bad place

WePow · Dec 12, 2010, 08:58 PM

Sorry I have not been giving much support the past week.
Today was very hard for me and I was lower than I have been in a very long time. My chest has been hurting all day with anxiety attacks.
I went off on an innocent person I work with and had to appologize -- but now if he tells on me, I get fired. He was trying to tell me stuff based on his religion to help me out. It makes me think if he tells that it will be the final staw in how I feel about that type of thing.

I wrote my T several emails. It is his only day off after a very hard work doing his intenesive stuff. He did take time to send me a link but no word. It was the link the the tenth step of the 12 step process.
I have not been through the other steps though. But the last time we had session, my anger alter had some issues about all of that.

Ended up having a dream about T last night but I was trying to see him with him surrounded by people having dinner and laughing and I only had 10 min to talk to him. I was yelling at people to shut up so I could talk with him but then time was up. So then I decided that Mr. Maddoff had a brilliant way of exiting and I was looking for the same thing he used! UGGGGG!!!! It is sticking in my head now all day and with me being major depressed and T not being able to really be there today (he is always there the rest of the time and I am mad at myself for needing him when I know he is needing to rest)...

And to top it all off we have too much snow and that is a massive trigger for me because I had my breakdown when it snowed me in and I couldnt make it to work and I had to work out of the house. And my boss this week is making us work from home Thursday anyway for stupid renovation work in the room where I work!!!! And my S/O called me a coward because of the stupid holiday party and missing and stuff around that!
And now I doubt I can get to see T Monday for the session I am supposed to go to - I haven't seen him since last Monday as it is.

I just have had enough all at once. I have no idea why I think T can help me at all at this point.
If you read all this, thanks for just listening. I am trying all my coping things I can do without doing the bad choices.

geez · 09:39 PM

Breathe and (((((((((( WePow )))))))))).

googley · Dec 12, 2010, 09:35 PM

((((((((WePow)))))))))

I don't understand about your s/o. I thought she didn't want to go to the party because she blamed them for your meltdown. I don't understand why she was calling you a coward for not going. That makes not sense to me. GRRR on her.

I'm really sorry the snow is triggering to you. Can you not see t tomorrow because of the snow? If this is the case could you have a phone session? Would that help?

I'm sorry about your dream. That sounds like it would be really triggering.

can you let your angry alter write what it is most upset about and how he is feeling about what your T has been doing recently? Would that help?

What are some things that you like to do that make you feel safe? I think you should spend some time doing those things. Especially since you can't get away from the weather as you would be able to get away from other triggers.

Take care of yourself and be gentle.

Dec 12, 2010, 09:46 PM

((((((((WePow)))))))))))

It's okay to need T, even when he needs rest. You can't change what you need.

Last weekend, my T had big stuff going on in his life, and he needed to do that, and to rest, and I needed him. I did e-mail him and he didn't e-mail back. We talked about it on Monday...he ALWAYS replies when I ask him to, so it felt yucky. T said "this is one of those times when the relationship just isn't fair - not to me (T), but to you". And I was like "STOP TALKING! You're going to say something that upsets me" and he did stop, but I know we both got it. And he said it's and/both, and it is. I DID need him, and it was okay to need him, and to even ask for something. AND he had this stuff going on, and it had to take priority, and he couldn't give me what I needed. I wasn't bad for needing, and he wasn't bad for not being able to give it right then. Did it suck? Yes. But there doesn't have to be shame, self-blame, etc. around it.

Reaching out here is good. When I need T and I can't have him, I'm so grateful for PC. I hope you can feel a little bit heard and cared for here, even though it's not exactly the same.

Hugs and hugs, wepow

mixedup_emotions · Dec 12, 2010, 11:55 PM

(((( WePow ))))

So hard when so many things are going on and you feel like everything is coming at you in all directions....It's also hard to need someone and not have them be there for you when you need them. It's gut-wrenching, and causes all sorts of feelings of guilt, neediness, etc.

Please know that you are ok....just as you are...right here, right now....And that this will pass. I remember a wise PC friend once talked about the ocean, the waves crashing, and it all made sense....

Keep breathing....(( hugs ))

SenatorPenguin8081 · Dec 13, 2010, 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

(((( WePow ))))

So hard when so many things are going on and you feel like everything is coming at you in all directions....It's also hard to need someone and not have them be there for you when you need them. It's gut-wrenching, and causes all sorts of feelings of guilt, neediness, etc.

Please know that you are ok....just as you are...right here, right now....And that this will pass. I remember a wise PC friend once talked about the ocean, the waves crashing, and it all made sense....

Keep breathing....(( hugs ))

Excellent metaphor with the waves crashing in; but the waves will pass. They are just waves. If we swim through them we don't drown. And the wave passes momentarily...

rainbow8 · Dec 13, 2010, 01:00 AM

(((((WePow)))))

I'm sorry you have so much yukky stuff going on now. Any one of those situations would make me want to scream, and all at once....

Why would YOU get in trouble if someone at work is telling you stuff you don't want to hear about?

I'm sorry about the snow; I had to go somewhere tonight and I was scared but it wasn't as bad as the forecasters said. I know some states have a lot of snow right now, and I know how it complicates life, especially if it's triggering you for another reason too. Here's hoping the weather will be better for you tomorrow and you get to see T! Can you do a phone session if not?

The dream just shows how frustrated you are, don't you think? It's okay to need T even when he's busy. It's not like you can control when you feel pulled on in all directions and feel depressed.

When lots of stuff is getting to me all at once I also have trouble. I don't know if it's a good coping method, but I usually let myself be angry and frustrated, distract myself, and wait for the next day when solutions may become clearer, or probems will work themselves out, or I wake up feeling a little better.

I wish you a happier day tomorrow!!!

Melbadaze · Dec 13, 2010, 01:03 AM

sounds like all your stuff is coming from a young part...and why would another adult call you a coward? Either they have their own issues...personally my adult self has no interest in being in others company that resort to playground name calling..you have an option...just respond to people and not?let heir silliness effect you...its a minor stiff in comparison to what survivors have been through....if it snows and I feel unsafe going out in it..then thats my choice...and if someone questions that i'd look them in the eyes and say perhaps this is about what your unable to do rather than me?

Oceanwave · Dec 13, 2010, 06:46 AM

(((((WePow))))))

Please try to reach out to T today. He is back to work now and I hope you can see him. I hope you are in a better place right now. How annoying that people are not there when you need them! I know it's hard to hold on, but I think you can do it and survive this!

Sending you love and hugs

WePow · Dec 13, 2010, 06:56 AM

((((((((((All)))))))))) I am going to stay home and work since there is too much ice on our side road. My S/O is trying to stop smoking and that is turning her into a monster! My mom stopping smoking was a bad thing when I was a kid too.
And working from home was what I was doing when I had my breakdown :-(
I am ready to change my whole life at this point and say heck with all of this nonsense!

Sannah · Dec 13, 2010, 07:10 AM

Too many triggers!

rainbow8 · Dec 13, 2010, 10:41 AM

WePow--

I hope you can talk to T today.

WePow · Dec 13, 2010, 11:01 AM

T is not going to make it in either. But he did have Wed open...
so I can wait until then. It will be good for me to fix my own stuff before then maybe anyway.

granite1 · Dec 13, 2010, 11:14 AM

Oceanwave · Dec 14, 2010, 05:40 AM

((((WePow)))))

How are you? I'm glad you get to see your T on Wednesday - although shame it can't be earlier. What are you doing to try to get out of that "bad place"? Let us know how things are going.

WePow · Dec 14, 2010, 07:13 AM

They are now predicting ice for Wed - which would mean yet another missed apt.
So I am just trying to make myself positive. I had a dream last night where I was playing the song "Don't worry, be happy" ... so just trying to pull myself up on my own. Also trying to think in advance on what I really need from T anyway and how I can give that to myself and cut him out of the picture.