[zooropa]

these are the things I want to talk about at T tomorrow. I know my T is planning on doing trauma work and I know I NEED to do trauma work, but this is what is going on in my life RIGHT NOW. The trauma needs to be dealt with, and it's pushing at me too, but maybe I'm used to that kind of internal pressure. The external pressure right now is almost more than I can handle.

• my first week at college
• both of my sons are in juvie for truancy
• my van is in the shop and may not be repairable
• my boys (13 and 16) want to move in with me
• I have a divorce/custody trial coming up and have to represent myself
• group T starts again this Sat & one of the participants is a former friend who now hates me
• just everything everything everything everything. Too much.

I'm trying to use my mindfulness skills. I keep telling myself to be here now
Be. Here. Now.

[Dr.Muffin]

wow, zoo! you certainly have a LOT on your plate! i hope you can get the the support you need in therapy tomorrow. mindfulness is good stuff, keep practicing!

[Kiya]

i keep thinking there is a "like" button and not a "thanks" button. be here now. i hear ya! (i don't know what truancy is). that is a LOT on your plate right now and yea, i think that get's first say. (((((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by Kiya

i keep thinking there is a "like" button and not a "thanks" button. be here now. i hear ya! (i don't know what truancy is). that is a LOT on your plate right now and yea, i think that get's first say. (((((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))

truancy is a fancy word for skipping school...at least it was back in my day!

[sunrise]

Zoo, it sounds like way too much going on to do trauma work, don't you think? You have your immediate life problems to deal with. If you gave your T that list, do you she would agree? I hope so! Sounds like you need support from T right now, and a sounding board so you can sort out some of these things, like how to deal with the truancy, the custody hearing, your boys potentially coming to live you, etc. Those are all really big things, and stressful

When is your next therapy session?

[darkrunner]

Ugh, that is a lot of stuff.

It is hard when there is enough time for everything.
I feel that way all of the time and it stinks.

I hope your T understands and prioritizes. Trauma work is extremely important and will ultimately help you move forward, but adding trauma stuff on top of all the other stuff you are dealing with just doesn't sound like a wise thing to do.

[WikidPissah]

yucky zoo...I do hope your T lets you process the current crisis...

My heart and thoughts are with you!!!

[granite1]

zoo thinking about you today.hope your sesson is helpfull

[googley]

Wow that is a lot Zoo. If your T doesn't agree to not do any trauma work, do you think you could suggest doing part of the session working on this stuff and part of the session working on trauma? That is so much stuff. I hope she agrees to work on that.

[Elana05]

Wow Zoo,

I can really relate. I have so much to bring up in therapy today that I just want to forget it (I guess that is counterintuitive ). But I know how you feel. Take some deep breaths. Just remember you are doing the very best you can and no one can ask you for more than that. In all of it, remember that you are important. In the midst of all of the thoughts and worries maybe take a moment just for you - a cup of tea, or a walk to clear your mind. Try to see the big picture, that you are just a person trying to do the best you can. And I'll try to do that too.

Sending you many warm wishes...

E

[zooropa]

(((((everyone)))))

I'm hoping to see my T today, sunrise. Having some transportation issues but hopefully it'll work out. If not, I'll see her sometime later this week.

I think I will take that list in to her (write it on my diary card) and let her see for herself what's going on. I mean, she knows most of that anyway, but doesn't necessarily know the emotional/psychological impact of the events. Individually each is pretty big. All together it really feels like right on the very very edge of what I can cope with. Going back into trauma work after a break and adding all that that entails doesn't seem like the best idea to me.

Anyway, I got some sleep last night, which helped. Hoping to leave in a few hours for T.

[jexa]

Yay I'm glad you should be able to make it today, zoo!!

[zooropa]

made it to T, I was about 15 mins late (which never happens!) and as soon as I walked in the door she said "I don't have anyone after you, so you'll get your whole session, it's okay".

I gave her my brain dump list above and we talked about it. Then we went into trauma stuff again. I didn't really WANT to, but then I never do want to. I think T was right to stick to the game plan, because while I may have had a good argument for not doing it today, I would probably be able to come up with one next week too, and the week after, and...

So, yeah. Spent a lot of time in trauma mode, not sure we covered very much ground but it felt like forever. It was hard, really hard, going back into it after the 3 week break. I was surprised how much it hurt, how hard it was, I had already forgotten how that feels.

I'm tired, exhausted really. Sad and lonely and all those things I know I've written here over and over, week after week, in all the months I've been doing trauma work. It's not any easier. It doesn't hurt any less. It doesn't feel like it's better or it will ever stop.

I'm angry, just a little. This isn't something I experience very often, but yeah. I'm angry.

[WePow]

(((((((Zoo))))))) You have done so well today! Be sure to give yourself a small treat of some sort - something extra just for little Zoo. You know I know how painful trauma work is. You know I said it before and I will say it again just for you so you can read it right now while you are in the pain...

YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE MAD !!!!!

You have every right in the world to be as angry as you need to be because of what was done and how it makes you feel in this now.
You know that this pain is the pain you would have felt back then if you could have processed it back then if you had been given the proper time and space and safety to feel all of that. And it stinks big time that some LOOSER in this world caused you to experience the pain you feel right now. And yes, I join you in being MAD AS HECK at those who harm the innocent.

Ok now sending you very big safe hugs!!!!!

[zooropa]

I'm ashamed and embarrassed about the things we talked about today. I hate going in there and having to show all my dirty, horrible insides to T. I don't think I can keep doing this. Right now, in this moment, I want to be done with T. I think I can go on, I can function, without her and this dismantling of my inner self is horrible. I don't even know if I CAN function, attend school and be a mother to my 4 kids, and do this work.

This feels so much worse than I thought it would. I want to be done. I am almost overcome with the desire to call T and cancel for next week, to say thank you and I love you and be done. Just...done.

[WePow]

((((((( Zoo ))))))) It is ok for you to feel this way. That is the thing about trauma - it leaves the innocent feeling how you feel right now. And that is why the word CRIME doesn't even scratch the surface.

I know you want to be done because it hurts. No one sane would want to feel what you have to feel right now. But you only have to feel THIS about THAT once !!! It really does clean the past. In so many ways I can't explain.

You are doing the work. And this will give you the freedom you deserve. Allow all this junky uckkkkkk to come up. Keep posting here on PC if you need to or want to - and let it out. Send me a PM if you want and you can even tell me not to read it and delete it and I will if you want that. Or reach out to your T and just make sure you are ok. This level of pain is not normal and not fair. ... but it will not last... you will make it through to the other side. And we are right here with you.

[zooropa]

thank you, wepow. I'm not okay.

[darkrunner]

(((((Zooropa))))

Remember to breathe, ok? Remember that list you wrote a while back, and the first thing on it was to breathe? Keep breathing and take one minute at a time.

[zooropa]

I called my T. I told her I can't do this anymore. I said I can't function like this, and I need to be able to function. Then my mind went blank so I said "I...can't remember what else I was going to say".

[googley]

((((((((((Zoo))))))))))

I'm glad you contacted your T and told her how bad it is. I hope she had something helpful/supportive to say.

[zooropa]

I didn't talk to her, I just left a message

[googley]

Oh, I'm sorry. I misread. I hope she contacts you soon.

[zooropa]

((((googley))))
You didn't misread, I didn't say I left her a message. Just not thinking too clearly I guess. I didn't ask her to call me back I don't think so I'm not expecting her to.

[WePow]

((((( Zoo )))))) you did the right thing by reaching out to T last night. I hope that you are finding more peace this morning and that you allowed yourself to walk through the hard stuff last night. Keep being gentle with YOU. You are doing it.

[WikidPissah]

(((zoo))) I'm so sorry that this is so hard on you. I have only done a very small amount of trauma work...and I couldn't handle it. You are so brave and strong for trying to delve into this stuff.