![]() |
FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
#1
|
||||
|
||||
i am trying to write a letter to my T to let her know how i felt when she seemed to get so frustrated with me when i told her i never trusted anyone.it isnt easy at all.i cant seem to do it.i have no idea how to even start it.i want to say sorry about frustrating her so much but i really dont remember ever trusting anyone.i'm scared if i give it to her all she will do is say she doesnt believe me and that will send me into a total panic.do you think i should just leave it alone and just agree to disagree and let it be what it is because i dont know what to say to her about it.
![]() ![]()
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT ![]() Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
#2
|
|||
|
|||
I think it's a great idea that you're trying to write the letter and explain how you felt Granite
![]() |
![]() granite1
|
#3
|
||||
|
||||
this is all i have for the moment
I wanted to first say I am sorry for getting you so frustrated over the trust thing. Maybe we will just have to agree to disagree on this. It is what it is and is probably best just left alone. I cannot remember ever trusting anyone as a kid. In fact I think in some strange way I trust more now than I ever did at 5 years old. Not that I trust people all that much now. I know I have always hated people, even at 5. You spoke of babies having no choice but to trust. I don’t see being forced to be dependent on a parent or guardian as any form of trust. I may have been dependant but I don’t have to like it. The idea of that woman ever taking care of me in any way just makes me sick. The idea of her having to touch me for any reason makes my skin crawl, it’s disgusting. I can’t stand thinking about it. Knowing she hated every minute of anything she ever had to do for me and hated me for it. So she fed me. How hard could it have been to shove a bottle in my face to shut me up? Wow I was so wrong, I guess I was oozing trust all over the place, after all this undying love, who wouldn’t? if you want ill post more as i write.please let me know what you think
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT ![]() Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that Last edited by granite1; Apr 17, 2011 at 12:15 AM. |
![]() Liam Grey, PTSDlovemycats, SpiritRunner
|
#4
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
![]() ![]() |
![]() granite1
|
#5
|
||||
|
||||
I think that is an awesome letter and very articulate...god for you for expressing those feelings...I hope your T begins to understand where you're coming from!
__________________
![]() Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. ~ Maya Angelou Thank you SadNEmpty for my avatar and signature.
|
![]() granite1
|
#6
|
||||
|
||||
good work Granite, your using words (even if they are on paper they're still words) xoxo
__________________
never mind... |
![]() granite1
|
#7
|
||||
|
||||
I think your letter sounds really good so far. I hope you and your t don't just 'agree to disagree' on this because it sounds like it's important that she understands your point of view and is on your side. It doesn't sound to me like something 'best just left alone'. To me it makes sense that depending on someone for survival doesn't automatically equal trust. Maybe your t has never really properly thought about it before - I think your letter might give her something to think about.
|
![]() granite1
|
#8
|
||||
|
||||
Definetly a great start to letting her now exactly where you are coming from on this issue. Don't change anything you've got down- it's excellent! Keep working on it granite. I know I sent an email to my T a couple of weeks ago that took me at least 5 hours to put together. I don't think it's unusual at all to have a hard time trying to write your thoughts on paper- especially when you are not much of a talker. I'm proud of you!
|
![]() granite1
|
#9
|
||||
|
||||
granite, a great start, honest and clear! but I hope you don't just 'leave it alone, agree to disagree'....I hope you and T can come to place of truly understanding each other, you to understand what she meant and she to understand what you feel/know to be the truth of your reality, even as a baby. Maybe your letter will help her understand you better and understand how you feel about trust in your life...and you 2 can be more on the same page!
I think it's a good insight to say that maybe you trust more now than when you were 5.....that means that you are growing in trust now! I think you are showing trust in us to share that letter and I feel like it's a honor that you have shown that trust. I think T will see it as you showing trust to give her that letter and that she will be honored, too! ![]() |
![]() granite1
|
#10
|
||||
|
||||
That's a great start Granite, very very well written!
__________________
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou "If you get a chance, take it; if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." |
![]() granite1
|
#11
|
||||
|
||||
Granite- nice letter, really.
Ive read your previous post as well and was not sure about writing my opinion. But here it goes... I think children are born trusting. They don't know any better. As you have said, they are dependant on others. They must trust that the care provider will do what is best for them. I highly doubt you were born any different. It is in human nature, even grown ppl can behave like that to ensure their survival (Stockholm syndrome). We see our child self through adults eyes. That can cause problems. I think what your T is trying to do, is make you see yourself as the child you were. It is an important step in therapy. Still I think you two should discuss this more. Letter is always a great way to communicate our feelings and emotions. |
![]() granite1
|
#12
|
||||
|
||||
It seems to me that her response is not about not believing you, but about enlightening you to how babies and children survive. They cannot survive on their own, so they must trust to survive.
Having to trust a primary caregiver who is not nurturing and loving and protecting forms the pathological or 'sick' attachment that causes problems in all relationships, because all relationships need trust and we form attachments. You can imagine that an infant or child who must trust to survive, but for whom that trust relationship is not nurturing or loving or even kind, gets a confusing picture of relationships. When the primary caregiver is unreliable, unpredictable, unTRUSTworthy, the attachment is insecure or disorganized. The infant or child trusts only when necessary (for food, etc) and retreats at all other times. We are amazing creatures who understand more than we can imagine, even pre-verbally. Does this make sense? ![]() |
![]() granite1
|
#13
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
![]()
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
![]() granite1
|
#14
|
|||
|
|||
I think you have done a good job in writing that letter.
|
![]() granite1
|
#15
|
||||
|
||||
granite, I too liked your letter and think it's very important to make it clear to your T how you felt in the session, both about trusting, and about her feeling frustrated with you. I agree with sunrise that you need to tell her so she can give you feedback about whether she really was frustrated with you or was it just your perception that she was.
|
![]() granite1
|
#16
|
||||
|
||||
OMGoodness i went to bed lastnight thnking about this and also woke up thismorning thinking about this and woke up a few times in between thinking about this.it has really shook me up and seems to be talking over.i dont understand how something so seemingly simple as the concept of a child needing to trust is sending me into such a tail spin.usually it isnt something i think about but now it seems to be something i am thinking about and experiancing on every level of my being.and i am really trying but i dont think i can handle it.i want to,i really do. i want it to just go away but it has been a while now sence i have SI and i dont want to get to that point.i keep getting pictures in my head of the mother and i hate it it is making me sick and feeling disgusting.so anggry at myself and so so angry in generaland did i mention making my skin crawl.i want these thoughts to go away.i wish i could say better how it is making me feel.not only my thoughts but it is like it is taking over my body.the idea of her touching me.its like when i think of the mother touching me it makes my skin crawlit's like i can feel it.my body tenses up big time i hate how all this is making me feel.why am i feeling all this so strong i just dont really understand
![]() ![]() ![]() my T brought all this up i didnt i never would.she asked questions about my trust and didnt accept the answers i gave.why put this stuff in my head about me trusting as a baby or small child.why make me feel this way and then go on vacation.i want to tell her how angry i am at her for this but know i wont and wont even bring it up next time i see her i dont think i will even give her this letter i wrote.i have talked myself right out of this .because she seems so angry and frustrated at me for saying i didnt ever trust anyone.and when she said so frustratedly "every one trusts at some point just how far do we ahve to go back,it made me feel like she didnt want to do that at all.go that far back.i mean thats ok with me and it kind of upsets me that she thinks that i would want her to do this.NOPE I DONT.i dont want her to be so frustrated with me.it scares me and that doesnt help with the not being able to speak. sorry about this being so long.but with all this said i want this stuff out of my head and i dont know how to get rid of it to let it go.cant you imagine what it must be like for a baby or child being forced to be cared for by someone who hate them,and everything they had to do to care for them.to have to feed it and clean it.you cant help but know that it had to atleast feel the hate radiating from the care taker.in it's tough and everything.yuck,grrr,skin crawling,memories.
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT ![]() Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
#17
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
![]() ![]() ![]() Granite, I hear you saying that you want these memories to go away but this is what therapy is about. It is about recalling all of your thoughts and feelings that you haven't faced, accepted, analyzed, expressed and then let go. This is the processing and this is what will set you free. Keeping this stuff stuffed down is what is driving you crazy.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
![]() granite1
|
#18
|
||||
|
||||
i dont know i am having a real hard time with this.i know a baby can learn to to trust how could it .i never touched my son if i was angry or anything.i think a baby who is always toughted by someone who hates them and is angry can feel this in every part of its body and learns to dilike it and not welcome the way it feels and its body can respond with stress and tention and in turn learns not to like it or the person who is making it feel this way or people in general.am i wrong ? i can still feel these feelings in my body even today when i think about it
![]() ![]() ![]()
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT ![]() Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
#19
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() a child does need to trust; a child is very much aware of its own inability to care for itself, its limitations in size and strength and understanding etc. So it knows that to survive, it needs the support and protection of another. That doesn't mean that the child does trust; BUT to survive, the child knows that it has to get that support and protection no matter what the cost. This can mean that the child will bend the facts, however far they have to be bent, in order to be able to say to itself, I am supported, I am protected. Bending can be in the form of colossal denial, ignoring bad things that happen, or making excuses for the caregiver(s), or even... when the ugly facts can't be denied, turning the blame for them onto oneself... which is toxic and lasting. Sometimes I don't express myself very well, do you understand what I am trying to say? ![]() |
![]() granite1
|
#20
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
|
![]() granite1, Sannah
|
#21
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
I don't think a small child has the level of consciousness like we adults do, nor feels on the same level. S/he does not make decisions to eg 'trust' the same way as we do. A lot of stuff is instinct, and instinct to survive is very strong in living being. If someone nasty is the only one providing any 'care' or only one around, a smart child will have to go with that. It's not a shame, it's just how things are. I hope you can find a different way to look at this. I don't think a child growing in conditions like that should be blamed they trusted the only object they had available to trust, however bad. It's a sign of resilience not stupidity. I hope you can find compassion for that child. |
![]() granite1, sittingatwatersedge
|
#22
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
![]() granite1
|
#23
|
||||
|
||||
i am just ready for my T to come back now.her first vacation was ok but now i have really had enough i hate sitting with all these thoughts i hate that she said all this stuff and then left.and monday when she is back ill go into her office and not say anything about what i went through and it will be ok because she is back and all is right again
![]() ![]() ![]()
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT ![]() Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
#24
|
||||
|
||||
i want her back
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT ![]() Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
#25
|
||||
|
||||
(((((((((((((granite))))))))))))
|
![]() granite1
|
Reply |
|