Is it possible to befriend a therapist once the therapy is over?

If your therapist and you like each other is it possible to be friends after the therapy is over or is that considered an ethical violation?

Most have a time limit. Some ethics say 2 years. Some say you can never befriend the therapist/client.

The therapist/client relationship is unique, with different sets of boundaries and rules. To transition to a friend relationship would be difficult because the therapist has been the one responsible for keeping the relationship in check. They are non-judging, always open to listening, being there with you through it for that 1 hour a week.

A friend relationship is on an even ground. Give and take. It would be incredibly difficult to make the shift from being the therapist and/or the client, to a friend. You would have to listen to the therapist's down falls, their struggles. It wouldn't be just about you any longer. The whole reason therapist's limit self disclosure, is to allow the client to have a safe, undisruptive journey without negative response from the therapist.

I allow myself to really sit and think through what it would be like to take a client in as a friend. I wondered, what would it hurt, really? Well, as a friend, I can be incredibly insensitive when I'm tired. I can feel worn out, angry, irritable. There are times I don't want to sit and process something. There are times, I flat don't care about some things when I'm out of therapist mode.

If you were to shift, now it's not only your FRIEND that said something hurtful. But your "past" therapist. The person who has taught you all these skills, ways to have healthy coping, communication, knows your past inside and out, and yet they still hurt you. That's what makes it so complicated. That other relationship will always, always be there. That this person was your therapist. And as a therapist you're "supposed to" model all of these things. As a friend, not so much.

Even though I like my T a lot, I would not feel comfortable as her friend. I have been too vulnerable in front of her. I would feel awkward. It would always remain unequal.
Try to imagine you meet your T at street, now or later, and T invites you for a drink or coffee - I would be so happy that first moment, but you know, once you sit down, what would you say? Not in that safe office, not only talking about your problems, but having a 'real life' conversation. I really cannot even think about it without getting nervous.

Different professional associations have different guidelines. Some say wait 2 years with no contact during that period. Some say other things. You can look up the different guidelines online at the association websites if you want to see the range. I think it's a good question for your therapist. Your therapist can explain his/her policy and the rationale behind it. Would you like to be friends with your therapist after your therapy is over?

In my view your reasoning is perfect, but in my case my relationship with my therapist is on such equal grounds (at least that's the way I perceive it) that I don't think I would be surprised if I were to "discover" that my therapist is a human being with his own unique set of challenges and problems. I have never shared with my therapist any information that I wouldn't have shared with a good friend or anything damning or that, in my opinion, would create a "power" imbalance that would render any future friendship impossible. I have a very nice relationship with my therapist and I openly call him when I disagree with his arguments. My therapist does the same thing when I make careless arguments and there are never any hard feelings or anything that makes the advice I receive from my therapist seem authoritarian or one-sided. We almost always try to reach a friendly agreement and sometimes simply agree to disagree. My only concern is that I am just another job to my therapist and that he doesn't care about me as much as I'd like to think he does. I think I would feel very hurt if, once the therapy is over, I offer my friendship to my therapist but he refuses to accept it, be it because he is not interested in my friendship, because he thinks he would be unable to transition from being a therapist to being a friend, or because of ethical rules.

When you say different "associations", can you please tell me what are some of the associations that you have in mind? The only psychological association that I'm familiar with is the APA. Is that what you were thinking of or is it something that varies from state to state and agency to agency?

My T has said that he would like to be friends with me after my therapy is over...and that we can work on projects together. It really helps me to look forward to something like that, instead of fretting about never seeing him again. Then again, I imagine that the transition into a friendship may be difficult...but hopefully, by then, I will be in a much better emotional and mental place.

Can I ask why you are in therapy? Because the statement above seems like you want a friendship rather than therapy.

The whole nature of the therapeutic relationship is that it is a "power imbalance" because it is one sided. The T is not there to have their needs met.

I had a relationship outside of therapy with my old T. It was disasterous and created more problems than you can imagine.

Now that I have a T with strict boundaries, I would never image being friends with her after I ended T. I don't want to be her friend. I want her to be my therapist.

What I suggest is talk to your T about everything. Including the stuff you would never tell your friends. Use the relationship to heal what ails you.

Really? Why not? That's practically what therapy is about.

(For example, have you shared with your therapist your fear that he doesn't like you as much as you want him to?) (Or your wish to have a relationship with him outside of therapy?)

-Far

I don't think it is a good idea for therapists to become friends with clients after therapy at all. I have ongoing email contact with my ex therapist, but it is definitely not the relationship of 'friends'. She maintains her professional role in her communications with me, and I honestly wouldn't want that to change. Changing the dynamic of our relationship would be harmful, I think.

She is not my 'friend'. She doesn't share about the intracacies of her life with me and I don't ask her to. What she is to me now is a human being who knows more about me than anybody else in the world, who holds me in unconditional positive regard, and who is caring and generous enough to offer me continued support and interest and love. (To be clear I will add that her 'love' is not offered in any form other than the support she continues to give me willingly and without financial reward).

But we are not friends, and we will never be 'friends'. She is my ex-t and our current relationship strongly reflects those roles.

Lack of motivation. Stress. Mild depression. Etc.

I want friendship with my therapist because I like my therapist. I am not looking for friendship with the first person willing to give it to me.

That's true but I've never felt as though my therapist exercises power over me. He has some influence over me but then again, so do my friends, coworkers and family.

If you don't mind sharing your story, I'd love to know more about it.

Maybe you just don't like your current therapist as much as you liked your previous therapist. I don't like my therapist just because he is my therapist. I like him because of the way he is.

I talk to my therapist about almost everything, except of course my feelings toward him because I don't know how he is going to respond.

I have alluded to that fear but I have not directly confronted him about it. I am afraid that our relationship will go downhill if he feels like I am expecting him to be something to me outside of therapy. I also fear that I will feel hurt if I don't like his answer. After all, he is just my therapist and I his client and just because it feels like he is already my friend, it doesn't mean he is.

It is not about him exercising power over you. The point is that he _has_ power over you because he has/will have intimate knowledge about you while you know very little about him. As a therapist, he is bound to use that knowledge to help you... A friendship that is as one sided as the therapeutic relationship is, can be quite dangerous in real life because you would be putting yourself in a very vulnerable position without having an ability to protect yourself.

As I said before, I have never revealed anything damning to my therapist. Not because I don't trust him, but because such information does not exist.

I don't know how long you've been in therapy and what sort of things you discuss with your therapist. However, everyone has something that makes them feel vulnerable or something they struggle with and all the reasons behind that (it does not have to be "damning") and if your therapist is any good he probably is already aware of at least some of these things. If nothing of the sort has ever come up, maybe what you've been doing is not exactly therapy. Do you find that therapy has helped you with the issues you went into therapy in the first place?

w, it sounds like you are struggling with this but there is also a power imbalance in several other senses: they know all about you and you do not know much of anything about them, they are "the expert" so to speak to help you with your problems that you do pay money to see, they are also a sort of authority figure where things get played out in your life reflective of your childhood. none of this means your T cannot care about you greatly within the context of the therapeutic relationship. while having a friendship with a T after therapy is possible it is not likely a good idea for you. there is a book, in session, by deborah lott, that talks about women's relationships with their Ts you might find interesting. it talks about transference and erotic transference and there are many client/T stories. unfortunately, they don't talk about men's relationships with their Ts so ymmv depending on your gender.

it sounds like this relationship with your T is bringing up some loneliness or longing for more intimate relationships. have you discussed this with T yet? your T can help you to go about finding more friends and intimates and what may be stopping you from seeking that out or finding what you are looking for.

Actually this is the best therapist I've ever had. I like her alot. My needs require strict boundaries to heal from trauma related issues. When I don't have those boundaries I do not feel safe. I've learned the hard way. My personal experience has taught me that I need a therapist and not a friend. I too wanted to be friends with my old T. But it was a distraction from therapy and I didn't get anything done.

I think it is good that you are exploring these issues.

I'm not a mental health professional, but I don't think they would mind if you sent them a short note to tell them how you were doing...if enough time had gone by...what do you think, stormyangels? I did it with en ex-T in the past, I do not contact her anymore however. I doubt my current T would want to be my friend anyway. There's an age difference and I'm sure she has enough friends of her own, LOL.

Being real friends with your ex-therapist could possibly be very damaging to you. What if you really didn't like them in real life? That would be incredibly hurtful to me. Probably best to leave things the way they are, no matter how different you want them to be. Just my $.02

Yes, I was thinking of national professional organizations like the APA. The APA is for psychologists. There are other similar professional orgs for therapists and counselors. If you do some sleuthing, you can find them. I can't remember their names or else I'd list them. The only one I can recall was for Family and Marriage Therapists--the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. I think I checked the guidelines of about 6-7 different organizations, including the APA. It was interesting how much they varied. A starting point might be the profession of your T. At the state level, my state provides guidance for lower level professionals (sub-therapist) and the guidance is that no subsequent relationship is allowed. At higher levels, such as therapist, there is no strict guidance like that, so I assume they let the professional go by the ethical guidelines of their profession, such as APA, AAMFT, etc. Perhaps other states might offer more guidance.

I'm sure it's possible if that's what both of you want to have happen - even if you have to have no contact for two years.

The imbalance that most people feel in therapy - when we tell about shameful or painful experiences in our past, when we admit our secrets, melt into a helpless puddle of tears - makes a future relationship too uncomfortable.

I'd also be uncomfortable explaining the connection that made us friends. So, I can say "We met at church/work/the pool/through our kids". I could not say "Oh, he/she used to be my therapist".

Plus, I'd like to be able to go back to my therapist for therapy, and not worry about how it impacts our personal life that I'm paying her to listen to me and help me. I prefer to have the therapist stay in her role.

Hope that helps you with your question!

BC this is very wise. How would it be to spend years (even many years) working with one particular T who fits you and helps you
and then after the main work is over, you become friends to some degree
and if anything else ever comes up, your T is not there any more. Your friend can only help you as much as other friends can; the impersonal wise guide has gone away & you face starting over with a stranger

IMO, no. You see there is always a power/knowledge imbalance. Even if you were to become friends with your T, your T will always more insight into you than you into her. Friends are usually on equal footing. One friend may have more insight about one thing, but the other friend usually has more insight about another thing. It works out. Your T has seen you at your worst.... you have never seen your T that way.

However, I do believe there are other relationships that are possible that are more, well, along the lines of the power/kmowledge difference, like parent/child type relationships that work out.

This is the place where I've arrived too. Even though from the first session I had the feeling (which I have rarely had) that she was someone who could have been a good friend, she's been a better T than perhaps she could have been/would be a friend.....and that's the role I would want to have her my life in the future, should the need be there. And that was how she put it as well - that she would be there for future needs, if something arose again. I think her phrase was, put that in your long-term memory! And that is a comfortable thing for me - really helped me accept and resolve, I think, both the feeling I'd want her for a friend and the feeling of loss that I wouldn't have her as a friend or that I'd 'lose' her when this time is done. The attachment that is there has become a more secure thing.

Just wanted to share that as comforting as the idea of your T as a friend may seem, the reality is quite different. My partner had a T that became her friend, we spent some social gtherings with her and another couple who had seen her for Couples. T. It got quite awkward quite quickly...I Wouldn't ever encouarge anyone to go through that. Much of the awkwardness had to do with information she had, or that once the 'friend'boundary had been crossed, it was tough fot my partner to go back for help. The bpaundaries are there for good reasons.