[WePow]

First, thank you all so very much for being here for eachother and for me.
It has made all the difference in the world.

Today's session was intense - as an understatement!
I had to deal with the massive flashback information from yesterday which involved very early CSA issues. Will not do details. But I ended up having to go into the flashback with T and allowing the little girl me to express herself. That was the opposite of fun! UGGG!

But I made it through. It was very strange because I did have to process things at the end of session a bit more in email. I dissociated for part of the experience and saw myself from above as I was going through the process. It made me very self-conscious at some points because I was so raw and exposed with the emotion. And I kept hearing my mom telling me to stop being so "dramatic" -- uggggg grrrrrr!

But after it was done with, I felt so much lighter inside.
My little me had been given back her baby voice!

[geez]

I'm so happy for you WePow .

The last sentence in your posting gave me joy and I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was to read that. It gives me hope.

Way to go! and congrats on all your hard work!

[zooropa]

I continue to be impressed and awed by your courage and strength, wepow.

[doogie]

So strong. Awesome, Wepow. You are an insipiration!

((((((((((WePow)))))))))))

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by WePow

But after it was done with, I felt so much lighter inside. My little me had been given back her baby voice!

That sounds like an amazing session!!

[darkrunner]

((WePow)) - your courage and peseverence are awesome.

After I read the last line of your post....

My little me had been given back her baby voice!

.....I looked at your avatar picture for a long time, and I felt sad and happy together. Sad that such a precious person was treated so badly, but happy that you are fighting so hard, not giving up, and making such great progress.

[Oceanwave]

((((((WePow)))))))

How fantastic that you are feeling lighter! Well done processing all this hard stuff! Emotions ARE 'dramatic' when we express them, there is no way around that. How terrible that your mom was judgmental and didn't allow you to express what you feel without shame.

You would so deserve for all this pain to be over and to have this weight lifted off you: to have a happy life. With your voice back.

I hope now you get a mental break from all the traumatic memories!

[WePow]

One of the strangest things is that now I have a strong sense of power - of freedom.
It is SO strange because I am almost lost in it. I have a sense that suddenly the doors are all wide open. I do not know which way to look though?
Even at my job - it feels like I am a stranger now - very suddenly...

Anyone else experience this stage as a part of their healing journey?

[geez]

Originally Posted by WePow

One of the strangest things is that now I have a strong sense of power - of freedom.
It is SO strange because I am almost lost in it. I have a sense that suddenly the doors are all wide open. I do not know which way to look though?
Even at my job - it feels like I am a stranger now - very suddenly...

Anyone else experience this stage as a part of their healing journey?

WePow I feel that way when it comes to my physical transformation. I've been obese since a teen and 'chubby' since the age of eight. I have lost 50lbs since January and I have lots of energy and I can do things that I normally wouldn't/couldn't do because of physical constraints or just having no energy. I'm feeling good about it but it's uncharted waters for me so I'm figuring out who this new person is on the outside (I'm also trying to heal the inside and hoping the two parts become a complete 'package' and match each other in a positive way). I hope that makes sense?

For me it is scary, intriguing and exciting all rolled into one. Right now I'm just dipping my toes in the water.

[WePow]

Geez - thank you tons for this insight! And good going!!! It does feel very new and uncharted. Almost like being in a different world!!!!

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by WePow

One of the strangest things is that now I have a strong sense of power - of freedom.
It is SO strange because I am almost lost in it. I have a sense that suddenly the doors are all wide open. I do not know which way to look though?
Even at my job - it feels like I am a stranger now - very suddenly...

Anyone else experience this stage as a part of their healing journey?

Freedom because you are not weighed down by this secret, having told T? Free because this part is not hidden, it's out!
Power from telling the truth, from saying I'd like justice for my little self?

I've definitely felt a sense of "who am I now?" It was tied to the evolution of my story, from "I got what I deserved" to "It was a bad thing that happened" to "He was wrong to do that", figuring out if I'm a victim or a survivor, what's my label?
At the time when I felt this most, I was working from home fairly often, or on a project where I was remote from the rest of the team (conf calls). It meant that my constant state of "who am I?" and navel gazing had less impact on work and was less visible to others. My husband noticed
It was a time when I was participating in a survivor's group, a 9 week support program sponsored by the city's Office on Women. It was a great place to talk about this "who am I and where do I go and what is next for this me-person?" stage.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, WePow! That feeling sounds amazing! I don't think I've ever experienced that, but I would love to....

((( HUGS )))

[mixedup_emotions]

Sorry for the side note here...But GEEZ, geez! What have you done to lose all that weight? Congrats!!! So that it's not taking up this thread, I'd love for you to PM me more details....

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by WePow

One of the strangest things is that now I have a strong sense of power - of freedom.
It is SO strange because I am almost lost in it. I have a sense that suddenly the doors are all wide open. I do not know which way to look though?
Even at my job - it feels like I am a stranger now - very suddenly...

Anyone else experience this stage as a part of their healing journey?

Maybe this is bacause all the energy that normally gets consumed by your trauma, pain, fear, worrying, and all the negative experiences is now freed up. I hope you will find a productive outlet and a road toward a happy, healthy and wonderful life! Also hope you can take some time to celebate this moment, even though you might be feeling a little confused and lost right now. But it must feel really liberating at the same time. Well done on getting this far!

[WePow]

Well, the victory I had yesterday morning was short lived when my work manager refused to listen to my needs about work issues. He just goes ahead and makes massive changes that put more pressure on me when there was already too much. He is the boss, so I get that. But he lied. He told me he would work with me to make sure they didn't do this to me. Sounds selfish, I know. I thought of that all night. But I literally was paralyzed at work when he came into the room with the rest of us and announced the change and gave NO negotiation at all as to what I told him I could NOT handle. It was a slap in the face after all that I did for that company in the past. That is a pattern with that place and was one thing that led to my major breakdown.

Anyway, that is all blah blah blah. I had emailed my T while it was going on, but he never wrote back. So I figured he was busy. I then almost had a wreck going home (not any of my fault even though I was numb and had dissociating issues big time at work - I was being extra careful) but someone pulled infront of me and then stopped - he was trying to "swing" into a driveway but didn't realize someone was blocking the driveway. I BARELY was able to slam on the breaks and swerve over two lanes to not hit him. That set me off big time.

Anyway, I stopped by T's office but did not go in. Just sat there and tried to ground.
Then I made it home and wrote T....

I told him how upset I was and such - and he knew it was a very bad day - very very bad - but he had not replied to any email other than the first one in the early AM. So I said "You can call me if you want at xxx" He did not call. So I sent an email as I was going to bed. That email just told him thanks for all he did for me and hearing me. It was a goodbye email of sorts because I told him I didn't know what I was going to do with this ... that I want to LEAVE where I am. But I don't know where to go...

Anyway, he took it as a SU type email - which yeah, I wish I could! But I can't do that. So then he decided to email me and tell me I have a contract with him to call him if I am in SU mode. He said "Your previous e-mail did not ask for a callback."

.....

So last night that was going through my head because I went back and read the email where I did want him to call and saw I used that phrase "If you want to call me"
Man - another BIG MASSIVE HUGE mistake on my part! I wish my brain would have been thinking right when I wrote that - but I was doing great to be able to write at all. So now I totally GET IT emotionally with T. He did not want to call me when I was at my lowest. And I don't blame him. I would not have wanted to call me either.
But it cut me at a level that is too deep to process.

Now don't jump on me please saying it is my fault - I already jumped on myself last night over that and know it IS my fault. I know his rules and that is how therapy works. I was a total fool to even hope for a real human desire to help me when needed. Both of my other support people are gone this week and that only left T for this deep stuff. So, now I get it.

I woke up this AM and here I sit. I need to go ahead and go to work and just clean out my desk. Not that I am going to leave today or whatever, but if I have to just walk out, I want that done.

I have no idea about seeing my therapist next week. I know I will go if I am still in town and don't leave town for good. But if I don't have a job, I don't have insurance. So I will not be able to pay him. But since I see the truth now for what it is with that stuff, well maybe it has run its course and I just need to drop it anyway.

Not needing anything at this point outside of figuring out for myself how to get the energy I need to move my body from point to point. So running away and joining the circus is out of the question since I don't have the energy to run. LOL. Thank you for listening to me.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( WePow ))))

I can imagine the anger about your work situation...and I can relate to that so well. I hope that things work out or that you find it in you to try to look for something more worthwhile. And about T....((( HUGS )))....I know that must not seem easy at all. You were looking for something from T, and didn't get what you needed. I know you're feeling down...but you are still OK just as you are.

[Oceanwave]

WePow,
So sorry you are feeling like this. And so soon. But I trust that you are in a different place now, a more healed place. You have some new found strengh and power.

Can you use that to think through the situation at work, and have a word with your manager? He might not realise what your needs are, or might have forgotten. Can you explain to him calmly what you need, what you agreed on previously? You don't need to quit your job. See whether you two can work it out. If he is impossible in the end, and you really really feel you cannot handle the pressure at work in the end, then think about alternatives. But right now don't jump to hastly conclusions. You have to communicate with him and resolve this conflict.

You feel upset, and you are right to be upset. This is very stressful for you. I know it's hard but try to put that aside for a moment, when you go to work, and think through how best you'd like to proceed with your manager in a way that is best for you. Try to work on a compromise with him that works for both.

Try to stay grounded and calm. It is real life, full of pressures, yes. Your T can help process the emotions but you will have to handle the situation at work. Keep at it, you have wonderful strength and intelligence, and try to use that to be assertive and to get what you want now. You can stand up to him. He is not one of your abusers, he is a different person - and probably hasn't got a clue about what's best for you. And what is good for you (as you will be productive) is probably good for his company too, long term.

((((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))))))

It's so painful when we need something from T and they can't give it to us for whatever reason. SO painful, and I really do think it can make us question the therapy relationship, whether or not they "really" care, all of that.

A few months ago, I was in a really low spot and I really wanted T to call. I think I said something on his voice mail like "i wish you would just call me"...and he didn't call. I was SO hurt and upset, because I knew he knew what I wanted and needed and he wasn't giving it to me because I wasn't following his rule exactly (clearly asking for him to call).

When I went to my next session I was so angry. We talked about it, and T joked that I was saying "If you REALLY loved me, you would call me!". I didn't think it was funny. It actually took the rest of that session AND a couple of phone calls to work through it, but we did.

It actually really WAS a painful lesson for me. I have to ask for what I need. T isn't going to just give it to me without me asking. (I'm not saying at all "it's your fault"...just saying, yeah, I have been there too, and it sucks)

I think the thing that was difficult for me to grasp at the time, because I was in so much pain, is that the fact that those boundaries exist with T doesn't mean that T's caring isn't real. BOTH can be true. T can have strict boundaries around phone calls AND he can love and care for me. T can not call because I didn't ask AND he can feel concerned about how I'm doing.

I'm REALLY sorry that work is so yucky and that you had such a hard night. That new power inside of yourself is still there...none of this can take that away. Be gentle with you and try to trust that you will make it to the other side of this, because you will.

And go see T next week.

[WePow]

((((( Tree ))))) ((((((( MU! ))))))))) (((((((Ocean)))))))))))

Thank you all. I have made it to the office. I came in an hour early and cleaned out my desk. I will work one hour at a time. But I have told my manager what I need and another member of the team feels the same way. He is also a senior team member. The boss is doing what he thinks is best. So be it. And I have sent another email to T telling him I will not be using email for therapy any longer -so that should make him happy. And I asked how much it was per session without insurance since I will not have that if I walk. Life goes on.

[Oceanwave]

Dear WePow

Please don't walk. You can't quit every job when you get triggered. If you move on, you will get triggered again by your next bosx and what do you do then? Quit again? This is the work WePow, learning how to handle real life pressures, without T. It isn's easy. It is your life and your life only. I guess you are not going to like what I am writing right now but I hope part of you will understand and agree somewhere deep down.

If there is someone else at work who agrees with you can the two of you talk and agree to take it up once again with big boss guy? Maybe no one actually likes the changes and you can all have a word with him. And if he really sticks to his guns, well, think again. It's hard to get jobs right now, because of the economy. It sucks but still. Try to stay calm and see how it goes. Wait a few weeks. And if it isn;t working, see what you can find and quit if you have another job. If you don't like this job, you can find something else later and make a smooth transition.

T will get back to you. He is good, and I'm not worried about that. He knows what he is doing and is thinking of you. He is doing what is best for you, trust me.

[WePow]

Thank you again, Oceanwave. The last time someone told me to trust them it was T - and I am not too sure if that was a good thing for me to do. I don't blame T at all, I blame myself. I feel too messed up to be in this life but can't remove myself from it. So I am left to try to figure out how to work through it. My blood pressure was sky high last night and my chest hurt and burned and it burned all night and still today. It is bad to say but I know heart disease runs in both families and the females on my mom's side have died from it. So I think maybe I will get lucky and just croak. They say that being on a helpdesk is a high risk factor due to the stress. I have done this for 10 yrs now. A part of me does not want that to happen, but another part of me does. I have angina anyway but no medication for it. I really hate it that life can become this messed up for people. But it is life.

[Oceanwave]

I just PM-ed you. Sorry, you don't need to trust me. I know how hard that is for you. Just trust that inner you, the strong, powerful you that you found not so long ago. I send you strength and love and good wishes. Keep at it, Wepow, you can do this, you are good. Just stay there are let the emotions pass. And then think it through. You can do it.

[WePow]

((((Oceanwave)))) thank you much. My T answered the email and told me to stop in after work to see him. ugggggg ... so I will.

[geez]

(((WePow))) I don't know how Cobra insurance works if you walk out but my husband was laid off in May of this year. Thankfully Mr. Obama changed the rates for cobra and instead of our family of four paying $1,500 a month we pay $500 - and that lasts for 15mnths or until my husband finds FT employment with a company that offers insurance (he's currently consulting). I hope you find some peace of mind soon.