Painful Fantasy of T

Lol, I've definitely been there! This one time I thought my T was firing me, and so I called and was like, "Is therapy over?" (I didn't schedule a next session during the session because it felt like we had a fight). And then I was like, wait, what if he thinks I'm firing him from that message, because we didn't even talk about it???? So I called AGAIN and was like, "whatever it is, can we work it out." And my T called me back and was like "What on earth? No. No, therapy is not over. I think. I'm pretty sure." And I was like GOOD.

But yeah I think we iron out the wrinkles by experience. I would NEVER do that in real life, so it gave me a chance to figure out what is ACTUALLY going on in real life, when I suddenly decide one of my friends hates me and never bother to follow up.

So shouldn't our T's be keenly aware of our anxiety and do something to help? I think you're right - I shouldn't call her again. This will be a test to see how in tune she is to my fears. If she cannot at least follow up with me when it's obvious I'm anxious, how can I expect her to really be able to help me with my other issues? How will I be able to trust her again?

((((((((((((Suratji))))))))))))

For many T's, this is a boundary of therapy. They will not called unless the client specifically asks for a call. It's not because they aren't worried, or because they don't care, or they're not attuned. It's because it is up to the client to ask for what they need. Therapists can't read our minds, and no matter how badly we want them to call, they need to hear it from us.

When I have been in these moments and have finally forced myself to call T and say "I need you to call, I can't stand this", he always says "I'm glad you asked for a call". They want to help us, AND the relationship is what it is.

Give your T a chance to help you.

If you want your t to call, you have to tell her to call you. Otherwise, she probably won't. That isn't about caring or not caring. It is a professional boundary.

Sounds dreamy

Suratji, this thread started with your painful fantasy of wanting your T to offer you extra time without you asking for it. You wanted her to anticipate your need. And you are back there again, revolving around the same issue. I think that this must be very important to you, because, as you see, you have created a situation now (though not consciously) where your T needs to anticipate your need to show that she cares. Unless she calls she isn't a good enough T. It seems to me that this issue had to come up for you, and it will be around botherig you until you take it up with T -- and that's where all this seems to be going. It is knocking on your door and begging to be discussed. You can put it off infinitely but I can predict that it will surface again. It came up in the transference but this is also about your real life relationships and your fear of rejection, as you have pointed out earlier. This fear of rejection seems to be bringing lots of painful emotions into your current interactions with others.

yep, I agree, this says what I was thinking too, and says it well.

I can't believe how weird this is - hashing out my personal issues here in public. But it's great getting such wonderful feedback.

I know you're all correct in your assessment of the situation. These feelings I have now are, of course, indicative of suppressed feelings I've had in RL.

I've read that this is where the magic of attachment to T is so valuable - that it spotlights in much clearer detail our emotional landscape.

Yes, it's true - I have felt severely emotionally neglected my whole life but hadn't realized to what extent I suffered from it until just now. I mean, it makes no sense how I'm reacting to T except what I've read about transference.

Even though I understand that's what's going on, I have allowed it to be felt because I desperately want to know what's going on with me. (transference occurs even if it's not erotic; I think some people believe it's only the 'in love' part of transference but it's actually the playing out of our issues onto the T.)

I know I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I know I'm over-reacting but T has encouraged me to really tap deeply into my emotions. I had kept them bottled up for so many years and didn't even know I had emotions. I even blamed her a couple of weeks ago for making me 'go crazy'.

I'm just reading a book "Attachment in Psychotherapy" David J. Walling - a quite clinical book for psychotherapists, that the attachment to T allows the patient to change. "Such a relationship provides a secure base that enables the patient to take the risk of feeling what he not supposed to feel..."

"The therapist's role here is to help the patient both to deconstruct the attachment patterns of the past and to construct new ones in the present. Patterns played out in our first attachments are reflected subsequently not only in the ways we relate to others, but also in our habits of feeling and thinking.

"Correspondingly, the patient's relationship with the therapist has the potential to generate fresh patterns of affect regulation and thought, as well as attachment.

"The therapeutic relationship is a developmental crucible within which the patient's relation to his own experience of internal and external reality can be fundamentally transformed."

I guess I see in myself that I have enough trust in T to be able to finally allow myself to feel feelings that 'I am not supposed to feel.'

And so, I do see the benefit of all of this emotional turmoil, I think I understand why it's happening. My challenge is to see it through and not lose courage to face my fears. I'm not sure I'll be able to do that but I have hope.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your suggestions and comments. They have helped me so much

Just wanted to say thanks again for posting about this (even if it feels weird to post it in public). I'm still identifying with lots of things you're writing in some ways, including the thing about it feeling funny to post about personal issues on this forum. Also the thing about balancing intellectual (detached?) understanding of what's happening with letting yourself actually feel it when it hurts. I'm kind of nervous myself, along with you, about whether your t supports you the way you need... not that I think there's any reason she wouldn't. take care

I'm pretty sure I asked T to let me know as soon as possible if she's wanting to terminate when I left message last night and she still hasn't returned my call.

Maybe that means she isn't wanting to terminate. I'm having the craziest emotions right now. I'm feeling like I want revenge and next week at session I just won't be my normal free-flowing talkative self. That she'll have to do the talking. That will show her!! What the hey am I thinking? This is so irrational, even I am blown away. Boy, am I ever working out RL dynamics with her!!

I am also a confirmed stalker. Her office is 2 minutes from my house and on the way home tonight I drove the block off just to see if her car was parked there. Even considering how embarrassed I'd be if she happened to see me driving by didn't deter me. Stalking is against the law, right?

Yep, and another amazing emotion appeared in my body. I was jealous that she was with another client. Man oh man, what is going on with me?? If anyone who knows me knew my crazy thoughts now, they would go running for the hills to get as far away from me as possible.

Sorry you're having such a hard time Suratji .
I really think you're going to feel better once you talk to her. But I've been in a place like where you've been before and I remember being overwhelmed, unable to stop obsessing about it, etc. When is your next session?

Not until next Friday. But I think I'll spend tomorrow, Saturday, at the beach trying to write my first Haiku. I am very motivated to let the emotion of fear/anxiety be gone (buried? released?repressed?forgotten?).

I will chase the seagulls. I will gather seashells. I will feel the ocean breeze on my face. I will let myself be transported by the soothing rhythm of the surf coming again and again. I will open myself to that which is larger than me, that is within me, that which beckons me... and try to leave my small self on the curb.

Gosh. I wish that I could actually have a therapist to meet with once a week. Anyone know how to go about that in the UK?

hope you're enjoying yourself and feeling more relaxed Suratji. That sounds nice.

Well, I spent the day in seclusion at home instead. It was a mindful day. Running away to the beach, for me now, would have been running away. I read a lot about psychotherapy and was able to find some real insight about my situation.

The problem with insight though, is that it uses the rational part of the brain. Being emotional and being rational are 2 different things. The insight though is something I'll take to T next week, if I have enough courage, and maybe we can work through it.

And even though my rational brain doesn't believe T wants to terminate and even though I suspect I know why I feel she does (based on old patterns of emotion, not her actions), still I worry about it.

So, I left her another message tonight telling her that I just realized that a therapist probably cannot ethically tell a client over the telephone that they want to terminate. So, I told her that even if that is true, it's still better to call than to let a client wait a whole week to find out.

It is so silly and stupid feeling this way but T told me in last session when I was going to talk about something I thought was stupid, she told me to put my rational brain to the side and just listen to the emotional part.

So, that's what I'm doing and I expect it to be a gold mine of material for her to work with (if she doesn't terminate) next week.

It will be a gold mine and she will not terminate you.....but I think she will want to discuss how you have been feeling about that....

Suratji,
Call your t on Monday and say this;

"T.....I have called you and left 3 messages now and they have all been unreturned. I can not be certain that I requested you to call me back. I am calling today specifically to ask you to call me as soon as possible. Thank. Suratji"

Sitting with all this til friday seems pretty unrealistic especially since it would only take a 5 minute conversation to put you at ease until your next appointment.

Just sit in front of this on PC when you make the call and read. Don't think about it, don't feel about it. Just read the monolog and hang up.

This would be a great practice for you to ask her for something (something that is not unreasonable by the way) and see how she responds to you.

IMOPO, you need to get way out of your head for a few hours or even a day or two.

Forget about therapy, all the work you are doing, and fully engage (as best you can) on something else.

Your brain will continue to work on the problems you've outlined, plus you get to have a little break (dare I say fun!) and you can come back with fresh eyes.

I believe it was Einstein that said "you can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it".

I say, go out, try and find a newer fresher mind. therapy will always be there.

EllieMay - good advice. Today I went for a swim and then to a coffee shop to try my hand at writing Haiku poetry. Took an instructional book and wrote my first dozen poems, all concentrating on the coffee shop scene and the signs of Spring. It was so so so much fun that I totally forgot about therapy issues.

So, I decided to call T and cancel my request that she return my call. My rational brain has gotten the upper hand right now and I know she does not want to terminate.

Horror upon horror, she answered the phone!!!! Never has that happened before. I've always felt free to call because I can just leave a message and not have to engage in conversation.

So, I told her I was calling to cancel my request and she asked me about Wednesday appointment. I said, "What?" Well, get this, she had been leaving me a message while I had begun to call her and our calls crossed each other.

She told me she had no intention or desire to terminate and she finds me delightful but since it seems like I have a lot (understatement) on my mind, she is offering me an extra session next week since she had a cancellation.

I am so happy right now.

no coincidence that, but providence! I was SO hoping T would call you.....and she was calling you! Now you KNOW not only is she not terminating you, she is offering you more support because she knows you need it! Now, I hope you can relax and just be for a while now, with the reassurance things are OK with your T and things will be OK with your therapy.....

Yay! I love happy endings to stressful events!

that's great, Surajti. I've been off pc for a few days and am really glad to come back and find things going well for you.

Yay for getting needs met! I agree with poetgirl... coincidence or not?