[mixedup_emotions]

Can we explore a little bit as to why we feel this way?

As a start, for me, it brings awareness of the reality that this closeness is a service that he's providing, that he's trained to provide, and it's difficult to swallow the imbalance.

It also makes me more aware of how incredibly sad I feel at the idea that I do not have a "safe" closeness in "real life" and that I've experienced so so so many unsafe relationsips, which seems so unfair.

There's much much more, but I'd like to get some input from others....

Thanks!!

Perhaps to keep the perspective that no good relationship in real life is entirely exclusive. Healthy individuals generally have multiple relationships. That includes your therapist (who we hope is a healthy individual). Therapists are entirely capable of caring about more than one person at a time.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Perhaps to keep the perspective that no good relationship in real life is entirely exclusive. Healthy individuals generally have multiple relationships. That includes your therapist (who we hope is a healthy individual). Therapists are entirely capable of caring about more than one person at a time.

This is so true...AND it can be hard for some of us to know that T has those other relationships. For me, BOTH are true, for sure.

I'll reply more later, MUE, but I'm running out the door.

[sailboat]

For me it's because I share so much with her that I have not shared with anyone else and that makes it so special.
Then I come out of the room and see another client and it makes me realize that it's special to me, not to her, she hears personal and intimate things all day long.
Also, I compare myself with others constantly so I always think she doesn't like me and that client X is so much prettier and with client Y I always hear her laugh so I come to the conclusion that she doesn't like me, I'm not special and she wants to see me gone because everyone else is so much more interesting.

I guess there are so many perspectives to it depending on what you've been through or going through.
Someone experiencing (erotic) transference or major attachment thinks of different things I suppose.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Perhaps to keep the perspective that no good relationship in real life is entirely exclusive. Healthy individuals generally have multiple relationships. That includes your therapist (who we hope is a healthy individual). Therapists are entirely capable of caring about more than one person at a time.

I keep this in mind, too - most people have multiple relationships, lots of people they think about/care about. I do. I have many people I care about, think about, love and pray for. People in my real life, family, friends.....and people here.
I have 4 children and am capable of loving them all deeply. I may not be able to give them all attention at the same time.....the one who needs the most attention at a certain time may be getting the most of me, my care and my attention at that time, but that doesn't mean I don't still have the others in my heart and that my love/care for them has diminished! So - I try to keep this in my mind with my friendships and my relationship with my T, that they too have many people they care about, of which I am one, and that sometimes I am getting the individual time and attention and care, and sometimes others are when they need it. But the care felt for me isn't diminished by that; my value in those relationships really isn't diminished or negated. I still have significance, even though others do too.....
I don't have a hard time with my T having other clients, really, or them getting the care they need. I just want to be able to believe that she really cares about me, or that I am special to her, too; I want to be able to believe more deeply in the connection I personally have with her. And I am beginning to feel more secure in that....safer in that.

[granite1]

i always compare it to syblings.most say that a parent has the ability to care about more than one child.BUT this has not ever been my experiance.my brother was treated like a prince and i was the scum on the bottom of his shoes.so i guess for me when i thought about my T having other clients it was the same thing i was the scum on the bottom of thare feet also.that is just the way it is

Originally Posted by granite1

i always compare it to syblings.most say that a parent has the ability to care about more than one child.BUT this has not ever been my experiance.my brother was treated like a prince and i was the scum on the bottom of his shoes.so i guess for me when i thought about my T having other clients it was the same thing i was the scum on the bottom of thare feet also.that is just the way it is

But your t is not dysfunctional like your family was, so that comparison just doesn't pan out in reality.

I used to be uncomfortable with oldT having other clients. I accepted it, but I didn't like it.

I think it was 100% transference. I did not have a mother, really. On a subconscious (and sometimes conscious) level, I wanted oldT to be my mom. And when you think about the child-mother bond, it's very egocentric for the child.

My 3-year-old sometimes gets VERY jealous when she sees me cuddling my 1-year-old. She yells "That's MY mommy!"

So, for me, at least, I think I was playing out a developmental stage that had stalled for me in my own childhood.

Once I accepted that and developed some compassion for myself, it got easier. In the end, with oldT, I was able to accept her "mothering" qualities in my life. But I no longer wanted her to be ALL MINE.

That's just my experience. I think even if you don't have the trauma background I have, it would be normal to feel uncomfortable with T's other clients. Like seeing YOUR best friend with 30 other "best" friends??

[lastyearisblank]

I don't have a problem with t's other clients... I got very jealous this one time about this one patient... She was about my age, and I instantly had this "idea" of the kind of person she was... She was a brunette, wearing a sensible coat, my t was making a joke and she was laughing adoringly, brushing away some tears and putting on a backpack. There was just this general air of cutesiness around her and I just thought how nice that must be for a t to have a patient like that... I bet that is the type of woman a man loves to treat.. grateful with not too many issues... It was not one of my finer moments...I got over this jealousy when I got over my fears of being in therapy and let go of those ideas... just embracing that it's not perfect yet...

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by granite1

i always compare it to syblings.most say that a parent has the ability to care about more than one child.BUT this has not ever been my experiance.my brother was treated like a prince and i was the scum on the bottom of his shoes.so i guess for me when i thought about my T having other clients it was the same thing i was the scum on the bottom of thare feet also.that is just the way it is

A good parent does have the ability to care about more than one child; a good T has the ability to care about all their clients.
I'm so sorry that your experience was like that, granite, so dysfunctional, so hurtful.....and I see how it would be something that would affect your other relationships with other people. But the truth is, that you are not scum on the bottom of anyone's feet......nor are people who are truly able to care for others in a healthy way (and Ts should certainly be safe and healthy in that way!) going to see you or treat you like that. At all.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for the great feedback so far!

As a side note, I do appreciate support being provided to those who post...but I'd like to keep this thread less about debating and more about allowing those feelings to be expressed. Feelings are not rational, irrational, right or wrong. They just are.

Thanks!

[Melbadaze]

Intellecutally I understand, but as you quite rightly point out mu, its on the emotional level that some of us struggle. I think avout T having other clients as little as possible, when I do allow myself to think about it, it makes me feel so sad and full of envious rage. i don't deny these feelings in myself because if I do that I am denying a part of myself, why would I do that? And those that do do that will also deny those feelings in others, which some posts reflect.

[Broom Hilda]

I didn't used to feel uncomfortable... that developed later. Now I feel something I oddly don't think I've felt before. Not jealousy, but..foolish. Ok, I've felt foolish before, lol. I guess this is more stream of consciousness so forgive me. I never felt foolish about feeling like T and I had a special connection until the white noise maker kept getting turned off by a T in an adjoining room who would leave for the day. I could hear the other clients and T joking. I could tell when they were hugging at the end. I heard him stop a client from leaving at the end to show off a new plant he had. One time he was gabbing so much with a client he nearly forgot to make an appointment with her and they laughed and set something up and then had a cheery goodbye. This isn't what we do... Made me feel a little less special. I started to feel a little silly that I never gave his other clients any thought. Mostly because I don't ever see them I guess. He always had so much energy he made me feel like I was the only one or at least that I was maybe a favorite and he looked forward to seeing me. Then one day he made a mistake. He's human-- I know. He said something extemely hurtful to me and even though I was crying, shaking and barely able to whisper to communicate he wouldn't let up. He had misjudged me so badly and he was so uncaring. It broke my heart. As we neared the end of the session he realized what was going on and that I was seriously harmed by him he tried to say he respected me and I just looked at him and shook my head no. I felt like even the guy I was PAYING couldn't withold being angry with my stupidity just like my family. The session ran over. I'm sure he said more to try and help me but I have no memory of what was said. I just know I mostly sat there in shock crying. When finally I left his office and the door closed I stood there for a minute. I had to catch my breath and resist the urge to just collapse to the floor and cry. I heard him open the door to his waiting room and energetically say 'hi! I am sooo sorry about that! Come on in! How are you?' and he and his other client shared a laugh. It was as though it didn't matter to him. He didn't even take a full second to gather himself. He immediately went to his next client. I didn't stand there long.. Whatever brought the other client to him was not my business. Now I do have feelings about him seeing others. I feel like I am nothing. He probably likes them more. I still wonder if he hurt me on purpose so I would stop coming because he can't stand to see me. We "fixed" things... More like I couldn't stand for him to feel guilty even though a lot of me felt he didn't. So I appeased him (as I do anybody who hurts me) so he wouldn't leave me. Acted like I forgave him and we are completely past it. Now I know I'm a fool who fell for an act. yet I'm so bonded to the core with this T that leaving him is not an option. Everytime I go see him and I am telling him about an issue I hear his uncaring words and frustration in my head, knowing that making this caring person act the way he did that day is exactly how I must have caused my dad to become out of control. And just like my sibling who was treated like she could do no wrong, I feel like that is what his other clients get. I'm the worthless piece of $&@# in his therapy family. My depression sinks deeper and deeper and I feel such shame everytime I talk to him. He shamed me for not getting better faster. While his other clients are treated like royalty. Yeah. Rationality be damned. That's how I feel.

[Sweetlove]

I never had a problem with my old T having other clients. It was a strange relationship...I wasn't attached to her, yet we were very close. She was laid off from 3 different places and I followed her every time to the next one. I knew SO much about her life...she used to talk to her daughters therapist on the phone with me in the room (she knew it was ok with me because it was an emergency) and tell me about what was going in her life. I had this feeling that because I followed her to each of her new jobs, and knew so much about her...I was her favorite. I didn't have a problem with her having other clients.

But with my current T it is a different story. I've been seeing him for a little over a year and really didn't feel like I was REALLY seeing him until about 4 months ago. Some major things happened in my life and I became extrememly dependent on him. All of a sudden I hated that he had other clients. The practice he is at is on a main road that drive quite a lot, and his office is at the front of the building, so at night when it is dark out and the lights are on in his office, I can see him sitting in front of the window facing a client. I was like "Hey, that's how he sits with me!" I always knew he had other clients but never thought of them. Now I actually saw them!

Yesterday, I was going off about possibly having to stop therapy because of my insurance running out...and I didn't think he cared, I wanted him to tell me that he didn't want me to quit. So when I was finished with my rant he said, "I don't want you to leave, I want you to keep working. I look forward to seeing you and you are the reason I do this". And suddenly, I don't care much about his other clients

[granite1]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thanks for the great feedback so far!

As a side note, I do appreciate support being provided to those who post...but I'd like to keep this thread less about debating and more about allowing those feelings to be expressed. Feelings are not rational, irrational, right or wrong. They just are.

Thanks!

so sorry mue i didnt mean it.i really am sorry

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by granite1

so sorry mue i didnt mean it.i really am sorry

(((( GRANITE ))))

Please don't apologize, because you did absolutely nothing wrong!! I'm curious to know, though, why you feel this way.

I'm at work so I haven't been able to take in everyone's feedback so far, but yours really struck home for me and makes me wonder if my childhood - being the unwanted child, with my sister being the angel - has something to do with how I feel about my relationship with T. It gives me something very valuable to consider.

(( HUGS ))

[bounceback]

I am pretty new to this board. I post occasionally but not always. If I have something to say I will post else I don't. This one hit home because this is something I struggle with. I am one who is jealous of my T's other clients. I always think she thinks they are more interesting, prettier, etc. I felt the same way in my family, like I didn't measure up, wasn't good enough. I was the smart one. My sister was the pretty one. My life isn't really interesting. I haven't done as much in my life as other people have so I think I come across as boring. My therapist means a lot to me. I want to be special to her like she is to me but knowing she has other clients makes me feel like I am just another client, just a job, not special at all which makes me sad. We are right around the same age and I wish I could be friends with her but I can't. I even go to group with some of her clients and I feel a twinge of jealousy when they mention her. I wonder if she acts the same around them. It is hard.

[with or without you]

***This is just how I deal with it...not criticizing anyone else in here***

I've never been uncomfortable with it. As a matter of fact, about once or twice my T has shared anecdotes about her other patients whose situations she finds similar to mine. The "stories" are very brief, concise, and non-identifying (of course). I find it helpful. It is irrational to think that T can only just treat me alone, like any other business, she would never be able to support herself! I know she cares about me and that's good enough for me. I do find myself wondering how she manages to keep everyone's "stories" straight! I know they read their notes before each session to refresh their memories, however.

I have a very hard time thinking that I am not the only client she sees. Since my therapist is in private practice, I rarely ever see any other clients. That helps alot. This last session, the receptionist made a comment, "She has really been busy today. One couple just left when you came in."

This threw me off a bit. It made me feel like my therapist was worn out from having so many that day. And also that a couple just left 5 minutes before I came in. I don't like that. I know that some of you have therapists that do that all day long. Mine doesn't. She normally has a 9:00, 11:00, and 1:00 appointment. I am the only one who comes in at 3:00.

This may be part of the reason I was so flat with my emotions that day. I was thinking about the other couple just being in there, and I felt like my therapist was ready to go home.

I know this sounds really immature, but it is how I feel. I don't want to know about any other clients. I wish the receptionist would not make comments like that! For some reason, that is a trigger to shut down! I am sure there is some psychological reason why I am bothered by that so much. I guess I can explore that and find out!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by with or without you

***This is just how I deal with it...not criticizing anyone else in here***

I've never been uncomfortable with it. As a matter of fact, about once or twice my T has shared anecdotes about her other patients whose situations she finds similar to mine. The "stories" are very brief, concise, and non-identifying (of course). I find it helpful. It is irrational to think that T can only just treat me alone, like any other business, she would never be able to support herself! I know she cares about me and that's good enough for me. I do find myself wondering how she manages to keep everyone's "stories" straight! I know they read their notes before each session to refresh their memories, however.

A few times, my T has shared anecdotes too (respecting confidentiality, of course) about other clients when relevant to me and what we're dealing with at that time. Stories even from 10-15 years ago. Somehow, I have found it sort of comforting to know that she remembers them after all that time.....it makes it seem more possible that she will remember me too, and this really does mean a lot to me.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Can we explore a little bit as to why we feel this way?

As a start, for me, it brings awareness of the reality that this closeness is a service that he's providing, that he's trained to provide, and it's difficult to swallow the imbalance.

It also makes me more aware of how incredibly sad I feel at the idea that I do not have a "safe" closeness in "real life" and that I've experienced so so so many unsafe relationsips, which seems so unfair.

There's much much more, but I'd like to get some input from others....

Thanks!!

Really great thread, MUE. I'm glad that you put this out there. I wish that I understood myself better in terms of this... As I was reading through what others have written, I realized that I don't have any clear understanding of why T's other clients bother me so much. It would make perfect sense if, growing up, I had been treated as less than my siblings, but actually we were all treated equally crappy, so that's not it!!

I think that what you said probably hits closest to home for me.... "it brings awareness of the reality that this closeness is a service that he's providing, that he's trained to provide, and it's difficult to swallow the imbalance." This is definitely hard for me.

I also just have an overwhelming desire to be *special* to T. I do not want to be just another patient, just another file folder in the drawer...and this is really, really big for me. Interestingly, my sister also sees my T and I have NO problems or jealousy regarding this. Maybe this is because I view him as a father figure and I am used to sharing my father with her???? I don't know.

I'm sure that it somehow goes back to my desire to be recognized and adored in that way only a parent can offer......

As I am thinking about this now, I realize that maybe it is about the anonymity too....like, my sister's relationship with him doesn't threaten me because I know her and I know her issues and what I'm *competing* with (I know that sounds so bad, but can't think of a better word). With all of the other patients, they are just these faceless nameless people that *could* be way more like-able, with bigger more important problems than me. Maybe this could be it???

This is a tricky one.....but very interesting and good to know I am not alone.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone, for the feedback! It's very helpful to see how others are experiencing this. I am not sure if I'll be discussing this topic with T during my session tomorrow, but we'll see. I'll be sure to update everyone after my session. Thanks again!

[rainbow8]

I hardly ever saw my former T's other clients due to her scheduling I suppose. For most of this year, my T never had anyone after me but lately she has so she has to end on time. She used to let me go over the time. So, I resent that I can no longer have a little "extra".

I've also seen clients leaving but that doesn't bother me so much. It was this week that it bothered me when she said "Hi" to the client in the waiting room, and I got very jealous because I don't want her talking the way she talks to me, to someone else! I know that's childish but it's the way I feel. I haven't had to think about her other clients but now I do. I don't want there to be any. I just want her all to myself!!

I didn't like when she once said, as a means to reassure me that it was okay to talk about death, "I do this all day". I felt really bad about her saying that and I told her. She understood, but the truth is she does do it all day. It's her job.

I want to forget that it's my T's job. I know I'm not "just" her job and she thinks about me a lot and she likes me. Still, I pay her to do that. I hate that fact. Seeing other clients just rubs it in. Oh, the agony and ecstasy of therapy.....

I seem to have recurring dreams about T's other clients. Usually that they are sharing my therapy space in some way - hanging out in the room, or doing therapy with another therapist on the other side of the room or whatever.

Last night I dreamt that T had moved all of his office furniture to a parking lot. It was nice because it was outside, but there were no walls. I was sitting on the couch and his next client was there an hour early - she was a new client - and she just came and plopped down on the couch next to me. So there was me, on one end of the couch, and then her, and then T was in a chair on the other side of her. I felt yucky and not safe but I keep trying to do therapy. I put a blanket over me. Lots of other people came and started milling around, and T looked at me and it was like he "got it". He stood up and led the other client to a waiting area and we went to an inside office where we could be alone and I could talk..but even there, people kept coming in the door.

I dream those sort of dreams a LOT about T - in fact, they are definitely the main thing I dream about him. Sometimes it feels like they are about all of the people I have to share T with, and maybe my fear that they somehow distract him from me...sometimes it feels like they are about the other parts of me that show up in session, and how they distract me from myself.

I KNOW I want to be T's "favorite" client, and I tell him that regularly. We talk about it - what would it mean if I was the favorite, etc. I told him it would just make me feel SAFE...like I would KNOW T was thinking "yay, here's tree!" when I showed up, and I would KNOW he loves me no matter what. T tells me that HE knows how he feels, and that he WILL love me no matter what...but somehow, it just isn't the same.

I don't want to wonder about T's other clients, but I do. I think I'm afraid that compared to them, I'm not good enough, I don't "measure up". I hate that.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I KNOW I want to be T's "favorite" client, and I tell him that regularly. We talk about it - what would it mean if I was the favorite, etc. I told him it would just make me feel SAFE...like I would KNOW T was thinking "yay, here's tree!" when I showed up, and I would KNOW he loves me no matter what. T tells me that HE knows how he feels, and that he WILL love me no matter what...but somehow, it just isn't the same.

I don't want to wonder about T's other clients, but I do. I think I'm afraid that compared to them, I'm not good enough, I don't "measure up". I hate that.

I could have written these same words. My T and I have had VERY similar conversations. I know that T does love me, too, but you're right, it isn't the same as being his *favorite"......as him saying "YOU"RE MY FAVORITE, INBLLOM!"

It's so interesting to see the way that so many of us share these same feelings and concerns. Therapy is just the craziest, strangest, most unique relationship!!!