i really want to be set straight--so PLEASE help me understand--if I've got distorted thinking I REALLY want to hear it, okay?

so in 1 of my other threads i talked about how my T cancelled several sessions in a row--and that has been so hard-- she usually MAKES time for me, even when she has a lot of stuff going on. she will go out of her way to make time to talk for a little bit, even if it isn't til 8 pm or something. she will even at least text me to say she's ok because she knows that me and the younger alters have terrible (its SO pathetic!! abandonment issues, but she also understands its because we have been treated so badly and abandoned by so many people we should have been able to trust)

on monday night (after several cancelled sessions) she texted me to say that she was exhausted, to hang tight

we have SO much going on--so much stuff has been happening the past month (deaths in the family, RA stuff, etc)--blah blah blah--we feel alone and abandoned that we're just desperate to talk to someone. we texted her back to say please, we need some help here--but she never answered back

we miss her so much we usually go see her twice a week. to go from that to nothing is a big challenge.

but no one else seems to think this is any big deal.

even 1 of her other clients is like "well, she'll be back"
other people she knows are like "its not HER job to make you feel better when she isn't around"
my husband (who is a therapist)(and not exactly mr.empathy) says to just be patient and wait for her to come back

but we just miss her so much...and there is so much to say... and we're so afraid she'll never come back, that she won't be our T anymore, how to people not worry about this stuff? is this just my severe abandonment stuff acting up? how am i SUPPOSED to be thinking about this? it feels like i have been left AGAIN! It feels like i can't trust her anymore. i am scared she's doesn't care anymore. etc etc And she knows we are having a terrible hard time but what if she doesn't care anymore and thats why she doesn't contact us like usual?

I HATE being this way!

i am sorry to sound so dumb
ever since 2 people in our family died on the same day last month, i can't seem to get a grip. we never got to talk to our T about that because that's when she started having problems with her family and then there is a bunch of other stuff that has been going on... i feel so bogged down and overwhelmed. i called a hotline just for someone to talk to tonight, i tried 2x yesterday to find a backup therapist but they're definitely not going to work out... i just keep hoping that talking about it will help me at least feel less alone

[Can't Stop Crying]

I think your feelings are completely reasonable. You had an established routine that involved a safe outlet for everything and it was taken away with no warning. I don't think it's dumb at all. Sometimes I have a hard time even if T is just on a pre-scheduled vacation.
The only errors in your thinking that I see...trying to be honest.. the fear she will never come back, the thought that she abandoned you, that she doesn't care, and that you can't trust her.
I think the feelings associated with those thoughts are completely normal in this situation, but I would question the actual thoughts. Maybe reassure yourself that she will be back, she does still care, you can still trust her...
Sorry you're dealing with this right now, especially with all the situational stress you're experiencing. Keep holding on, you are in my thoughts!

[darkrunner]

SaraMichelle,
It does kind of seem kind of like your T left you high-and-dry. She's left you hanging for a while and I don't really understand why she isn't making more of an effort to communicate with you about when you'll see her next and how else you can get support in the meantime. I don't want to say anything bad about your T, but that seems kind of irresponsible.

That being said, your H is right that all you can do is be patient and wait for her to become available again. You're doing a great job with trying to contact other Ts and calling the hotline to get help. Also, remember you can go to the ER or call 911 if you can't keep yourself safe.

Your feelings about this are your feelings - they are neither good or bad so try not to judge them. It is ok to feel how you do.

Take good care of yourself, and I hope your T gets back to normal soon.

[WikidPissah]

Sara...it IS DEFINITELY a big deal. I have no idea how to help you with it, since it is so major. You're in crisis, and continuing hotline calls and maybe even a trip to the ER if the alters don't settle down. You need support, and you obviously can't wait it out much longer (since you're in crisis NOW).

Please do what you need to take care of you.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Sarah Michelle,

This is definately a big deal, I don't think you are wrong to be upset and scared about your therapist's lack of contact, I think most of us would; and to go from seeing her twice a week to nothing is very difficult.

I agree with Darkrunner that she is being very irresponsible, she has an ethical duty to her clients to inform them of the situation, no matter how big the family crisis and to let them know when she will return or help clients find other support if needed. If one of her clients took up an official complaint about this situation I would say she would be repremanded for not taking her clients into consideration. The people she sees are vulnerable and she has a duty to "do no harm", which she is not following.

I understand your therapist has been good to you before this happened and it sounds like she was very supportive but as someone else said, I cannot understand how she cannot find the time to contact you and her other clients to let them know whats going on.

I think the way you are thinking is very understandable it may be a bit exaggerated by your hurt - like not feeling you can ever trust her again and feeling completely abandoned - although i do fully understand why you feel this way.

I really feel for you at the moment, it must be incredibly difficult and I am sorry she has put you in this position! You have done so well to try and talk to other people in the mean time. I just hope she gets in touch with you soon

[SpiritRunner]

I think it's a big deal too. It feels like someone said, that your T left you hanging in a way during her crisis, without good backup, and that seems sad to me! You have a right to feel as you do, hurt and alone, and I hope you do what you can to find the support you very much need now......whether that's hotline calls, finding a backup T, going to the ER, coming here........

I think feeling abandoned is just a normal part of who you are and is probably unavoidable at this part. But that is probably not the reality. She is in crisis mode with her own family right now. She'll be back when things normalize.

[WePow]

Your feelings are real and valid. There is an internal reason why you are feeling these big emotions and fears.

The TRUTH is that your T is doing what is right for you and her both. In order to help you out, she has to help out herself. Think about your husband... when he comes down with a bad cold, how does he act? Is he a bit snappy to you? ((Most people are when they get ill because that is human nature)). Say he pushed through and went on to work with his clients and one of them was very sensitive due to tons of abuse or PTSD or whatever the situation. He is NOT going to be the same T they know. Chances are very good that they will take the change as a personal insult. Something is wrong with them. T hates them now.

It is up to the T to clearly tell a client "Hey, I am exhausted. I am sick. I need to take a vacation." The T is saying "In order for me to serve you, I have to recover my own energy. I have to be well."

A good T will do what your T is doing by taking a break in order to heal.

Now it is still OK for you to miss your T. It is ok for you to be upset. I know when my T does have to cancel, I don't like it one bit! It makes me upset. But he is doing the right thing. But I am still allowed my little-kid emotions. :-)

Keep feeling what you are feeling. Don't think of yourself as doing anything wrong because that is not the case. Just realize that the adult facts of the situation still apply.

[Perna]

If she's not there/available, there's not a whole lot you can do? Yes you miss her terribly, yes it's very hard, but she's not there/available! The only way out of that closed circle is to look toward something outside it (when you will see her again) and form a bridge to it (journal? draw? get X number of candies and eat one a day?).

When my T would go away for a couple months, I'd start a "special" journal just for that time. Once I decided I was going to record, in one sentence or less, THE most important thing I had learned that day. So, I took a piece of paper and wrote the dates from "today" to the day my T would be back and then filled it in as I went along, each evening after the day was over. It was kind of fun trying to figure out what I'd learned that day, remembering the day and realizing how I'd lived through it pretty well, etc.

[PreacherHeckler]

It is a big deal when you're in crisis, and she is contributing to your crisis by not upholding what the APA considers a principle of ethical care:

3.12 Interruption of Psychological Services
Unless otherwise covered by contract, psychologists make reasonable efforts to plan for facilitating services in the event that psychological services are interrupted by factors such as the psychologist's illness, death, unavailability, relocation, or retirement or by the client's/patient's relocation or financial limitations.

But if she's not governed by the APA then the ethical principles may be somewhat different but I can't imagine any governing board would find her disappearing act ethical and professional. A therapist leaving you hanging like this with no attempt to provide for continuity of services is just as unethical as a cardiologist suddenly disappearing without providing referrals for back-up.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

but we just miss her so much...and there is so much to say... and we're so afraid she'll never come back, that she won't be our T anymore, how to people not worry about this stuff?

I know this approach doesn't work for everyone, but what I do to help with worry is ask myself if there is anything I can do to change the situation I am worrying about. If the answer is no, then I stop worrying because worrying is only hurting myself and making things worse (increasing anxiety), and I don't want to be the source of my own discomfort. If the answer is yes, that I can do something about the situation, then I take action. Taking action helps me feel better, like I am not so helpless, like I am doing something! If your worry is that you are afraid your T won't come back, it seems the only way to know is to ask her, and you have tried to contact her and she hasn't responded. So you have taken the action you can with this particular worry, which is good. Some people who are religious also feel that something they can do is pray (e.g. that your T is OK), and this helps them feel they have done something too. Unless you can think of some other action to take to find out if she is OK, there is nothing more to be done on this, so try to shift out of worry mode. You have done what you can.

You have also taken action in coping with your T's absence by contacting a hotline, trying to find a backup T, and posting here. These are great actions. It sounds like a backup T can't be found on short notice, but the hotline was available to you. I hope you can continue to use it if you are unable to cope on your own. When your T comes back, could you will ask her for the name of a backup T in case you have a crisis in the future and she is not available?

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

no one else thinks its any big deal

I think this is a negative overinterpretation/generalization of how the people in your life have responded when you told them of your worry and anxiety about your T. They each tried to tell you something they thought might be helpful. People can be clumsy in their responses--most aren't trained (or naturally good) communicators. When your husband said just wait for her to come back, he may be trying to help reassure you that yes, she will come back. I would encourage you to keep spending time with your H and friends. It doesn't have to be to discuss your T's absence with them necessarily, but just spending time with those to whom we are can help us feel supported and cared about. Bake some cookies with a friend, watch a funny movie with your H and laugh together--these things help us feel loved and valued. Feeling that way can help us when we are anxious.

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

it feels like i have been left AGAIN! It feels like i can't trust her anymore. i am scared she's doesn't care anymore. etc etc

I think you will feel reassured once you meet with your T again and see that she hasn't changed, experience her empathy and caring face to face, etc. For now you can't get that direct reassurance, so hang in there until you see her again.

Thank you all so much for your varied feedback. I meant to write here earlier today and then got so busy. It made me feel better to read everyone's replies. Just to have some validation of our feelings and some feedback and some reality checks was good. Thank you.
I kept really busy today, and the inside kids made her a card, we kept busy with my husband and around the house which helped.

We did FINALLY get some texts from our T late tonight! She said she's ok and things will calm down after next week.She doesn't expect to work next week. But we can still e-mail & text her even if she isn't able to reply. T said to let the inside kids know she's been thinking of them. So its good to know she's okay. That helps.

We are doing a special journal and writing things down/drawing pictures to share when we're able to go back to therapy.

I think that it will HOPEFULLY make things easier this week to not expect to be going to therapy-- we know the stuff our T has going on this week, and she said she has to go out of town for 2 days so she's not expecting to work, so we won't have that expectation of her calling back/going to see her...does that make sense? But at least we know that we still have that connection with her and that helps.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

Thank you all so much for your varied feedback. I meant to write here earlier today and then got so busy. It made me feel better to read everyone's replies. Just to have some validation of our feelings and some feedback and some reality checks was good. Thank you.
I kept really busy today, and the inside kids made her a card, we kept busy with my husband and around the house which helped.

We did FINALLY get some texts from our T late tonight! She said she's ok and things will calm down after next week.She doesn't expect to work next week. But we can still e-mail & text her even if she isn't able to reply. T said to let the inside kids know she's been thinking of them. So its good to know she's okay. That helps.

We are doing a special journal and writing things down/drawing pictures to share when we're able to go back to therapy.

I think that it will HOPEFULLY make things easier this week to not expect to be going to therapy-- we know the stuff our T has going on this week, and she said she has to go out of town for 2 days so she's not expecting to work, so we won't have that expectation of her calling back/going to see her...does that make sense? But at least we know that we still have that connection with her and that helps.

Hey SarahMichelle,

I am glad she finally let you know what was happening and I hope after next week you can get back to therapy. You have been so brave through this tough time and I think keeping busy is a good idea because even if it doesn't remove the difficulty at this time, it may help a bit.
I understand that it's easier to know how things stand and what to expect instead of being left in the lurch, not knowing what's happening or going to happen.
I think it sounds really good to journal about your feelings and for the kids to makes her a card Great healthy coping mechanisms!

We are all here for you all during the break

I am glad that t connected with you and let you know when she would be coming back. i like the idea of journaling and then showing t.

and she was thinking of you and the little ones....

sending safe hugs

Thank you both.
One 1 hand it is still going to be hard trying to get through yet another week with no therapy, because stuff still just builds up and builds up and its hard to have no one to talk to. And I am still worried about our T-- we know now the things she is going thru' this week and its some hard stuff, we worry about our T just like we worry about everyone, and hope she's going to be okay.

But on the other hand , at least we know that after Friday she should be a lot less busy and hopefully she can get to us next week.... man I sure hope so because it feels like forever since I saw her last (I think its been 3 week? i forget--- anyway, it feels like forever) So at least that gives an approximate to aim for.

Yesterday I finally came up with a couple new coping mechanisms to try this week and hopefully that will help too. So maybe that will make this week a little easier to get through. I hope.

I'm so so glad that T finally let you know her plans. How difficult that it's still uncertain whether and when you'll see her next week. I hope the special journal and doing your drawings is helping. Hope the week flies by for you. Do come and vent here when it's hard!

[lastyearisblank]

What an amazing job you are doing dealing with this. I can't believe you are trying NEW coping skills, way to bridge the gap. Hope it's not long before your T comes back.

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

Thank you both.
One 1 hand it is still going to be hard trying to get through yet another week with no therapy, because stuff still just builds up and builds up and its hard to have no one to talk to. And I am still worried about our T-- we know now the things she is going thru' this week and its some hard stuff, we worry about our T just like we worry about everyone, and hope she's going to be okay.

But on the other hand , at least we know that after Friday she should be a lot less busy and hopefully she can get to us next week.... man I sure hope so because it feels like forever since I saw her last (I think its been 3 week? i forget--- anyway, it feels like forever) So at least that gives an approximate to aim for.

Yesterday I finally came up with a couple new coping mechanisms to try this week and hopefully that will help too. So maybe that will make this week a little easier to get through. I hope.

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

[WePow]

Great work !!!!!

Got an email from our T this morning
So we know she is safe and doing okay.
It would be great if Monday or Tuesday we can go see her!!!

So.... we haven't heard from her since then. (I think it was Monday we got an email?)
She was having to take a long road trip Monday & Tuesday.... I dont know if she made it back safely and I'm worried
her busy thing she had going on for a few more days may have extended to today though....
texted her last night and emailed her yesterday, never heard back from her

so back to square one of needing her and not hearing anything
this has been a really tough time

wish she wouldn't have disappeared right around Easter/in April/ right after when my parents came to visit/ and just before some really hard things happened to me
there is so much thats gone on.... if we ever see her again how in the world will we ever get caught up?

just waiting and waiting to hear from her
so lonely.

[dizgirl2011]

SarahMichelle, it must be so difficult. I wish I could say something that makes you feel better. I still think she has handled this situation badly but it wont help to focus on that now I guess. I really hope you hear back from her asap!!

i am really having a hard night (memories, PTSD stuff) and relieved that we got a little text from her tonight saying she got back from out of town safely today; her other project is done today. said she is tired but ok.
but she didn't answer our question about if she's ever going to see us again... .... didn't answer our question about if she ever wants to talk to us again, didn't say anything about that
our hearts are already broken from having this relationship so....so... cracked open for the past month. it has been so hard. i am sitting here near tears for the past few hours just because of not knowing what's going to happen
i just feel so abandoned and alone lately
i know she's so busy and tired but i just wish things could get b ack to normal.... we haven't had a normal session in her office since the last week of march and this just keeps getting harder and harder as time goes by
if she wasn't such an amazing therapist in the 1st place it wouldn't be such a big deal i guess...but for the past 1.5 years she has just been so incredible...now to have NO support for so long just ... i feel like we have been sinking and sinking

this hurts more than i can bare right now