substitute T

so, I did what I told myself I wasn't going to do. I called the substitute T.

in case not everyone in the world is up to speed on my personal dramas, my T is on vacation. She has another T in her practice covering for her, and this is someone I know and have talked to before. She actually co-facilitated the skills group for the first 6 mos I was in it, and the last time my T went on vacation (a year and a half ago, lol!) she covered for her.

ANYWAY...I went to the college today for new student day and to meet with my advisor. It was way, way WAY too much. I didn't want to go, but felt like I should. Plus I did want to meet the new human services advisor. But, ugh. There were so many people there and I didn't know where to go or what I was doing.

I walked through the building where they had all these tables set up with pamphlets and stuff and then went directly back out, walked to my car and had an anxiety attack. But I had to go back, for the advising thing.

So I called the not-T, and left her a message. I didn't actually speak to her but it was okay. I calmed down and went back in and met some other human services students and even made a friend who is also a knitter.

This is my point: I WAS OKAY. I didn't talk to T but I calmed myself down and I WAS OKAY. I calmed myself down.

And then I missed not-Ts return call, but she left me a very nice message and said she was concerned and she was checking in with me and to please call her back and let her know how I'm doing. I found myself thinking "wow, I wish T would say she's concerned. I wish T would ask me to call her back just to check in."

so that's my other point: it is interesting to see different T styles. I'm not saying she's better than my T, or vice versa. It was just interesting.

But mainly: I'm okay!

Zoo! Wow! That is very good that your not-T was there for you :-)
And that you knew how to take care of YOU to make it through!!
Thank you much for sharing!

Sounds like YOU were the substitute T!!!!

I am really happy for you Zooropa.
Your courage makes me want to be courageous too.
Thank you for sharing.

That is so awesome Zoo. I'm so glad you were able to calm yourself down and able to go back in and do what you needed to. YAY!!!!

not-T just called me and we had a nice conversation. I filled her in on what happened today and that I was able to deal with it myself.

I also talked to her very briefly about the issue regarding the funding for me to continue in therapy and I guess I really wanted to hear her say something like don't worry about it, you won't get kicked out of T, but of course she didn't say that and now I'm just stuck sitting here with all these abandonment triggers going off.

I really really wish I could just talk to my T and have her tell me it's going to work out. It's a loooong time until Monday when I see her again. I guess I do see my case manager again on Thurs so I may get more information then, but it might not be good news.

I just want to know that I can see T for as long as I want to and that T could be the one thing I won't have to lose. I've lost so much, I've lost my children and my family and my siblings and my parents and...I just wish I could know, really know, that I won't lose T too. It doesn't feel good.

(((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))

Wow, you did SUCH. GOOD. WORK. today. Just, wow. I am so so so so proud of you for the kindness and gentleness you are learning to show yourself. When I read your posts, it helps me remind me to be kind and gentle to me. I can't tell you how huge that is.

I'm sorry you got triggered with the whole funding thing. I know that would freak me out too.

Can you let yourself feel the fear, because it's there, and it's real, and then find a way to get back in the present moment? Right NOW you have T (well, a T on vacation, but you know what I mean). Right now, you are okay.

You are doing such good work, zoo. Keep being gentle with you. You deserve that.

((((tree))))
I had the exact thought process you had, lol. I was telling myself not to worry about the future, that I have T *now*, but then a part inside me cried "no, I don't, she's gooone!"

But really I do. Everything is going to be okay. I hate to even think this, or say it, but if the worst does happen with T, it won't destroy me.

I'm realizing how much I build myself in other people, how I've always done that. I'm working on building myself in ME, so I can't lose myself again. I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet. I have to trust somehow that I won't lose T until I'm ready.

(((((((((((Zoo ))))))))))) The hard part sometimes is trusting that YOU can be ok - no matter what may happen with T. I do hope it works out fine though!

I'm having such a bad day today. I don't even know what's wrong, I can't look inside and try to figure out what I need or what I want or what will help. When I do, all I can think about is SI. I keep trying NOT to think about it, which of course doesn't work and pushing it away every time it comes up seems not only ineffective but...sort of, dishonest? Like I'm not being true to myself or validating my own feelings when I just keep pushing it away. And of course it comes back harder each time.

but I also don't want to attend to those urges. I don't want to think too much about it because it will make me want to do it. I know this about me.

I just feel like I'm climbing a tree to get away from the wind.

((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. Can you focus on the way you were able to calm yourself the other day and reach into that tool box to calm yourself? Can you think about what your T would suggest if she was here?

Big hugs!

((((Zoo)))))

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much. I wish I could be there for you. Instead of pushing away the thoughts maybe you could try a distract skill. Self soothe might help too. If you have to dont be afraid to call not-T sounds like shes there for you. Hang in there zoo. You're a very courageous person.

I feel a little better tonight. I don't have the urge to SI anymore, at least. I cried this morning, which isn't something I do often. I really needed that release.

I also met w/my case manager today and found out I'm approved for 6 more mos of therapy. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, it's good, but I want to acknowledge the part of me that says that's not enough. I want to be approved for T forever. I don't want to know I'm going to lose T. I want to never have to say goodbye. Part of me feels that way, and it's ok. It's okay to feel that way. It's understandable. It's okay and it doesn't mean I'm bad or clingy or too needy. It means I have deep needs and deep wounds and of course I don't want to say goodbye.

And the dialectic is, while all of that is true, I have to know and accept that I will not have T forever. I won't. Part of me is learning to be okay with that, too, and I want to acknowledge that part of me as well.

It's balancing acceptance with change. It's tricky and it's painful and it's exhausting.

It just feels like forever since I've seen T. Is she still out there? Will she be in her office on Monday morning when I get there? Or did she disappear off the earth just like she's disappeared from my life for the past week? I miss her. So much.

(((((zoo)))))

I'm sorry you're not doing well today. How are you now? Do you have an image of T inside of you that you can hold on to? Can you picture the two of you connecting? That often helps me when I'm struggling with strong feelings. I also agree with katlover that you could call not-T if you need to, since she sounded caring and compassionate.

I know it's hard to be calm when you are worried about funding for therapy. I hope that everything will work out okay for you.

I posted before I read your last post. Six months is a long time. You don't know what will happen after that. Maybe you'll get another 6 months? Yes, it's okay to not want to EVER have to say goodbye to T. I know that feeling well. That part of you has every right to feel that way about your T. Expressing those feelings will help. The reality is that we never know how long we will "have" anyone in our lives, but the impression they make on us, and the love they give us will last as long as we live.

((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

I'm glad you are feeling better. It is hard to know that you are only approved for six months at this point. But also remember, you may be approved for another six months after that and again after that. They may procedurally only be able to approve you for six months.

I know what you mean about not wanting to ever leave T. When I was first seeing a T I would refuse to admit when I was feeling a little bit better for fear they would kick me out when I knew that things would get worse again and didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to lose my support system that I had learned to depend on and trust.

I feel that way, googley. If I'm doing too well she will tell me I'm done & can transfer back to case management. If I'm not doing well enough she will tell I'm done & refer me to another T. It's exhausting trying to find the perfect balance in between.

(((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))

can you not try to find the balance? just let yourself be how you are?

I'm sorry you had such a hard day yesterday AND I'm proud of you for getting through it. It's hard to work through those urges and you did it.

Monday is almost here, and T will be there, and you will have made it through this. You are doing an awesome job.