not trusting.

So today's session was weird, my second session with my new T. Although I like her, I am noticing I don't trust her at ALL and it's disconcerting. I didn't used to NOTICE that I didn't trust people and my old T helped me become more aware of it. And now I am VERY aware of it as I am noticing how difficult it is to open up to this new T...

Last session, I told newT a lot about my past. She told me at the end of session to note any reactions I had to sharing all that with her. Today I got in and sat down and this is basically how it went:

T: So, I'd love to hear about how you've done over the past two weeks. Did you have any reactions to our last session?
Me: Um, well, yes, but it's uncomfortable to talk about. I don't really want to talk about it.
T: Oh, that's interesting.
Me: Um, yeah, I'm sorry, I don't know, I'm really anxious right now.
T: What do you normally do when you're anxious?
Me: Um, I don't know, try to think about something else, try to ride it out, wait for it to pass.
T: Would you be interested in doing some breathing or some bodywork with this anxiety?
Me: (silently panicking, terrified, thinking "NO WAY! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? THAT STUFF WILL MAKE ME WAY TOO VULNERABLE LADY")
Me: No, no that's okay.
T: Okay. So what would you like to talk about today?
Me: *change the subject to an intellectual topic* *talk for the rest of the session about my work frustrations* *obviously completely avoid the anxiety that began our session*

Yeah. Awesome.

you gotta cut yourself some slack! its only your second session, jexa....it takes time build that type of relationship. you cant rush it or force it.

Soooooo much of early therapy is just building a relationship and finding a little bit of safety. I think it's absolutely fine to talk about work right now. Bit by bit we learn to trust...you are taking the first steps.

Jexa,
I think you handled it brilliantly. Can you try to focus on the positives?

You were honest about feeling uncomfortable and anxious, you established and maintained a boundary around doing breathing/body work, and you steered the conversation to something that is managable for you right now.

I'm sure your T is smart enough to see all of that, and she didn't push you to do more than you were ready to do, which is another small piece of evidence that she cares and can be trusted.

Don't be so hard on yourself!

(((jexa))) you just started, so trust needs room to grow.
Do you think you might be pulling back after your shock at how much you told her the first time?

Jexa, it is frustrating I know - the whole thing of being at a certain place in therapy where you are able to feel a certain way in a safe way. Able to feel open and vulnerable and get the healing words and actions you need to carry you over until the next session. Oh how I get that!!!

And then all of a sudden to have the emotional IV stopped !!!! To no longer be able to access that medication !!!! To have something you do NOT trust (yet) that is now supposed to sustain you until you see T again!

Sometimes I think the whole universe has a SICK sense of humor about this situation.

I understand because that is the way I feel right now inside about my T changing offices. It is not a new T the way you had happen (OMG you are SUPER strong to deal with THAT one!). But I know the pain of needing that T-time and that medication - and then having the prescription changed on you!!!!

Big hugs!

wepow said it so beautifuly.jexa.give yourself time.and i'm sending bunches of hugs.(((jexa)))

Hey, sounds like you were honest, and you did do something productive with the session and were able to tolerate it.

My "safe" therapy topics, useful for when I cannot tolerate the real stuff, is my relationship with my mom and my ADHD son's situation. Work is also a good fall back topic.

Next time you can say "I keep thinking that I don't really trust you yet, even though I found myself able to share some very personal, painful information."
Then you can go from there, talk about trust!

You've gotten some great feedback so far....and I have to agree, you did pretty well considering it was your 2nd session. I have been seeing my T weekly (well, 2x/week if you count group) for almost 2 years, and I STILL have those kinds of sessions - many, many, many of them....UGH. T told me that he's hopeful that someday I will get sick of this (holding back, stuffing my feelings) and try do something different before it affects my health any more than it already has - because what I've been doing isn't working for me....Ugh.

I agree with the others. It takes time to develop trust. Trusting someone after your first meeting isn't any more healthy than not trusting anyone ever. Trust is a balance. It is sharing little bits of information and making sure that is okay before trusting with more information. Your T will know this. She will not be upset with what you were willing/able to share. I remember in another post about this session you said that she was able to give you some good advice about how to deal with things at work. Talking about work was not a bad thing. It was talking about something you were able to connect to. You got good work done about that. Not every session has to be about trauma or the really hard stuff. Especially at the beginning.

I've said this before on one of these forums. But in case you haven't read that....I hated my T for weeks when I first started seeing him. Thought he was a complete moron, incompetent, and should be flipping burgers, not doing therapy.
Fastforward to present day, seven months later. Had a major breakthrough today, making good progress, surviving depression, trust totally the same T. Give it some time. Your defenses are up and that's understandable.

Thank you all.. I KNOW it's normal not to trust at the second session but I guess like WePow said, it is like I was hoping she was going to be medicine for me just like my last T was, right away, but it doesn't work like that. I was hoping I wouldn't have to start all over again.

This is really hard.

WePow you just hit the nail on the head because I SO feel that I am missing that emotional IV. It's just like that. I'm so sorry your T changing offices made you feel that way it sucks.

ECHOES I think you are right that I am pulling away after telling her so much last time. I feel just awkward and weird about her knowing so much about me - it was a shock after the last session, and I am still feeling the waves from the internal blow. I had never shared so much so quickly with a T before.

I'm just hoping we will be ABLE to build a relationship. What if I can't do it? Or what if it takes too long? I am moving away August of next year, so I already know I am going to lose her very soon.. I don't want to waste my time if this is never going to happen..

jexa, based on your last experience, you can There were 2 in that relationship and both contributed and benefitted.

That would be hard too, knowing you are moving at the end of next summer. I think if I was in that situation, I would be more protective of myself and have more of a struggle with trust.

I feel for you so much

((((Jexa))))

Well, you are doing the right thing by just opening up and giving this change a chance. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out. That is the reality of change - not all change is good (contrary to what some people try to tell me at times).

But there are times when change brings something much better. It comes as a surprise! For example, I know you know all the change in my life right now - not just T, but at work they have TONS of change, and stuff in my family with my brother and his kids, and last weekend my hairdresser walked off the job the day before my apt! So the salon asked me if I wanted to try this other lady. I didn't know her at all, and I was already triggered by all the other changes, so I was not happy about it at all. ugggg. But I said "Ok" and I told her to just do whatever she wanted to do. I surrendered to the change and came out looking different. I wasn't sure what to think of it - but I really didn't care because of the rest of the stuff in my life. She could have given me a bowl cut and I wouldn't have cared because I was just that wounded from all the change.

Well, this week at work I have had more compliments on my hair than I ever got in my entire life!!! My S/O also got her hair cut by the same lady and it is the best cut she ever had!

Bottom line is just that there are times when change ends up working out for the best. That doesn't make it any easier. But we don't know how it will turn out if we lock ourselves down inside. The only way we find out is by saying "Ok. Do what you want." Then sit back and see how it turns out. If we don't like what we start to see after a bit of time, we have the freedom to make another change.

BIG BIG hugs to you!!