at least I finally cried

(((((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))

I really, REALLY hope your daughter's concert helps. I have to go to A LOT of baseball games, and I'm always surprised how much it helps to get out of the house, even if I'm in a really really bad place.

Let us know how you're doing, okay?? And please be gentle with you. You deserve soft blankets and warm tea.

((((( zoo )))))

I hope the concert helps distract you from this nightmare for a while and helps ground you. It's SO HARD to ground yourself when you're spiraling out and in such a frantic place emotionally.

Please stay safe.....I care.

Hey,

I hope the concert went well. Try not to put pressure on yourself to go or not go next week, it's a decison that shouldnt be made when your feeling like this. Therapy isn't going to end or stop because of this, your therapist has said shes not quitting on you, so without having to even speak to her before your next session she will still be there when to go. You are in control here, you dont have to go back to therapy but you can if you choose to...deep breaths hun

zoo:

I just came to this tonight and I read through it all. I am SO sorry. I have to say this, does your T not get what it is like to deal with someone with bpd? I am assuming that is what you have as you are doing DBT. I have it too and I do DBT too. I have been where you are. You are not alone. It's not that no one is like you. I can't believe all the hurtful things she has said to you. SO unprofessional. She could have made herself clear and expressed herself without being demeaning and sarcastic. It is sad to say, but some people are just not cut out to be T's for us. Some can't hack it. And that is entirely on her and not you.

There is nothing wrong or bad or unlovable about you. I find you to be a great person. always giving people support and being there with a kind word and a safe hug. Know you are not alone, know you are not strange. Know you are the same as any other person. Worthy and loveable. I send you my safest hugs and my love. I think you are a wonderful person and I am keeping you in my good thoughts.

((zoo)) I have read and I've been thinking of you. You have having SO much pain

I'm glad that she said this, because in reading your posts, I kept having the feeling that your T made a shift in her part of therapy and that it wasn't so hot that she handled it the way she did. Her telling you that she was going to have to stop treating you as fragile was about her, but it sounded like it was about you. It would have sounded that way to me too! I think that she was thinking 'out loud' (via email) and that she could have made some changes in your therapy without causing all of this turmoil. I even think it was her responsibility to handle this completely on her own, this awareness of hers that she wanted to make a change in how she resonds to you sometimes because she wanted to help you with this and that she felt what she was doing wasn't helping (my view of what happened). I think it just came out wrong, but her intentions come from a caring place, where she cares about you getting what you need in a way that is most helpful to you.

She can help you and her get through this so you feel better.

frantic is the word that best describes how I have been feeling. I have always hated that word and its use to describe BPD: frantic attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Maybe I have hated it because it hit a nerve.

My thoughts, right now, are a little more centered. I talked to my best friend and to my sister both a couple of times today, and that helped. In a lot of ways I want to cut off contact with my T, because she has hurt me and I don't want to give her the chance to do that any more. BUT.

But. If I can somehow work through this with her, it will be huge for me. So much of what this is triggering in me is from my earliest childhood and my relationship with my mom. I have here an opportunity to work through some of this, and if I can do that then it will mean that this pain I am in right now will have a purpose. It will be for a reason, and it will result in me moving ahead and finally getting rid of stuff I have carried my entire life.

I also cannot stomach the idea of having my relationship with T end on this note. I have to give myself a chance to say the things I need to say and to know that I did my best and that I didn't burn the bridge while acting out of emotion mind.

((((hugs))))

I think you are so right in this post, especially the end paragraph, in saying you have to give yourself a chance to say what you need to and not burn your bridges out of emotion!

I'm sorry if the word Frantic upset you, it wasn't intended. I feel this way about the word manipulation with regards to borderline ( i am also borderline). I was looking for a word that described the inner panic that you were feeling i think moreso than anything

Im glad talking to your sister and friend has helped a bit also !

There is so much wisdom right here, zoo Hang onto this, because it's true.

When we can use such big, deep pain for healing, I think the healing can match the pain - big, and deep.

Swim, swim, swim...and float a little when you need to

Hi Zoo,
I do DBT too.
I hear you saying that although you are very angry with your T, a large part of you does want to work through this relationship issue. This is the thing, there are things wrong on both sides. Coaching calls should be for coaching only. Relationship issues with your therapist are best talked about face to face. I think that is what she is reacting to. If you can radically accept those limits that would be better for you and respecting her limits.

However, for her, you could do the dear man and explain that sarcasm is not validating and not accepting you for who you are no matter what. It is her reacting to you. She has responsibilities to you too in DBT and although she might not be perfect at it, she does need to work towards doing it the way it is supposed to be and that includes accepting you, all of you no matter what.

You might want to talk about the calls. Calling her for reassurance is not part of DBT. I do understand your wanting to! I do understand your need. It is just not going to help you. Coaching calls are for help with life problems as well as when you feel like you might harm yourself.

Do you go to DBT group?
When you feel like calling just for reassurance, you could do some distracting, pushing away, etc.

((((((((zoo)))))))) no time for a longer reply, but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you today and you CAN make it, you are making it! you are doing well seeing what you can gain by working this through with T!

Based on your posts, it seems your T is trying to get you to be more indpendent, in my opinion. However, it appears toj be backfiring massively. You have a right to tell her that this is not working for you. I don't know her motivations for being so harsh, but if it is hurting you, then she needs to knock that crap off and find a new approach.
There's a reason you need reassurance and you want to call her and all that. She should be exploring that with you to help you grow stronger, not fussing at you about it.
Remember why you are in therapy and keep your goals in mind. Maybe that will help you.

How are you doing today Zoo??

I'm going to try to keep this short. I really just wanted to come here and say that I'm here and I'm okay, and I might be taking a little bit of a break from PC. It might be a few hours or it might be a few days, but I feel like I need to put all of this T stuff on the back burner. I need some space to feel safe and to feel that I'm okay.

I want to thank you all for your messages and your PMs and your love and support. I will come back here and continue posting, I just need to step back and focus my mind on other things.

To answer a question, I am not in DBT group any more. I went through the entire set of modules twice, which took a year, and then I was done. I wasn't given the option of continuing, although my Ts office does have a phase 2 group that meets irregularly.

I kept myself busy this morning, and was ok. I took a nap in the early afternoon, which is something I rarely do. I woke up feeling quiet and as the day goes on I am mostly just sad. I am not frantic any more. I have no urge to call or email or speak to T.

I am still planning on going to my scheduled appt on Tues and I have been journaling a lot of things that have come up today. I forgot, I think, how much journaling helps. If I don't write it down I'm afraid I will forget, and then I try to hold it all in my mind, and it is too much and too confusing.

I'm going to take my journal in with me, and probably print out my posts from this thread. I don't know if I'm going there to work things out or to say goodbye, I guess it depends on what T says and does during the session, and how it feels to be with her. I am forcing myself to go, though, because I want to end it on my terms. I want to say the things I think I need to say. I want to leave with my head held high and not shaking and in tears like last week.

((((((((((((zoo))))))))))))

I'm so glad you're journalling.

I used to be afraid to write things down, because I was afraid in black and white they would be so REAL...but what I found out was that when I write things down, it contains them and brings them down to size. Instead of this big swirly endless mess bouncing around in my head, there's this kind of finite thing on a piece of paper.

I'm still scared to journal, usually, and I have to fight myself to get myself to do it...and then every time I'm surprised all over again how much it helps.

GOOD for you for taking care of yourself. Busy and naps and quiet and journals are good. Feeling your feelings is good. You are doing good, good work.

All the best to you. Do what is best for you, you are the most important thing in this situation.