Obsessing Over Therapy

itsmeshorti · May 15, 2011, 06:47 PM

Ok guys a little background first. A couple months ago I was very depressed, dealing with suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and panic attacks.

I know therapy is working because I can feel my anxiety lifting I usually feel powerful after a session like I can do anything. I am finding ways to deal with situations, I find myself thinking of her advice and following through with it. My life is definitely changing for the better. It's this whole changing process that is hard. I keep going back and forth with negative thinking and using therapy skills to cope. Then those feelings slowly dissipate and I am left being the same scared little girl, afraid to make a move until my next therapy session.

She is a great T, I have told her about my sexual feelings for her she said she is ok with me using her as a vehicle toward recovery. LOL When I am in therapy I only see her as a therapist, a professional, it's in between the sessions the fantasies begin, and the concern of what she will think of me. She is very on task, which I appreciate. I have no doubts about her skills as a psychologist. I do worry all of the time that she is going to tell me she cannot help me anymore that I will have to find a new T. I brought this up in our last session, but she would not validate it, I just need to hear her say she can continue to work with me. Ouch! I feel comfortable talking to her about everything, but this.... I am so worried about becoming that "annoying" client, the one she sighs about as I walk in the door. I have thought what if I were to find a new T, but I think it would be a repeat of this one, and who wants to start over again. I would really like to work this through.

My issue is therapy itself. This has created a whole new level of anxiety. I am always ruminating over each session and how to talk about the next issue. It does not stop, even if I reach a decision I replay the "to be" scene over and over again. Like I need to be prepared. I need to anticipate what she may say, and what my response will be. I think right now worrying about therapy is one of the things holding me back from making more progress. This is very distracting to the progress I have made. I also believe this obsessive thinking is what landed me in therapy. The inability to leave a thought alone and focus on the task at hand. Always in my head, never fully present. I am so stressed about the next session I cannot even meditate, which is even more frustrating.

Our last session I told her I have obsessive thoughts of therapy, I am worried she thought I was obsessing over her. She asked me to document every time I think and feel anxious and we will talk next time. Ugh I think this whole self exploration is what is exhausting. I have thought of asking for more sessions so there is not so much time between sessions to ruminate. I have hinted at this with her but she did not pick up on it. I am afraid to ask, afraid she will tell me no. I know I have a lot more work to do. I am not ready to be on my own yet. But I need to get past the roadblock of "therapy" to make more progress.

I have thought of leaving therapy so I wouldn't have the anxiety of therapy anymore. But I think this would be counterproductive. Since I am going to deal with anxious thoughts.... It's actually the reason I quit going to therapy last time. When I first left I felt awesome like I could do anything, but those old habits and feelings came back. Probably because I left too soon to deal with them.

So has anyone else had the same issues and how did you deal with them? How do you get past therapy to work on therapy? Yeah I guess I am always wondering if I am "doing it right". I have thought of printing out this post and giving it to her, and that creates a whole new level of anxiety.

Sorry for this being so long. Any tips would definitely be appreciated.

May 15, 2011, 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by itsmeshorti

Ok guys a little background first. A couple months ago I was very depressed, dealing with suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and panic attacks.

I know therapy is working because I can feel my anxiety lifting I usually feel powerful after a session like I can do anything. I am finding ways to deal with situations, I find myself thinking of her advice and following through with it.

My life is definitely changing for the better. It's this whole changing process that is hard. I keep going back and forth with negative thinking and using therapy skills to cope. Then those feelings slowly dissipate and I am left being the same scared little girl, afraid to make a move until my next therapy session.

She is a great T, I have told her about my sexual feelings for her she said she is ok with me using her as a vehicle toward recovery. LOL When I am in therapy I only see her as a therapist, a professional, it's in between the sessions the fantasies begin, and the concern of what she will think of me. Yes, been there done that. If you haven't read my thread, "OMG! I can't believe I confessed that to her" it may be helpful (and humorous) for you to read.

She is very on task, which I appreciate. I have no doubts about her skills as a psychologist. I do worry all of the time that she is going to tell me she cannot help me anymore that I will have to find a new T. I brought this up in our last session, but she would not validate it, I just need to hear her say she can continue to work with me. I fear termination all the time. Fear that I will say something to upset her, or do something that will make her mad. I also need to hear her validate that she is not going to terminate me. We do email, so I have it in past emails. I can go back and read her words. That can be comforting. But I still don't believe it.

Ouch! I feel comfortable talking to her about everything, but this.... I am so worried about becoming that "annoying" client, the one she sighs about as I walk in the door. I have thought what if I were to find a new T, but I think it would be a repeat of this one, and who wants to start over again. I would really like to work this through.What makes you think you are annoying?

My issue is therapy itself. This has created a whole new level of anxiety. I am always ruminating over each session and how to talk about the next issue. It does not stop, even if I reach a decision I replay the "to be" scene over and over again. I have often said that we need a therapy 'coach' just to be in therapy!! It is the hardest thing to go through. Much harder than I would ever have anticipated.

Like I need to be prepared. I need to anticipate what she may say, and what my response will be. I think right now worrying about therapy is one of the things holding me back from making more progress. This is very distracting to the progress I have made. I also believe this obsessive thinking is what landed me in therapy. I feel the same way. I spend WAY TOO MUCH TIME worrying myself sick between sessions. I journal a lot, so that gets out some of the emotions. But, my anxiety is 100 times worse since beginning therapy. Often times I feel like I am worse now than when I started. I cannot stop thinking about therapy!!

The inability to leave a thought alone and focus on the task at hand. Always in my head, never fully present. I am so stressed about the next session I cannot even meditate, which is even more frustrating. This is common with many of us. I wish I knew how to stop it, but I don't.

Our last session I told her I have obsessive thoughts of therapy, I am worried she thought I was obsessing over her. She asked me to document every time I think and feel anxious and we will talk next time. Ugh I think this whole self exploration is what is exhausting. That would be like every 10 minutes for me!

I have thought of asking for more sessions so there is not so much time between sessions to ruminate. I have hinted at this with her but she did not pick up on it. I am afraid to ask, afraid she will tell me no. I know I have a lot more work to do. I am not ready to be on my own yet. But I need to get past the roadblock of "therapy" to make more progress. I am in quick sand and sinking fast. Stuck? Drowning? Yes, that is where I am and I cannot get out. It seems they don't throw you a life raft, they just watch you struggle to get yourself out!

I have thought of leaving therapy so I wouldn't have the anxiety of therapy anymore. But I think this would be counterproductive. Since I am going to deal with anxious thoughts.... It's actually the reason I quit going to therapy last time. When I first left I felt awesome like I could do anything, but those old habits and feelings came back. Probably because I left too soon to deal with them. Leaving therapy? That thought comes to mind constantly. Like you, I feel like the anxiety would leave if I just stopped going. But, it won't. If I stop therapy at this point, I will worry myself sick that I did the wrong thing. Either way, I feel like I am going to be stressed out. At least if I stay in therapy, there is hope to get better. If I quit, I think I am hopeless.

So has anyone else had the same issues and how did you deal with them? How do you get past therapy to work on therapy? Yeah I guess I am always wondering if I am "doing it right". I have thought of printing out this post and giving it to her, and that creates a whole new level of anxiety. I often question if I am doing it right. My therapist tells me that there is no certain way to do therapy. There is no right or wrong. That is the beauty of therapy. You are in control of your sessions.

I am not sure I like that. I would rather have some kind of workbook or something to help me get through this!

Sorry for this being so long. Any tips would definitely be appreciated.

What I can say is that you sound totally normal to me. I could have written this post word for word. All of it. The sexual attraction, too. That is a killer to confess. Thank God, I am past that (for now).

I am totally obsessed with therapy and it is affecting my life in a negative way. But, I don't know how to stop it. I will be following your thread to see if someone else out there has the answer!

Elli-Beth · May 15, 2011, 09:14 PM

The attraction is totally normal and called transference; T's expect it and good T's can handle it.

And focusing so much on therapy just shows how valuable it is to you. I'd say that caring about "doing it right" is a positive thing. Maybe you just need some sort of productive release for this? Like look for a good book on how therapy works (another thread going now) or start a journal.

itsmeshorti · May 15, 2011, 09:30 PM

Thank You guys. More input is always appreciated. I just posted on the thread for books for therapy.

I am right this moment reading Heart to Heart Talk A Clients Guide to Transformation in Psychotherapy by Julia M. Landis.

This book is very helpful in understanding transference, the therapeudic relationship, what is ok to say in therapy. It also has assignments for you to complete to help you evaluate your current therapeudic relationship. I am only on chapter 4 and I am having some ah ha moments and sighs of relief, knowing that I am doing therapy right.

LOL

Xeneon · May 15, 2011, 09:33 PM

I use to be in therapy until I realized it wasn't doing me anything. I use to plain what i would talk about in the next session. I use to freak out about what i really wanted to say to her. I totally know what your saying. I use to tell my best friend about my thoughts of therapy, she would help me forget about it. Then I also tried to keep myself buzzy so i couldn't think about it. What I really think is, that you should print out your thread and show your counselor because there may be alot of things that she doesn't all ready know. REMEBER SHE CAN ONLY HELP, WITH WHAT SHE KNOWS. She can't read minds and hitting at things really doesn't get you anywhere because she might be thinking you mean't something else or she is just waiting for you to ask. Be fearful or what you counselor thinks is silly but I totally understand why but she's a counselor,it her job to help and I'm telling you if you where a pain. She would just tell you she couldn't help you. Counselors can pick and choose there clients. I know you don't want to lose her but if she can't handle everything that comes with your problems, she not the right counselor for you. So Don't worry about what she think, be worried about What if this never stops. What if my life is always controlled by anxiety. Take control of you anxiety and step up for what you want. I'm cheering you on and wishing you the best of luck.

*doodles* · May 15, 2011, 10:06 PM

I really have no advice as I could have written this post myself! Hopefully it helps to know you are not alone! I am at a loss as well. I feel like therapy has taken over my life.
So when you figure it out, let me know

itsmeshorti · May 16, 2011, 04:00 AM

I think I just need to put my head down and run in there full force and just say it. She has supported me this far, why is it so hard to trust now? Probably cause this is when therapy gets serious. Now I have to keep this momentum until Friday!!!!!

itsmeshorti · May 17, 2011, 04:33 PM

I figured out what my obsessive thinking is in therapy. I wrote her a letter.

What do you guys think? As always I am greatful for the time you take to read this and look forward to your responses.

Dr.
Fisrt things first I would like to come in here more often 2x a week for a couple of weeks. I really believe it will help me stay grounded in between sessions. By grounded I mean keep me from ruminating. Keep me on track. Worrying about this is keeping me from doing work outside of therapy. I feel alive in here and when I leave here, but it is in between that I lose touch. This is true not only for the issue to be discussed today, but for all the anxiety I feel.

Second Are you sure you are ok with this transference? Something changed here and I do not know if it was me or you. Thursday last week I was really hurt by your "pushing" me. OK first I was pissed off then I became hurt. When you said that people do not come to therapy to have good days I began to think she does not want to work with me anymore. Ahh I have to start again. I took your demanding questions as a way to push me out of here. All week I was preparing for you to tell me that I will have to find a new therpaist.... you did not tell me that I felt relieved, but you also did not confirm you wouldn't leave either.

I can feel myself wanting to push away. I was hurt and am preparing myself for the let down thinking that you do not want to work with me anymore. When I sit back and think about it I really do not want to push away, I still feel that trust, I still feel like you can help, but I feel I have to be prepared for let down, and in doing so I am burying that trust. I keep trying to keep it alive. I remember that feeling I got on the second session that relief ahh this therapist can help, I really feel I can trust her. Finally I will be ok.

Last session I told you about obsessive thinking between sessions you said only if it applies to relationships outside of therapy. Were you thinking I was obsessing over you? No In this office I only see you as my therapist, a professional. I look forward to being understood and finding new ways of thinking about things. Yes I had sexual fantasies about you, but I do not feel it in the office. I realize my radar is on high right now so I also know I could totally be reading way too far into this. Expecting rejection, so picking apart every little detail. I believe obsessive thinking is what landed me in therapy in the first place, I need to learn to let things go rather than ruminate over them. Anxiety> Obsessively thinking about what caused it> Overwhelming Emotions> Poor Solutions.

This seems to be a pattern for me I would like to understand it, get past it. This is what I do when someone hurts me, I push away. I push back and make that person a bad person, and beat myself up for it, they don't like me, who would want to be around you, look what you've done, ha well I won't let that happen again. I find it hard to let it go even after an apology. Greg, Greg's mother, my mother, my sister, all family, friends...

Friday when I came back and we got to work I felt relieved again, ok back on track. We're ok. I can keep working with her. ahh. But, when you brought it up I was glad to know it was not me, that we just were not on the same page that day. Yet I feel this need to .... I'm not sure confirmation, reassurance, ....

So do you feel you can keep working with me? Can you help me work through this? Yes I feel I can keep working with you. I look forward to the day when I feel I don't "need" therapy. I have so enjoyed this tranformation in myself, I know I can do this, but I am not ready to do it alone.

rainbow8 · May 17, 2011, 05:06 PM

I think your letter is very good, honest and direct. Did you email it to your T or are you going to give it to her in your session? Did you say you've only been in therapy a few months? I think you're perceptive about your pattern of pushing people away, and even wanting to do that before they push you away.

Your T isn't going to push you away or reject you. She will work with you to understand and change your pattern, and will be a model, hopefully, of someone who will remain constant even if you try to make her dislike you.

The transference is normal and something most of us go through. I'm glad you're able to discuss it with your T.

It sounds like you're doing a good job and working hard in your therapy!

itsmeshorti · May 17, 2011, 05:18 PM

OMG thank you so much. I was really worried this letter would seem too demanding, like I was pointing a finger at her.

Yes I have only been in therapy since March.

My session next is on Friday @4:30 It's only Tuesday!!!!!!

I have never emailed her before with issues, I am not sure she is ok with it. Although she gets disappointed with me if I tell her about Overwhelming emotions and did not call her. She has given me emergency appointments, but I am so afraid of her abandoning me that I can't bring myself to call.

And as much as I am arguing with myself about this I do believe giving it to her in person will be the best thing I can do. I am going to pull myself together and just do it! That's what I keep telling myself. I have to trust that she has helped me through everything else, she can help with this even if I have to go to a new T. Damn that hurts, but it's time for change.

Sometimes these thoughts are really hard to believe, but I keep saying them!!!

Thank You Rainbow8 for taking the time to read this your input means a great deal to me.

itsmeshorti · May 17, 2011, 09:10 PM

OMG I pulled myself together tonight and went to an al anon meeting, and I am so glad I did. I met a woman who renewed my faith in my T, in al-anon and that what I am going through is normal.
We talked for almost an hour after the meeting she had said how I sounded so much like her when she was my age. About growing up in an alcoholic home, going to different therapists, trying to find her way in life how change is scary, and the resistance to change she told me I need to slow down a little bit. Relax. I am doing it right. When I told her who my T was this wave of fear came over me when she recognized the name. Ahh I have been found out. She said " oh Dr. ------" I was like oh do you know her as my heart stops beating, she said yes I know someone who has seen her and don't worry you are in good hands.
Holy sigh of relief. That's right I am in good hands, deep down I know this. I spent the whole drive home almost crying and resisting the need to. This wave of fear keeps coming over me that she is still going to tell me no.
All of these feelings are so scary, this coming back to life, it feels "wrong". I am not sure how to just let it be. I feel like I need to push it back, waiting for the let down. Ahhhhh!!!!!!! Good and bad feelings! Anxiety almost panic. Ahhhh!!!!

Again I thank everyone for the support I am recieving. It really is helping me cope. I almost feel I need to start a new post, but I would like to keep this train going hopefully it can help someone else.

Xeneon · May 17, 2011, 09:26 PM

I think your letter is exactly what it should be. I don't think its pointing a finger at anybody. I think you stated well how you have taken responsibiity for your thought and actions. I think its a good idea to hand it to her but i really think you should email her because then it proves that you need to see her more then once and if she gets disappointed that you didn't call, then tell her that you don't want to bother her or the fact that she seems to busy to fit you in lately. Great job on the letter!!! I hope this gave your mind some rest.

Flooded · May 17, 2011, 09:37 PM

Reading your thread has giving me some confidence in my own thoughts and feelings about therapy. Thanks shorti

mixedup_emotions · May 17, 2011, 10:26 PM

I think the letter is great! I have found that when I email something to T to read in preparation for our session, he reads it when I have my session with him. He prefers this as it is during a time when he is giving me his undivided attention - and also so that he understands it as it was intended - which writing has a tendency to dilute.

And about your obsessing....I am soooo with you. I feel out-of-control with my obsessive thoughts....ruminating all the time....It used to be related to my ex-husband's ex. I was strongly affected, emotionally, by an event - and ever since then, I read court papers over and over and over and over and over again....played recorded messages over and over and over again. Multiple times a day....thousands of times overall....

That dissipated when my stepson was emancipated....and then, it was replaced with T....I haven't addressed this with him, though....I guess I'm too ashamed....so, I'd be curious to know how this turns out for you. You are brave....

itsmeshorti · May 19, 2011, 08:04 PM

Ok guys I did it!!!!! Renewed faith in T.

I was freaking out, thoughts way out of control. The scenarios I had created were pretty viscious. I emailed her last night, I said I really need to talk and I do not feel I can wait until Friday. She replied this morning with I'm so glad you are opening up, come in, email me now or if you are in crisis please call me. So that right there really helped me gain the confidence to tell her.

I walked in there and told her I had the letter in my pocket so if I chicken out you can read it. Had to set myself up there.

I just started basically reading the letter aloud without looking at it. I mean I had obsessed over it a million times I knew exactly what I wanted to say and how. I kinda pretended she was not in the room, like I was rehearsing it, so if she said no it would not hurt so bad.

She was totally understanding. Guys it was hard, really, I almost felt paralized, especially admitting I felt abandoned. But I forced myself to say it, I knew deep down that this would be progress. If I can do this then I can work on feeling better. She told me she was very sorry she did not realize just how badly her words affected me. I am a very rigid person, so she did not pick up on the sensitivity that is deep inside. She said she will not abandon me she will continue to work with me. She asked me to be understanding that we are two people working together and learning eachother. She asked me if I would like to come in 2x a week. Phew sigh of relief I didn't have to ask. She even offered me to come in tomorrow. She was proud of me for recognizing that I was pulling away and that I still found the courage to stick with it.

To anyone reading this and feelling / thinking the same way I was. I ask you to please muster up every last bit of courage you have and do it. I feel so much better saying it, like ahh now I can get to the real work without having this plague me.

I am still obsessing over the next session, but in a better way, looking forward to feeling better.

*doodles* · May 19, 2011, 09:03 PM

I think you are doing amazing!! I think the letter was great and I am amazed you were able to give it to her. I wrote something for T, only I handed it to her and jetted out the door....LOL. I am not as brave as you.
I am glad you met someone encouraging at your meeting and glad that T responded well to the letter and you get to go in 2X a week. Thats great!!

Xeneon · May 19, 2011, 10:47 PM

I'm SOOOO Proud of you finding the courge to tell her everything you where thinking about. Im smiling from ear to ear right now because I was truely thinking about you for the past couple days wondering how your letter went. I can't say i could of done the same thing. (((itsmeshorti)))

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