brain dump

I was only able to sleep a couple hours, I've been up since midnight. Sleep deprivation is just another layer to the mess, makes everything harder. I don't even know what I want or need right now. If I could figure out what I need then maybe I could figure out how to get that need met.

I halfway want T to call me back and halfway don't. I don't know if I'll answer if she does call. I just don't know what will help at this point, I know what will help me feel better in the moment but nothing without negative repercussions. Just trying to stay safe I guess.

(((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))

I hope, SO MUCH, that today feels a little better.

When I was heavy heavy in the CSA stuff, the day/night after session were THE WORST. By far. And it took so much work to get out of that place..but looking back, I think being in that place is part of what led to the healing. I had to be in ALL of that yuck and find out that life would go on, and that I would find a way to survive and be okay. I spent so many years, including the years when it was happening, just dissociating, pushing it away, "pretending"...when I made it real, it HURT, and just like you, I reallllllllly didn't know if I could be a mom, function in the world,etc. But I did. And doing it showed me I CAN do it. It just sucked SO MUCH in the meantime.

I'm back in some different trauma stuff with T now. It's still really awful during session, but when I come home, I'm OKAY. There's some residual yuck, but not like before. And the next day...I'm OKAY.

We learn that we are okay. The crappy thing is that it takes time. You're doing it. I wish you didn't have to do it, but you ARE doing it.

Be gentle with you, sweet zoo

I don't think I am doing it, actually. I really think I'm done. I felt so good during those 3 weeks we didn't talk about it, even with missing T and with everything else going on, I slept a LOT and I didn't have flashbacks or nightmares or anything. I think I can go back to that and just be okay. I didn't finish telling my story to T, but I told most of it. I healed a lot. It's going to be a lifelong process, I know that. I will probably have to return to trauma work in the future. But I think I have to be done for now. It's the only thing that gives me some peace. If I give myself permission to be done, to not go back there and sit in her office and rip myself open, it's the only thing I can think about that gives me some room to breathe.

I've been learning a lot about self-care lately. I've been working really hard on figuring out what I need and meeting those needs or finding some way to get them met. And I have to take care of myself, nobody, not even T, will do that for me. I have to protect myself from being hurt. In the past I wasn't able to do that, but now I can and I have to if I want to have any kind of a life worth living.

I just can't keep hurting myself and abusing my younger parts this way. I feel like I have to be the protector of the younger versions of myself that I carry around inside. And the only way I can do that now is to stop this. It's been almost a year since I started trauma work. I'd say I tried. I'd say I gave it everything I had. And if I keep pushing I won't have anything left to live on.

enough. enough.

((((zoo)))) Only you know what you need to heal. I'm sorry it's so hard -- I hope you get to talk to T. Remember when she had backed down and said you could go into just managing triggers? Maybe she'd be willing to do that work again instead, if that's what will help you heal right now, and if that's what you want from T.

I forgot about that, Jexa. Thanks for reminding me. I'm so tired and scared and triggered right now. I need a mommy to come take care of me, lol. Instead I'm trying to be my own mommy, but it's hard. Coming here helped me get through the night.

(((( zoo ))))

Sorry I haven't been around lately. I'm also sorry things have been so hard. I too am in that mode of not wanting to go back to T. Not wanting to open up and feel the pain. Not wanting to feel pressured into dealing with it by having to go to T each and every week. I feel so closed off at the moment, and that feels "safe" to me. I hope we both can figure out what we need to get to the other side...

((( HUGS )))

so, I got an email from my mother this morning. I haven't heard from her directly in close to 2 years. I won't/can't go into all the background, but I'll just say she's toxic. She's planning on coming to visit my kids this weekend, and some of you may recall that her visits always kind of send me into a bad place.

this is just so, so not what I needed today. Haven't heard back from my T, don't feel really comfortable calling her again although I WANT to tell her about the email and ask her what the hell I should do now.

what a mess everything has become all of a sudden. ugh.

just came back to add some more because this is really bugging me. I'm kind of...angry? about the timing. What the...why does my mom have to come poke me on the single hardest day I've had in MONTHS? Does she have some spidey sense that gets tingling when I'm vulnerable? This just blows. I'm frustrated and perplexed.

especially since my very first thought, before I even read the email, was to pick up the phone and call her. My inner child was definitely in charge in that moment, lol.

T called me. I cried. I had a whole huge thing typed out and lost it. ARGH.

I told her I didn't know if she just didn't get my message last night or if she was purposely trying to let me stew in my emotions over night, and she said she was purposely trying to let me stew in my emotions overnight, lol. That's when I started crying. I told her I don't think she knows how much that hurts me and that I know I look like I'm doing great but she doesn't know how raw and vulnerable I really am.

I told her I spent a lot of the night thinking about the "fact" that she didn't call me back because of what we talked about during our session yesterday. She was hugely apologetic about that, I know she wasn't looking at it that way.

I just hate it when I can see her using DBT protocols on me. I want and need her to respond to me with compassion and caring, particularly when I am calling in the middle of a big PTSD trigger fest. I don't want to think of her looking at her book and following some behavior shaping checklist or extinguishing protocol. I hate that.

she did mention that I didn't ask for a call back, which is fair I guess except that's never been our pattern. I told her I've been calling her for 2 years and didn't know I had to ask her to call me back. So at the end of the conversation (which was loooong, 30 minutes!) she said "so, in the future should I call you back every time you call unless you specifically say you don't need a call back?" and I said that'd be GREAT.

We talked about trauma and how I'm trying so hard to love myself and we talked about my mom and my relationship with her and she shared some personal things with me, which is out of character for her. I think she was trying to show me that she can be vulnerable in the relationship, too.

So, it was good and I feel marginally better. I think I may be able to sleep now. I can't believe I cried as much as I did

I feel kind of stupid because I keep replying to myself or adding more to posts I wrote earlier. But...we also talked about how hard I'm working at loving myself and T said I should practice saying "I love me", and it was really weird because I just got a new phone and I put in the personalized banner this morning and that's what I put: I love me. I told her I'm not there yet but I want to be and that I put that on my phone because it's the thing I want the most right now, more than anything else.

(((( HUGS ))))

I'm glad you talked to T and that you cried....crying can be so cleansing and healing. I hope you are able to feel a little bit of peace and get some good sleep tonight.

thanks for your support today (and always!) MUE

I love you too, Zoo. You are one brave lady.

and I have a cyberKITA for yr T, if you don't mind.
you could PM me where to send it.

I think it is totally okay to respond to yourself. Sometimes we don't get replies as quickly as we have new things to share. I'm glad you talked to your T and clarified when she is going to call back. My T and I had to do that.

I agree with the others that you are soooo strong. You are doing such a good job.

oh ((((zoo)))) I'm glad you talked to T. That sounds like a healing conversation

((((((((((((((Zoo )))))))))))))))) You did so awesome with all that you did today!!!
Way to go!

((((((everyone))))))

You guys. Thank you. I needed so much to come here and read your messages of love and support. Thank you.

SAWE, thanks in particular for validating that my T might need a KITA, I agree. I'm trying to focus on the conversations I've had with her today and in the past where I know she is doing her very best with me. I still feel like I was in a larger amount of emotion misery over night because of her decision to not call me back yesterday. It was a misstep on her part and I'm trying to be forgiving and realize that we all make mistakes. But...damn. That hurt. A lot. It triggers a lot of abandonment $hit, obviously.

BUT. Yes, Jexa, the conversation we had was healing and she went waaaay over her usual 5ish minute limit so that was important. It shows me that she does care. She told me more than once that she was calling to check on me, that she went to a funeral this morning but her first priority after that was calling me.

I actually talked to her again this evening as I was freaking out over my mom's email and what to do and also freaking out about having to go to class tonight in the middle of this emotional mess. We talked for about 10 minutes that time.

I'm just all torn up. I'm equal parts hurt by T and feeling nurtured by her. I'm exhausted beyond words, I think I've slept maybe 10 hrs total in the past 3 nights. I am at the absolute limit of what I can handle and I'm TERRIFIED to go to sleep. Every single time I tried to sleep today the flashbacks would come the second I relaxed. I'm so scared and so alone and yet I keep telling myself that, no, I'm not alone. I'm not all alone in the world, but I am alone in my skin and that's the dialectic I guess.



PS I want to make a blanket apology to everyone, I know you are each going through your own things and I'm sorry I'm leaning heavily on you and not giving a lot back right now. I'll try to do better.

yeah, I'm replying to my reply again

here's why. I really really want to call T again. It's not very late here on the west coast yet. I'm so scared to go to sleep. I want to talk to her about that. But I wonder if I just want to call her because I want to feel that connection again. And if so, if that's a good enough reason or if the 45 mins she spent on the phone with me already today should be enough for me.

Am I trying to push her and see how far I can go? Am I trying to test the relationship and make sure we're okay? Do I really need to talk to her? And are any of those reasons valid ones for calling her at home at 10pm? Is it ok to have those needs? And why DO I feel such a huge sucking hole inside of me? It's all spinning around in my head. I don't know what to do.

(((((Zooropa)))))
I hope you called your T and got some rest last night.
It sounds like maybe you were over-analyzing it and really, it doesn't matter why you want to call T - there could be many reasons. The point is you are doing serious hard work in therapy admist all the other stuff going on in your life. She made a committment to support you through this and she cares about you. Trust your T.

(((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))))

I had a bad weekend a couple of weekends ago and I e-mailed T/left him phone messages A LOT. I looked at my sent messages at the end of the weekend and I was totally surprised at how many times I e-mailed.

We had a session last Thursday that was hard but one of those steps forward in healing, and I don't think I called or e-mailed at all last weekend.

During the session after the hard weekend, i said something like "I've been having a hard time" and T said "I know, I could tell by how much you e-mailed"...and I immediately went into "are you mad? was it too much? etc." And he WASN'T mad, and it WASN'T too much. For him, it's information: "treehouse is overwhelmed, and struggling".

Sometimes we need a lot of support, and sometimes we are fine on our own. Both are okay, both are part of healing. It's okay to need support right now. It's even okay to reply to your own thread

Breathe, sweet zoo

((((((Zoo))))))) I also hope you were able to find rest last night. Sending tons of big safe hugs for you!!

I didn't call my T again, and I did sleep. I was so so scared to even try to sleep after my experiences yesterday of having flashbacks every time I closed my eyes, but in the end I just got in bed and went to sleep and had no flashbacks or nightmares. PHEW!

I feel like crap today, physically, and I think it's some kind of emotional hangover from the huge mess of yesterday. I'm trying to just take it easy today and do things that feel good and nurturing. Trying to love me, I guess.

((((Zoo)))) glad you got some sleep !!!

I keep thinking about how my T asked me yesterday if I was suicidal. I don't know if she's ever asked me that before. Certainly I've called her and TOLD her I was suicidal in the past but she asked out of the blue and I'm kind of
I haven't been suicidal for months. If she thought I was, why'd she let me hang out "with my feelings" all night?
It's just weird.

(((((((((Zoo)))))))))))) Your T was just concerned for you and wanted to make sure you were ok. big hugs!

I understand why you feel a bit puzzled zoo but I think WePow's right -- maybe it was just a random thing that occurred to her -- like maybe she heard something in something you said, that wasn't what you meant, something like that. Maybe also T was just checking since she knows how hard all this work has been? How you said on the phone message that you just couldn't do it anymore?

Keep being gentle with yourself, zoo..

I hope it's okay if I call T and just check in with her, because I'm going to. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and sad and alone and yeah. All that bad stuff. Triggered, I guess, in a word.