Argh.

I won't see T this week, because I am out of town, so I am going to post here to get support, wisdom, whatever.

I have had a friend who has been my closest friend for quite a few years. Her boys are the same age as my oldest son, she homeschools too, and we just connected.

Over the years, I guess the friendship became kind of one-sided, with me doing a LOT of stuff for her - helping her clean out her house, driving her around, taking care of her kids. My H kept pointing out the pattern, but I really didn't want to see it...or maybe I thought it was okay, because I wasn't ASKING for anything, really. I don't think.

She is a VERY angry person and can turn on a time. She always used to tell me "I will NEVER get angry at you", and she really was very protective of me. If someone was mean to me, or slighted me in any way, she would get super mad at that person. And since I'm horrible at that, it was kind of nice to feel like someone was looking out for me. She never confronted anyone directly, but hearing her say "they shouldn't have done that" was helpful to me. I guess that's what she did for me.

I know she is angry at me now, but I'm not sure why. And she is VERY black and white, people are all good or all bad, and I know I'm in the all bad camp now. I woke up at 4 this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She hasn't been talking to me, returning my messages, etc....I thought she was busy, but I realized she never would have done this before.

I don't know if she's angry because I'm not as available to do things for her as I used to be, or if it's something else. But I'm pretty sure the friendship is over, and it feels bad I sent her one last message saying that if I did anything to hurt her, it was unintentional, and I hope she will forgive me. But, just knowing her personality, this is probably it.

I think I always knew it was coming. And I think I was replaying a mom thing...like hey, this person is angry at people, but I can do things for her, and she is nice to me, and protects me. And it FAILED. AAAAAAA.

So, I was up for about an hour and a half in the middle of the night. When I fell back asleep, I had a dream. I was outside a church, thinking about going in for the service. All of a sudden people said "make way for the Queen" and someone was pushing the Queen of England in a wheelchair down the aisle. She was just making an appearance. And I thought "oh my gosh, how lucky am I to be here right at this moment?". Everyone had gone in, so after the Queen went by, I was walking around and there was a partially finished Renoir painting, and I realized Renoir was there and had gone into the church. And I thought "OH my gosh, I can't believe this - first the queen, and now Renoir - I am the luckiest person ever".

I woke up feeling better, although I'm not sure what the dream meant. Maybe that I have everything I need already. Maybe that my connection with God is a gift that will get me through. Maybe it was about grace, and the fact that it will be there when I don't expect it.

Anyhow, I'm leaving town in an hour and won't see T and I actually don't know how I feel. Sad, or scared, or resolved, or okay. Or all of those.

A little blah, I think But I prayed and prayed that I wouldn't let it ruin my vacation and that I could stay in the moment and enjoy myself, and that's what I intend to do. I just WILL.

Thanks for listening.

[ladyjrnlist]

ENjoy your vacation. You deserve it. Maybe your friend will come around. If not, then she wasn't a true friend in the end, right? It sounds like you needed someone to protect you. Maybe you don't need that so much anymore? I hope things get better. Hugs.

[elliemay]

Tree,

I'm sorry about your friend. I've noticed people come in and out of my life for various reasons. They come are here for a time - and usually it a very good time, and then they aren't.

Things happen for a variety of reasons, some of which we are privvy to, some of which we can only guess.

I say try to hold onto the good times you had with this friend, but recognize that she has to do what she has to do.

I think your dream is telling you that what you have right now is enough without her.

The unfinished masterpiece (which I interpret to be you), is well tended, with the artist in residence (the church) so to speak.

The infirmed queen of england, well, I don't know about that. Perhaps you are worried about Prince William's upcoming wedding .

Enjoy your vacation.

[cautious hope]

Yes it is a Mom thing and I think Elliemay is right about the Renoir representing you. I think the queen in the wheelchair represents the old useless attitudes are disinagrating.
I have had so many episodes that you described until my T pointed out that i was trying to resolve the fact that I could never get approval from my mother.
(I also think you are the church)

[Fartraveler]

She is a VERY angry person and can turn on a time. She always used to tell me "I will NEVER get angry at you", and she really was very protective of me. If someone was mean to me, or slighted me in any way, she would get super mad at that person. And since I'm horrible at that, it was kind of nice to feel like someone was looking out for me. She never confronted anyone directly, but hearing her say "they shouldn't have done that" was helpful to me. I guess that's what she did for me.

Maybe she realizes that you're changing, and that you don't need her for that function any more. If she's offended, that may be what's doing it. (Esp. if you feel so strongly that the friendship is over.)

That was actually one of the reasons (I realize now) that I was attracted to my ex-h, and that was one of the functions he performed for me. He was a very angry person, and I am very fearful of confrontations (use to be). So that actually did attract me to him. I admired his forcefulness and decisiveness. But of course his anger soon became directed at me, whenever I did anything that he felt challenged him. And a big thing that challenged him was when I started to become healthy enough to take the initiative for my own life.

-Far

[googley]

(((((((((Tree))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is hard to loose a friend. It sounds like from your description that she may have been using you to get her needs met without providing an equal balance to the friendship. If you feel this is the case (which you may not) then it might be better off that your friendship is dissolving. Your ability to say no to her when she asks for something is a strength. I know how hard it is to loose friends. It is a painful process no matter what the reason. I hope that you have other friends who you are able to connect with and fill the void left by this friend.

[seventyeight]

hi tree,

i'm sorry to hear about your friend, but not really. it sounds like she wasn't really a good person to have in your life, so it's probably best that it's over. that's not to say the loss isn't a big one, or that it doesn't hurt a lot.

my guess would be that she simply doesn't need you anymore. you helped her take care of a lot of the messes in her life, to the point that it doesn't sound like she has many left. the only thing left to make a "mess" of, or a better way to put it - to have drama around - is you. you said that she was very black in white, so it's no suprise that she would just cut you out completely like that. you're now in the other category - all "bad" or whatever it is that's the opposite of how she viewed you before. i think it's interesting that you're just coming to this realization now, on the eve of a vacation. i think vacationing is a nice way for you to get away and detox from this person (not that that's what the vacation is about, but something that can be incorporated), and then come back home to a somewhat different life - one without this friend.

your dream is an interesting one. i think that the church is your version of the world, one that is strongly connected to god. i actually think that the queen represents this friend, and how it seems like you feel "lucky" to have been a part of her life. she still needs help (hence being in a wheelchair), yet the dream shows you that she has found someone else to wheel her around - a role in her life that you used to fulfill. i think renoir is your therapist and that the painting is you. you are working together with him to "paint a picture" of yourself (one that is currently only partially finished), and he is simply the artist that is helping you see how beautiful you and your life really are.

have a nice vacation!

[Sweetlove]

Tree, I have been there many times and the only advice I can give is to just let it go and hope for the best. The ball is in her court, she knows how you feel and it is up to her to make the next move. For me, one-sided friendships are toxic and is one of the issues I work through in therapy. If you don't even know why she isn't talking to you or what you did to deserve it, then chances are you didn't do anything and she is being dramatic. If this is how the "friendship" is going to go then it's not worth it..you are better than that.

[ECHOES]

Tree

Your friend, the Queen, has made an art out of manipulation. She is doing it now by ignoring you and leaving you to wonder why. Her behavior is about her, and it is in line with how you know she behaves, and it isn't about something you have done or not done because you have been a good friend to her.

She may be mad at the world and you are part of the world.

Even given that she could be mad at you, I wonder if you think that means the friendship is over (as decided by her), or if you are choosing to not be in the friendship any longer (decided by you, and based on what you want in friendship relationships).

Without knowing more about what is going on with her, could you leave it as it is right now: she is not communicating and you don't know why. The unknown is unknown and that's nerve-wracking but okay; you don't have to fill in the unknown, it needs to come from her.

Anyway, have a beautiful time on your family vacation!! Leave home the stuff that will be there when you get back

[skeksi]

She hasn't been talking to me, returning my messages, etc....I thought she was busy, but I realized she never would have done this before.

It's so hard to see a friendship dwindle! When it's happened to me, I think, "What did I do 'wrong'? What can I do so she likes me again? How was I 'bad'?" Pure childhood reaction, of course. So I used to work frantically to save the relationship--reach out more, try to talk about what was going on, etc. It's taken me a while, but now I realize I am not the only person in a relationship. If the other person stops putting as much into it as I do, then the relationship will fade away, and that doesn't make it 'my fault.'

It also helps me to realize that I don't have to see it in black & white. The friend lets our relationship end...that doesn't make her bad or evil. I don't do anything to save it...that doesn't mean I don't value what we had. It's sad, but it's not the end of my world, I can be sure of making new friends. Seeing life as a series of relationships that grow and fade has helped me.

I hope you have a lovely vacation.

[Travelinglady]

Yes, please try not to think about the situation and let it ruin your vacation! I suspect that other people were trying to tell you that the friendship wasn't a healthy one, anyway. A healthy one is of "give and take"--not just one-sided. I can understand why you'd be upset. I'd be, too, but in the long run, she might be doing you a favor. Obviously, I am not a therapist myself, but I suspect that your friend might have a personality disorder (clues: black and white thinking and quick to get angry with others ), and I hope that she will find a counselor to help her. You sound like a dear person. Hang in here until your T gets back!

[Suratji]

I think everyone's comments are 'right on'. I have nothing to add except best wishes and hopefully you can forget about her so you can relax and enjoy your vacation.

[WePow]

Sending you tons of hope and positive thoughts! There are some people who are highly toxic. It is OK to protect yourself from those types of people.

Ditto what others have said.

I understand it's painful to lose a friend, but in the end I think it's a healthy loss for you...she sounds toxic.

Enjoy your vacay!

tree, i had something similar happen with one of my oldest friends not long ago. i finally dared to set a boundary about something and she didn't take it well at all. i had upset the applecart and i know she is someone who does not like change as she has said as much. she completely blew me off--something in over 20 years of friendship she'd never done before--and i figured it was the end of the friendship. i have actually had that happen in the past where i set a boundary and the person just disappeared on me because i had changed the dynamic of the friendship. i was so upset about this time though because she's my best friend from college and really a great friend. anyway, a month or so later she did later contact me and wanted to get together again. we still haven't met up as i admit i was not too responsive after what she did but at least i know that our friendship isn't over as i had feared. sometimes it just takes people awhile to adjust to the way things are now when you change things. i'd keep trying with your friend occasionally to see if she'll accept your olive branch.

as for your dream i also think the queen of england is your friend and you have been "treating her like royalty" but as you can see she is in a wheelchair. obviously there are areas in her life where there is much brokenness. that doesn't have to be the end of the friendship though. maybe the unfinished painting is your friendship? a work in progress? not sure about that last part about the painting but i think there is still hope that things can work out with the two of you. adding one last thought on your dream: a church is primarily a place of forgiveness and reconciliation (restored relationships). you are ready to go into the church to restore this friendship but you must wait for her to go in.

have a great vacation tree and much love.

I want to thank you all SO MUCH for your comments. Really. Everything every single person said helped a lot.

I've communicated with my friend a little bit...it seems like she wants to get together to talk about things, but she says "I honestly can't tell you where our relationship stands right now". Ugh. So, I feel like a little kid about to get in trouble, when I know I really truly didn't do anything wrong. I've thought about it and thought about (on the 8 hour drive here) because I want to own my part, for sure, but I'm not sure I *have* a part. I think she's just using me in her emotional drama. Ugh I feel sad and hurt. I don't really even want to get together with her to talk about it, honestly. It feels too risky.

What I REALLY want to do is put up all of my walls and cut myself off from all of my friends IRL - everyone but H and my kids and T. EVERYONE. I know that's the wrong thing to do, but I feel scared of trusting right now. Like, really scared. I hate it. It feels awful.

ANYHOW, I'm somewhere really fun, and I'm having a great time with my family, and it's easy to not think about this during the day.

Thank you, you guys. I really needed every single one of those posts. My heart hurts.