[mixedup_emotions]

I am a mess right now, and I’m just posting this to get it out there somewhere to see if I can try to understand it – or if anyone can help me understand where all this is coming from.

I posted on the group T blog and stated the following to the co-facilitator, “I feel like I’m beating a dead horse, but I’m curious to know why you didn’t put the placeholder post up on Tuesday night. I’m wondering if it’s out of spite, or because it’s just not important enough to you, or if there’s some other reason why you’re unable to be consistent with that commitment. It helps me feel as though you are not committed to the needs of the group – or at least my needs, in particular. If you’re unable to post it on Tuesday, then perhaps another solution can be found. I’d be more than happy to take that on, however that would mean that blog posts would be emailed to me which I don’t feel is ideal.”

He responded saying, “I was overly optimistic about getting the notes up early this week and had hoped that the placeholder would not be necessary. I do apologize and will put the placeholder in following Tuesday night’s session.”

I thanked him for his response.

My ex then texted me because he got the psych eval done per court order, and he said that he believes I will be pleased with the outcome and that the report will be provided to me and my attorney this week. He also said that he is hoping that our daughter can go with him on Saturday to celebrate his dad’s birthday. I responded to my ex that I am relieved, that I look forward to getting the report, and I will keep Saturday open so that our daughter can spend time with him and his family.

I then felt such incredible sadness….such guilt….for having him go through this awful mess, because I decided to call the cops that night, get the restraining order, demand supervised visitation, demand the psych eval. I feel so so so awful about it, even though I KNOW that HE was the one who brought it on himself by doing what he did that night. And even though I realize that he needs to be held accountable for his own actions, I still feel like he’s that little boy who doesn’t know any better…and my heart just cries for him. There are parts of him that I miss, and parts of him that I want so desperately to help and nurture and love.

And then, all of a sudden, I felt TERRIBLE about posting that note to the co-facilitator. I started feeling guilty about putting him on the spot like that, for not being more caring or softer, or more understanding.

ACK!!!

Then, I’ve been sitting here STILL with an awful migraine, looking out my front window to see my neighbor across the street – the one who violated me – packing up his truck…and they finally moved. This man is an alcoholic who does not leave the house, and I saw him get in the truck with his girlfriend and drive to their new home over an hour away. He will now be a hermit in his new house, not right across the street from me. I just started bawling my eyes out. All this emotion is overwhelming. He’s finally gone. Finally. Yet, this emotion does not feel good at all. It’s gut wrenching pain as opposed to relief. Or maybe that’s what the relief is supposed to feel like? Or maybe it’s just all that pent up fear and sadness and pain and yuck just pouring out…

I feel so messed up right now.

Oh MUE, you have so much going on right now, I wish I could reach you to hug you

It sounds like you are working so hard to deal with things skilfully but they just keep coming and coming at you. At the moment you are feeling very responsible for everyone else's actions and feelings and the consequences. Perhaps you act skilfully by tackling things head on, then feel guilty for doing so?

Can you be gentle with yourself? Keep reminding yourself that in each of these situations, you have done what you thought was wise and skilful? Try to notice the feelings of guilt, and then notice that that doesn't really belong to you and let it gently go?

I'm sorry you are still suffering with your poor head. It must make everything so much worse. Is there any way you could step back from things a bit? It's good to try to deal with things, but we don't need to deal with things constantly, to the detriment of our health. Perhaps you need to prioritise taking a break and looking after yourself?

[mixedup_emotions]

Aww, thanks, Improving....

I am taking in your feedback and appreciate your support. I am trying to just let go of this need to control things in my life. There are just things that are outside of my control, and I feel like I'm scrambling to regain control....I need to be ok with what is. I'm trying to do that, but it's really really hard. I am also trying to let go of feeling responsible for others...that, too, is difficult for me. I've suffered for so long, to try to make others happy, to the detriment of my health and well-being. Yet, when I gained the courage to do what's healthy for me, it feels so awful. Blech.

[SpiritRunner]

I agree with Improving's post, Mue....you have done well and handled these things with courage and skill and stood up for yourself and your needs. I actually understand the guilt that comes even when you've done the right thing for yourself and your needs; it feels like you've hurt someone or been selfish, but it's emotion and not fact. There's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about, these aren't situations where those emotions belong or serve you any use. And it could be your that aching head is making it all seem worse than it is....or thinking about it too hard makes your head hurt more. So.....yes, be gentle with yourself, rest from this right now. It's OK to take a break from solving and worrying about things and being in control. Maybe with some rest some of the emotions will untangle themselves and ebb away....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

I agree with Improving's post, Mue....you have done well and handled these things with courage and skill and stood up for yourself and your needs. I actually understand the guilt that comes even when you've done the right thing for yourself and your needs; it feels like you've hurt someone or been selfish, but it's emotion and not fact. There's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about, these aren't situations where those emotions belong or serve you any use. And it could be your that aching head is making it all seem worse than it is....or thinking about it too hard makes your head hurt more. So.....yes, be gentle with yourself, rest from this right now. It's OK to take a break from solving and worrying about things and being in control. Maybe with some rest some of the emotions will untangle themselves and ebb away....

Thanks, poet....

I appreciate your understanding. I am going to take your advice and rest from this right now. I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. So, I am forcing myself to get the rest that I so desperately need.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am trying to just let go of this need to control things in my life.

This is so huge MUE, and such an incredibly difficult thing to do. I think that sometimes, it IS just about embracing the chaos, and sort of trusting that you WILL find your way out, and that you DO have the wisdom and the strength necessary to get you through and to the place you need to be.....even if you don't even know where that place is yet.

Guilt is a huge one for me too. I tend to ruminate about things that I've done and decisions I've made, and analyze every little thing trying to decide if I should have/could have done things differently/better, etc.... It's hard to let go of the guilt, but sometimes it's helpful for me to just keep reminding myself that worrying about it, and beating myself up is not going to change what has already happened....I can't go back in time and make different choices and/or behave in different ways. What I do have control over is right now, and my actions and decisions in the future. Something my T told me once is, if you spend time focused and worrying about the past, you miss what you have in the present. This stuck with me because I am so tired of missing my life....the good things especially. I don't know if this helps any but I wanted to just share my experience and let you know that I can understand.

Also, it sounds like you have a ton going on....maybe agree to give yourself some time and space to think, reflect, and let your thoughts sort themselves out. Sometimes chaos and pain tends to pile atop chaos and pain and we need some time to just unjumble our thoughts and find our footing. It's ok to take that time and to be in that place.

[Sweetlove]

((((MUE))))

I can't give much advice, I have more guilt than I know what to do with. I know it is easier said then done, but try not to be so hard on yourself...you are NOT messed up!

I hope you start to feel much better physically and emotionally...take care of yourself. Lots of hugs

[PTSDlovemycats]

MUE -((HUGS))
Wow so much in u are so little time eh? It sounds like your emotions are all coming at once right now. I think from what I can gather you are dealing with both grieving and guilt. Yucky combo. I wouldn't worry about that email about the group therapy, With your ex I believe that you did what was right for you and your family at that time. No need to feel guilty about it. As for the hermit, Halleluja!! You will get through this MUE, I have got faith in you as you are VERY strong!!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks everyone for the support. I have a lot of other things going on too that I'm sure are impacting it...like my boss hating me, layoff time is coming up and I'm suspicious that I'll be laid off....knowing that I have to deal with my medical issues - and being a single mom with a house - maybe not having a job - is just adding to the stress.

But, this morning, I am feeling somewhat better. Less crazy, anyway.

Thanks so much for being there for me.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thanks everyone for the support. I have a lot of other things going on too that I'm sure are impacting it...like my boss hating me, layoff time is coming up and I'm suspicious that I'll be laid off....knowing that I have to deal with my medical issues - and being a single mom with a house - maybe not having a job - is just adding to the stress.

But, this morning, I am feeling somewhat better. Less crazy, anyway.

Thanks so much for being there for me.

(((((((MUE)))))))) Wishing you lots and lots of peace

So glad you felt a bit better this morning. Hope your day has gone ok. Thinking of you still

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I still feel like he’s that little boy who doesn’t know any better…and my heart just cries for him. There are parts of him that I miss, and parts of him that I want so desperately to help and nurture and love.

Or you need him to be a little boy who doesn't know any better?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Or you need him to be a little boy who doesn't know any better?

Wow, Sannah, I never thought of it that way....

Perhaps I needed to see him as a little boy who didn't know better, to somehow deal with the dissonance...

I emailed T when I was having this meltdown, and he said that perhaps we could explore my deep seated guilt that seems to be prevalent in every area of my life. I wonder what that will uncover, and I truly hope that it helps me see my ex as who he really is and not that little boy anymore. I need that, desperately.

((((((((((((((MUE))))))))))))))))))

Lots and lots of hugs and support to you

[PTSDlovemycats]

MUE! (((HUGS))) I hope that you are doing a bit better now!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Perhaps I needed to see him as a little boy who didn't know better, to somehow deal with the dissonance...

I emailed T when I was having this meltdown, and he said that perhaps we could explore my deep seated guilt that seems to be prevalent in every area of my life. I wonder what that will uncover, and I truly hope that it helps me see my ex as who he really is and not that little boy anymore. I need that, desperately.

Sounds like a very productive area to explore MUE!