[Twinks]

I thought I was over the feelings that I had for my T.
As a matter of fact, I was congratulating myself on growing through it.

Now they seem to be back stronger than ever.
The worst part is that I don't even feel like I have a crush on him in the usual sense.
I kind of feel irritated with him.
But I'm obsessed with having sex with him.

I feel driven to conquer him somehow. What the hell is wrong with me? I like my T and don't want to hurt him.

I know this sounds sick. It feels sick to me too, but I'm at a loss as how to resolve it. I can't talk to him about this, it's too dangerous.

It's even kind of dangerous to disclose it here.

Drowning.

Twinks

[dottie]

Hi Twinks. I am pretty sure that most of us have had taboo feelings. The thing is..we can choose to either act on those feelings or size them up to be what they are and would lead too..and choose to NOT act on them. That is what seperates man from beast. I hope that helps ya'!! Good luck!!!

[JustBen]

I think dottie is right on the money. At least you know not to act on these feelings. That's the important thing, I think. You say that it would be dangerous to talk to him about it. Can you tell us why?

maybe you can just explore the meaning of your desires without making yourself feel ashamed of them. What would it mean for you to sleep with a man that annoyes you at times? Why is it important for sex to be apart of your relationship with him? What more would it add or what would it signify for you?

[GeminiButterfly]

Not trying to make light of this..but any man I have slept with annoyed me at times...

I think the very nature of the relationship with our T's are so emotionally charged. We give them our biggest secrets, fears, etc. And hopefully they are kind. So the relationship is as complicated as any "regular" man we would be seeing.
This may not help..but I do understand, Twinks.

[Chalkdust]

I can't believe that I am going to write this...no less while I am at my mother-in-law's house but here it goes. I several years ago had worked with a guy who at the time had been my T for probably about a year at that point......when gradually I started to realize I had feelings for him! I am male and am not gay but no less the feelings were there. After several sessions of not saying anything I decided to talk with him. He did not request that I find another T nor did he make me feel bad about it. Infact he said it was normal for clients to feel this way. I was able to work through it and then I had Therapy with him for about 6 years after that too. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but it was worth it...telling him. Anyway I am not saying for you to say anything....thats certainly upp to you just thought I would give my input. 8-)

Tobey

[gardenergirl]

I can imagine those feelings are confusing and maybe embarrassing, but please know they aren't sick or disgusting. It's a common and normal response to the intensity of therapy. You can read more about it in an excellent book called "In Session" by Deborah Lott. She writes about women's experiences in therapy and what kinds of feelings, thoughts, and events can occur. It's an excellent resource for clients and therapists alike.

Take care,
gg

[Twinks]

Thank you all for your thoughtful input. Thank you for caring.

I agree with everything said, I know intellectually that this is just some type of place holder for something else I have missed out on in my childhood.

But that knowledge doesn't make these feelings go away.

I did tell him about my feelings back in the summer, I tried to anyway, but he didn't make it easy, and never brought it up again so I'm all alone with it.

I saw him today and we talked about my feelings of despair and giving up. He wanted to know what that meant to me. I said I wasn't sure. He says I'm a fighter but he seemed alarmed with my attitude today, So did I.

Once again he brought up the idea of increasing my sessions to twice a week. But I don't want to do that.
I already feel too dependant on him and think that might put me over the edge. I feel like he is becoming a part of me somehow.

I'm so confused and depressed.

If this post is inappropriate I'm sorry. Please delete it.

Twinks

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Twinks I don't think your post is inapproprate at all...its how you feel and it is honest. Thats the right kind of post in my book. From one who KNOWS how you FEEL ...and this may get me in deep do by some but I would not go to two sessions a week unless you two dive into this cause it will make you want him more and more....

[eskielover]

I guess I was very lucky because the relationship I had with my previous Psychologist was like my Father. He was kind & gentle & caring....I respected him & cared for him as a father. Guess that was because it was what I had always imagined the relationship should be with my Father but never was.

I am still in contact with him & check with him & how he is doing after his back surgery. We had some problems because he was having back problems at the time I went through the trauma & my Mothers death at the end of last year & beginning of this year. He just couldn't help me deal with the trauma for some reason.....& was limiting his practice to out of his house. I ended up going back to the psychologist I had 8 years ago close to home & we have our dressage riding & horses in common. It is getting kind of expensive for me but holding of trying to go back to him because she is able to work with me & hope I am getting somewhere.

I did have a psychologist that practiced in the medical hospital I was in for a couple of months at the beginning of the year. I remember feeling that he was really awsome but I can't remember much about that period of my life & don't really know why I thought he was so good. I remember being able to really open up with him considering I didn't know him at all.....I had never been able to open up that much or that quickly with anyone in my life & don't know how it happened. He was very professional & seemed to help me go through everything I was going through including being so physically sick. I wish I remembered more about that period of time & the communications we had.....but that isn't going to happen.

When I first went to a psychologist, I remember going to a good looking one, but was so afraid of the psychology environment I couldn't open up no matter what I thought of him....& he was pretty cool.

What you are explaining reminds me of relationships I had when I was young & in school & attracted to guys who were in no way interested in me for whatever reason.

Hope you can put your feelings into perspective & come to terms with them.
Debbie

[Quay]

Hi Twinks,

As usual, let me ditto that posting. I definitely understand your dilemma.

I've been able to maintain some sort of distance from my T for a long time. I have this habit of falling in "crush" with any male authority figure that gives me even a small amount of attention. I recognized the pattern with my last physician and was determined to leave the crush with my doc, and not move on to my T. The last 2 mon however, its as if a wall suddenly fell somehow. I realized I've pretty much let my T "in" so to speak. It seemed to stem from his kind of subtle encouragment to have the emails I sent him mirror my journal. It was a little uncomfortable to realize after a bit that I was now journalling to him, but I've tried not to look at that too hard. Then, two sessions ago, I sat down as usual and turned to look at my T, and realized the man looking back at me was definitely an attractive, good looking man. ULP!!! When did that happen???? Eye contact has definitely dropped off since then. Like you say, I know it's me, and somehow related to T and whatever I missed someplace along the way, but I don't know what to do with it.

I have that same draw you were mentioning. I feel like I want to lean on him more, that I need more support if I'm going to look at some of this other stuff... But if I do that, it will only muck up the water more. I almost asked him last week about it, but realized where the question was going half way through and refused to continue. I'm hoping he won't return to the issue this week.

You mentioned how your T has not brought the issue up again... The reason i'm hoping my T won't, is that he has a policy of letting the client choose the issues to discuss. He almost never brings up a topic, or returns to a topic, unless I introduce it. Is it possible that's the reason your T hasn't returned to the subject; that he's figuring it was dealt with unless you say something to the contrary?

It's kind of ironic somehow. I just never thought therapy would be about this... Learning to deal with being attracted to the guy, & trying to find ways not to feel too dependent on them.

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time right now with depression. It's definitely a really tough place to be. I was happy last week to at last be able to see that there are hills and valleys for me. A bad day or three doesn't mean they all will be, suddenly I'll get up one morning and actually have a decent day for a change. It's given me hope. I wish the same for you.

Take care, and thanks for the thread, Quay