For anyone who read my "unraveling" thread...

T e-mailed me this afternoon He said that we could make time to connect on Monday, and to let him know and he would set aside time for me (for a phone call). I had told him some things about how I am getting through the hard moments in the break, and he said he liked reading them.

But, I think I'm okay now. So, I e-mailed back and told him that I'm good, that I'm getting though the hard stuff that I called him about, and that I'll be okay. Part of me feels like "whoa - I had a chance to talk to T and I'm not taking it?! WTH?!" but most of me feels like "I'm okay, and this is what I want and need for right now".

I'm glad he e-mailed me back. I knew he would, but wow, waiting sucked yesterday when I was having such a hard day. At one point, my H half-jokingly told me "*I* am going to call your T in a minute!" But I practiced with my band this morning and was at my son's baseball games all afternoon...and music and outside are the two things that soothe me the most...so I'm just in a better place. Things always, always shift, one way or another. It's just hard to get to the shift sometimes. And I can't do it alone sometimes...sometimes I need my friends, or my H, or my T. This time, I was okay by myself (with some help from PC )

Thanks for being here, you guys. This is all really big for me, and truly, NO ONE else would get it.

[granite1]

i am so glad for you tree you are doing so well with something that must be so hard at times

Here is a perfect example of what I'm struggling with in my life right now.

I'm thinking "oh my gosh, I'm driving PC people crazy with my I'm-taking-a-break-and-i'm-okay posts. i should shut up and just be helpful where i can. i am so obnoxious".

And I think "why don't people respond? is it because i'm annoying? is it because I'm bad at hitting the 'thank you' button on posts? is it because the things i say are pointless and stupid?"

and the thing is...I don't know what's real and what's not. I guess the reality is some people may be thinking that and some people may not. But such is the spiral of my life right now.

Ugh.

I SO know "issue number one" for when I go back. ack

[granite1]

i responded but maybe others are not on pc yet im sure others will respond and i dont think you are driving anyone crazy.

Originally Posted by granite1

i responded

I know you did....thank you, granite. It meant a lot

[googley]

((((((((((Tree))))))))))

I'm glad you are posting. I wish you were not having these problems. But I'm glad you are reaching out for help.

I was worried when you stopped seeing T you would just disappear from the board. And I would be sad if you disappeared. I'm glad you are sharing this part of your trip with us.

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Here is a perfect example of what I'm struggling with in my life right now.

I'm thinking "oh my gosh, I'm driving PC people crazy with my I'm-taking-a-break-and-i'm-okay posts. i should shut up and just be helpful where i can. i am so obnoxious".

And I think "why don't people respond? is it because i'm annoying? is it because I'm bad at hitting the 'thank you' button on posts? is it because the things i say are pointless and stupid?"

and the thing is...I don't know what's real and what's not. I guess the reality is some people may be thinking that and some people may not. But such is the spiral of my life right now.

Ugh.

I SO know "issue number one" for when I go back. ack

Cognitive distortions: http://www.healthymind.com/s-distortions.html

I'm glad that your T emailed you. I'm even more glad that you're considering whether or not you need/want to actually talk to him. That shows your character to such a good degree and that you're developing new ways of doing things or thinking about stuff.

I love the music and outside. I was sitting outside with my iPod, and it was chilly and windy and just waiting for the bus - and it was awesome. I think people think I'm weird when I say stuff like that.

[Liam Grey]

That's really good your T mailed... I'm glad for you !

[ECHOES]

Hi tree!!

I wanted to post to tell you that I'm reading
I haven't responded I guess because I've never taken a break from a real meaningful therapy like you have (and like I now have), so I don't know what's what in that respect.

But I do support you in what you're doing and I really think you are brave and courageous! I am really really glad that your T continues to be in touch and available to you. When you first posted about taking a break, that is one thing I wondered about - in general (how would that work for me and my T) and for you because your therapy has included a lot of contact between sessions. So, I'm glad that it isn't a kind of 'cold turkey' like I imagined (and which probably frightened me and steered me away from responding).

I'm glad you are doing well during your break!!

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Here is a perfect example of what I'm struggling with in my life right now.

I'm thinking "oh my gosh, I'm driving PC people crazy with my I'm-taking-a-break-and-i'm-okay posts. i should shut up and just be helpful where i can. i am so obnoxious".

And I think "why don't people respond? is it because i'm annoying? is it because I'm bad at hitting the 'thank you' button on posts? is it because the things i say are pointless and stupid?"

and the thing is...I don't know what's real and what's not. I guess the reality is some people may be thinking that and some people may not. But such is the spiral of my life right now....

OR some people could be thinking

"OH MY LORD, what is WITH all this pollen!" and have to take Benadryl, which puts them in a pseudo-coma, and they fall asleep, fully clothed, on top of the bed covers at 7:00 pm and stay that way until morning, when they wake up disoriented, dehydrated, and, oddly enough, still itchy and drippy.

I'm glad you are working through this, and I'm glad that your therapist emailed back.

[Fartraveler]

Hi Tree,

Glad T called, glad you're getting through this successfully. And no you're not annoying. By no means. You're inspiring, actually. (As always).

(And here on the East Coast it's 7 am, so many folks have probably been asleep.)

Take care,
-Far

[WePow]

((((Tree))))))) Last night I was actually knocked half-way to Sunday (literally) from benydrill thanks to the pollen. so I hit Thank you so you would know I am reading what you say and I do care :-)

You are doing so great with posting here and staying ontop of your emotions with things. I know it isn't easy for you. But you are making a big effort.

[SpiritRunner]

tree, I want you to know I ALWAYS read what you post, because I always find so much value in what you post and you are always so supportive of me, too and I love that!
yesterday I was so busy, gone most of the day, so tired and already tired in a weird way because of this med, so I just read a bit last night on PC and went to bed!
but I am so glad T emailed you and was willing to connect with you.....and glad that you are feeling able to work through this big stuff without feeling like you HAVE to go back now but can wait to talk about it when you do decide to go back.....you are being brave and doing good work!

[lastyearisblank]

It was a good post which I just read (but I guess you know that from the other posts). Lol for hitting the thank you button.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Here is a perfect example of what I'm struggling with in my life right now.

I'm thinking "oh my gosh, I'm driving PC people crazy with my I'm-taking-a-break-and-i'm-okay posts. i should shut up and just be helpful where i can. i am so obnoxious". You are not driving me crazy and I don't think you need to shut up! I do not think you are obnoxious and I do appreciate you being so helpful to others on PC.

And I think "why don't people respond? is it because i'm annoying? is it because I'm bad at hitting the 'thank you' button on posts? is it because the things i say are pointless and stupid?" You don't say things that are pointless and stupid! You are not annoying. Hitting the thank you button (for me) has nothing to do with whether people respond or not.

I am not responding much to things lately except what I post. I got burned a few times and I am still getting over it. I worry that I will say the wrong thing and trigger someone. I have done that before without meaning to.

Sometimes I don't reply because others have already said what I 'would have' said. I feel that whatever I may have to add is pointless and rambling.

and the thing is...I don't know what's real and what's not. I guess the reality is some people may be thinking that and some people may not. But such is the spiral of my life right now. People have so many different opinions and views on what we post in here. They may think we need to SHUT UP and get over it. But there are others that don't! There are many that read our posts and never say a word. They never respond to anything. This is the reason I started the "lurkers" thread. I just wondered why they never felt to contribute their thoughts to posts in PC.

Ugh.

I SO know "issue number one" for when I go back. ack

I read everything you post. I am sorry that I don't respond much. I feel like I say stupid things when I respond to posts. I even think I say stupid things in my own threads! I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to delete an entire thread because when I read back through it, I realize how stupid, abnoxious, annoying, aggressive, mean, etc... I sound.

My latest thread about the WORST session of my life......I want to delete that one. It makes me look HORRIBLE! It makes me sound so mean and aggressive. The only reason I haven't done that is because I was talked me out of it by some others on PC.

I can't tell you how many times I reply to a post and then go back and delete it because I think it sounds dumb. I over analyze things and worry myself sick that I may offend or trigger someone.

I will make more of an effort to reply to your threads. Now that you know why I don't, you won't think too bad of me if I say something ignorant. I am telling you right now, that I will say ignorant things and they may not make one bit of sense. Just know that my intentions were good.

Thanks, you guys

I think, in a ridiculously clumsy way, this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

With T, when I had NEEDS (argh! needs!) I got really really good at just coming out and saying "I need X". I knew it was safe. And if I was afraid about what he was thinking of me, I would just ask, and I would trust him to be honest. And now, we have so much trust built in the relationship, that I don't have to ask all the time...I can think "hey, I don't know if T even LIKES me" and I can remember all of the evidence to the contrary and all of the work we've done and (sometimes) pull myself out of the spiral.

With PC, and with my friends, I'm struggling. It's kind of like the same thing I went through with T...but out in the "real world", and I'm not good at figuring out how to manage it. Luckily, my friends are very awesome and open and non-judgmental, and PC is full of people who are going through the same thing, so hopefully, I can get through this clumsy, confused phase without everyone feeling annoyed beyond belief with me.

I want so badly to be connected. And it's just so hard right now. The only thing I can figure out to do is to be honest and keep trying and trust that it will be okay

Last night, when I posted, it was one of those things where there were like 40 views and 1 response and I just went to the bad place in my head. And, unfortunately, the only way I know to get OUT right now is to just put it out there, say what's going on, and hope for the best. You guys are the best

Anyhow. This is hard. Thanks for helping me through it.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Here is a perfect example of what I'm struggling with in my life right now.

I'm thinking "oh my gosh, I'm driving PC people crazy with my I'm-taking-a-break-and-i'm-okay posts. i should shut up and just be helpful where i can. i am so obnoxious".

And I think "why don't people respond? is it because i'm annoying? is it because I'm bad at hitting the 'thank you' button on posts? is it because the things i say are pointless and stupid?"

and the thing is...I don't know what's real and what's not. I guess the reality is some people may be thinking that and some people may not. But such is the spiral of my life right now.

Ugh.

I SO know "issue number one" for when I go back. ack

I love reading your posts and learning from them- learning how you're handling therapy things so openly, intelligently, etc. Learning how you deal with worrying you're annoying or not responding to others enough (the same as I do and I'm sure a lot of people do). I really appreciate all your responses to my posts and other people's posts as well as your own posts. Actually, you are so good at responding and helping, sometimes I find myself more interested in reading your own posts to learn how you deal with stuff when you're actually going through it. I am sorry you're going through it though.

Sometimes I read your threads and don't respond because I think you and others can help you(rself) better than I can- I don't know what to say. But knowing you'd like more responses sometimes will motivate me to at least say something!

[WePow]

((((((Tree))))))) We are right here with you, too. :-)

[PTSDlovemycats]

Tree I always look forward to reading your threads, posts, and replies. You offer such great insights! Keep on posting! We love you!

[BethD1980]

Im happy that your therapist emailed u back!
Beth

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I haven't responded I guess because I've never taken a break from a real meaningful therapy like you have (and like I now have), so I don't know what's what in that respect.

((((((((ECHOES))))))))...are you taking a break??

I just want to thank everyone (again) for their replies here.

It's so hard for me to not turn silence into a big ugly story in my head...actually, now that I think about it, I did that in therapy sometimes too. T would sit there quietly, giving me space, and I would think "he's thinking I'm ugly, he's wishing I would leave, he's bored, he's tired of me". Sometimes I would ask what he was thinking, and it was always something like "I was wondering why you decided to sit on the other side of the couch today" or "I was wondering if the noises outside were distracting you" or "I was honestly just sitting and giving you some space" or something like that.

I'm glad I'm giving myself the chance to apply the lessons learned in therapy to real life, and I'm glad that I'm learning what I still need to work on...but I'm not so glad that it's so hard!

Anyhow, thank you. Every reply means a lot.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Good for you Tree!

[WePow]

((((((((Tree)))))))

[SpiritRunner]