Hard session

I had one of the hardest sessions of my life a few hours ago. It was a rough morning...got a call from my friend telling me that her grandfather passed away last night. He was just diagnosed with cancer about 3 months ago, but they gave him 6...obviously he didn't make it that long. As sad as this is for her and her family, I can't feel bad. It one of the hardest things about losing a parent when I was 19, is that I now have a hard time having sympathy for people dealing with the death of a grandparent or anyone elderly for that matter. I have a jaded view of death now.

So, after hearing that this morning, I started thinking about my dad and what his death has done to me. I have a CD that he asked me to make for him when he was dying...extremely sad, depressing songs. I listened to it after I got off the phone with my friend and on the way to therapy and sobbed.

When I got to his office, I was a wet, snotty mess. I cleaned myself up in the bathroom, but there was no hiding it. I had my head down in the waiting room when he came to get me. I was also soaked head to toe because of the gross slushy weather. For the first time I asked him if I could take my shoes off, to which he said "of course". Then I sat pretzel style on the couch..which was much better! (Someone had a thread a while ago about taking shoes off and getting comfy in therapy, and credited my comfort to that thread)

I was sniffly and stuffed up when I walked in but had my head down at first, so he asked if I was sick. But when I picked up my head he said "oh, ok". Then came the silence, he was waiting for me to explain. I told him the whole situation and how I was feeling. I also brought a book my dad left for me called "A Father's Legacy"...it is a journal-type set-up for him to tell me things about his life that I might want to know some day. My T was reading this for a while..and I was having a hard time staying present. I told him he could keep it for a while to look at when he wanted.

All of a sudden I had 20 minutes left and felt this overwhelming need to talk about my dad and try to remember the night he died. I couldn't find the words, I didn't even know what to talk about. I just knew that I was extremely emotional and I wanted to use that before I felt closed off again. I started telling him everything I remembered about that night, and what I couldn't but wish I could. I was hunched over in a ball, like caving into myself trying to be invisible. I was crying and T was very silent. I was telling him that I wish I was there when he died...what if he was looking for me or said my name...I was almost hysterical. T very quietly said my name and told me that I was torturing myself and it's things I can never know. He told me I didn't want to let him go..and I said "why would I want to?"..and he said "it's not about wanting to, it's about what you have to do to go on". I was crying even more, still with my head down and he got up very slowly and handed me the tissue box, which was right next to me. I felt embarressed because I didn't realize how messy and gross I was. We just sat there in silence for a couple minutes with the sound of my sniffling and trying to calm down. Then he said we had to stop and it was ok...it was so raw and terrible that I needed to walk away.

I feel empty, my eyes still burn from crying so much...it feels like I was gutted and then stuffed back together just to make it until my next session. The fun part is that this only the beginning...we just touched the surface today.

I'm wanting to call my T but I've never done that, I already see him twice a week. I was hoping I could get some inspirational or helpful words..or possibly just hugs on here instead. Anything anyone can spare...

Sweetlove - I wish I had something inspirational to share. I don't. Your story brought tears to my eyes. Losing someone we love is awful and the grief remains for so long. I so feel for you and I feel for me and I feel for all of us.

I have lost my dear father also. One thing that helped was a friend who told me to think of the ways he lives on in me, and the ways that I can honor him and be connected with him by thinking of those things, and celebrating him. And I find that this has really helped. He does live on in me, and I find that I honor that and celebrate him by remembering those things, and by doing things that have made him happy.

I hope that doesn't sound like garbage. It is a Buddhist practice called: Touching the Earth, and it really helped. It made me understand that we are still together, he is still part of me. No, I have never let my father go.

I'll offer lots of hugs. Grief is so very hard, especially when you feel guilty or have put off grieving for a very long time.

I understand what you're feeling. I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I'm still trying to figure it out myself. When I finally decided to let myself grieve for my brother, the most helpful thing for me was to write him a letter with everything I was feeling...the guilt, the anger, the sadness, etc. Then, I tossed my letter in the fireplace and watched it burn...watched everything go up in flames and smoke and let go of a little of those emotions.

Oh, Sweetlove. BIG HUGS to you.....

I still have not fully grieved for the sudden death of my father, feel guilt and torture myself for things relating to his death....so I can relate to what you're going through, and it is utterly gut-wrenching.

I have not worked through this in my therapy yet, but during the times that I've touched on it in therapy, my T told me similar things - about torturing myself and trying to control things or take blame for things that are completely out of my control.

It's so hard to let go....I hope to be at a place someday where I can willingly let go. The thought alone hits me at the core in a painful way, so it's hard to imagine.

Giving you big hugs, Sweetlove....

tons of huge hugs to you! you were brave today. I know it's so hard and hurts so much right now and I'm sorry it's like this for you, but think of this as the beginning of a journey that will be healing...

You're very sweet...thank you.

That's not garbarge...thank you, I'm going to look into that.
I have LOTS of guilt AND put the grief off for a very long time...he died 3 years ago and I'm just processing it. The letter is a good idea...my T mentioned something like that and writing usually helps a lot. I like the idea of burning it after too..thank you!
Thank you for all of your hugs...they were recieved! "Gut-wrenching" is the perfect word. I'm not even thinking about letting go yet..I just want to start dealing with it and accept it. It takes more work than I ever could fathom.
Thank you for your hugs too! Your right about the healing...that is the light of the very long, dark, rough tunnel.

wow....I'm feeling for you, a lot. How did it feel to have that emotional stuff come up?

sometimes that stuff feels good...sometimes it is just overwhelming.

(((((((((((((((Sweetlove)))))))))))))))

I lost my dad almost 7 years ago, and I find that the grief comes in waves, at the strangest times. Just today, I was driving with one of my sons, and I said "I can't BELIEVE Pop Pop died", and my son said "if he was here, he's be SO proud of me at baseball" (my son is a big baseball player), and I just felt so sad.

The days before he died and the day he died are still difficult to remember. It's just painful, painful stuff.

There is something cleansing about grieving, though. I know that right now you feel raw and awful, but I hope that later, you might feel some of the peace that comes from letting ourselves feel our feelings. And if you don't, that's okay too. Grieving is what it is, and it honestly takes the time it takes.

I'm glad you had T today. Even though it was painful, you didn't have to go through it alone.

Sending SO many hugs

Well, It was rough. My dad was very ill for a long time and knew a lot of people. So, I've told his story many times and have become sort of immune to certain parts. It's the stuff I don't talk about a lot and the enormous guilt I feel that is so overwhelming and exausting!

Thanks Zoo..many hugs back.
Tree...I love what your son said. I work in a daycare and live for what they say..they are my kids. I hope I find peace one day...it has been so long since I've had it and I need it badly.

I'm glad I had T today too...it was impeccable timing. When I first sat down I told him I felt like crap and I shouldn't have come. He said "Is your stomach bothering you? Do you have headache? Does your leg, arm, eye, ear, face hurt you? I said "no". He said "Then you feel emotional pain and that means you come here"...one of my favorite T quotes to date.

Just in case anyone was still reading this I had a quick question to follow up with my session.

I was kind of hoping my T would call and check on my because I was an emotional mess when I left. How common is it for a T to call and check on a client after a particularly hard session...like if they had never seen a client act like that before? Has your T ever done that?

As much as I would love for T to check on me when he knows I'm in a bad place, I KNOW he wouldn't...and he hasn't...ever. Perhaps it's one of his boundaries, and I'm ok with that. It leaves me knowing never to expect it, and that's somewhat relieving to know.

I used to wish T would call and check on me, but it's not how the boundaries of our therapy relationship work. If I call him and ask, he will always call me back. And we leave each other voice mails after each session, so I guess he can express whatever he wants to on those.

I think he called me one time...during a period where he was concerned that I needed to be in the hospital. He actually called and said something like "I just wanted to check and make sure that I have your appointment time right in my book", which was so silly, because I have always had standing appointments. So, I said yes, and then he asked how I was doing, and we talked for a little while. That was nice, but way, way, WAY not how it usually works.

If you need support, could you call T??

Thanks guys...I would love to call him but I never have. I guess I just feel like I see him twice a week and that should be enough. The only reason I want to now is because I had a rough session yesterday and I still feel horrible. I was just triggered out of the blue and I can't talk to anyone about it. I'm not sure what I want T to say...maybe nothing. Even though says on his voicemail at work "if this is a clinical emergency and after hours I can be reached on my cell" but, he has never actually said to me "call me if you need to"...so I feel a little wierd about it.

I know this doesn't help right NOW while you're triggered (and I'm sorry you're triggered ), but can you ask T about his phone policy next time you see him??

It helped me to have SOME idea of what was okay. I asked, and T didn't give me a ton of information, but enough to know that it was okay to call and leave a message and he would call me back when he could. I also asked him really early in therapy if I could e-mail once a week between sessions, and he said we could try it, because he had never used e-mail with a client before. It was a little nightmarish while we both tried to figure out the boundaries, expectations, etc. around the e-mail, but in the end, it feels really comfortable now. Calling is still scary (after 3 1/2 years!), but I know I can if I need to, and I do sometimes.

I felt a lot more comfortable once we had the conversation, just knowing what the options were.

I hope you feel better, sweetlove

So I called, let it ring once and hung up...such a wimp. I just couldn't do it. I'm not sure if it actually went through enough to see that I called, but I'm sure he won't call back.

Thanks Tree..I'm going to do that when I see him Tuesday. I need to know for sure what is available to me in an emergency. I'm not sure about the email...I think I would like it but it may open a whole new can of worms...I don't need the added stress of worrying what I said or how it sounds. I may bring it up though...just like "have you ever emailed with a client"..and see what he says...I'll be sure to report back

I know it's hard. I've been seeing my T for over 2 years and I STILL try to never ever ever call him because it's so anxiety provoking for me. I have no problem emailing him...or seeing him and talking to him...but calling him - YIKES. I don't know why that is so much harder for me.

And when I do call, it takes a lot of rings/hang-ups before I actually follow through with it....

(((((MUE)))))

I am the same way! Why is talking on the phone so much harder than in person? I just picture my T either holding the phone away from his ear rolling his eyes, or setting it down while he is watching tv or eating dinner..I don't know I just hate that I can't see what is going on at the other end!

I think it will take many more tries before I actually go through with it...Maybe next time I will let it ring twice

"let it ring twice"...LOL.

(((((sweetlove))))) I am just now reading this because I have been in such a suckish space myself, but I just wanted to say that I care and I understand the grief. I am really struggling to deal with the grief of losing a couple of people very dear to me and I think that Treehouse described it very well when she says that it comes in waves. It does, and some days are just better and more manageable than others.

I also wanted to respond in regards to T calling to check on you. I asked my T about this once, and he said that the reason he doesn't do this is because he doesn't want to send the message that he thinks I am incapable of handling things myself. He said that I can call if I need too, and he will call me back, but that I need to reach out for that (which I hate to do also, by the way). I think that most T's are this way.

Hoping that you find some peace.

Thanks Inbloom...it comes in waves for sure..more like tidal waves that last for weeks then goes away for months and once again make their triumphant return...its a fun cycle.

Your probably right about the phone thing with T's. I kind of like what your t said..that seems like a legitimate reason to not call us first...although sometimes I wish they didn't trust us that much

Well I decided to ask T today about the phone policy. I asked him what he considers to be a "clinical emergency".

I had a rough night on Saturday and ended up resorting to some unhealthy things, but almost blacking out and being VERY foggy and unstable. He said that he would call that a clinical emergency.

He said he wants me to call whenver I want. Although he wants to be realistic about what he can offer me. He may not always have his phone on him..he doesn't sleep next to it or keep it on him 24/7. He does check it a few times during the day (we were mostly talking about weekends) and returns every message. So, basically I can call him when I need to, but be prepared that he might not always be available. He will always call me back and do whatever he can to help.

Overall, I'm happy with what he said...even though I'm sure I won't call, I'm glad I know it's there if I need it. Just thought I would share since I know phone contact can be a touchy issue with some people. Thanks for the support and feeback

Sooo sorry you had such a hard session, Sweet love. Really glad you were able to touch base with t, sounds like he cares a lot about helping you.