I am really bummed out. Had my session on Monday. It went okay, but I can't get these messages out of my head concerning my therapy and therapist: "You are annoying her. She is getting tired of you. Why can't you act like a normal person? She is going to abandon you. Quit now before you get hurt. She is going to cut off your email processing and won't write you back anymore. You shouldn't bring journal notes to sessions. Stop bringing a stupid pillow to your sessions. You are making a fool of yourself! What is wrong with you? GROW UP and put your big girl panties on! She is not your friend. She doesn't care about you. You are just another client to her. STOP! STOP! STOP! going to therapy because you are getting in too deep!

INSANITY!! That is how I feel right now. I sent her an email last night telling her how stupid I feel, and how much I fear abandonment. She will write me back within a day or so. I am sure of that. But in the meantime I want to quit all of this. Is it worth all of the emotions we go through?

Sometimes I think I should NEVER have started this because once you start digging into the skeletons, fears, insecurities, etc.....it seems like a never ending battle.

I am so miserable right now. I know this is just a part of this process, but I hate it! My brain will not allow me to rest or stop the broken record that keeps playing these things over and over and over! STOP THE INSANITY!! Please stop....please stop......please stop.....

[SpiritRunner]

Right now, I sort of have a few thoughts in my head that go like this: I could have just kept on going without therapy, I could have pulled things together like I always have before, who says I needed to go through all that past stuff anyway, and who says I really need therapy OR meds....and yadda yadda. So I have some understanding of your thought process......and I think it's pretty normal, really! When things hurt, and changing ourselves does hurt, being vulnerable does hurt (in a way), we tend to want to resist it or run....the thing to remember is that going on through the pain will lead to healing and to grace and to victory! So, yes, I'm saying I think it will be worth it for you and for me and for anyone who really wants to heal and to change.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( HUGS )))

I can relate to so much of what you're saying....and I say those same things to myself. For me, it's like a defense mechanism, kicking myself down so as to protect myself from that pain and vulnerability. It's so hard to let go and trust in the process when it's so scary.

I understand what you're saying....every bit of it....and wish it was easier.

[geez]

(((Squigle))) I too hate the intensity of emotions. I too feel the same way many times in therapy. I play head games with myself all the time about therapy and yet I have moments of being completely vulnerable (much like you with sending your T the email). With missing a few sessions I've been feeling a little bit disjointed but at the same time I've welcomed the break. At my T appt yesterday I didn't want to say much of anything. Of course I will be writing about it all and bringing it with me to my next appt to read or I'm going to send her an email (I told her in my appt yesterday I didn't want to talk about a topic she was pushing me on - i was able to be honest about that).

Sometimes I think as a defense we just don't want to 'go there' in the moment.

Hope you find some peace of mind. How are you feeling now?

[Sannah]

Maybe all these things are jumping up because they want their turn in getting fixed? You are a doer it seems.

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe all these things are jumping up because they want their turn in getting fixed? You are a doer it seems.

Sannah~you have me thinking on this one. Will you elaborate more on this?

[Sannah]

Our subconscious are very smart. They know everything. You are a doer too and you get things done. You have an outlet now, a therapist who is helping. Maybe your subconscious is unleashing all the stuff that needs to be worked on. It finally has an outlet. So insanity, no, just a person who really wants to work things out and get things fixed. If the issues don't come up, they can't be worked on.

Do you consider yourself anxious? When I still had my anxiety my brain wouldn't be quiet!

Originally Posted by Sannah

Our subconscious are very smart. They know everything. You are a doer too and you get things done. You have an outlet now, a therapist who is helping. Maybe your subconscious is unleashing all the stuff that needs to be worked on. It finally has an outlet. So insanity, no, just a person who really wants to work things out and get things fixed. If the issues don't come up, they can't be worked on.

Do you consider yourself anxious? When I still had my anxiety my brain wouldn't be quiet!

Sannah~ I am experiencing a very high level of anxiety. It has sky rocketed since going into therapy. Especially since my breakthrough session on Dec. 7th. Based on the messages I am saying to myself (as indicated in my original post), what issues are you talking about? I read back through that and I am not sure. Insecurity? Fear of abandonment?

[Suratji]

I saw my T today and I really began to understand the need to experience our hidden buried emotions. When they are buried, they are in the driver's seat with us not having a chance to control them because we're really not aware or conscious of who's in the driver's seat.
But when we allow them to manifest, we can get a good look at them and have an opportunity to understand where they're coming from. Only then, with some attention and some analysis, will we be able to come to grips with what they're all about.
Then we can begin to control them and control our lives better. We will begin to be in the driver's seat more. We will become more conscious and more awake.
My T suggested that I sit and be quiet and just feel and be attentive to the feeling. Don't fight it, don't judge it, just notice it. When this is done, sometimes some true understanding emerges and we can begin to look at the emotion instead of drowning in it.
I also was overwhelmed with emotion after this session today and I also have felt a higher level of emotions since I started therapy in December. But I believe and I'm experiencing that healing will be the final result of this work and this pain. As I've pointed out in another post, a mother in the throes of childbirth only notices the pain but once the child is in her arms all pain is forgotten and joy is in her heart. That is our future if we hang on and don't give up.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

"You are annoying her. low self worth?
She is getting tired of you. low self worth?
Why can't you act like a normal person? low self worth?
She is going to abandon you.
Quit now before you get hurt. fear of intimacy?
She is going to cut off your email processing and won't write you back anymore. fear of abandonment?
You shouldn't bring journal notes to sessions. fear of intimacy?
Stop bringing a stupid pillow to your sessions. low self worth?
You are making a fool of yourself! low self worth?
What is wrong with you? low self worth?
GROW UP and put your big girl panties on! low self worth?
She is not your friend. fear of intimacy?
She doesn't care about you. fear of intimacy?
You are just another client to her. fear of intimacy?
STOP! STOP! STOP! going to therapy because you are getting in too deep!

fear..........

I just took a stab at these. It would be interesting to hear what you think.

Originally Posted by Sannah

fear..........

I just took a stab at these. It would be interesting to hear what you think.

My therapist tells me that my core self was damaged in my first marriage due to having such a controlling/dominating spouse. She does say that I have no self worth and they we need to work on that. I don't really know how to do that. I don't really understand how I can change that. When you have been this way for so long, it is the only way you know.

Fear of intimacy? Yes~getting close to anyone is not going to happen with me. At least, not if I can help it. I don't want to go down that road again. Been there, done that. I fear my relationship with my therapist. I don't feel comfortable with the feelings I have for her. I don't want to need her, or depend on her for anything. But, I right now I do need her and do depend on her to be there for me. That is not easy for me and I hate admitting that.

I am trying to trust this process. It is hell to go through! I am just hoping that I come out better on the other side.

[Sannah]

Getting better requires really understanding yourself, taking inventory of what isn't working now, understanding where it came from (really understanding this by working through what happened to you - feelings and all) and then problem solving today on those things that aren't working. I wish you luck on working through these things........

I'll give you my example. I had low self worth. I understand that my mother didn't pay any attention to me so it follows that I deduced that I wasn't too valuable. Well, I worked through what really happened, that she had major issues and her treatment of me was her problem and it had nothing to do with my value. I let any buried feelings about that come out and mourn and cry and needed. How did this come out in my everyday life? Speaking to people I would feel my low self worth coming out and in that moment I would tell myself where that came from and then why today it isn't true. I was able to change this so that now it doesn't come out anymore when I talk to to people. Working on things in the moment when they are triggered is a good way to rewire stuff.

Fear of intimacy is tied to low self worth (you don't want anyone close enough to see who you really are!), weak boundaries (stay away because I don't know how to protect myself), not being able to meet your needs (stay away because I have a hard enough time meeting your needs over mine), and having stuffed away, unresolved feelings (which cause discomfort and anxiety so stay away because I don't feel good).