Confused...(Long post)

I've always had issues with anxiety but only had 2 panic attacks over a 20 yr. span...That was until Sept...
I started having major panic attacks, sometimes twice a day...

During that time I started getting anxious about telling my T something I really needed to say...Anxious in couldn't wait...That particular day I got to her office I couldn't breathe because I was so hyper about telling her...

Nothing unusual happened in session, matter of fact we got along real well...I walked out of her office and felt very close to her...When I would think of her, I would smile...

We talked about the anxiety in that session and she asked with my next appt. was with my P-doc and my appt was 3 weeks away yet...She told me to make sure I told him about the panic attacks...

Now here is where things go REALLY bad...My T had to change my appt. from Tues. to Fri. because Hurricane Wilma came through on Mon. and she had no power...Sorry guys I'm getting the feeling I'm not making much sense but for time sake and length of post , I am just hitting the highlights of whats going on...I saw on the caller ID it was my T and I started freaking out, I had a major panic attack, couldn't breathe was gasping for air and just having a major meltdown...

I kept saying over and over I can't talk to her and started to cry...My roommate picked up the phone and handed it to me...I blurted out to my T that I couldn't talk to her that her calling was causing a major PA...

Ok fast forward...The day before my session I had major panic attacks about seeing my T...I wanted no part of her, I didn't want her anywhere near me on Fri...
Driving to session, I was a wreck...I pulled in her parking lot and I started gasping for air...I made it up the stairs to her office and sat down in the waiting room...

Sorry, I'm trying to make this short...She came to get me and the minute I saw her I started panicking all over again...I actually RAN to her office, sat as far away from her as I could and if she moved I would panick all over again...

I completely shut down with her and she told me it was ok to leave if I wanted...I didn't want to walk past her so I told her I would stay...Therapy ended and she stayed seated, I scurried past her and got to the door and she came up behind me and I went NUTS!...

I ran out the door and it's been like that every session since...In the meantime I"ve been put on Zoloft and Ativan which has stopped all the PA accept when I know I'm going to be seeing my T...They will start 2-3 days before my session...The minute I hear her voice or see her I can't breathe!...I feel like my chest is being crushed...

I told her in my last session, I don't trust her anymore...I said it with such anger and hate...She has given me gifts over 7 and a half years of therapy and I had them up on my bedroom walls...I took them all down and put them in a drawer where I can't see them...

All this time I have wanted her to terminate the sessions...I WANTED this...I've called her a @@@@@ in my mind and I've had thoughts of seeing her and telling her how much I hate her...

Now here's the other weird part...Friday (18th) I thought oh good I get to see my T this Tues. I'm looking forward to it...Felt calm about it and everything...The very next day I was right back to hating her, I was so anxious about seeing her this Tues. that I was totally freaking out and major PA's...

I am FULL of rage, its' not being shown verbally or physically but it's like I am throwing and screaming things in my mind at her...On the outside other then the PA's (which I keep hid from others then my T as much as possible) I appear and act normal...

I can't handle seeing her tomorrow...2 weeks ago I contacted this new T and she seems nice but the closer it gets to seeing her the more anxious I'm getting...So my question is, is it really my old T that is setting these attacks off or is it the emotions in therapy?...I am beginning to think I just need to quit therapy all together...I can't handle this...I'm really messed up when it comes to my old T...

I would rather walk acrossed nails then see her tomorrow...But I have to if I'm going to terminate...

Argggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

I want to correct something, when I told my T I didn't trust her anymore I felt the anger and I wanted to rage at her but I said it in a calm voice...

i don't think i can help you with your issues with your T. but, i wanted to tell you that i'm concerned and hope that you can get some help dealing with this. xoxoxo pat

((((((((Taynat))))))))))

I'm so sorry!!!!!! Wow. It seems like you are having some very intense emotions inside. I hope you can find a new T to talk to about this if even only in the short term. I truely think you need to step back for a while to untangle some of the things going on inside. It sounds like this might be a big step towards healing too. Keep talking! We are here for you.

It sounds like you really NEED to get through this with your current T. Thing is it sounded like you trusted her SSSOOOOOOOOO much that you told a secret that was difficult. Now you are having panic whenever you think about her or go near her. Could it be that you are identifying her with the secret and the secret feelings. That's my guess. I can guess a bunch of things but I don't have any information to work with. I really hope you can settle down enough to work this through with her. Seems like she has been a safe place in the past.

Taynat... I M O you need to stick with your current T.. it isn't her.. it's you. Not that THAT"S a problem.... not that you are a problem...

What I sense is that you are trying to push her away... if you didn't share something already, then maybe you've realized how close she is to finding out something and you're trying to make sure she doesn't? Or no one does? I'm glad you have meds to help with your anxiety.. work with them... remember, nothing will happen in T's office that you don't want... you don't have to share anything you aren't ready to... maybe therapy began going too fast for you... or just got really close to an issue you are still needing to avoid. Don't avoid your T. Your T is your hired consultant, you ask her for advice, answers or other opinions than you have.. based upon her expertise.

share with your T... how you feel like not coming, but really want to be able to... how you want to leave but are afraid for some reason... I'm sure she can help you work through all this... even if they feelings of trust towards her (your T) that you are uncomfortable with... TC

Thanks everyone!...I saw my T today and the wall came crashing down...I was full of rage at first but then I cried and I mean cried...I heard what Wisewoman and Sky said in my head and the wall crumbled...

Short version, I am staying with my current T and today is the first day in eight weeks I was able to allow her near me without freaking out!...

THANK-YOU!...Tay

Sorry to hear of the awful feelings you're experiencing, and that you were able to finally find some relief, but I can truly relate to them. Has your Therapist ever discussed the possibility of being affected by Borderline Personality Disorder? Because what you've said here, and in a post in the past really, really smacks of this. The flipflop of emotions from good person to bad person in the space of a day or less, being anxious about being near them, (Did you think she'd hit you?) Or was it just getting that shudder of revulsion sweeping over you that was the unpleasant part? You speak of shutting down, or shutting the therapist out, did you know this action by our minds is called splitting? It's like the person becomes an entity slightly above slime because of some perceived hurt. Probably what she said to you about the idealization. Hurt your feelings, which in our case, is understandable. The rage you have is also BPD trait. Have you ever had a temper tantrum? In your adult life I mean. I have. It's not pretty to see a middle aged woman throw stuff around like a child. Sigh........was embarrassing as well now that I know where it came from.
Check the topic in my siggy. Know where it comes from.

TayNat, I just want to let you know that my T causes significant anxiety for me also. It took me a while to recognize it as anxiety. After one session I blamed not being able to talk to her much on a dry mouth, which I attributed to singing too much in the car on the trip there, and the stuff that I was drinking. The next time I avoided singing enroute and took a different drink with me, and still had the dry mouth. When I wrote to her I told her about that, and said that since that only happened when I was with her, she must be the cause. She responded by asking me how she could be the cause of a dry mouth, and what feelings I was having when that happened - after thinking about it I said nervousness and fear. She accepted fear, but said she was thinking anxiety. It still happens every time, after labeling it. Last time I took gum with me, and that helped the dry mouth, but I still couldn't talk much.

I realize that panic attacks are much harder to deal with than dry mouth, but wanted you to know that you're not alone in reacting to T with anxiety. And I think it would happen with any effective T who gets you to deal with the uncomfortable stuff, if you are prone to anxiety. I'm glad that you are going to stick with her and work through it.

Hi TayNat:

This is Candle. What the heck are you doing over here? Just kidding!! I only visit here about once every three-six months now-a-days, but I used to come here a lot more frequently before I became a Mod. at the other place.

Take care and see ya on the other Bd. soon!

(bouncing on Peanut's couch) well I miss you peanut!

I didn't mean to post and disappear, but I'm having some physical issues along with emotional and I'm not up to a whole lot right now...Thinks everyone for the replies...Tay

Sorry, taynat I didn't mean to be off topic. Come back and let us know how you are when you can... sorry for the additional problems you are having now, too. TC