I am really wondering if it is time for me to take a break from therapy.

I have made a LOT of positive changes in my life since starting therapy. A lot. I've let myself connect more with my Self, and with my family, and with my friends, and my higher power, and the world around me. I've given up a whole laundry list of bad coping skills. I'm learning to sit with my feelings, even when they just suck. I'm more open and honest with me and with the people around me. I am way, way, way more present than I used to be. I'm still making changes, and my life is starting to look more like I always hoped it would.

I also know that I tend to fall apart a little bit without therapy, and slide backwards. In some ways, I think therapy makes me safe enough to do all of the stuff I'm doing.

AND I hate therapy. I love T so much, and I hate how much I love him. AND I am getting the sense that there is some kind of countertransference going on...and I don't even know how to read it. Maybe T loves me so much that he's pulling back and screwing up. Or maybe T is soooooo sick of me that he's pulling back and screwing up. Or MAYBE T's life is crazy and he's just screwing up with EVERYONE and it has nothing to do with me.

But the thing is, unfortunately, a lot of my peace has to do with my relationship with T. And when that gets screwed up, so does my peace. Obviously, I want to grow past that point, but that's where I'm at right NOW.

AND we tend to have ruptures when we get to the hard stuff. We are at the hard stuff again. Maybe it's just that. Maybe I get too needy and T pushes me away and and we rupture. Or maybe T is just himself and I freak out about nothing and there is a rupture. Sometimes I think both T AND I don't want to "go there" with the little kid CSA stuff, and we BOTH do our part to send us into rupture and avoid the topic.

I know the thing to do is to talk to T about all of this. And I will. Tomorrow, at 4, when I have my appt.

See, this is the screwy thing. I know I will OBSESS about this until tomorrow at 4 (or until I hear from T, whichever comes first) and that is SO not being present in my life. AND THAT IS WHY I HATE THERAPY!

Thoughts? Anyone?!

[perpetuallysad]

Maybe you need a different t? Would you work better with someone else? It seems like the two of you have some things that might make therapy harder? Or it could just be that you are afraid to talk about the CSA and that is making you want to back out of therapy all together.

BTW, you sound like you think a lot like I do...always going in circles with everything. And I anticipate what I THINK other people are going to think or do in relation to what I think or do.

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

you sound like you think a lot like I do...always going in circles with everything.

HA! Isn't THAT the truth!! Sheesh, it's crazy making.

Thanks for pointing that out. I think I will try to pull myself out of this spiraly place I'm in and go peel potatoes for dinner.

Ok, I was just kidding. I did peel potatoes but I am still spiraling.

I had pretty much decided that it's time for me to quit therapy. Not in anger. Just in "I'm done". Just "I'm tired of thinking about T". Just "I want to move on".

Then I read this in an article about therapy online:

It’s usually not a good idea to stop just because you start to touch uncomfortably strong feelings or issues. Or you get scared of your feelings or impulses that are coming up. It can be tempting at this point to think that therapy is not working or just making you worse. Strong feelings, including those about the therapy, are actually a great reason to continue. You are now getting ready to do some of the real work, discovery and healing. The deeper problems are now within reach and are available to be explored.



I guess there is a place between "all" and "nothing". Maybe it's time to take a break, or go down to once a week. I don't KNOW!!!!!

[lifelesstraveled]

((((treehouse))))

... yes definitely talk to T about this

[perpetuallysad]

You go more than once a week? Maybe that would help, to go less often.

You think too much. I say that in jest, but there is some truth in it. You're over-thinking. Go down to one session a week if you are doing more. Maybe that will help you try your wings, so to speak, but still have the support you need from therapy. Your over-thinking is probably what is leading to all your ruptures. No one can stand up to that much scrutiny. Try to chill out a bit about therapy. Cutting back on your visits might help. I don't know. Talk it over with your t. Maybe just print off your initial post here and let him read it. It certainly does a pretty good job of showing all your conflicting feelings.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Your over-thinking is probably what is leading to all your ruptures.

T is awesome but not perfect and we are both able to own our own parts in our ruptures. There are two of us in the room, and he is always ready and willing to look at how his actions affect our relationship, as am I. I feel lucky that I have a therapist who has taught me so skillfully to handle conflict, without needing to point fingers or place blame.

Treehouse, I tend to agree with what you posted about not stopping therapy due to strong feelings. To suddenly feel like stopping in the middle of such difficult work? To me that suggests that there's more behind your feelings than may meet the eye. Perhaps you're looking for more ways to contain the session so you can get on with your life the rest of the time? Maybe trying once per week again would give you more time off in between? Maybe just having time off over the holidays will meet this need and you'll come back recharged? I'm sure you're tired of getting overwhelmed and feel like you just want it to stop sometimes. I just think it may be that the only way out is through. Good luck figuring it out - your T sounds like he'll be a good sounding board for your feelings and help you make the best choice for you.

[ECHOES]

It’s usually not a good idea to stop just because you start to touch uncomfortably strong feelings or issues. Or you get scared of your feelings or impulses that are coming up. It can be tempting at this point to think that therapy is not working or just making you worse. Strong feelings, including those about the therapy, are actually a great reason to continue. You are now getting ready to do some of the real work, discovery and healing. The deeper problems are now within reach and are available to be explored.

tree, Thanks for posting this.

Tree, good luck tomorrow figuring this out with your T - I know you'll reach a good decision!

I agree that it's not a good time to stop, that these strong feelings are probably leading to something more that will end up being healing.

[googley]

(((((Tree)))))
Not meaning this as a bad thing. However, it seems that when you get close to bad feelings you often post about wanting to quit T because you are afraid of what it might bring up. But then often you decide to continue. It seems like a pattern. Is this really you wanting to quit or your fear of what might come up?

[Miracle1986]

(((treehouse)))

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm glad you're going to address this with your T....

...and it kinda makes me think that perhaps I have a similar issue to address with T....that I spend so much time thinking (obsessing) about our sessions, group, the group blog, etc. that I am missing out on LIFE.....But at the same time, I notice that I feel this way the most when I'm feeling run-down and weary....or when I'm facing the tough work that I'm still trying to avoid.

*sigh*

[BlueMoon6]

Sorry Im late to this thread, Tree

When I read it I SO thought that Id feel the same way. Of course, I dont believe you should quit therapy or find another T. And I agree that when the the feelings get so strong and so painful and feel SO unmanageable that leaving or a break seems like the only option.

I think you are a very intuitive person and if you think that there is some countertransference going on, and you know it has happened in the past, then there probably is. I am NOT going to discount that he could possibly be not wanting to go there (csa) with you again and see you in pain. He does love you. He is a therapist, he is a professional, but you two have a close bond and it could just possibly be that he hurts watching you hurt. I would not say that you are overthinking anything.

The solution is to talk ALL of this out with T tomorrow. You and he both know the pattern of doing difficult work and then having ruptures. Sigh.....I would say...follow t's lead to get through the rupture. He has set a wonderful example of how to resolve a conflict without blame and pointing fingers. What an important life lesson he knows you and your story and how to help you. I cannot imagine you with another T. But I can see how your mind would go there with so much confusion about what might be going on in your mind (obsessing) and in his.

I love you Post in the morning before your 4:00 appointment

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Sometimes I think both T AND I don't want to "go there" with the little kid CSA stuff, and we BOTH do our part to send us into rupture and avoid the topic.

This has a ring of plausibility to it. It seems like it has happened before with you and T. What would worry me is that if you quit with T, then when will you do the CSA work, and with who? If you don't do it with someone, you will carry that forever. I want the best for you--I would like to see you work on it with T and leave that burden behind. I know what I want isn't necessarily what you want or what you know to be best for you, but I hope at least, that you can talk about some of the ideas you've written with your T and see what he says.

I agree with what you wrote about strong feelings not being the time to stop therapy. Maybe doing therapy just once a week would help lessen the intensity.

[Sannah]

I think that everything comes out in our relationships with others, especially when we are trying to get healthy. All those dysfunctional patterns that we learned while growing up just keep coming out in these relationships. They are opportunities to repair things. They really are gifts...........

[itsmeshorti]

"It’s usually not a good idea to stop just because you start to touch uncomfortably strong feelings or issues. Or you get scared of your feelings or impulses that are coming up. It can be tempting at this point to think that therapy is not working or just making you worse. Strong feelings, including those about the therapy, are actually a great reason to continue. You are now getting ready to do some of the real work, discovery and healing. The deeper problems are now within reach and are available to be explored."

Thank you for this post. It makes alot of sense. Just when I think it's time to quit therapy because I am thinking too much of therapy. Not the work we do but about the sessions themselves. Good topic for next session.