[confused and dazed]

Hi,
I am not sure what has been going on with me lately. I think I am having "negative transference" towards my T. It seems everything he says 'ticks' me off. In the last few weeks, I have. insulted the decor in his office, told hime he needs to quit being so damn nice, I have walked out of session early 2 times, told him he needs to start responding "normal" to me (he told me he is, and that my "normal" is from an abusive life and he would never, ever hurt or abuse me, thus would not treat me my type of "normal"),. I have gotten upset with him for being caring and understanding... goodness... what is going on with me?. We are digging into some very painful stuff from my past right now, and perhaps that is what is triggering it. I have talked to him about this (he says he already knew because I have been "looking daggers" at him each week), but he was waiting for me to tell him. He also says my anger shows him how much I now trust him... (of course, that made me mad too) I sure hope this passes soon..... Believe it or not, i really like him. I just wish I was not always so mad at him.

Has anyone else gone through this with their T?

[Brighid]

First of all Hugs for you That has to be difficult to go through. So far, I have not had any negative transferences with my T.....although, after spilling my guts yesterday, I have a feeling I may get somewhat emotional at some point...but.... I think you are right in saying that 'maybe' it is the talking of the painful things has triggered it and your only outlet to express it is him?? This may be a good thing in regards to figuring out why you are so hurt. Either way, I hope this journey recently turns out well for you I'm here for you

[confused and dazed]

Originally Posted by Brighid

First of all Hugs for you That has to be difficult to go through. So far, I have not had any negative transferences with my T.....although, after spilling my guts yesterday, I have a feeling I may get somewhat emotional at some point...but.... I think you are right in saying that 'maybe' it is the talking of the painful things has triggered it and your only outlet to express it is him?? This may be a good thing in regards to figuring out why you are so hurt. Either way, I hope this journey recently turns out well for you I'm here for you

Thank you I sooo needed the Hug

He is the only person I feel safe with.... hmm..... He also thinks my anger towards him/my childhood, is a "good thing"

((((((((((confused)))))))))))

Yep. I have SO been there.

I went through this time when T just made me SO ANGRY. He wasn't even doing anything to make me angry...it was more like every thing he did just made me SO mad. I would be standing in the shower and he would pop into my head and I would literally say out loud "T is such an a**hole". Or I would get off the phone with him and say out loud "I HATE him".

Now, I can see that I really did feel safe with him, and I was taking all of the anger that I was "supposed" to feel at the people who hurt me while I was growing up and putting it all on T. Really, it was a good thing. It was good for me to feel anger, and it was good for me to direct it at someone safe, who wouldn't hurt me or abandon me.

Slowly, slowly, slowly, over time, I'm learning to feel some anger at the "right" people, but it's almost like I needed the practice with T first. Anger is really, really uncomfortable and scary for me, so it was good for me to experience it being safe and acceptable.

Good for you for telling T how you're feeling. I remember T telling me once that I looked like a "fiery little dragon" when I was angry and not willing to admit it. I think THAT finally made me angry enough that I started talking about how I was feeling.

Hang in there...it won't last forever, and it sounds like you have a really good T

[confused and dazed]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((confused)))))))))))

Yep. I have SO been there.

I went through this time when T just made me SO ANGRY. He wasn't even doing anything to make me angry...it was more like every thing he did just made me SO mad. I would be standing in the shower and he would pop into my head and I would literally say out loud "T is such an a**hole". Or I would get off the phone with him and say out loud "I HATE him".

Now, I can see that I really did feel safe with him, and I was taking all of the anger that I was "supposed" to feel at the people who hurt me while I was growing up and putting it all on T. Really, it was a good thing. It was good for me to feel anger, and it was good for me to direct it at someone safe, who wouldn't hurt me or abandon me.

Slowly, slowly, slowly, over time, I'm learning to feel some anger at the "right" people, but it's almost like I needed the practice with T first. Anger is really, really uncomfortable and scary for me, so it was good for me to experience it being safe and acceptable.

Good for you for telling T how you're feeling. I remember T telling me once that I looked like a "fiery little dragon" when I was angry and not willing to admit it. I think THAT finally made me angry enough that I started talking about how I was feeling.

Hang in there...it won't last forever, and it sounds like you have a really good T

Thank you,
Your response make soooo much sense to me. I think I do need some one to "pratice being angry at" who is safe. I have never been able to be angry at my abusers ( so would have not been safe). I hope one day to be angry at the right people. Yes, my T is really wonderful.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by confused and dazed

Has anyone else gone through this with their T?

I have had some negative transference towards my T a few times and it was hard. It wasn't the angry kind but the kind where I expected him to react like my parents had, in a condemnatory way if I shared a particular something with him. This was really hard for me. I wanted to share this thing with him but absolutely couldn't because I was sure he would react badly. We talked about this and it did not help. I know he is not my parents and it would be uncharacteristic of him to act so judgmentally, as he never has. But it was just a potent feeling. I could not overcome it. I felt very bad for thinking he would be like this but I couldn't help it, and I did apologize to him for thinking ill of him in this way. I really don't see him that way. Oh, well. I just had to drop the topic because of those strong, negative feelings. I hope to come back to that topic one day and try again.

[ladyjrnlist]

I hated my T when we first started and was rude, obnoxious, and nasty to him. He just kept on like he didn't notice. I was resisting his help and I was afraid of therapy, very afraid. I didn't want him to hurt me.
After a while, it got better. But, it did take some time. I think it's OK what you are going through. Your defenses are up right now. It's very hard to put that kind of trust in someone when people we loved/love had it and betrayed it.
Remember, if he is a good T, he is doing this because he cares and he has no plans to hurt you. He's been trained on how not to hurt you, too. Keep that in mind. It may make you feel a little more secure.
There are still times when we have an intense session that I leave really pissed at my T. He didn't do anything, I think he's just a safe target for those feelings. So we talk it out and he tells me I get mad at him because he's the one who "made" me recall the bad thing or whatever. Said it's totally normal.
Hope this helps.

[online user]

My T saw that I was angry and when we talked about my family and I was the bad sheep and the angry one--he said, "And you were the only one who is really successful, right?" And it was true! He saw my anger and understood where it came from and that it was a good thing for me.

I also remember when my sisters two daughters were growing up--the little red head was always in trouble; the older blonde was so shy and behaved so well. I rooted for the redhead--I said, "Yeah, she's like me! She'll be OK." And you know what? She is; the older girl has schizophrenia like her mother. I think having anger in certain situations is good. Now I'm trying to learn to control my anger and just use it when it is appropriate. Hope you'll get there too. I think you're OK!

[SoupDragon]

My T has told me in the past to keep coming even if he turns all bad - he hasn't, but I am assuming at some point I may think he has and that is therefore part of the process

[confused and dazed]

Thank you all for your replys. It is so nice to know I am not the only one who has gone through this.

Sunrise:
I think part of me expects him to treat/react to me like my family did, and when he doesnt, I do not know what to do/feel about it....

Ladyjrnlist:
I definalty understand about hating my T when first starting.. Long story short, I was court ordered to see him.. and I hated him before I even met him. T and I have talked/laughed about that now.. but at the begining it was a constant battle of wills and much protesting

Online user:
"My T saw that I was angry and when we talked about my family and I was the bad sheep and the angry one--he said, "And you were the only one who is really successful, right?" And it was true! He saw my anger and understood where it came from and that it was a good thing for me." ( I do not know how to do quotes yet so I copy/paste)

This is sooooo... my story too

SoupDragon:
T has told me that sometimes being "ticked" at him is the best time to come and see him, and I can be angry all I want. lol and of course... that mad me angry tooo, I guess I'm looking for a "fight", and he is not accomodating me

Thank you all and a great big to all of you!

[WePow]

Oh gosh yes. Even still. Everyone says how wonderful my T is... well those who know what I write about him on PC. And he really is great. But I have this reverse of romantic transference toward him. It is the strangest thing because when I read posts about that type of thing, I get jelous of those types of feelings! My T is so wonderful that I think to myself "I should be head over heals for him." But I'm not - and not that it is a healthy "I'm not" ... It is more like a "Internally I hate him very much and am terrified of his kindness!" UGGG! It drives me bonkers at times!
I actually FORCE myself to write him the positive stuff I have after sessions - my good emotions when a good session happened - because I WANT to feel GOOD about relationships that are healthy. It is like others were saying, unless I am being abused, I honestly don't know how to feel love for other people.

I just hope if I keep on working on the relationship that I will start to feel that healthy love more and be able to enjoy that with others IRL.

[confused and dazed]

Originally Posted by WePow

Oh gosh yes. Even still. Everyone says how wonderful my T is... well those who know what I write about him on PC. And he really is great. But I have this reverse of romantic transference toward him. It is the strangest thing because when I read posts about that type of thing, I get jelous of those types of feelings! My T is so wonderful that I think to myself "I should be head over heals for him." But I'm not - and not that it is a healthy "I'm not" ... It is more like a "Internally I hate him very much and am terrified of his kindness!" UGGG! It drives me bonkers at times!
I actually FORCE myself to write him the positive stuff I have after sessions - my good emotions when a good session happened - because I WANT to feel GOOD about relationships that are healthy. It is like others were saying, unless I am being abused, I honestly don't know how to feel love for other people.

I just hope if I keep on working on the relationship that I will start to feel that healthy love more and be able to enjoy that with others IRL.

Hi,
I have never had a romantic type transference for him, but I usualy like him. So this being angry at (as he has done nothing to deseve it) is confusing. (sigh... just last week I had to bite holes in my tounge just so I would not insult his shoes.) I seem not to know how to handle his acceptance of me. ( perhaps it is due to what we are talking about now) I seem to be looking for a fight (for him to treat me how I am/was used to be treated) When the fight/abuse doesn't happen, I just don't know what to do or how to react and I get angry. I too seem to not know how to feel love or be loved with out the abuse.
Thank you

[Transcending1]

My T keeps asking me if I have any feelings of hostility towards him. I just keep saying, "Why should I? You've done nothing to anger me yet." Maybe anger during sessions is normal and a lack of it is a negative transference. It's certainly a normal emotion for those of us who suffered abuse/neglect as children. I'm probably avoiding the emotion for fear of rejection or abandonment. It's probably a sign of personal growth and definitely an opportunity to explore.