[Suratji]

I have this unreasonable hope and fantasy of T. I keep wishing she would give me more time. Even she admitted today that 50 minutes is not enough.

In my fantasy, she would say to me, "Suratji, I see that you have a lot on your mind and I would like you to stay each session an extra 30 minutes without charge. Also, I think it would be good for you to be able to email me regularly with your thoughts and feelings. And don't hesitate to leave voice messages as often as you'd like"

Man, I would feel like I had died and gone to heaven if that fantasy ever came true.

[WePow]

Why don't you just tell her this! Even if the option is not offered, there is something very important to your desire for this.

[Suratji]

Oh, man, I couldn't never tell her this. It would trigger a couple of my deepest issues: fear of rejection and a deep fear of crossing anybody's boundaries.

Yike, my stomach just gets sick thinking about addressing this to her. Uh, no thanks

[granite1]

have you ever asked your t if you could meet for 90 min maybe it is a possability.i know how scared asking for these things are but maybe you can write it in a letter and give it to her

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by granite1

have you ever asked your t if you could meet for 90 min maybe it is a possability.i know how scared asking for these things are but maybe you can write it in a letter and give it to her

Oh, yes, I can have double sessions whenever I want but that will be $160.00 instead of $80.00. She will also fit me in as many times a week as I'd like to go. If I could afford it I would be in her office at least 2x per week.

My fantasy is more about her offering me something of herself. She did do that once when she invited me to stay a few minutes longer because I was in the middle of something quite emotional. I couldn't stay longer than 5 or 6 minutes because I am so so so so conscious of boundaries.

[ECHOES]

What if you share this with her as a fantasy, and without the expectation of it becoming reality once it's spoken out loud?

Whew, I have shared a few fantasies with my T that I wouldn't expect to come true, but it was hard because they were my wishes! Still, it is a good experience.

[Elli-Beth]

When I had the horrible miserable day on Monday my T let me stay an extra 15 with him, then an extra session on Tuesday. I needed it SO badly to get through the current mess, but I don't want to get used to it because then it wouldn't be as special for when I might have another emergency later on.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

What if you share this with her as a fantasy, and without the expectation of it becoming reality once it's spoken out loud?

Whew, I have shared a few fantasies with my T that I wouldn't expect to come true, but it was hard because they were my wishes! Still, it is a good experience.

No, I can't because if she knew I had the fantasy and even if I knew it could never come true, the very fact that she knew about it and wouldn't fulfill it would be the worst rejection I can imagine.

Were the fantasies you shared with your T fantasies about what you would wish that he would do?

[ECHOES]

Yes, my fantasies were about my T. It was hard the first few times, then when I realized she and I were going to talk about them as fantasies and take a look at what they meant, it was not as hard. She fully understood that it was hard for me and beautifully guided the focus to what needed to be looked at. Even though the reality was painful, she never diminished nor neglected the pain I felt, so I felt care for and not rejected.

[learning1]

thanks for writing about this Suratji. I'm relating to it in a way and it helps to read what to do about it- even if you don't think you're doing anything- putting it in words is farther than I probably had gotten.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Yes, my fantasies were about my T. It was hard the first few times, then when I realized she and I were going to talk about them as fantasies and take a look at what they meant, it was not as hard. She fully understood that it was hard for me and beautifully guided the focus to what needed to be looked at. Even though the reality was painful, she never diminished nor neglected the pain I felt, so I felt care for and not rejected.

I guess this is proof I don't trust my T completely. I don't know how I could not feel rejected if she would still deny my fantasy.

Can anybody act like a T and tell me how you would respond to me if I shared this fantasy with you?

[lastyearisblank]

"Why suratji, that's fascinating. But before I answer your question, what do YOU think I would say about your fantasy.?"

Sorry...

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

"Why suratji, that's fascinating. But before I answer your question, what do YOU think I would say about your fantasy.?"

Sorry...

You, as my T, would say, "Listen, Suratji, we have been over boundaries in the past and can't you finally understand how beneficial and helpful it is for you to maintain these boundaries."

And I would think - "yeah, sure, they work for you"

And then you would continue to explain to me the rules of the therapeutic relationship. And it would be pointed out to me that, like usual, I expect too much from people and I hope they would voluntarily be there for me and it's very good I brought this up at this time because it's an issue we need to continue to address.

And I would think, "Yep, it's my fault again. I care too deeply."

[dizgirl2011]

I can very much relate to your fantasy also (((huge hugs)))...it's kind of like, even though we know the likihood of it happening is so slim, we keep holding out hope for these things.

I have fantasies about being with my T long term for as long as I feel I need or want, that my T would tell me I was important to her, that I got a hug or some form of affection when I am crying my eyes out over something, that she would share a little more of herself, that she would extend the session, that she would reply to contacts made between sessions and accept them as normal, ah the list is endless.....and probably more chance of pigs flying for me

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Suratji

You, as my T, would say, "Listen, Suratji, we have been over boundaries in the past and can't you finally understand how beneficial and helpful it is for you to maintain these boundaries."

And I would think - "yeah, sure, they work for you"

And then you would continue to explain to me the rules of the therapeutic relationship. And it would be pointed out to me that, like usual, I expect too much from people and I hope they would voluntarily be there for me and it's very good I brought this up at this time because it's an issue we need to continue to address.

And I would think, "Yep, it's my fault again. I care too deeply."

Forgive me for being skeptical about how a T could make it be o.k. I agree with you that this situation could never feel good.

[lastyearisblank]

Sorry, I can not "thanks for this" this. It implies that your T is not meeting your needs because it's somehow your fault for wanting too much. And it's not!

Originally Posted by Suratji

You, as my T, would say, "Listen, Suratji, we have been over boundaries in the past and can't you finally understand how beneficial and helpful it is for you to maintain these boundaries."

And I would think - "yeah, sure, they work for you"

And then you would continue to explain to me the rules of the therapeutic relationship. And it would be pointed out to me that, like usual, I expect too much from people and I hope they would voluntarily be there for me and it's very good I brought this up at this time because it's an issue we need to continue to address.

And I would think, "Yep, it's my fault again. I care too deeply."

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Sorry, I can not "thanks for this" this. It implies that your T is not meeting your needs because it's somehow your fault for wanting too much. And it's not!

I had a weird session today after my 12 day drought. It seemed to go o.k. but I had a gnawing sense that something wasn't right.

So, I left a message on her phone telling her that and then I asked her, "Were you there?" Now I have no idea why I said that because there was nothing out of the ordinary today except that she had a cold.

Then 10 minutes later I left another message apologizing for the 1st one. I said that I wasn't feeling good about the session and my m.o. is to find someone to blame and who else but T ?

[rainbow8]

I understand your fantasies. But, won't your T let you email your feelings and/or leave voice messages? I don't think that's a fantasy, but a realistic need for you. I'm sorry she won't let you email as much as you need to. You just left her 2 messages. Will she be upset with you for them?

I think it's important to tell our Ts what fantasies we have about them. I never did that freely with my other Ts, but I do with this one. It helps to know that she accepts them. She really liked my fantasy about being a baby kangeroo and staying in her pouch all day! She made me feel that it's okay to have such fantasies about her, and made me not obsess about them.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Suratji

I had a weird session today after my 12 day drought. It seemed to go o.k. but I had a gnawing sense that something wasn't right.

So, I left a message on her phone telling her that and then I asked her, "Were you there?" Now I have no idea why I said that because there was nothing out of the ordinary today except that she had a cold.

Then 10 minutes later I left another message apologizing for the 1st one. I said that I wasn't feeling good about the session and my m.o. is to find someone to blame and who else but T ?

well, the cold made her 'different'.....maybe made her seem less present somehow, or off. It has been like that for me sometimes when my T had a cold, or sometimes she was tired and was somehow a little bit off, not quite what I expected...
And then, I have been going long enough now to know that there are just sessions sometimes that feel off, not satisfying somehow....it just is that way sometimes. It is generally better the next time, especially if we talk about it....it might something that was said, too, or something not said....but to talk about it in the next session helps.

Back to your original fantasy, I have been wishing I could have 90 minutes, but I think my T only does 45 or 60 minutes. She has never said anything about 90 and I feel too hesitant to ask.....but I wish I could sometimes! But what it is, is that I just want more time with her sometimes, and it feels selfish to me somehow, a selfish desire, wanting more of T.....though I do sometimes have lots of stuff, a genuine need of more time, I think....

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Sorry, I can not "thanks for this" this. It implies that your T is not meeting your needs because it's somehow your fault for wanting too much. And it's not!

I just thought of something. You know how transference works - we somehow apply our issues onto our T's and they can then more easily point things out to us because it's in the here and now with them and it's more easily seen by both of us.

It just dawned on me that my fantasy is that someone in RL would notice a need of mine without me telling them and provide for me happily - That I would be noticed and cared for.

It doesn't take away from the fantasy I still have about what T could do, though

[rainbow8]

I always wished I could have more than 50 or 60 minute sessions, and it was a sort of fantasy but also a real need. When I asked my T and she agreed to 90 minutes, I was in shock. I still am. It's the best gift (though I pay more for it) that she ever could give me. poetgirl, I don't think it's a selfish wish. Some of us process things more slowly, and need the time. I used to feel SO frustrated with my former T after 50 minutes! I hated it. I was never ready to leave. It's different now, with more time. I don't think 50 minutes is long enough, though I know the reason. An hour is considered enough, but the T needs time in between. But 50 minutes is NOT enough, in my opinion. Sorry for going off topic, but I feel strongly about this subject!!!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I always wished I could have more than 50 or 60 minute sessions, and it was a sort of fantasy but also a real need. When I asked my T and she agreed to 90 minutes, I was in shock. I still am. It's the best gift (though I pay more for it) that she ever could give me. poetgirl, I don't think it's a selfish wish. Some of us process things more slowly, and need the time. I used to feel SO frustrated with my former T after 50 minutes! I hated it. I was never ready to leave. It's different now, with more time. I don't think 50 minutes is long enough, though I know the reason. An hour is considered enough, but the T needs time in between. But 50 minutes is NOT enough, in my opinion. Sorry for going off topic, but I feel strongly about this subject!!!

I would do it if I had an extra $320.00 a month laying around. It already feels too self-indulgent to pay the $320.00 I'm paying right now. Again, not that T doesn't deserve it, she does, but I just can't afford it.

[lastyearisblank]

That's awesome! Tell her this!

It just dawned on me that my fantasy is that someone in RL would notice a need of mine without me telling them and provide for me happily - That I would be noticed and cared for.

I used to have this fantasy of going to sleep in therapy. It was because I couldn't sleep!

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry for not being more sensitive. My former T charged $130/hr. and didn't take insurance. That was for 50 minutes. I'm still resentful about her fee. I never could have afforded more than 50 minutes. I know it's impossible when you have to pay so much for a regular session! I had to cut down to every 2 weeks with that T because of the money.

When I chose my new T, I only considered someone who was under my insurance so the extra 30 minutes isn't so much extra.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by Suratji

I just thought of something. You know how transference works - we somehow apply our issues onto our T's and they can then more easily point things out to us because it's in the here and now with them and it's more easily seen by both of us.

It just dawned on me that my fantasy is that someone in RL would notice a need of mine without me telling them and provide for me happily - That I would be noticed and cared for.

It doesn't take away from the fantasy I still have about what T could do, though

Your therapist would want to know this, as it is something you two could work towards -- i.e. how to communicate this need in your real life.