[WikidPissah]

I just realized I cannot do T. I just spent 50 giving him a brief overview of my history. I didn't even get into the bad stuff. Towards the end I got really dizzy, and really nauseous. I left there feeling unstable. I couldn't even drive home, I just went to the beach and sat there on the breakwater in the cold rain for well over an hour. I'd still be there if my daughter hadn't called an asked where dinner was.

I just can't talk about this crap. I know I am weak. You are all going to say stuff like "hang in there, it's hard work, but you can do it" etc.

The fact of the matter is, no...I can't. I was very brief today, barely even skimmed the surface, just a really generic overview...and my whole world is spinning, I can't function.

I wasn't built for this. I can't stomach it. I get too unstable too easily. I need to not talk about me at all. No T, no pdoc, no medication. I need to get back to where I was 4 years ago before I took this sideroad. Back to accounting, back to working a million hours a week, back to oblivion.

[lynn P.]

I don't have any gold advice about this topic....just here to give you some hugs (((Eileen2010)).

[granite1]

i am putting a lot of thought into this and will im you .hang on girl i know it is hard and it is also hard to hear the you can do its and all when you so feel like you cant or dont want to

[geez]

((Eileen)) it feels impossible right now but there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel (even though you don't see it right now). Please have faith in the process and be gentle with your inner self. - I too have felt overwelmed and it will pass.

I feel exactly the same way and I've been in therapy for four years. It's too hard and I am still too unstable.

[WePow]

((((((Eileen)))))) actually, if you felt that way and that T allowed you to leave in that condition, I say that is NOT the right T for you. The right T would have seen you were in trouble - would have known even in a short amount of time. My T did! That first session was as you described - and my T had me just sit there with him while he finished his paperwork on me. He watched me and asked me if I was feeling any better. Then I did feel safer and he smiled just a little and said "Ok then, next week - same time?" And that was the start of what is now the best thing that I have ever done for myself.

It may not be time for you to go into therapy as deeply as you describe. Maybe it is better to wait a bit and try to forget the pain through all those things you describe. Only you know the true answer to this. All I can say is that when it is time to get help, a person just doesn't have a choice. There is a NEED that is as real as hunger for food or thirst for water. And sadly, for trauma work, once the mind decides it is time to open up and show you all the hidden things - well there isn't much say we have over the matter. The mind has a mind of its own really.

Just go easy on yourself right now and let yourself have space to consider things. You will know what is right for you .... for both right now and for the long run. And whatever you decided - remember it is YOUR life and YOUR choice.

safe hugs to you however i found once i opened the flood gates i couldn't get them shut until every drop over water had disappeared... there is hope on this journey... just hard to see on some days....trust t to be there for you

[gelfling]

((((((((((((Eileen)))))))))))))

Please take care of yourself - WePow has some really good points, I hope you find your path.

[Dr.Muffin]

trauma work is a really big deal and only you will know if/when youre ready to embark on that extremely difficult path. from what you said, it sounds to me that what you would benefit from is not regressive, trauma-focused therapy...but more in the way of coping, relaxation and improving your ability to bring yourself to a place of equilibrium....

i do hope that you find some in-between place because what youve described are two extremes that just cant be comfortable for you. *hugs*

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

I just realized I cannot do T. .

That aside, do you want to do therapy though?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by WePow

......... All I can say is that when it is time to get help, a person just doesn't have a choice. There is a NEED that is as real as hunger for food or thirst for water. And sadly, for trauma work, once the mind decides it is time to open up and show you all the hidden things - well there isn't much say we have over the matter. The mind has a mind of its own really.........

hi there, I am sorry it is so hard

I agree with WePow very much and the flip side is, when you're not ready to go into the difficult stuff, you don't have to. You can spend a long time - as long as you need to - just getting to know yr T, developing a sense of safety. It can come (it even came for me, although it took a long time).

You will not be pushed to go faster than you can go safely. And you shouldn't be allowed to push yourself, either. And then, as WePow says, whenever a time comes and you know internally that something should be spoken, it will come easier.

Dear Eileen, oblivion is noplace to spend your life. I should know. It gets very lonely, sitting at the water's edge.

[sugahorse1]

The first session with T is a brief overview - while you wouldnt have delved into things deeply, you still had to remember the surface of a LOT of things.

If your T is right for you, he will have realised how much you battled. For the next session I'd imagine he would let you dictate the direction of the conversation, allow you to delve as deeply as you want and just generally tread lightly. Even if you really just discuss plutonic topics until you both get more comfortable.

Please give it a try - I really appreciate having started T

[Ithurts]

Sugahorse is right. You only had the first session. Basically you told a stranger a lot of information about yourself and you are having strong feelings about that. Why wouldn't you?

Give it four more sessions then make a decision.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

I just realized I cannot do T. I just spent 50 giving him a brief overview of my history. I didn't even get into the bad stuff. Towards the end I got really dizzy, and really nauseous. I left there feeling unstable.

As others have suggested, you can go at your pace, not that set by others. You can slow it down. And if your T does not see right away that you need to, tell him (her?). Then if the T still does not get it, maybe another T would.

[WikidPissah]

Thanks everyone for all the very good comments. It was a really rough night. I slipped out late last night and headed down to the beach for several hours again. Just sat there wishing the waves would come up and just wash me away. Willing the darkness to engulf me. I know that sounds stupid and lame, but it's what I do when I am not safe.

Originally Posted by WePow

((((((Eileen)))))) actually, if you felt that way and that T allowed you to leave in that condition, I say that is NOT the right T for you.
It may not be time for you to go into therapy as deeply as you describe. And sadly, for trauma work, once the mind decides it is time to open up and show you all the hidden things - well there isn't much say we have over the matter.

T didn't know. I took the "tough chick" stance. I kept saying things like "I'm fine" "Piece of cake" "this is easy"...etc. It wasn't Trauma stuff at all. Just doing family history, family tree thing. Listing my siblings, briefly describing my parents. At the end he kept talking about crisis, and what to do...but I totally disassociated at that point, I kept nodding my head roboticly.

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

it sounds to me that what you would benefit from is not regressive, trauma-focused therapy...but more in the way of coping, relaxation and improving your ability to bring yourself to a place of equilibrium....

That's basically what we've been doing. With this T for the past 2 mos....for a few years with the last T.

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

That aside, do you want to do therapy though?

I want to be better. I want to go back to where I was before I had the psychotic break 4 years ago. I am not getting better, things are getting worse.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Dear Eileen, oblivion is noplace to spend your life. I should know. It gets very lonely, sitting at the water's edge.

I thought ignorance was bliss?

Originally Posted by sugahorse

The first session with T is a brief overview - while you wouldnt have delved into things deeply, you still had to remember the surface of a LOT of things.T

I've been with this T for a little over 2 mos. He hadn't done the actual intake yet because I was so skiddish. He asked yesterday if we could do a brief history...I said yes.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Ignorance may be bliss but you are past that point now.
Denial - which my sister has opted for instead of therapy - is death by inches.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Ignorance may be bliss but you are past that point now.
Denial - which my sister has opted for instead of therapy - is death by inches.

((((Eileen))))

A little at a time... just a little... two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, one step back. You did this -- you DID this, you gave him a little bit of history -- that IS a huge step, you ARE surviving right now even though it hurts. This looks like a few big steps forward to me.

[rainbow8]

Eileen,

I'm sorry your session was so difficult. Can you call or email your T to tell him your reactions? I think it's important for him to know that your were NOT all right afterwards. How do you feel now?

I hope you can stick with the process. I don't want you to be in pain, though.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Can you call or email your T to tell him your reactions? I think it's important for him to know that your were NOT all right afterwards. How do you feel now?

I feel shell shocked. Wicked pissed at myself...I am way stronger then this! I don't want to call him, I can't show any weakness, time for me to Man Up (actually woman up), get on with my life. I have been doing this too f'ing long. I handled it back then, why can't I handle it now? I am f'ing 45 yrs old. Is just some freakin mid-life crisis? I need to suck it up and get on with it or get out of it.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((( Eileen )))))))))))))))))) the baggage gets heavier as you go on. At some point you can put it down and ask for help; there's no shame in that. Please go gently with yourself.

Eileen, I'm sorry it was such a difficult experience for you. I don't see anyone here saying "you can do this, keep going" etc, as you thought they would. I think everyone is saying to listen to yourself. I think that part of healing is trusting yourself to know what you can bear, and not being punitive (as your last post sounds) by pushing yourself past that.

If you want to get more stable, or focus on feeling a sense of coping or accomplishment in your everyday life, then why not use you therapy to focus on that for now? Those are worthwhile goals too and DBT won't even consider trauma work until you're stable and have the skills to truly cope. And in the meantime you're building a strong therapeutic relationship which will stand you in great stead if you decide to do the trauma work at a later point, rather than just jumping head first into hell with only a stranger as a guide.

Just some thoughts. I hope today got better for you...

[Sannah]

Eileen, I am so glad that you have the ocean to help you cope. This is really good that you have discovered this and that you use it to cope.

I really hope that you go back to T and tell him what happened after last session. For him to wait this amount of time to do a history shows that he is aware of how you are doing.

You can do this but it will be one little step at a time. Please continue to keep us posted.

[WikidPissah]

it's been a hell of a week...I'm up/I'm down...I'm never going back to T/I need to talk to him...etc. T actually called me towards the end of last week, he said "you didn't look like you were doing well when you left Tues, and I was concerned " ... of course I stuffed it, said "no, I am totally fine" ARG. Then he said "well I want you to know if you need support, you can call me". UGH...I don't want to lean on him, but I do want to. I don't like that he noticed how bad I was on Tues. I want him to ONLY know what I tell him. Is that stupid? See how I am? I will never get far in this T stuff, I am shut tighter than a cohog (big clam). So I have a standing on Tues...I want to cancel...but I don't want to cancel.

[Kacey2]

T actually called me towards the end of last week, he said "you didn't look like you were doing well when you left Tues, and I was concerned " ... of course I stuffed it, said "no, I am totally fine" ARG. Then he said "well I want you to know if you need support, you can call me".
Eileen it sounds like T is really attuned to your feelings and needs. I would strongly encourage you to act opposite to your emotion (DBT lingo) and go to your appointment on tuesday. Let your T do his job and help you. That's what WePow told me once. You are doing a great job remember this is a marathon not a sprint.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

it's been a hell of a week...I'm up/I'm down...I'm never going back to T/I need to talk to him...etc. T actually called me towards the end of last week, he said "you didn't look like you were doing well when you left Tues, and I was concerned " ... of course I stuffed it, said "no, I am totally fine" ARG. Then he said "well I want you to know if you need support, you can call me". UGH...I don't want to lean on him, but I do want to. I don't like that he noticed how bad I was on Tues. I want him to ONLY know what I tell him. Is that stupid? See how I am? I will never get far in this T stuff, I am shut tighter than a cohog (big clam). So I have a standing on Tues...I want to cancel...but I don't want to cancel.

no, thats not stupid at all! people with trauma histories struggle with the exact same issues you are struggling with. you are most certainly not alone in your ambivalence....although, im not sure that information helps at all. i hope that you go on tuesday and talk about all youve shared here. it sounds like your therapist is tuned into you and wants to be of assistance. sharing all the inconsistencies and contradictions of all your very real thoughts and feelings will help him in that task...