[mixedup_emotions]

I was so angry. I can’t really get into details at the moment because I’m at work right now, but the anger was boiling over.

I just stayed quiet most of the session, but then the other woman (the one I’m angry with) addressed me. Then, she was cocky towards me (which she has been towards others in the group as well) – and that was it. I said something, she got nasty back – and then we were just yelling at each other. It was like a switch went off inside me and I lost all control. No name calling or anything like that. I was pointing out how she seems to be refusing to take any ownership for her part in anything – that I was sharing something of real importance to me in group last week which I rarely do – and then it became the “(her name) show”.

One other group member told me he was disappointed in me and that although he agreed with some of what I said, I was way too harsh. He then started coddling the other woman. I became angry with him and said something like “now comes the arse kissing”. I was so ticked. She started to cry – and I had no empathy whatsoever towards her. I don’t know what came over me. I pretty much stayed silent after that.

When I got home, I emailed T to cancel my individual session with him for tomorrow. Perhaps that’s copping out, but I have no interest in seeing him, talking to him, or seeing anyone in that group at the moment. I walked out of group feeling like I wanted to drop out, so she can have the group all to herself. I just feel so sick and angry about it all right now.

[Sannah]

Can you still go to your individual appt. today? This needs to be processed.

[mobius]

Sounds really rough, MUE. It's not clear to me if your individual T is also your group T? How does your group T handle conflict that comes up in the group? Seems like a pretty charged situation.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Can you still go to your individual appt. today? This needs to be processed.

My session was scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. My T is off on Wednesdays. I already emailed him to cancel, and I really REALLY don't want to go. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to any of them.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by mobius

Sounds really rough, MUE. It's not clear to me if your individual T is also your group T? How does your group T handle conflict that comes up in the group? Seems like a pretty charged situation.

My individual T is also my group T. My T usually just facilitates the group and doesn't get involved unless he feels it's necessary. He just sat there during the exchange. But then, he addressed her...He didn't say two words to me. I felt like everyone was kissing her arse so that she wouldn't leave group. BTW, my T is also her individual T.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Can you still go to your individual appt. today? This needs to be processed.

our friend Dr Yalom wrote, "strike while the iron is cold".
Maybe while you are still boiling is not the best time to process. My opinion on this is just that (and I am not in group & will never be) but I too would skip the session today and wait till I cool off and can look at the events more calmly. Sorry this happened to you MUE

You really do need to go to t and process this. I know you are angry, but that isn't going to get better until you work through it.

((((((((((MUE)))))))))))

For me, when big big feelings come up suddenly like that, I know I've been triggered. It's really hard for me to work out on my own what the trigger is (unless its something I've already worked through with T), and it helps me to go and process it with T to figure out what has been triggered. More often than not, T *himself* is the one who causes the trigger to be pushed, and in a lot of ways, he is the LAST person i want to talk to....but he is also the ONLY person who can help me find out what is going on.

I think it helps me if I can see him while the big feelings are still there...which is why I would encourage you to go see him this week. Plus, if you don't see him this week, the next time you see him will be at next week's group...will that feel okay?

You know what is right for you. I just wanted to share my experience.

I'm sorry group is so hard.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks everyone.....I don't know. At the moment, I'm just too AAAAARGH to think clearly about anything....And Tree, I have no intention at this moment of even going to group T next week....I don't know what is going on with me...

[zooropa]

((((((MUE))))))
That sounds really difficult. I'm sorry.

[mobius]

My individual T is also my group T. My T usually just facilitates the group and doesn't get involved unless he feels it's necessary. He just sat there during the exchange. But then, he addressed her...He didn't say two words to me. I felt like everyone was kissing her arse so that she wouldn't leave group. BTW, my T is also her individual T.

Ugh. This sounds like a big ball of yuck. It's unfortunate your T doesn't get involved very often. Seems like that's a big part of group - for the T to intervene to help the members interact in a safe, helpful way. Of course you can't always avoid conflict, but to have him address her and not you sounds really painful.

I get why you wouldn't want to talk with your T about this; it feels messy. I can also understand why you wouldn't want to go to group next week. That might be something helpful to process in T...at some point. Take good care.

[sunrise]

That sounds really really hard, MUE. I don't know what I would do. Do you have another individual session on the books so that even if you skip one, you still have another lined up? That would make me feel more secure, like hey, we will get to sorting this all out, I am committed to therapy (see, I have another session scheduled!), but also give me time to process on my own. I think I am a slow processor so would value time off before discussing the group with my T. (Some of my most important processing occurs outside of therapy, not with my T. Is it that way for you too?) Alternatively, I would go to the individual therapy appointment and focus on my individual therapy issues and not let group therapy enter my session.

On reading what you wrote, I felt like if it were me, I would be a bit angry that my group therapy invades my individual therapy sessions like that. I know that is not how you view group therapy, though, and that you often discuss it in individual. I just treasure my individual therapy so much and the work we do there is so important, that I would not want to spend my precious therapy time on these group issues. I would draw firmer boundaries between my group and individual sessions, and possibly might not allow the same therapist to do both with me. I know you have been doing some important work in individual therapy lately, and it seems a shame that you have to put that on hold either because you are canceling or because if you did go to individual, your session would be dominated by this blow-up at group.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I think I am a slow processor so would value time off before discussing the group with my T. (Some of my most important processing occurs outside of therapy, not with my T. Is it that way for you too?)

it is for me.
MUE, you know I tend to get on that when-upset-make-no-change soapbox, but Sunny has several very good suggestions here......whatever you decide. I hope things resolve for you soon.
I hate to hear you in so much pain.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone....

I don't know why I was so triggered...but I'm still so angry - yet feeling ashamed for acting the way I did. I feel as though no one would want me in group because of how harsh I was. I feel like I deserve to be caged with a muzzle, like a wild animal.

I usually have a standing Thursday afternoon individual session with T. I really just don't know right now what I want. My T posts notes after each group session about the session and each person's progress. Part of me is curious to know what will be written...another part of me doesn't want to see it at all. And how will I respond? I don't know. I just simply don't know. I need a break from it all.

[WikidPissah]

MUE!!! That's just awful...sounds oh so painful! Especially the part about T talking to the other woman....ugh! I can understand if you want to hide a bit...but please don't hide for too long. Things tend to get bigger and bigger when you avoid them. By next week it could be twice the size it is now. But take care of you, you know what works for you.

Wishing you a bit of peace!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I'm still so angry - yet feeling ashamed for acting the way I did. I feel as though no one would want me in group because of how harsh I was. I feel like I deserve to be caged with a muzzle, like a wild animal.

Is the shame making you want to run from all of this? I don't think that you did anything wrong MUE. What happened was that your feelings came out in group as did everyone else's. I think that when we grow up in a dysfunctional family we are shamed for having any feelings because feelings get in the way of a dysfunctional family (they get in the way of those in charge who, BTW are allowed to have feelings but they are the only ones).

I hope you get to a point where you believe that you are allowed to have your feelings no matter what they are. We all get angry, we all go off. When I go off I apoligize and work it through with whoever I need to.

Please don't continue to hide with your feelings.

[WePow]

(((((( MUE ))))))) If you can go to session today, do it. Just be honest and get to the bottom of this. Can you find a different T and/or a different group? Sometimes groups have to be changed. My T had to do that a few months ago with his own stuff and it was not easy on him, but he came out of it much stronger and with a much healthier group that fits him.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Is the shame making you want to run from all of this? I don't think that you did anything wrong MUE. What happened was that your feelings came out in group as did everyone else's. I think that when we grow up in a dysfunctional family we are shamed for having any feelings because feelings get in the way of a dysfunctional family (they get in the way of those in charge who, BTW are allowed to have feelings but they are the only ones).

I hope you get to a point where you believe that you are allowed to have your feelings no matter what they are. We all get angry, we all go off. When I go off I apoligize and work it through with whoever I need to.

Please don't continue to hide with your feelings.

I don't know what's making me want to run from all of this. I'm still angry and disgusted. Disgusted with the group I'm in, disgusted with all the coddling and beating around the bush. I'm disgusted that I lost my cool and lashed out. I'm ashamed that I had no empathy for her, even when she was crying. It's soooo not like me at all.

I know that I don't want to see T until I see what the notes say about the group session....I am afraid of what he thinks of me and what I did...and I want to be able to process whatever it is that's stated...see how others react and try to move forward somehow based on that. I feel stuck at the moment. And angry.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

MUE!!! That's just awful...sounds oh so painful! Especially the part about T talking to the other woman....ugh! I can understand if you want to hide a bit...but please don't hide for too long. Things tend to get bigger and bigger when you avoid them. By next week it could be twice the size it is now. But take care of you, you know what works for you.

Wishing you a bit of peace!

Thanks, Eileen....It's hard sometimes when my group T is also my individual T...especially knowing that others in the group see him individually too. So, while I'm angry towards a particular person - I can totally see him being empathetic to them about my actions - and that ticks me off. Like, he'd make me out to be the bad guy, kwim?

I know I'm assuming....and that just makes it worse....I'm just boiling over with all these nasty emotions...

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by WePow

(((((( MUE ))))))) If you can go to session today, do it. Just be honest and get to the bottom of this. Can you find a different T and/or a different group? Sometimes groups have to be changed. My T had to do that a few months ago with his own stuff and it was not easy on him, but he came out of it much stronger and with a much healthier group that fits him.

Thanks, WePow. I already canceled and I don't plan on going. I just don't want to make the first step right now. I'm too BLECH and GRRR about it....

I am so.so.very.close to dropping out of group T. But I know I've been in this place before, and have come out the other side with a lot more knowledge and understanding. So, there's a teeny bit of hope that something important and good will come out of this. It's hard to see that at the moment though.

[mixedup_emotions]

I sent that email to my T on Tuesday night. He's off on Wednesdays...so this morning, I forwarded it to him again wanting to make sure he received it.

He responded, "I received it."

That was it.

[Sannah]

I know something better is on the other side of this............

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I know something better is on the other side of this............

Really? What?

Edited to add: I mean this in a sincere way. I feel as though I need some input from the outside, because I'm too far in it to see clearly. Thanks!

[mixedup_emotions]

And now I feel guilty for canceling. Not that I want to go. I don't. I just know that as the owner of this practice, he is out $$ because I canceled, unless he can find someone else to fill in my spot. And, one of things he admired about me was how dedicated I was to coming to all my sessions and not canceling left and right....And here I am, canceling. Blech.

[mixedup_emotions]

I just sent T another message saying that I feel guilty for canceling and asking if he was able to schedule another person during my session time in my place. If he was able to, then I will feel somewhat relieved - but still disappointed in myself for not keeping up with my commitment.