After nearly two years of DBT, we're finally at the place where we can start addressing the past. T wants to do a thorough history taking, and we agreed we'd start by looking at my childhood photos. But looking through the albums now and thinking of T seeing them, I feel sick.

I'm scared that T will see the photos and think that I had a perfect life. And then she'll agree with what I've known all along- that the problem was me, not my life, there was just something deeply wrong with me.

It feels strange, because these albums are my mother's version of my childhood, not my own understanding of it. So at times it's like looking at another little girl's life. And although I'm sure it's important for us to see how my mother understood things, I'm anxious that T will take my mother's version as gospel and I won't get my turn.

I'm scared that T will see what a horrible stupid fat disgusting little girl I was, and take her love away. She has told me before that when we're interacting, she holds me in her mind as the adult I am now and the little girl I was then, and I'm scared the photos will shatter that and she'll turn away from me.

I've seen photos of T's little girl. I look at my pictures and compare us and see that her 'real' daughter is much prettier and funnier and happier and cleverer and... I feel like T will be doing that too, comparing us- how could she not- and she'll take away my share of her love and give it all to her daughter.

Looking at the pictures with T feels like a giant kick in the stomach- a huge reminder that I'm not hers and she's not my mama- I had a whole other life and family. And it's just too sad.

I've already told T all these things, and she was reassuring, but I still feel sick. This is what I haven't told T: I don't want T to see me. Which is strange because usually all I want is to feel truly seen by T. In one of her threads rainbow talked about the 'shame of being seen to be human', and I think this has been such a key feeling for me throughout my life. I feel ashamed that T will see these perfectly normal expressions and activities and appearances of childhood.

Just posting here to get it all out of my head, where it's getting bigger and bigger. Thanks for being the space where I can do that. My session is after lunch today. We've got an hour and a half, to give us time. Please come with me if you can

[PTSDlovemycats]

Oh Improving! I will definitely be there to support you! I am jumping into your pocket right now as I tpe this!! Please know that your T isn't there to judge you! Comparing only causes disappointment, I think it is wonderful what your T wants to do with you. I think it could be a great experience for both of you. Continue to tell her how you feel about being "seen" by her and also tell her what you said that this is how you mother saw you and usually photos are only taken during happy times, milestones, and holidays. Rarely are they taken during times of negative experiences and emotions and difficulties that we may experience. Wishing you the best of luck, and remember -You have me in your pocket for your support!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Make room for me too Improving. Wow this is a hard one. You won't be alone though

[WePow]

(((((((((Improving))))))))) You are doing GREAT with your T ! Keep posting these emotions and processing through them.

I want to share something with you from my therapy experience last year with the trauma work. I hope this helps you a bit maybe to put together the pieces.

I brought in my childhood video tape (converted to dvd) from the 1970s and some reel-to-reel footage of when I was little with my brothers. Naturally the only thing the video showed was us swimming and playing in the pool and going to the park.
Of course I saw in MY eyes the pain and I remembered what it felt like to have to walk around trying to be happy and forget what was going on when the camera stopped rolling.

After my T watched the video for the first time with me, he said "It looks like a perfectly normal family."

OMG! I felt my heart being crushed as though an elephant had stomped on it!!!
Thankfully he is a wonderful T and asked me to share my emotions at that comment. I told him how it felt like he was dismissing my entire childhood and telling me my family was normal - so why was I there in his office "complaining" about it. UGGG!!!

He got very silent and looked me in the eye and said "What I am wanting to share with you is that the video and pictures didn't capture the pain."

He went on to tell me that he has the same response when he looks at his own pictures - he has a CSA history as well. He said it was amazing how families only want to remember and document the good parts. They tend to toss out the pictures of us looking distressed in any way. Also, as we were growing up, we were told to keep smiling through the pain.

The world saw us the way those pictures your mom kept display. They are not the truth in any real way. They are "snapshots" of us too often pretending to be a "normal happy family" without any issues at all.

Sometimes we did have happy times and life continued inspite of the fact that we were hurting inside. And that was fine. It was what it was for the time. So there are many pictures of those times when we were just living inside the reality that was there.

But remember that it doesn't mean the pain was any less real. Just because you don't have photo "evidence" that you had chickenpox or some other illness as a child does not mean it didn't happen.

Big hugs to you!

((((((((((((((((Improving))))))))))))))))

I can SO relate to what you wrote.

I brought a childhood picture to show T once and it was terrifying. I had the same thoughts you did...T would look at the picture and see how awful I REALLY was and he wouldn't love me anymore - how could he??

And it makes SOOOOO much sense...it's hard for the child part of us to understand why we weren't loved, why our reality and the reality we were TOLD existed were so different, why the photo album shows one thing and our actual day-to-day lives showed another. It's confusing and scary.

Of course, T didn't take his love away, and finding out that someone actually COULD love that little girl was incredibly healing. It's still hard to wrap my brain around it.

Sometimes (usually?) in therapy, the scariest things are the most important things, the things that have the most potential to really shift the way things are inside of us. This sounds like one of those things.

Hopping in your pocket with the rest

Thank you so much everyone. I'm going to take the risk of noone ever replying to me ever again, and say that the responses have made me feel even more ashamed. I feel so sorry that you all suffered so much when you were little, and that you had to present a happy front to the world. It makes me feel guilty because nothing terrible ever happened to me... so the fact that my life didn't fit and I couldn't be happy or get what I needed doesn't make any sense, unless there is something badly wrong with me. And I'm afraid that's what T will see- a little girl who has everything and still isn't happy. I was loved, I was. But today T will see that no love was ever be enough for me, and she'll stop even trying to be enough for me.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Improving you can't get rid of us that easily

be gentle with yourself. In time, with T's help, you will get to know yourself better. Still planning to come with you today.

Originally Posted by Improving

that the responses have made me feel even more ashamed. I feel so sorry that you all suffered so much when you were little, and that you had to present a happy front to the world. It makes me feel guilty because nothing terrible ever happened to me... so the fact that my life didn't fit and I couldn't be happy or get what I needed doesn't make any sense, unless there is something badly wrong with me.

(((((((((((((((Improving)))))))))))))))))

Ugh...shame is the worst feeling, isn't it?

Your experience is your experience. Your pain is your pain. Your feelings are REAL and just as important as everyone else's feelings.

My son has autism, but it's mild, and he looks like your average kid...which has always made it that much harder when he acts out in public. Ack, the dirty looks I've gotten!!! And as awful as this sounds, I've sometimes wished he had a more "obvious" thing going on...something that people can SEE...so that it would make sense to people when he acts out, and so that people would treat us with understanding instead of contempt. The fact that my son doesn't have a horrible disability, or that he doesn't look different from anyone else doesn't make the situation any easier. Sometimes, I wonder if it makes it harder.

Your shame reminds me of that. It's easy for me to look at my childhood and point to the things that were wrong. When I do that, my feelings make sense. Just like with my son, I bet it's a lot harder when things are more subtle, harder to see, harder to put your finger on. There is NOTHING wrong with you for having the feelings you have. Pain is pain. Period.

Thinking of you today. Please be *gentle* with you. You deserve gentleness.

[WePow]

(((((((((((((Improving)))))))))))))))

BIG BIG hugs to you!!!!! There is something that can be mended with the help of your T. You don't have to come from a bad background to have that need. And it doesn't mean something is "wrong" with you. It just means you are trying to find out what can help you on the inside. And THAT is wonderful !!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Improving

Thank you so much everyone. I'm going to take the risk of noone ever replying to me ever again, and say that the responses have made me feel even more ashamed. I feel so sorry that you all suffered so much when you were little, and that you had to present a happy front to the world. It makes me feel guilty because nothing terrible ever happened to me... so the fact that my life didn't fit and I couldn't be happy or get what I needed doesn't make any sense, unless there is something badly wrong with me. And I'm afraid that's what T will see- a little girl who has everything and still isn't happy. I was loved, I was. But today T will see that no love was ever be enough for me, and she'll stop even trying to be enough for me.

No risk of me never replying to you again at all! I've come to love you too much for that.....and your pain is real and valid to me, and has touched my heart deeply. Everyone has their pain and everyone's pain/suffering is significant.....maybe nothing terrible happened to you, but that doesn't mean that you should feel you have no right to feel pain or that you shouldn't have pain or that something is wrong with you because you have pain. And even if nothing dramatically terrible did ever happen to you, that doesn't mean that there wasn't something wrong or missing in your relationships growing up, something that caused you damage, something that left a pattern of hurt in you.....
Improving, I think your T does love you, and I think she is not going to stop loving you.......I think she will see your pain, your need, and want to keep working with you to help you heal and grow and change.
I understand what you mean when you say, no love will ever be enough for me.....I feel this way too, that all the love given me doesn't feel like enough to ever heal all the hurt, take away the wounds, or fill up the huge huge need within me. Maybe one reason I want more children is that I think somewhere in me that having more children to love/more children to love me will fill that need, that space of longing.......but then, I know that won't be enough, and I wonder what will be enough. Anyway, I think I'm just wanting to say that it is OK to feel like no love will ever be enough.....but I am hoping that you will be able to look at the love you do have and find joy and healing in it.
I will be thinking of you tons.....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Improving

these albums are my mother's version of my childhood, not my own understanding of it. So at times it's like looking at another little girl's life.

T will see what a horrible stupid fat disgusting little girl I was,

I'm not hers and she's not my mama- I had a whole other life and family. And it's just too sad.

I don't want T to see me. Which is strange because usually all I want is to feel truly seen by T.

the 'shame of being seen to be human', and I think this has been such a key feeling for me throughout my life.

This ^ is something. It might not have come from an abusive family but something caused this.

I wasn't abused but I knew something was very wrong with my family. Years later I was able to piece together that my problems came from emotional neglect. Heck, I just had a FB conversation with one of my cousins and she had no clue to this day what it was like inside my family.

I think that your session can be very productive today. Good luck to you and I would love to come along too!

[rainbow8]

((((((Improving))))))

You've probably had your session already so I'm too late because I just read this. I hope it went well. I so much identify with having nothing major wrong in my family--a loving family, etc. but having all of these problems. You may know I started a thread like that too. Don't be ashamed of posting here. Something brought us to therapy and to this forum, and it's REAL. We're not making up our feelings and we should not compare our lives to others' who seem much worse.

[Sweetlove]

((((Improving))))

I brought in a scrapbook last week that my mom made for me after my dad died...something I can't bring myself to look at very much because we all looked so happy. We were, but there is so much pain associated with those pictures. I was afraid he would see how how happy we were and that I've been lying about everything I've said or how much pain I feel since he died.

Anyway, he thought the scrapbook was beautiful, but said it doesn't mean that I can't feel pain...he still believes me.

Good luck today...I'm sure everything will be fine

Thank you so so much my lovely PC friends . I read your responses while I waited for T, and I felt the comforting weight of you all in my pockets. PTSD, that cat avatar of yours was particularly active and kept reminding me I had company

It was a strange session. We had an hour and a half but we didn't really talk. We ploughed through six photo albums and I pointed some things out to T, or briefly explained things, and sometimes T asked me about something. The albums are so heavy and I usually can't drive to therapy as I go straight from work, so I knew I wouldn't be able to bring them back any time soon. I really really wanted to get it over and done with today, so we went quite fast and T let me set the pace. So I'm left with the strange feeling that we generated lots of material for future sessions, but today didn't really feel like a session. I feel like I got 'enough' of T though, which is good. I don't really know yet what T thinks of any of it, but I can cope with the wait.

The end was horrible. The most upsetting photos were last, and then we were done and I was swinging wildly between begging her to let me be her little girl and promising I would be so so good if she'd only say yes, and totally attacking the little girl in the pictures (me, I suppose). I wanted to throw all the photo albums away, but T persuaded me to just leave them in my car for now. I guess that all the things I was afraid T would see- the horrible stupid selfish child- are the things that I see and believe about myself. T kept saying quietly again and again that she was a lovely little girl.

I feel really shaken. I had no idea that I feel all this hatred and violence towards the child that I was. I literally want to kick her head in till she dies. My head is really noisy with voices telling me that I stuffed up the first perfect life I was given and now I'm greedy enough to ask T for another chance? T is too good for me and she should take away her love before I break her like I broke my family.

And now (seriously bad timing, especially considering that I hardly ever see them) I have to go to the cinema with my parents and sleep at theirs. Ugh. I hope T will text me later and say something that makes some sense. Sorry if this post is all over the place.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((( improving )))))))))))))))))))) it's over now. And your T didn't run from you screaming did she? Maybe that is a thought you can hold onto for now. this is for you, you are so courageous

[Sweetlove]

I'm sorry it was painful Improving...but you did it, and you still have T. Now, your T knows that little girl, and you can start to work on her.

At the end, did she say anything to you about showing her the pictures or possibly texting or calling you later? I really hope you get some contact...

Thinking of you

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( HUGS ))))

I'm sorry it was so painful for you towards the end. Stuff is being stirred up, and feelings just are. They don't always make sense. Please be gentle with yourself as you go through this. I hope your T texts you soon and helps you with this.

[SpiritRunner]

(((((improving))))) you were courageous.....and your T still loves you, you and the little girl in you. Now that these feelings have made themselves known, they can be dealt with, there can be healing. I hope it goes well with your parents.
Be gentle with yourself.....

[rainbow8]

Improving: hugs for you and for the little girl you were and still are T saw you and loved you the way you were. I know it was hard but you got through it. There's hard work ahead, but that's why we're in therapy.

Thank you everyone. Still feeling very shaky but T and I have texted which helped. She gave me a more compassionate sentence to think when the noise gets very loud in my head. She said she's not taking her love away and I do deserve her love- I am good enough. She said not being able to be hers isn't because she doesn't want me- she does want me- it's just because it's not how it is.

I hope one day I can love myself even one tenth as much as T loves me. In the meantime, I'm going to try hard to trust her judgement and her understanding of the situation. My own self hatred and damnation have only brought me misery, so it's worth a try...

[Sannah]

You are doing good work Improving.........

[jpny]

You have a lot more strength then you think! For starters you began talking about the past. It's hard to talk about the past when it's affected so much of what's going on with yourself now. I only hope that I can muster up to courage to do the same.
I'm wishing you all the best!

[inbloom]

awww, ((((((Improving)))))), I just love your honesty.

I think that pain is so so relative, you know? And, your feelings are SO real and SO valid, regardless of where they stem from and what happened to create them. They are there and they are yours and you feel them....that matters! It matters so much!

I get the picture thing, and the shame in showing it. As other's have shared, I felt so vulnerable at the thought of showing T my childhood photo. I remember how terrible I felt during the time the photos were taken, and I really thought that he would see that "terribleness" in me when he looked. I didn't want him to know that part of me. It's a really raw, brave thing to do....to expose your most hidden, protected memories of your self and your heart. I bet your T will absolutely still love you, though....

My childhood home is also filled with photo albums, which demonstrate the "happy little family" that my parent's wished to portray to the world. I am quite sure that your T will be able to see through that. Even if you had many great, truly happy times, it doesn't mean that you don't have a right to feel what you feel.

We all have such different reasons for being here, for being in therapy. We are so unique with different backgrounds, traumas, happy and sad times.....but pain is pain, heartache is heartache.....we share that, regardless of why or how. It is valid in each of us.

Originally Posted by Improving

I hope one day I can love myself even one tenth as much as T loves me. In the meantime, I'm going to try hard to trust her judgement and her understanding of the situation. My own self hatred and damnation have only brought me misery, so it's worth a try...

I love this, Improving. Such wise words.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Improving, I couldn't believe that you said that you felt more ashamed after reading the replies. You know what, nothing bad ever happened to me as a child either but guess what? I wasn't happy either. All of the ***** that happened to me started in my teens and continued through my twenties, You are not alone in feeling the way that you do about your childhood. Please continue to post and i will continue to reply. (((Hugs)))