The best way out is through". She accredits it to Robert Frost. I know someone here quotes someone else as saying it.
Anyway, she says it's hard because I'm "going through" it now, and she says to be positive that together we'll find a way. That makes me feel a little better, but doesn't change the fact that I feel more like just one of her clients. She started to say something in the session about other clients, and I stopped her and said I didn't want to hear it. I think it triggered my thoughts about the reality of the therapeutic relationship.

[peaches100]

Rainbow,

Even though you are feeling so bad, the truth is that you are deep into the therapy work. You are feeling the deep longings that have been inside you for all these years. You are not pushing them away by staying in your head intellectualizing things, or by talking so much that you don't allow yourself to feel your emotions. You are facing and feeling them.

I know it feels bad, really bad, but it's HUGE. It's like coming unthawed when you've been frozen all your life. All the defenses you've built up to keep the pain away (obsessing is probably one of them) -- once those defenses are broken down -- the real feelings start to come through. That's what you need to work with in therapy, those deep emotions, thoughts, and feelings.

It is scary, so scary, I know. But you are being so brave and doing it! I could tell that this time when you started therapy with your t, you were determined to get to the root of your problems and work through them. I still this starting to happen.

I understand (oh so well) the pain of acknowledging that your t can't be a mom to you. She is giving you some good nurtured feelings, but at the same time, she is not allowing you to focus solely on feeling good, or a fantasy of her being a perfect mother. She's giving you the sustenance and comfort and presence that you need to face your issues. No, it's not the same as her being your mom. But she's still giving to you in a very human, very real way. The purpose of what she does (hand holding, etc.) may be for your ultimate healing, but it still comes from a place of caring and a desire to help you grow and heal. That's kind of mom-like, even though she can't literally be your mom. Maybe you can take some comfort in knowing that.

[granite1]

just lots of big

[WePow]

((((( rainbow )))))

[rainbow8]

granite, thanks so very much for your hugs.

peaches, I know we've been in this struggle "together" for many years now. It's very meaningful to me that you see something I hadn't realized. You're right. In past therapies, I spent my energy on obsessing about the T, not knowing that was a defense against feeling my deep, hurt, and true feelings.

This time I'm facing my feelings directly. No wonder it's so hard and painful. My T stops me each time I try to intellectualize or push them away! I love your analogy about thawing out what was frozen my whole life. That's correct too. I didn't let anyone SEE what was hurt in side of me, especially not my parents.

My T is nurturing me. You're right about that too. I know she can't be a Mom; it's hard not to want that kind of love, though.

Thanks so much for this reply, Peaches.