leaving my T

Hi guys,

I just wanted to come back and update you all that I'm probably going to leave newT. I just emailed oldT about it this morning and plan to talk with oldT before I make a final decision. This is how I explained it to oldT, so I'll paste it here...

I've been thinking for a few weeks now that T is not the best fit for me. I like her a lot, she is really skilled, and it was helpful to tell parts of my story again to someone. I'm not even sure I can point to anything concrete as "wrong," except that something just feels off. It's been 5 months and I still don't feel completely safe with her. (I don't feel comfortable enough to cry, for instance). I feel a bit of a pull to look out for her feelings, actually. The last two sessions, I really didn't want to be there at all.

It's really tough because she hasn't done anything really wrong, and I do really like her. Regarding the not crying thing... I tear up very easily with oldT and it feels good every time I cry with her. Not feeling comfortable to cry AT ALL with newT is a problem. We also had a couple misunderstandings several weeks ago re: money and email (she wanted me to email her every week, then she reminded me about her email boundaries for no reason and then encouraged me again to email her). She apologized and admitted that those misunderstanding were about HER and not me. We worked through it, but things just haven't felt comfortable since.

Then, she had a death in the family and was out of the office for 2+ weeks, and I felt RELIEVED. It felt really really good not having therapy for two weeks. She contacted me a few times via email and I didn't even really want to write back.

I think it's time to move on, and I guess I'm curious what you all think. Also, I guess I could just use some hugs because I'll be going without any T for a while. I don't know that I'll look for a replacement right away. I feel pretty spent from this whole process the past few months.

I function very very well with and without therapy...though it would be nice to find a place where I feel safe and heard. Like if I could just go to a doctor's office and get a shot of empathy/understanding/safety once a week, it'd be fabulous.

Sending you many hugs.

If you aren't comfortable with your T, I would say it's probably time for a change. I'm really not sure what else to say. But know that we are here to support you. Keep posting as you can.

More hugs.

It's said that the therapeutic relationship between T and client is the most important part of therapy - it doesn't matter how much T knows or how talented T is - if we don't feel connected, there's not much progress that can happen. I think you're making a good decision to move on. You gave it 5 months. I felt comfortable with my T on the first visit.

OldT emailed me back:

"...I wonder why you feel so protective of her....thinking she cannot handle it / you ? ...and where that's coming from. Keep in mind that you have had that feeling with others....just something to be curious about. You might just consider talking with her about this....I know it may be scary, but could also open some doors for both of you, and what do you have to lose??"

She's right. I have had this feeling before with others, but this time I can point to specific reasons I am looking out for her feelings above my own. So I dunno...

If you don't mind me asking, what are the specific reasons you feel like you need to look out for her feelings above your own? You are there to work on your issues not hers. I had a smiliar experience with a T, where I felt like I was the one counseling her not the other way around. I have since changed back to an old T, who is in the same building. Just some food for thought.

ps. I'm sorry I haven't been here much lately to support others. I really needed a lot of space to process what's going on for me with T. But right now, I could use some input, so if you're reading this and have any thoughts, please respond.

It's nothing really obvious. She's shared with me that she has a trauma history and has been in recovery from addiction for 20 years...but she hasn't crossed a line and told me specifics about any of that.

I can just tell when she's tired and overwhelmed, which seems frequent. I've asked her if she's okay and she has admitted that she is tired/overwhelmed but she doesn't go into specifics and she turns her attention back to me right away. But still, I pick up on it.

Also, any time I do show the slightest emotion or share in a more vulnerable way, she gets really excited and praises me up and down...and that makes me uncomfortable. I know she's trying to encourage me to open up more, but it's having the opposite effect. Like, I'm not sharing so she'll be proud of me, yk??

I know T's always suggest that we stick it out and that maybe our discomfort is just part of the 'process' but my gut feeling is that when we don't feel connected to a T, it's time to move on.

Sometimes it is important that we listen to that little voice that says something is wrong. A friend told me that once.

The fact that you new T told you she is tired and overwhelmed is very concerning to me. I want to know my T can handle all parts of me.

I hope you can find whats right for you.

Maggy Jo

Go with your gut. Sometimes it is just not the right fit.

You're right, therapists are supposed to be a bit opaque about their reactions to you, precisely for the reason that you're not to feel any pressure to behave or perform. Your T shouldn't praise you excessively, and God knows she shouldn't criticize you either. What she's doing has the effect of conditioning you for responses she wants. She's not doing it on purpose of course. She just sounds a bit inept, sort of student-ish.

If she doesn't get you, it doesn't matter what her history is. You don't feel safe or comfortable. To the curb!

I just terminated my own T after about a year. It took me way too long to make that decision. I took SO MUCH CRAP from that guy, and now I'm mad at myself that I couldn't extricate myself sooner.

You had no obligation to enter therapy to begin with. You were never under any obligation to see your particular T. You're always free to leave, but it can be difficult - for some reason we feel guilty even contemplating it.

Other random thoughts around this: therapy isn't for the therapist! Though my own T could have fooled me. (He's still sending me plaintive emails)...Anyway, yes, just do it!

I'd say trust your instincts, if they are saying this isn't the right fit, I think 5 months is adequate time to have determined that. And it can't be comfortable having the feeling that you need to look out for her feelings.....though that is something I think perhaps you could discuss with her and it could lead to a greater understanding of why you do that sort of thing, if that is part of your pattern. Maybe you don't need to stay much longer with her, but could have a discussion of that as part of closure sessions, so to speak.
You have my support whatever you do......

Thanks for the support everyone.

Re: taking care of others' feelings. I have a really good grasp on this pattern in myself, thanks to my work with oldT. I know I am HIGHLY HIGHLY sensitive, hypervigilent to others' emotions, thanks to years of abuse by my mother. I've learned ways to identify when I'm feeling old feelings/fears vs. present day.

I think in this case, while I may be extra sensitive to caretaking newT, I think there is very real "stuff" going on that I just can't get around.

I just talked to my best friend on the phone for an hour....I talk to her every day (she lives in my old home town, where i moved from last year). I asked her to tell me what her impression is of my therapy experience these past few months and she said I've been doubtful the WHOLE time. She said her impression is that T is a really good, compassionate person, but she's just not getting it right with me. Her style is just not what I need right now.

I agree. I emailed newT and told her I'd like to take a break from therapy and focus more on the present for a while. I'd tell her in person, but our next appt is 2-hours long and I don't want to take that whole time away from another client who could really use it.

Why is this so hard??

I don't know what I would do, but I was thinking that even if you discover with the next T that this happens again, that discovery would be added insight and maybe indicate that there is something more here to explore.

So, I guess I can't get away with just an email. She asked me to come see her for an hour next week before quitting.

Not sure what there is to say...

You can review your progress together and tell her why you are quitting. I think Ts find it helpful to know that as it gives them information that might help with future clients. Of course, you're under no obligation to help her in that way, but getting closure could help you move on. And it is a chance to tell her thanks for the help she has provided (if you feel that she has been helpful).

I went to therapy for about 9 months with a long break with my first T. I left when I realized she could no longer help me. She did help at first but I exhausted her skill set and needed something different from what she could offer. I think if you don't think your T can help you, then there is no point in staying on. When I left that T, I canceled an appointment in a phone message and just never went back. Very cowardly I guess, but I didn't know when I canceled the appointment that I wouldn't return. My one regret is that I did not go in person to tell her I was quitting. She tried hard with me and we had some success. I wish I had been more gracious and said good-bye and shared some final words with her. So if you go for one last session with your T, griffin, you may avoid the feeling of regret I have for not doing that. But then again, you may never feel that way as I did.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

I think she would appreciate anything you have to say.
Tell it like it is from your point of view. She is open to hearing anything and everything.

Thanks for the responses.

Sunrise, I really hear what you're saying. I do want to have some closure and provide some feedback. I don't want regrets. Also, part of me wants to keep the door a crack open in case I don't find another T who is more helpful. I dunno.

I'll just tell her where I am and why I don't feel like this is meeting my needs right now. Her style might be perfect for some other client, but not for me. She is really a good, compassionate T.

Sometimes I worry that my history is so unusual and unique that very few Ts will know what to do with me. I've had two Ts now who have not dealt with my specific kind of abuse history before.

(((((((((((((((((griffin))))))))))))))))))))

What a tough situation

Perhaps going and talking REALLY openly about what you're feeling will help? Maybe if she understands that what she is doing (the excessive praise) isn't helpful, she could tone it down.

My T used to always, ALWAYS say at the end of phone messages "take care of your kids and your family" and it made me so mad...all I DO is take care of my kids and my family! I need him to tell me to take care of me! And I told him, and he literally never said it again. He said he KNOWS I take care of them, and it was just a way of ending the message. So now he says "take care of you"

I know that is much smaller than what you're dealing with, but a good T is able to hear the feedback of their client and make adjustments when it's possible.

If nothing else, I agree with Sunny that it might be nice to get a sense of closure.

I'm sorry that this is so hard, griffin.

I understand the need to "take care of T" I've spent a lot of time more worried about what it is doing to him rather than how it is benefiting me. I think that I take the caretaker role way too often and sounds like maybe you do too. If she seems tired and worn out consistently, that tells me that maybe she needs a break from being a therapist or at least needs to find support for her own issues. I don't think T's can really be helpful if they have too much going on for too long (everyone has a bad day here or there, I'm not referring to that) go with your instinct....all the other posts are right...not all T's are a good fit for all people. Hang in there!