[Quay]

I tried to explain to my T why stuff doesn't matter. He says what I'm really saying is I don't matter, I hate that. If that's what I was saying I'd say it, damn it!!!!
I tried to tell him how much the stuff that occurred between my ex and I didn't hurt me. That it didn't matter. I tried to tell him the statute of limitations on those feelings had long since expired. He refused to buy into it. I didn't like that either. It just makes me feel angry, AT ME. It just ticks me off that it should matter. At some level I know he's right and I'm just trying not to face it. But there's no way to deal with those feelings so why wake them up? And I want to talk to him about it if I'm going to wake them up, but once a week just isn't enough, cause the feelings are there all the time once they've been disturbed.
It's stupid cause I get a lot of support from him already, but it just doesn't seem to cover it at times. He's given me exercises for those times, make a list of other activities that will get you redirected, etc....... B^**$(-%! It doesn't help!
I tried those eline therapists, not that I can afford to be putting my money into that, but I just wanted an outlet, a voice and one to answer back. Unfortunately, by the time they answer I might as well have sent a snailmail to Santa, the response would be as quick.
As I hope is obvious, I'm just ranting here. He really is a good t, and I know he's got what's best for me as his priority in my treatment. I'm just supremely frustrated right now. It doesn't help that the ex left a message for me on the phone last night, and will be stopping by uninvited at some point this week. Don't suppose that's helping any of these feelings. Arrrgghhh!

Thanks for listening, Quay

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((Quay)))))))))))))) You sound just like I did some time back. I didn't think that I was affected. I wanted to deal with TODAY!!!! I didn't know how much of my yesterday affected my today...that was the clincher. Now that I've gone into that, I see so many direct relations and have been able to make so many changes!

It's so scary, I know. I had to go to 2 hours a week so that I could deal. Can you ask t for that? Can you say, "Ok, if we're going to do this, I need such and such?"

I so hear you on this and wish you so well.

kd

[Twinks]

((((((((((Quay))))))))))

Well, as usual, we're having similar experiences.

For a long time I resisted my T's wanting to talk about the pain of my childhood. I kept telling him," I'm over that, it's history, why make me feel all that pain again?"

T's have radar, they find the stuff that's weighing us down.Talking about it is the only way to make it lose it's power. Let your T take you there.

Redirecting only works short term for me. I need my T many times during the week, but I am able to resist calling him by telling myself that the pain I am feeling is Growth Pain, not dying pain.

I also regularly tell him that since he has sliced open my soul and pulled all my guts out he better put everything back 10 times better than before. I trust that he will.

Quay, be easy on yourself, you're doing a good job.

PM me if you need to talk.

Thinking of you.

Twinks

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

((( QUAY ))) I hate when therapy gets hard or side railed. I think you like your T and know he knows the score but no..that doesnt make it easy to deal with it and all....The ex...I dont know the story..I wonder how you feel on that and if he is allowed to do that legally. My T gets upset too when I say it doesnt matter and so what...I mean it too..Its frustrating as hell

[Quay]

Hi Kimmydawn,
Thanks for understanding. I almost asked last week about what if I felt I needed to call, but I lost my nerve. I don't know about going twice. I would have to pay for all of the 2nd visit. Not so sure I could afford it. You're right though, that would make it feel more doable. I'm afraid to look to closely at all that stuff he's talking about. It feels like I'll slide right down and lose myself if I do more than peek every now and again. Maybe I'll talk to him about the options this week, and see if he has any other suggestions.

Twinks,
I agree with the redirecting - short term only. I like the imagery, Growth Pain, not dying pain. That's good. Makes it positive instead of a negative. That could help a lot.

That is exactly what I keep saying too ~ why go thru all this. It's old and meaningless, and will only make me sad. But I guess you're probably right about the radar. I think it's partly that I don't like the idea of letting him direct things, I don't like to give up control.

I particularly like the last bit about putting things back together. If you don't mind, I believe I'm going to quote you on that next time I see him.

Still don't see you around too much. Things going any better for you?

Sleeps,
How's it going? It really is frustrating as hell when they say that, isn't it. the first time he said it, I just got pissed off. He asked how I was feeling & I said, 'like walking out!" You know what his reply was? That's not a feeling. What are you feeling? What are your emotions? THE NERVE!! Then I think I wanted to hit him over the head ~~ but you're right, I do like him & I know he's making things move in the right direction. It's just hard at times.

You'll all be happy to know that after spending some time punching my pillow this morning, I felt a little better and actually got quite a bit done today. I'm not sure exactly who or what the anger was directed at, (i think my ex-husband must have been in there somewhere ) but it somehow seemed to help.

Take care, all of you, and thanks for helping me. I am feeling better, especially after your kind words. Quay

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Hey Quay cool you seem a little less stressed today. I had to lol at the pillow and that talk of feelings when you told him ..kinda lol...I once and if you knew me in person this would shock you....early on with T got a friggin FEELING WHEEL...I wanted to cram it down his throat.

I am IRL very kind and very FEELING

[Twinks]

Sleeps,

What's a feeling wheel?

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Twinks lol its a sore spot with me lol..OK its a wheel with a bunch of emotions ....then off each one smaller and similar ones...Like Fear......then the sub group of anxiety and apprehension and all that shhhyt..Like I didn't know...grrrr <-- stolen from Fuzzy.....I know my typing skills aren't the best but umm, I graduated from college and had very high SAT score did well on the GMAT so this wheel was pretty insulting....I could have added some words to it AND I FELT most of the one side of the wheel lol when he gave that to me. Oh and he also gave me some moronic smiley deals...next to them..I feel happy ..or a frowny face..I feel sad..jeeze ..He knows better now

[Twinks]

Jeeze,

Sounds preschool. I can understand why you felt insulted.

Hope my T never hands me one of those.
I might have to make up my own categories.

Twinks

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

lol Twinks we still lol about that he really knows better now but back then I was newish and he must have thought my affect was flat..when in reality I was sleep deprived and my PDOC at the time was trying all kinds of meds to help me sleep.....also HE was an idiot