confession!

I just e-mailed T. Usually when I miss him, I get up and do something else and the feeling passes, but the feeling just got too big, and I e-mailed. Like I told him in the e-mail, if the need for him gets too overwhelming, I'll just go back. He's on vacation after Wednesday, and my guess is that after he replies to this e-mail, I'll be okay for a little while.

I think knowing it was my session day, and knowing that we could have talked on the phone today just all started to feel...too big. So. I sent the e-mail, and I'm off to start my busy day. I don't have time to get lost in the feelings (thankfully ), so I just won't.

Hi T,

I promise I'm not going to start e-mailing a whole bunch and asking for replies...or, I promise that if I DO, I'll actually just come back to therapy and pay you!

But. I think I feel a little sad today because it's Monday and I would normally see you. And I'm pretty sure that even though it hasn't been very long, this is the longest I've gone without seeing you....ever? And definitely the longest I've gone without leaving voice mails/sending e-mails. So. I think I just FEEL that today.

Anyhow, I don't know why I want to tell you this, but I do. I just want to tell you that I am working REALLY hard right now. It's a good thing, and I'm surprised at the things that have come up and that I'm able to find the tools in myself to either deal with them or to forgive myself for not quite knowing what to do with them. It's actually more work than being in therapy at this point...but it feels right and good. Hard, and right, and good.

Anyhow, I miss you a lot, I'm working really hard, things are different than I expected them to be, and I'm really really okay. AND I can't wait to come back in a few weeks (or more, or less) to tell you all about it.

Will you please reply?

Did I already say I miss you a lot today??

Tree

Hi Tree, Don't have much time for a long reply. Rushing out the door to work. Just wanted to let you know I read this and I am thinking of you today!

Squiggle

Do you mean you are working hard on your issues, or working hard at a job, or?

I hear that you are telling him that you are working hard to use what he has taught you in therapy and apply it to your relationships in RL.
I guess it is good you have a busy day but I hope you are ok.This has got to be very hard for you and I wish you great success, but I also want you to be ok.

(((((Tree)))) You are really working hard. It is OK to miss your T. BIG HUGS to you!

There's no need to "confess" anything - as if you did something wrong. You missed your therapist and you e-mailed him.

My guess is your therapist is happy to hear from you. He's not going anywhere.

Of course you are going to miss him, and miss that feeling you have in the room with him. Of course. It's okay. It's really okay.

Heck, it's even okay to actually grieve.

Just be sure that you aren't for some reason punishing yourself by taking a break here. Okay?

Again with the work thing.....

Yep. This is something I am trying to be aware of.

Yesterday it hit me in a flash while I was telling my friend about my therapy break that I really think on some deep level I just can't be around T while he's giving up alcohol for lent. It brings up way too much old stuff on a core, DEEP level. This is obviously something I'm going to have to work through with T when I go back, and I just wasn't ready to yet.

I still think it's okay, though. It's the first thing I've REALLY avoided in therapy...like avoided by LEAVING...but I've worked through so much and it's seriously an and/both thing. It was too triggering AND I'm ready to try stuff out on my own for a while. I was feeling pushed (internally) towards being on my own a little bit, and T giving up alcohol was just the final nudge.

Anyhow, I'm paying attention to what I'm feeling and hoping I'll do the right thing.

So. Hmmm.

you are doing so well, tree! It's OK to miss T and tell him so.....it's not a bad thing you have to confess, it just is what it is!

tree you are doing so well.it is fine that you e-mailed your T .i hope you dont expect that you are not going to miss him and just be fine .that would be a lot to put on your self

tree you are the best judge of what it is that you need.and whatever it is it is ok.

Well, crap. T hasn't e-mailed me back. Sigh.

And I know he will and blah blah blah. He's going out of town this week, he's busy, etc etc etc etc.

I soooooo wanted that e-mail, though.

OMG! I guess I do feel a little spiraly. I'm just going to dump it all here.

WHY hasn't T replied? Why did he take so long to reply to my e-mail on Friday? My brain SO wants to go to "he doesn't care about me, he only cares if I'm paying, he wishes I would go on a break forever and leave him alone". It's sooooo stupid. I can look at our relationship and the mountains and mountains of evidence to the contrary, but my spiraly brain still wants to go there.

I really really really really don't want to get into some kind of rupture-in-my-own-head with T during this break, because how would we fix it? We fix it by talking, and we're not talking right now. Not to mention that fact that it would be a completely one-sided rupture. T is off doing whatever he is doing and not in a rupture with me at all!

I think that after T replies to this e-mail, I'm just going to have to not e-mail him again for my own sanity. I know me, and I know where my thoughts go, and it gets soooo hard to separate what I feel and what I'm afraid of from what's REAL.

I feel sad that if he doesn't get my e-mail/e-mail me back/whatever he'll be gone on vacation and I won't hear from him until next week.

I really really wish we would have talked about this before I took the break. I feel sooooo stupid.

Hey Tree,
Can't write too much cause I am supposed to be sleeping now but I just wanted to add one quick thing for you. You may want to ask t about how vacations work for him, cause.......I once had a conversation with my t pretty early on in therapy and I said well I am going to take a month off but is it ok to call if I need you? My t said, "gosh KC, I don't know how to say this but a vacation from t is a vacation." (meaning if I am out it is not ok to call just when I need him.) I am uncertain of your terms with t but he could be like mine and not want you to get comfy with a break when you want it but having t too. ya know what I mean?? just something to ponder.

Oh nooooooo...
What about calling him or something.

Spiral canceled!

T sent me such a nice e-mail. He said he is so proud of me, and that I still take up space and he is looking forward to reconnecting when I am ready. He said "you are missed"

AND he said "thank you for the book" and that he's going to read it on vacation

Ahhh, I feel better. It's interesting (?) to see where my mind goes. I'm glad I'm back to the middle place.

AHHHHH I LOVE he knew the book was from you! You didn't tell him right?

Glad you are safe on middle ground and feeling better about T. Sounds like a great email from a great T

Glad for you tree! Soothing words from t are like salve on an owie.

I know! I don't know my terms with T either!

In the years we've worked together, we've sort of developed some of the boundaries as we went. Some things are really cut and dry..others took some trial and error (like e-mails, since I am the first client he used e-mail with).

T has told me a lot how much he trusts me, and I'm guessing that he trusts that this will work out how it's supposed to. I think he is fine with some contact if it helps me as I'm out here finding my way on my own. We had SO much contact before that it feels "right" to have a tiny bit right now.

And when I need him a LOT, I'll just go back!

glad you got an email from T and that he knew the book was from you and said he will read it!

I think it's so cool you can write that to your t and know that he cares, especially the stuff I put in bold.

And l like the word spiraly. I forgot how many l's it has And the phrase "spiral cancelled".

Just wanted to say: Love your mail I think your T will too.

I'm glad for you that your T. emailed you back--
you are so fortunate.

would it be OK if I rant here a minute?.....

don't think the T. i see is going to answer my email-- in over three years I think I've sent about 7 or 8. I don't usually reach out after abuse but I thought doing so might help me and keep the "dark" at bay.... it's been 5 days since I emailed, so... I don't think I will hear anything.....
I shouldn't have written, I'm sorry I did. (not a good idea for fins to be too open)

I stupidly forgot that I am alone, when things get really "dark" I should not reach out.... I knew that-- I don't know why I forgot........

I am at least glad that your T. emailed you-- that is so nice.
I hope you continue to keep that light-peaceful feeling in your soul

fins

Tree - do you struggle with alcoholism? not understanding what this meant.

I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic household. It was awful when my mom was drinking, but almost more awful for the short periods of time she would decide to quit. Every time, I let my guard down, even though I knew better. It was almost like I couldn't help it..I wanted so badly to be loved. And, EVERY time, she'd start drinking again, I couldn't predict when it would happen and the abuse would start up out of the blue. It was worse to have my hopes up and be surprised by it than to just have it be an ongoing, every day thing. She still "quits drinking " to this day, and it's still triggering.

So. T giving up alcohol for lent just brought up a lot of old PTSD stuff.

Hey Tree,

I am really glad you were able to tell him how you felt and got a lovely reply back. I sent a major confession email a few hours ago to my T but she sometimes decides in her own head that it's better for me that she doesn't reply and give me comfort and that I sit with the uncomfortable feelings (kinda wish therapists wouldn't decide they know what is best for us all the time). In fact I doubt I will hear from her so I will have a wee to stew on everything I said. It was an email full of emotion, pain, anger and many other emotions. I tried to keep it as calm and respectful as possible though - but I honestly don't know if her reaction will be good or bad. However I may be loosing her soon so if I am going to loose her anyway, I have nothing else to loose by telling her the truth about my feelings at present.

It sounds like your therapist really gets you and knows how to comfort you too I think you are really brave.
xxx

Oh (((((((fins)))))))).

It's so painful to reach out like that and not get a response. Did you ask your t to reply? Mine only replies if I ask him to.

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone.

(((((((((hugs)))))))) to you!