what is emailing your therapist like?

my therapist used to say, "you can call me 50 times a day if you need to.." but last week added, "if it's a crisis." i don't feel like i can call her anymore, so i haven't.

i have been wondering about email though (which we've done previously, but strictly for administrative (insurance) stuff), but i'm thinking of asking her if perhaps we can email for other stuff. i wanted to ask you all: what is emailing your therapist like? what do you say? what to they say? how often is it? and is it helpful?

thanks for any feedback.

Be sure you clear it first with your T.
Understand exactly what the ground rules are - such as how often can you send email, and when should you expect a reply - if at all.

This was one of the first things I did with my T as he told me I could email him as I worked through my trauma healing. Email is a tool my T uses for very specific reasons in therapy. In truama healing, the flashbacks happen at all times, and it can create an interal crisis when they hit. So emailing T at 1AM is better for the client (you don't feel like you are bothering T with the stuff - which adds to guilt) and T isn't being disturbed from sleep or other sessions all the time when there is nothing they can really say or do to help because the bulk work of the trauma healing is to actually get IT all out into the open and process the emotions.

Waiting around on T to email you back if the rules are not clear can be retraumatizing. That is why it is important for a client to understand what will happen when an email is sent.

My T told me he may not even be able to read the emails I send him all the way through, and that kinda stung my heart. But he did want me to have that outlet. So even knowing that, I was able to use the tool for healing. We may not like the rules our T has in place for things like email, but it is much better to understand the rules up front. So ask.

Like WePow said, it's important to first clarify the ground rules and expectations with email just as you would with between session phone contact. I use email as my primary form of between session communication for everything ranging from insurance and appointment issues to intensive processing of thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It's been extremely helpful for me because it helps me work through things and feel connected to him between sessions even though he responds very infrequently.
Every T is different regarding email -- my T allows me to send unlimited emails but I need to remember that he may not have time to read all of them. Generally we begin each session talking about whatever seemed significant to either or both of us in the emails I sent, so even though he doesn't respond very often I still know that he's there for me between sessions.
Some T's don't allow it because they think it's less "secure" than snail mail but there's nothing inherently secure about snail mail either -- I've often received mail that was meant for other people but put into my mailbox by mistake so I don't really understand that. But whatever. My T and I have found email to be very beneficial and it works well for us.

I also use email with my therapist and it has been very helpful. He said that I am welcome to call or email him, but emailing just seems less invasive to me. I figure he can read (or not) when it is convenient for him and I don't feel like I am intruding and bothering him quite as much. I agree about being clear about ground rules though, it will save a lot of pain and anguish. Initially my T responded to every email with either a call or an email back. After a while he stopped responding and I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong to cause this change. I would agonize every time I sent an email and heard nothing back. It felt like a rejection and like I was bad and had done something wrong. After a couple months of this, I finally got up the courage to ask him about this and basically, if I want a response I need to say in the email that I would like him to answer. He reads them regardless but since many of my emails are just me trying to get things out, there is really no need for him to get back to me about them. Now that I understand how this works for us, I don't have all of that discomfort of waiting and wondering if he will answer or not and why.

For me email is a very helpful addition to my f2f sessions. It also most times helps soothe me. T always responds, not immediately but as and when she can and that in itself has helped me, learning that because someone does't reply immediately doesn't mean they dont care or I dont matter, its been another way to learn how to regulate my own anxiety.

There have been misunderstandings with email between us, but thats been part of the work, sometimes I felt I was arguing with T through email, but she pointed out we're just having a conversation, which was another emotion regulator for me. Perhaps email for me is where a lot of my miscommunications happen so being able to email with T has helped in this area.

Hi Seventyeight,

Like the others said, it is really important to clearly define everyone's expectations beforehand.

A few months ago, my T offered to let me check in with her by email between sessions. It was really helpful at first and was the extra bit of encouragement I needed to keep going. She usually responded within one day. Although sometimes it took several days. And one time she didn't respond at all, even though I had asked her a question and requested that she respond. At the next session she said that she read the email but didn't respond right away, and forgot to respond later. That really hurt my feelings.

I am not finding the emails that helpful anymore, and I'm not sure if it is me, or her, or both of us. I get the sense that the emails are annoying her. She tells me not to 'mind-read' about stuff like that, but when I ask her directly I don't get a direct answer.

Anyway, to answer your questions:

what is emailing your therapist like?
It's nice to have the connection in between sessions.

what do you say?
I talk about the things I'm struggling with, maybe any small successes, sometimes I write about additional thoughts or insights I had about something we talked about in session. I've also written about dreams, and also current issues.

what to they say?
She usually responds with a few lines, mostly just encouragement and pointing out any cognitive distortions; she reminds me to use coping skills.
A couple of times she has responded with longer emails, and twice she emailed me first.

how often is it?
She said I could email as much as I wanted. I asked her if I could email her even 20 times a day? She said yes But I got the sense that she wouldn't respond to each one.

and is it helpful?
It was really really helpful at first. Lately it has been hard, but I am trying to stick with it. I don't have much of a support system in real life, so I need all the help I can get.

Sorry this is so long, but I hope it helps a bit.
Let us know what you decide to do!

I feel the same way many times I e-mail my T. Perhaps because her responses are generally short and she tries not to encourage e-mail discussions. I think she was unable or unwilling to set clear boundaries about e-mail. So now it is at the point where I am afraid to e-mail her even if I feel like I need to, because I never know what kind of a response I will get. Sometimes it is nice and I feel better for it, sometimes it results in even more distress.

Part of the problem for some people is that it's easy to misinterpret written words since you have to decipher the tone, etc. and when emotions are running high it's harder to do that without projecting. From my own experience email works best when you already know your T well enough to make those interpretations with some degree of accuracy. I used to feel disappointed by my T's brevity in email responses until I realized that's just his style and it doesn't reflect the quality of our relationship. He has a way of sounding clinical even when he's portraying his best "warm and fuzzy" but that's just the way he is.

remember that email is asynchronous - it is not a live conversation like on the phone. one may write thoughtfully or carefully, or just dash off a quick message. I'm so used to using it for work and with family & friends. With T, it is not the same.

what is emailing your therapist like?
I'm in an HMO that provides secure email between members and all providers. The providers/their office staff are supposed to respond within 48 hr. So, I write my MD, PsychMD, cardiologist, my kids' docs, etc. It's very handy.
OldT - we used email as an extension of therapy. I am learning that this may have created dependency on him, and it allowed me to feed my obsessive thoughts about him. I would wait breathlessly for his responses.
NewT - email is not for therapy. If I'm experiencing difficult feelings, then she wants me to journal, or think thru it.

what do you say?
OldT - I commented on how a session helped me, or something that left me feeling unsettled. I asked questions, like "what did you mean when you said____?" or an observation about how I handled a situation IRL.
NewT - I only write her basic stuff, what should I be working on? or "Last session was great, thanks!".

what do they say?
OldT would do his best to give a thoughtful and careful response, here's what I meant, glad you felt connected last time, have you considered it like this?
He had a special setup that gave him extra time each day when he could write detailed responses.
NewT - one line "Thanks for the update" or "See you next time" she does not engage. On the rare occasion there is detailed response, it's often not ideal because she does not have time for a careful response.

how often is it?
OldT - almost every day, sometimes several per day.
NewT - maybe only one per week, or not at all.

and is it helpful?
OldT - I loved it and thought it was very helpful. But, in hindsight I am less sure it was helpful.
NewT - not meant to help. I'm in the habit now of storing up my questions for a session, since in person we can have the back and forth quickly that helps me understand her meaning.

Maybe start by talking in person about how phone calling rules may have changed? "I'm feeling uncomfortable about calling you lately"

I rarely email my T. I have enough issues around calling her and I found that emailing just compounded the problem (now I had 2 ways of waiting for a response from her instead of one, lol). Actually, my T never did respond to the last email I sent, probably a couple of months ago. I just gave up after that.

I text her sometimes, but not a lot. There is some real cognitive dissonance that goes on when this person that I admire and respect so much sends me a message that says "UR doin gr8." Seriously.

My advice to you, 78, would be to make sure you know what your T's boundaries are, because for me some of the most painful moments in therapy have been when I bumped up against Ts boundaries (or vice versa) and thus felt rejected/abandoned.

Emailing my T is a gift she has given me that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I have always had more to say, much more, than fits into the therapy hour, even though now I get 1 1/2 hours. I'm making up for all of my silence in the past. I email my feelings about the session and how I'm doing. Sometimes I ask my T to clarify something she said. Mostly, it's just that I need that connection right after therapy and I always have.

My T always replies, usually the next day. At first we didn't have the agreement that she would do that, but I finally asked her and she said she would always reply. I was in shock, moved to tears. I think she knows how much it means to me. No T has given me so much as this one. I feel like the emails are my lifeline.

I know that most Ts don't email the way mine does. She answers in detail, and started using a different color in between my words. You have to ask your T if and how you can email her. Every T is different. For me, it solves that connection problem you brought up, but maybe it wouldn't work for you and your T. I wish you luck in finding a way to connect with your T after sessions, 78.

I email my T.. not often and only when something has happened that I want to be able to talk about in my next session or that I am coping with on my own and just want reassurance I guess.
He would take my phone calls if need be but for me.. i can email and express the situation fairly blandly. It puts the emotions out of my mind for a while.
The responses aren't indepth - just reminders that I can do anything that I set my mind to.. or that I am a good person and I am allowed to make my own choices (say emailing my ex.. )
I think that just knowing that the communication can be between sessions helps.. that I can lean on a professional helps me cope.

I e-mail sometimes, but recently I've sms'd, as she says she hardly checks her mail. With sms I try keep it to a minimum, I must understand it can take time for a reply as she may well be busy.
I guess she gets yo understand my moods better, because I can say it as i feel it, when it happens - and not have to try and remember for the next T session. I find it easier to put my feelings down on paper/e-mail/sms, than f2f, so it is often a good start to a f2f session if T has some sort of understanding what I've been going through

Rainbow, I like what you said about email being a gift, thats exactly what it feels like.