Being back in therapy is hard. It stirs up my old stuff and then I need T.

It's like a Catch 22. I need to and want to heal. AND it's too freaking hard. Seeing him for only an hour a week is hard. Having all of my "stuff" bouncing around in my head is hard.

I love him and I miss him and I need him.

Just, blah. I know I've come SO FAR since I started therapy, but I feel impatient. I want to feel okay, NOW. Now, now, now.

Going from 2 1/2 hours a week of therapy to one hour a week of therapy feels like a huge giant adjustment. T told me that he is listening for signs of how I'm doing. I'm surviving, but I want to be doing BETTER.

He said in my message that this is probably the hardest point I've been at in therapy. And I thought "oh my GOSH" because we have been through some really, REALLY hard stuff. I guess it validates how I'm feeling, but it also makes how I'm feeling TOO REAL. I almost wish he'd say "this is FINE, really!". I just want him to make everything okay. My ultimate ongoing therapy wish.

[zooropa]

Yes. It is hard. It IS. It might even be too hard, goodness knows I've been thinking that very thing almost continually this weekend. But we keep going, tree, even when it is hard and even, maybe especially, when we don't WANT to go, because deep down inside is someone who wants to get better, no matter how uncomfortable it is getting there.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Tree

I think you are right about Therapy being like a catch 22 situation! For me I go to Therapy because I feel I have nothing without it, it helps me to keep going, it helps me manage the pain inside BUT it also inflicts pain because I yearn for the sessions, for my T and know I will be hurt when it's over, so I live in fear of that! Sometimes it feels like we can't win!

Having such a huge reduction in time must be very difficult, I have never experienced having more than an hour of Therapy generally and I know how quick that it goes...sometimes it feels more like 5 minutes! So to go from 2 and a half hours to 1 must seem much shorter. I think if you are surviving it then you are doing well! I know you want to do better, which maybe you mean you want it not to hurt at all really but I think it would for the majority of people so really your doing great!

May I ask why the time was reduced?

massive hugs!!

Yes, I think it is TOO TOO hard. Too hard. Hugs.

[Echo1958]

Oh - wouldn't it be much nicer if our t's could just "make everything okay"? Unfortunately that falls on our shoulders - to work hard outside of therapy. I know that only an hour a week seems difficult, but I know you can do it. Good luck.

[googley]

((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))

During a recent session my T asked me what i wanted if I could have anything from T. I said that I wished there was a magic wand to make everything better. I know how you feel. It gets to a point to seem like it should just be done already. I'm sorry you are going through a hard time again.

[learning1]

Sorry Tree. Please keep posting whenever support here can help!

[Can't Stop Crying]

I agree it's hard. I also wonder sometimes if it's worth it...stirring up all these things and then sitting with them, alone, until the next session. You are making progress! I see it in your posts. I've said it before, but I'll say it again...I wish T's had magic doorways, so when we walk out of the session, all the "stuff" stays there until we meet again. It's hard working on stuff alone!

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

May I ask why the time was reduced?

I've been seeing him 2 1/2 hours a week for a LONG time (3 1/2 years) and time-wise and financially, I feel like I need to move to one session a week. And I also guess I "should" be able to do one hour a week by now, like a normal therapy client.

I have a lot of trauma in my past....AND I've learned really good coping skills and am able to work hard on my own between sessions. I really believe I *can* do an hour a week, but it's a hard transition.

Therapy just makes me feel sad sometimes.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((( tree )))))))))))))))))))) you really have come a long way. And therapy is hard. I'm sorry I wish I could fix it.

[elliemay]

What do you think he meant about this time being the hardest in therapy?

Originally Posted by elliemay

What do you think he meant about this time being the hardest in therapy?

We're starting to talk (or kind of talking about talking about) my mom. Her alcoholism/abuse is, I think, at the root of so much stuff. Even the CSA...it feels like it wouldn't have happened if I had been loved, and if she was aware of what was going on around her. I spent my childhood not knowing what would happen next, in a state of perpetual fear, and I know that's where so many of my core issues come from, even without the CSA.

She constantly told me she would kill me if I told, and even though adult me KNOWS that's not true, there is a very very DEEP fear of telling.

She threatened suicide all the time, and it was clearly my responsibility to keep her alive. I can't shake that. And she is probably dying now from her alcoholism, and I am her only support, and she doesn't go to dr appts, etc. and I'm scared because I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I went to therapy in the first place to talk about the mom stuff. I walked in the VERY FIRST day of therapy and told him that's why I was there. And here I am, 3 1/2 years later, barely able to talk about talking about it...when we have talked about some REALLY REALLY gut-wrenchingly hard stuff.

Ack. ACK!

I think all of that is why I took a break, and, honestly, part of why I want to go to once a week. It's just too much. I'm too scared, and I don't know if I can do it.

[elliemay]

I understand. Again, I have to point out the similarities in our prospective therapies. Uncanny really. I definitely know that fear, and that innate loneliness of being the parent, and, even though they did very little for us, the fear of being left by our mothers.

Although it may seem counter-intuitive, the once a week therapy I think is a good idea. It keeps the heavy stuff from being "in your face" all the time and can help solidify the idea that your therapist is always there (even if you can't see him). It also gives your brain plenty of time to incorporate a session and work on it - even though you are doing other things.

It does take a lot of coping skills though, and before you start, I would definitely have a concrete plan, almost a ritual that you can invest in, in place as to how to handle powerful emotions outside of session.

The freedom, acceptance and hope that is associated with telling and healing from all this can be profound.

For me, it was almost like a finally feeling.

I wish peace for you on this journey. It's definitely not a road you have to walk alone. Not anymore.

[SpiritRunner]

(((((((tree))))))) I am sorry it is so hard right now.....and I understand. I relate! I am finding things hard too.......not hard in the sense that we are dealing with hard things right now in therapy, but hard in the sense of dealing with the relationship. THAT is what is feeling so hard and so confusing to me right now and I am having a hard time finding the right words to tell T how hard it is for me......she thinks we should go back to once a week if we aren't dealing with intense things at the moment and I feel like it would be too hard to do that because I feel so undone still from the hard things we did just deal with and with the confusing feelings about the whole relationship thing......gah! Yep, it is hard and I wish it were easy.....easier for me. Just in general things feel hard for me right now, anyway, though......

Originally Posted by elliemay

Although it may seem counter-intuitive, the once a week therapy I think is a good idea. It keeps the heavy stuff from being "in your face" all the time and can help solidify the idea that your therapist is always there (even if you can't see him). It also gives your brain plenty of time to incorporate a session and work on it - even though you are doing other things.

I think you're right, for sure.

During the CSA crap, it was all so NEW....the telling, the feelings, etc. It was overwhelming, and I didn't have the coping skills or the trust/security in T being there to get through more than a few days.

Now...I do know T is there. I have coping skills. And I honestly don't think I *can* deal with the mom stuff for more than an hour a week. I think it's going to take a LOT of processing between sessions before I am ready to delve into it again.

It's funny how things work out. I *needed* T twice a week during the CSA stuff. And I was able to see him twice a week. And I guess all of that brought me to the point where I can deal with this stuff, in the limited time that I have. And the limited time is actually BETTER.

Really, I can't shake the very young wish that it would just be different. I want to have a different childhood and I can't and it's almost like dealing with it with T will mean that it can never be changed, ever. Which makes no sense, but does.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I'm too scared, and I don't know if I can do it.

more hugs for you Tree

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I've been seeing him 2 1/2 hours a week for a LONG time (3 1/2 years) and time-wise and financially, I feel like I need to move to one session a week. And I also guess I "should" be able to do one hour a week by now, like a normal therapy client.

I have a lot of trauma in my past....AND I've learned really good coping skills and am able to work hard on my own between sessions. I really believe I *can* do an hour a week, but it's a hard transition.

Therapy just makes me feel sad sometimes.

Hey,

theres a lot of positives there especially that you are able to say that you know you *can* do it! But I understand that doesn't make it easy.

Is there a way you could slowly reduce the time, rather than jump from 2 and a half hours to 1 hour? perhaps do a few weeks at 2 hours, then 1 and a half hours and finally 1 hour? It might make things a bit easier?

*hugs*

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Is there a way you could slowly reduce the time, rather than jump from 2 and a half hours to 1 hour? perhaps do a few weeks at 2 hours, then 1 and a half hours and finally 1 hour? It might make things a bit easier?

*hugs*

I've tried this on and off for the past YEAR. I think what I've discovered is that it's never going to be easy....I am just going to have to jump in and do it.

Monday has always been a therapy day for me, and it's not anymore. I think that's why today is especially hard

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I think what I've discovered is that it's never going to be easy....I am just going to have to jump in and do it.

Yes!...... I just got a visual image from this. This summer we were swimming where there was this tall dock to jump off of, probably 12 feet high. My husband jumped off and then my 12 year old did. I hesitated and hesitated but after about an hour of trying I finally took a deep breath, plugged my nose and jumped. I was scared but I did it anyway.........

[Suratji]

[quote=treehouse;1819275

Therapy just makes me feel sad sometimes. [/quote]

And not having therapy would not be sad?

Originally Posted by Suratji

And not having therapy would not be sad?

No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that therapy is hard.