[mixedup_emotions]

I saw T yesterday, and it was basically to give him a rundown of what was going on....I was in "shut down" mode because I have been having so many conflicting feelings - spent so much time panicking and crying - over the couple days prior...and since I hadn't slept, I was a bit numb and exhausted. Well, now that I've slept some, the thoughts and feelings have returned and I'm all over the place.

I sent T two more emails...and then called him to leave him a message. I hate feeling so needy.

I asked if he could see me tomorrow, but if not, if he would at least consider providing me with a letter to use in court on Tuesday to help me substantiate my position of it being reasonable for them to do a psych eval on my ex.

I also have 3 other people who are going to provide me with letters sharing their personal experiences with my ex and their feelings towards him, that will help the court see that it is not only me and that I'm not being vindictive, etc.

I don't feel like I am on solid ground at the moment. My feelings go from knowing that I'm doing what I need to do - to feeling sad and sorry for my ex.

Are any of you familiar with the Stockholm Syndrome? If so, that's basically the feelings that I'm going through.....ACK.

I am so afraid of making a mis-step in all this that could put me and my daughter in more danger....I wish I felt stronger right now.

I know I need a break from this. So, I am meeting with my illustrator today to do some brainstorming for more illustrations for the book I was working on and took a hiatus from. I also have a board meeting later tonight for cheerleading. That'll be good.

Tomorrow I will focus on getting all the documentation done and mentally/emotionally preparing myself for Tuesday. I really hope T is able to see me again tomorrow, so I can be sure that I get to where I need to be for Tuesday.

Thank you all so so so much for your support. It means the world to me to have PC here, helping me through this really difficult time. You are all amazing, and I care for each of you. I'm sorry I have been so self-focused lately, but I know you all understand that there are times when we can be there for others - and other times when we need others to be there for us and can't extend ourselves any more than that. This is the only place that I know of where I know I don't have to feel guilty about being where I am right now.



Edited to add: You know, one thing that is kinda sad at the moment is that the one thing I haven't done is reached out to my T group for any support through all this. I could be posting it on the blog, but I am feeling so distant from them and am not sure I would get any feedback at all which would be too hurtful right now. I've been with this group every week for over 2 years, yet I am not willing to reach out to them for support. I find that sad. I wonder if I will even bring up any of this when I go to group T on Tuesday night, after having been at court earlier in the day. It would be a prime time, and I'm sure my T will want to know what happened and how I'm feeling. I don't know. We'll see. Still, kinda sad that I would feel that way after 2 years.

[ECHOES]

(((mue)))
You can feel sad and sorry for your ex without having to act on those thoughts and feelings. You can continue on the course you are on and have those feelings. It doesn't change that you are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughter.

He isn't able to make the decisions that need to be made. Let the court step in and do that for him. It looks to me like it is his only chance at a life that is worthwhile.

I'm glad you have the illustrating to focus on so you don't have to constantly think about this, so you can keep the doubts away. I would say that difficult decisions always involve doubt, so that's to be expected and again you don't have to act on the doubt; it just is.

Maybe you don't trust that your group could be objective or understanding, and that is okay. I think if you were comfortable going to your group for support, you would.

I hope your T can see you tomorrow. Maybe he would to with you on Tuesday?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I don't feel like I am on solid ground at the moment. My feelings go from knowing that I'm doing what I need to do - to feeling sad and sorry for my ex.

Can you not do the two things at the same time? Doing what you need to do, while feeling sad and sorry for him? Maybe doing what you need for your own and your child's safety is also doing what is best for him? It might protect him from doing something foolish and getting him in more trouble. Maybe there is a way to brainstorm that with others -- find ways of doing both?

[Perna]

I'm glad you are working so hard and getting things done despite how uncomfortable and conflicted you feel. Our feelings just let us know what is going on and right now things are "messy" for you. When I don't like my feelings, I ask myself how else I would like to feel under these exact same circumstances (smiling and enjoying myself at a funeral?) and then realize that I'm "on target", feeling what is "appropriate" for the surrounding situation.

[SpiritRunner]

I'm glad that you are asking your T for help.....right now you have every reason and right to be needy and to ask for help!
And emotions are messy, complicated things......not quite as cut and dried as would be more comfortable for us sometimes! Like Echoes said, it's ok to feel sad/sorry for him without having to act on those feelings. It's ok to feel sad/sorry for him and still steel yourself to do these things that must be done to take care of the situation and allow him to face well-earned consequences! You're human, it's ok to have conflicting feelings....
But you sound like you are doing all that needs to be done, seeking support where you feel moved to do so, taking care of yourself. I'm glad you have the illustrating to serve as something else to focus on; that will be good for you to have something else to do, to distract your mind a while.

I think it's actually wise to not talk about it on the blog because it sounds like a legal matter?

I am so sorry that you're going through this.

[Sannah]

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks everyone.....I am doing 'as well as can be expected' at the moment. I am glad that I took most of the day to do other things, although the meeting with the illustrator was largely about my relationship with my ex, as he will be working on two illustrations for me that are related to it. But it was ok. I was feeling emotionally detached at that point. I needed to detach from my emotions today. It's too overwhelming otherwise.

Tomorrow, I will focus on getting all the letters together, going to the police station to pick up documentation. Thinking about it causing me to feel anxious and on the verge of tears - and going through the "how can I hurt that little boy"....so I'm going to stop. I've decided to take the night off from thinking about it all. Yep, I'm making that decision for ME.

[sugahorse1]

Well done on asking your T for help - they really do care and know how to help us.
I hope the stressors in your life are wrapped up quickly, and you can take the time out to recharge and relax

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thinking about it causing me to feel anxious and on the verge of tears - and going through the "how can I hurt that little boy"....so I'm going to stop. I've decided to take the night off from thinking about it all. Yep, I'm making that decision for ME.

[SpiritRunner]

thinking of you today; may you have the strength and grace you need for the day and all that has to be done....

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for the support....

This is the calm before the storm....yet I'm not feeling very calm right now. I am upset. About a number of things....

T said he would draw up a letter for me. But he said that since it was not billable through insurance, I would need to pay outside of insurance and that he anticipated it taking about an hour.

Although I understand, I guess I just wasn't expecting - while I was going through this awful, awful time - to have such a business-like response from T - kwim? I didn't get the email until a few hours later, and I told him it was fine and to let me know what the fee is and when to pick up the letter.

He responded saying that since he didn't get my consent, he didn't work on it last night - and that he would try to get it done today but wasn't sure he could.

I then said that I NEED the letter - because I need the letters to help carry the weight that I don't feel strong enough to carry alone. Here I was, expressing a need. Very rarely do I ask for what I need. And here I was, asking for it.

He then responded that because he treated my ex as a client in the past as our marriage counselor, he's pretty sure that it would be a breach in confidentiality - but that he would do some more research when he could....

I responded telling him to forget it then.

I feel so let down. By the business aspect of it all....the lack of empathy that T had through the exchange...I don't know. I guess I just wasn't feeling his support or caring, when I really needed it....

And, my one neighbor who my ex tried to get to sleep with him while we were married, etc. is in the midst of writing her letter...and I haven't heard from her yet. I go to court first thing in the morning, having to leave the house by 7:30 AM. It's 10:15 PM now. UGH.

And my mind is spinning. I am so busy trying to push the emotions that I have - the sadness and longing to want to save my ex from all this - that I can't concentrate on what I need to do at court tomorrow. ACK....

I do know one thing. I need a good night's sleep. I'm freaking out at the idea that I might not wake up to the alarm...What if I get lost? What if I go to the wrong place and miss it? What if the judge asks me all kinds of questions that I won't know how to answer?

ACCCKKKKK!!!!

I just can't wait for this to be all over with. I'm sure a "good luck" message from T would've made my night....but I didn't get that....and I didn't ask for it....but it feels sad that I'd have to ask for something like that. Makes it seem as though he doesn't really care enough to go that extra mile for me....

[SpiritRunner]

[ECHOES]

(((mue)))

Good luck in court today. You are strong and brave, and a loving and protective parent. I'll be thinking of you. Let us know how it goes, if you care to share that.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thank you....I will definitely post an update as soon as I get home from court this morning. I woke up extra early today - just to be sure I had back-up alarms on. So, that's one worry down.

[sugahorse1]

Thinking of you!

((((((((((((MUE))))))))))))))

Thinking of you today. Sending as much strength as I can.

Try to remember the wise advice from Echoes and Pachy about feeling what you feel (feeling sorry for the little boy) AND doing what you need to do. You can do both.

Lots and lots of hugs to you...

[mixedup_emotions]

Thank you!!!

I am getting really nervous. But I am still on track, thankfully. I just don't know what to expect from my ex today...I really just don't want to see him at all, but I know I will have to. I'm scared.

And tonight, I have group T....and I'm wondering - depend on how things go today - whether or not it would be safe for me (and others) that I attend group tonight, since my ex knows about group every Tuesday, where and what time.

UGH.

I never thought I would be in this place in my life. But today is the day I take that next step towards freedom....even though I'm not sure I will feel so free after this. Probably more scared than I have ever been with him....

I sooooo appreciate the support here.

[granite1]

thinking of you MUE you are strong and will be okjumps in pocket

[mixedup_emotions]

Thank you, granite! Yippee! A pocket rider!! I need all the help I can get!! I will be holding you in my pocket to help me have the strength I need to get through this...

praying everything goes as smoothly as possible for you mue. it sounds like you didn't see your ex over the weekend i.e. he didn't come to the house or you weren't there? if so, i can imagine you are quite nervous to see him but you will be okay. as for going to group trust your gut on that decision. it's not necessary for you to go and take care of everyone else. you have to take care of yourself right now.

[sugahorse1]

I feel very needy today; almost like I could call my T. I don't know what I need though. It's a horrible feeling

[mixedup_emotions]

Back from court....I'm disappointed, but ok.

When I had spoken to my attorney the other day, he said he didn't see a need for me to be represented by an attorney for this. Yet, when I arrived, I learned that my ex had an attorney with him. The court strongly recommended that I have my attorney with me - especially since I'm requesting a psych eval and have these letters. They said that psych evals are not a common request, and his attorney could use some tactics to have the letters dismissed - like saying they aren't notarized, etc. And if the judge dismisses them and my request, then the restraining order could be dropped altogether - and I would have to wait for him to pounce again before going through this process all over again.

I requested a postponement...and the judge granted 2 weeks. Ex's attorney asked to address parenting time. I told the judge that according to the TRO, he has to have my permission for parenting time and that my intent was to request a psych eval before allowing permission for visitation, but that I would agree to supervised visitation.

His attorney accepted that, and the judge agreed to it.

In retrospect, I wish I didn't bring up the whole psych eval piece because now my ex and his attorney have 2 weeks to come up with a game plan - but I needed to judge to know the seriousness of the issue. *sigh* I felt like I was just stuck, ya know? UGH.

Anyway, so I reached out to my attorney and hope he can accompany me to the next hearing. I didn't mention anything about the letters - but the first thing I'm doing is getting them notarized.

Thanks for all your support. I don't think I could've endured this without your help.

[pachyderm]

((((MUE))))

[Perna]

I wish your lawyer had been thoughtful enough to go with you (or that you had known his lawyer would be with him). I'm glad things did not go horribly wrong and you were listened to and agreed with for the extension, etc. He can't change his actions in two weeks and I think your letters from others will be valid no matter what he and his lawyers can say; actions triumph over words.