:'( rupture

she totally went off... said the whole med thing is HER fault because she made the PNP take me when she didn't want to, but T twisted her arm. "SO put your anger on ME! You put it on everyone but ME!!! Come in here and RAGE EVERY DAY AT ME if you want, but I'll not spend another minute about the PNP!!!" freaked me the hell out. :'( cried and cried and cried
@_@ all through session, all afternoon and far into the night.

the session ended with me crying like i did monday night (from group where i was mad at the PNP and not being allowed to talk about it), her saying we had to stop and "if i were a better person i'd stay with you until you felt better but there are people waiting for me - like you waited for me"
ok wtf; where are all these assumptions coming from??
she said i could come back at 8pm if i wanted. all i wanted to do was run far far away from her. I'm confused. hurt. freaked out. mad that she went off on this tirade, scared. i wrote her a long email. she called me last night... I can't remember all that she said, but the one line I will always remember is "what is is you want from me?"
OMG!!!! I want you to be normal! the normal T i thought i knew!!!!! :'(
told her i was cancelling being at a saturday workshop she is co-leading, but she wants me to come anyway to "connect with others" and said something about my having a better image of her. ???? why is this about her??? I'm so confused.
it was awful. i felt sickened sorta by the whole thing.
i'm "trying to take nothing personally" but this one is hard. hate it when the rug under our feet gets yanked out. she'd said i could go to another clinic. I thought what she was saying was that she wanted me to leave... she said i was hearing thru my own lens.
wtf
It's my own lens to be panicked and hurt when she is emotionally freaking out on me about her guilt and blame and how everything's her fault and saying in a raised voice, "I'M THE ONE THAT HURT YOU, i caused the PNP to get the grievance that she now has against her forever. I feel like I should put a poster over my desk saying IT WAS ME!"
i mean holy s***

@_@ who IS this person???? i wanted to yell stop being a maryter!!!!
* sigh * keep your emotional bags packed, kiyam and ready to move on....

Yikes! What a twisted way of saying it is HER fault, but blaming you at the same time.

I am so sorry you are hurting ((((Kiya))) I hope you will 'go anyway' because as hard as it sounds, it is often harder to not go, and the opportunity to repair, learn, grow, and feel better is missed when we choose to not go.

(((((((Kiya)))))) wow. I am so sorry that this is so painful for you!
It sounds like T made one mistake that is now a much larger mess! ICK!
And there you are all wrapped up in the middle of it!!! No fair for you at all !!!!!

Why don't you go Sat so you can look at T and maybe T will spend time afterwards with just you to get this mess fixed she made? You are the one who deserves that time for your own healing. Even if it takes her all Sat evening to try to work through it, that was not your fault she acted out that way. But you are suffering right now. I am sorry.

(((((((((((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry.

oh WOW, kiya

That reminds me of a time when my T said something so wildly OUT THERE and hurtful that I came home in tears and told my H, who has no understanding of therapy at ALL, and even H knew enough to be shocked and ask "did T hit his head or something?!". That's how I'm feeling about your T...did she hit her head or something?!?!?!

I wish I had something to tell you besides...don't run away. The only way I've made it through ruptures with my T is by talking and talking and talking. You have such a long and good relationship with her...it's worth it to go back.

Look at Benedict and know that this is still the same T. The same T having a horrible day, or with a head injury, or.....????

((((( KIYA )))))

I'm so sorry this happened!!! I hope you find the strength to work through this with T, leaving it like this is not helpful at all...

((((((((((Kiya))))))))))

I'm so sorry this happened. I can totally understand why it was scary. Please take care of yourself.

(((((((((kiya)))))))))

so sorry to hear your T is so wiggy. i know you have had such a great relationship with her for so long until more recently. i hope you two can get back to a more stable place. if for some reason that doesn't happen then you do have a lot of good healing memories with her. don't let that part get lost, okay?

hi kiya,

it sounds like this is all about her "wanting you to have a good image of her," even the stuff about taking the responsibility for the mix-up with the pnp and stuff. (what's a pnp, btw?)

maybe if you can get back on the same page with her, make it clear to her that you see "all sides" of her - the good, the bad, the whatever - then you both can move on. i'd also encourage you to go to the thing on sat, but that's just what i would do (and echoes and wepow, it seems ).

Oh Kiya! I would cry too. I am very sorry that your t let things escalate to that point. It is very interesting to me that she had to throw in there "she (PNP) didn't want to take you as a client but I made her." Was that to make you feel bad or to make you feel like a bad person since PNP didn't want to see you? Could you explain a little more about this? Did you know this was the situation to begin with? I hope you and your t can find some resolution about this.

Ohhh hun it sounds so confusing and panicked and hurting for you. And telling you to rage at her is terrifying enough without having all those other yuck feelings tied in to it.

Be gentle with self hun. You have plans to stay safe, work through them and practice self care for now. Things will work out with t. It's just horrible when it takes time to get back to the okay place. Sitting with you

Kacey2, yeah - sorry - I knew from day one that the PNP didn't want to work with me because I was too "complicated" and that the PNP worked less than part time. So that was already a known factor. That happened nearly a year ago, but i had enough 3 month refills that i have gotten thru all this time. but there has been no resolution in at least 10 months. I just finally couldn't deal anymore and finally said so.

Seventy Eight, thanks - I did in fact go to the workshop today. PNP is a psych nurse practitioner. T began the process and then didn't engage any further (really odd in and of itself). She had 4 other therapists there working with small groups... odd... but i did go, despite myself (good over right, is my motto, and I also wanted to be "good") and did well. It is strange that this is all about T's image. :/

Thanks Tree... yeah i wonder if she did hit her head. But this is how she is when she gets back from some exotic place overseas (her current REAL passion is working with 3rd world countries and setting up proper clinics). So maybe we will lose her afterall to some place on the other side of the world.

Alas, we seem to be at an acknowledged, shared (how do i say) cautious regard of each other. Eying each other warily, circling each other, keeping our distance, but with respect. This is totally new. I knew I was withdrawn, but in my power, if that makes sense... like testing the waters of the world's safety again while being more on guard. She spoke to me fairly normally in the morning, as i was the first one on time and only one there for probably 5-10 minutes. I didn't go out of my way to help like i usually do, kept to myself. Perhaps she understands more clearly after a few days just how much she undermined my sense of safety with that tirade of hers. Such a shock. But i came to the thing, i participated, if cautious, and I guess we'll see where we stand next week (as I see her for groups mon and tues and then individual wed... assuming the weather doesn't snow like it says it will).
Thanks...
Kiya

Echoes, Wepow, SAWE, Tree, MUE, Googley, Bloom3, Seventy Eight, Kacey2, Dinos,

THANK YOU ALL for your supportive comments, ideas, and feedback! Helps so much. I know not all like hugs, but for those that do (((BIG HUGS))).
It is still pretty confusing, and I did several responses here... I think i have kind of walled myself up from it atm because it was such a HUGE blow and I don't think i could continue with the gaping wound it opened. I've leadned dissociation for a reason, and now i get to employ it by choice. For now. I've stepped into simply observing role...
thanks all,
Kiya

(((((((((Kiya))))))))))) I was thinking of you today and hoping that you would be able to find some peace in some way. You are very brave to go back into the water after all that. You have my respect.

ugh...Kiya...I don't know the situation, and I don't really need to. I am so so very sorry you were hurt this way. I always want to pummel the hurters....can I kick some virtual a $ $ for you?

thanks... well i have group tonight with T and Group T... kinda dreading it. Kinda already in an attitude of "well I don't care anyway", aloofness. Course, It might snow before group so it may be cancelled for all I know anyway. Then class tomorrow (snow forecasted), and indiv. on wed... we shall see.

Hope group was good tonight for you!

sometimes T's do that really annoying thing and act like a human and make a mistake instead of beign the T's we know - when that happens it is so unnerving - they are our rock - our safe zone and suddenly they are acting out of the character that maybe we have assigned to them.

I know this was very distressing for you - but maybe it was one moment when she dropped her T face cos she was so frustrated that she wasnt helping you ? and yes it was all about her for a while - and i bet she is regretting that .

somtimes our T's say stuff that wounds us so deep we think we wil never get past it - somtimes we dont - somtimes it makes our relationship stronger - i hope this makes yours stronger in the long run once safety is regained and trust is won again

big hugs my friend - hope your sessions go well



P7

((((((((((kiya))))))))))))

Thinking about you.

Hey all - Mon group did go ok. I was in "I'm fine" mode.
Tuesday group was really hard. I felt T was secluded from me. She had the other facilitator work with me and wasn't watching when it was getting really difficult for me... when I had a swap out, she wasn't there (connected) and never even hinted that she noticed. that hurt.
Today... I was back in "i'm fine" mode and said i just wanted to keep things light today. We both acted like nothing happened last week.
As for me, trust with her is shakey at best and I am walling that away for now. Trust has to rebuild for me again before I try anything too deep...
(((((((((all))))))))))