Fight or Flight Response/Shut Down vs. Melt Down

((((((((((Squiggle))))))))))))

I'm really glad you went Showing up is half the battle.

Squiggle I always enjoy reading your threads and your posts. It's like a captivating short story that is always continuous for me. Thanks for keeping me on my toes! Glad you went to therapy yesterday. I decided not to say anything after you said you didn't want us to tell you to go. I couldn't wait to see what decision you made for yourself. I can't wait for the thread "Squiggle threw a tantrum in T's office Today..."

Captivating Short Story ~ that's pretty accurate. I do write alot and tell it all! I like the title "Squiggle threw a tantrum in T's office today". I think I will use that one when I actually do throw a tantrum. Because I showed by disgust and frustration at her today, I think I am getting close!

Of course, she sees that as 'progress'. At one point she saw me turn my head and mumble something. She said, "Go ahead, say it! Get it out there." Almost as if she was taunting me to get angry. She wants me to get angry. She wants me to show anger and frustration. I hope she enjoys it when it shows up!

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When my therapist replied to my last email, she said "YOU have to make the decision whether to come today or skip a week. You are the one who knows what is best for you. I will respect your decision either way. BUT think this through and make sure you are not avoiding an uncomfortable issue."

At first I was a bit upset with her that she wanted ME to make that decision. I wanted her to tell me, "Squiggle, you really need to come in today. We have some things we need to work on."

That would make me feel like she wanted me to be there. Kinda like she would miss me if I didn't go. But, she won't let me fall into those mind traps of allowing others to 'control' me. I have to make the decisions in therapy. She can guide me and encourage me, but she won't make decisions for me.

Ok but you have to give me credit for the titile of the thread when you post it! LOL!

Interesting my Pdoc does the exact same thing! I so don't get why though. And then other times she will say things like "Oh c'mon Cats, just say it, I know you are angry at me, I would be if I said that to myself" It's like she is trying to get me to get angry at her! So weird. I still really miss her and still don't know when she will be back from her holiday yet..

me, too!

I'm glad you went, too, squiggle!

As always, excellent work Squiggle!!!

Thanks Sannah! I do try to make good grades in therapy. Maybe that is the teacher side of me. Always striving for an "A". Always trying to do my best.

It is really eye opening to go back and read my own threads! This one seemed like so long ago, but it has only been a few weeks. A few sessions back. I am still fighting this anger thing. I went nutty this weekend as I expressed in another thread. Put duct tape over my mouth to keep me from screaming!!

I also went into the garage, found a hammer and some nails, and started pounding them into a wooden bench. When I came back in the house, I asked my family, "Did you hear anything?"

My daughter responded, "Yes, you were out there banging stuff in the garage again." She said it so matter of factly. Like it was just a normal thing for her mother to do! Here lately, it is normal for me to do crazy things. Anything to get this anger out!!!

Why am I fighting it so bad? I wish I knew. I still want to throw that tantrum in my therapist's office. I did tell her to "Shut UP!" the last time I went in. It was a slip up and I apologized. She was okay with it and acted like it didn't bother her, but it bothered me.

Fight or Flight response? I have this every single time I go to therapy. EVERY TIME!!! Why can't I just get to a place that I accept that I am in therapy, I will be here for awhile, it is not for crazy lunatics, and it is normal to have all these mixed up nutty obnoxious feelings going on!

FEELINGS? I hate that word. She keeps wanting me to explore my stupid feelings!! I would like to tell her how I FEEL sometimes!! I FEEL like I am losing my mind, my wits, and my sanity! That is how I FEEL!

Fight or Flight response? I think they are mixed together. I am running and fighting at the same time. I don't know if I am coming or going. I see my therapists door like one of those revolving doors that twirl around. I can't figure out if I am going in or coming out!

Sometimes I think that if you weren't nuts when you started therapy, you will be once you get into it! So why am I still going? Because this nut knows that she needs to and that it will pay off in the end. I just hope that this nut is not peanut butter when she comes out. All smashed up with a bunch of other nuts. I would rather be an peanut M & M. Bright, fun, colorful, and something that everybody loves!

Did this last part make one bit of sense? Peanut butter and M & M's? I think I need more help than I realized!

I don't particularly like M & Ms.

The analogy I was thinking about is this: With peanut butter, all the nuts get smashed into one big jar. They have no identity.

With a peanut M & M, she stands alone. She has her own color. She represents a 'happy' person since M & M's are meant to make people happy. She has 3 different layers which represents her soft side (chocolate), her protective side (the outer shell), and her inner core (the nut that is trying to get out!)

Okay. I think I have way too much time on my hands. This is sounding like a looney

Squiggle, do you think that you just prefer a life without emotions and feelings so exploring this area makes you think that you are crazy?

I am not sure I understand what you mean by 'exploring this area'. Can you elaborate more on this question?

Exploring your feelings.

I obviously do not like to FEEL anything, or so it seems. I think I DO express my feelings a lot, so I do not understand your question. Not upset, just giving it a lot of thought because my therapist says the same thing. I am not an outward emotional person. I appear to be somewhat calm, cool, collected, etc.. but at home and when I am alone, I am VERY emotional.

My assignment this week is to explore my FEELINGS about some events that happened in my life. I have thoughts, but she says I am not allowing myself to FEEL the emotion that goes along with those thoughts. What does that mean???

I cry in our sessions. I tell her that I am angry, depressed, discouraged, feel trapped, lonely, anxious, etc... are those not FEELINGS? I pace the floor, move from chair to couch to the floor, etc...I am showing her that I am FEELING something when in session!

Therapy is driving me crazy! I do not know how to do therapy any more. Just when I think I am doing well, I get slapped in the face with something that she thinks I am holding back on. I have confessed to her every dark secret, event, hurt, pain, issue, etc... that I can think of.

Am I the only one who is confused about this?? What more is expected from me? No wonder I have the fight or flight issue! I FEEL like I am losing the battle. What battle? I don't even know that the battle is! Am I making this stuff up? Why am I even IN therapy? That is a question I need to ponder.....

I've never been an 'emotional' person but therapy has turned me into one. It is so so confusing - I agree. We're trying to make sense of it all and it just seems out of our grasp - so the feeling of losing the battle. Sometimes I think that I'm just stirring things up and I'm creating the problem myself. All I can say is yes- you are not the only one confused.

I am so confused too.....I am a deeply intense person, beset with deep, intense, passionate, stormy emotions, but I present a calm, controlled exterior, like I have put all the powerful emotion in some stronghold with thick thick walls....to protect me or to protect me from the emotions, I don't know which. I simply know that I have never dealt well, or truly, with my emotions, or felt safe with them, or safe to show them....I can't even cry in therapy, not even when she delivers me the huge blow of taking away all physical contact forever and i want to cry and scream and rage, I can do none of these things, with a physical expression! I can, I guess, write the words of the emotions.....but this is only intellectualizing them, putting them in a place to contain them, a place I think is safer....
My T talked to me once about this fight vs flight thing, and said my inclination is to flee.....unless it is very important to me, then I will fight. My inclination now about therapy and about her is to flee, but because it is important to me, I will stay and fight (as it were ).....

Squiggle, maybe you are still fighting having the feelings and this is what your T is talking about?

If I describe something that made me upset I can talk about it with emotion or without emotion. If I talk about it with emotion my voice might crack, I might get teary or my body might move about a lot. If I am distancing myself from my feelings I will talk about this upsetting incident as if I am explaining how I'm going to clean the floor.

When you talked about crying in her office and pacing about, is this new or something that you don't do very often?

And maybe your T is talking about the all or nothing approach? You appear cool and collected and then you go in the garage and start pounding?

I don't really know what she expects me to do. Break down in a total melt down/crying spell? I have done this several times. I can't see myself doing that everytime I go in.

It seems that expressing 'feelings' is the big issue for most therapists to get out of a client. Many people are not the emotional type. I was not raised in that type of environment. We were a happy family, but we didn't get sappy and overly excited about things.

If Publisher's Clearing House knocked on my door and told me I won a million dollars, I would not scream and jump up and down in hysteria. I would be calm about it. When they left, I would probably run around my house screaming and acting a fool!

I don't think you can change that part of yourself. I will never be one who expresses intense emotions in front of people.

I've been called 'cool' or 'cold' because I don't 'emote' enough. I am calm in crisis. You should have seen my H during earthquakes we've had. He runs out of the house, but I went calmly to collect the kids.

So, I don't understand it either because now by myself since I began therapy my emotions are spilling over [but not that anyone can see] Instead of pounding nails in the garage, I go dance wildly alone every night.

I almost kinda cried in session once when I read a very hurtful letter to T that had been written to me. I guess it was nice to be able to show my feelings or even to feel them at that time.

It's so confusing - I have a friend who expects me to 'woo hoo' when something cool happens but I just smile and intellectually appreciate it but so often it doesn't descend into my gut. Is there something wrong with me? Maybe being raised in a family in which the only emotion shown was anger has kept me from feeling - feelings are dangerous.

What's wrong with expressing things in front of people?

There is nothing wrong with expressing things in front of people. I am just not one who naturally does this. Maybe this has to do with being an extrovert vs introvert? Maybe this is a learned behavior? My mother is not an outwardly emotional person at all. She is a very calm person. She always seemed to 'have it all together'.

My personality is complicated. I am overly sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily. On the other hand, I am told that I am plain spoken and very direct. I don't see me being this kind of person at all because I view that 'label' as someone who is insensitive to other's feelings. That would not be true of me.

Of course, I show emotions in front of people. But it is not something that I would say I do very often.

So do you want to learn to express feelings in front of other people or are you happy with things the way they are?

I can see how you would be direct and I can also see how you would be sensitive and get your feelings hurt. I don't think that you have to be either or. I can see how a person can be both. I think a person can be direct and still sensitive to someone else's feelings too.