does your t talk about what you look like?

My T frequently gives me little compliments about my appearance- things like "gee, you look nice today" or "well don't you look glamorous." She often says them in a fun voice, like one of my friends would. Also, when I express insecurities about dating/relationships/etc., she'll list my postive attributes, and "attractive" or "pretty" is usually one of them. Since I often feel insecure about my appearance/body, these little compliments make me feel better. Because we're both female, I think it's easier for her to give me a compliment about looking nice, particularly when I'm dressed up to go out afterwards. However, she did clarify once that her compliments were "innocent" which I caught me off guard. I'd never even considered the possibility that could be anything other than innocent. It made me wonder why she'd felt the need to clarify-- like, did she think I'd take them the wrong way? But it didn't feel awkward, and I still like getting compliments from her. In fact, if I come to therapy dressed up because I'm coming or going from somewhere else and she doesn't say something like "oh you look dressed up today" it makes me wonder if my outfit doesn't look good! I once thought "gee, she didn't say anything about my outfit. should i change before I go out?" I didn't... but I had that thought!

Wow, I actually know someone who did this! A former co-worker. She had been married many years and she still did this every day. Whew, what a facade to keep up, huh?!

My T will compliment me on my hair or if I am wearing a clothing Item or shoes that she thinks is cute. I have body image problems and disordered eating habits so she will not comment on my physical appearence. She will sometimes just tell me I look very tired, but when she says that, she is usually right and I'm not insulted by it. Other than that stuff, she won't say anything else. I do sometimes feel like she glances at my overall appearance when I walk in, but that might be a conscious getting the best of me! ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

My t comments on me rolling my eyes, my body language and my facial expressions but never on my appearance.

The only thing my T has said is noticing that I got a haircut. I would hate any other type of comment - even a compliment. I am seeing my T about mental issues, not physical appearance. It would make me super self-conscious if she brought up my appearance.

If my T were a man I would be even more offended. And that your T made that comment, I believe, is inexcusable. Throughout history, women have been made to be sex objects. Even in our 'enlightened' Western world, this kind of sexism is still so pervasive it's sickening. Your T was manifesting that sickness, I believe.

Yeah it's just super smug and really truly makes me want to smack him.

but you can't just remove mental wellbeing and say "it sits here in this box away from my physical self". my Ts notice my physical appearance and oftentimes it says a lot about the way i'm feeling emotionally. maybe because my problem is with depression, but they can tell when i'm putting less effort into my appearance and it's a good yardstick for measuring how i'm faring.

i've also had on/off problems with not quite healthy eating, so of course my body and how i look comes into that. i kind of see it as the Ts responsibility to bring something up if it isn't brought up by the client -- kind of like going to a GP and them neglecting to check your broken arm because you only want a bandaid for your finger. of course a GP can't force treatment on you, but they'd be negligent if they ignored something they should really check out.

i think the comment that the OP's poster was manifesting a sickness is wrong. that's just my opinion, i don't want to offend. we happen to live in a world with men and women, i don't see why it's more ok for a woman to comment on our physical appearance than it is for a guy. my friends can tell me i'm attractive and i don't get offended. my pdoc can tell me i'm attractive and i dont' get offended. it's because they see me as a sexual being, not a sexual object. and of course they see me as much, much more. at the same time, though, old-t told me i was attractive once and it made me rather uncomfortable. i think that's because he actually was assessing me as an object at that point, and that made me feel really eck. but we had a number of issues around this point, so that comment was in the context of a larger pattern of not-quite-right comments.

i guess what i'm saying is that two people can say the same thing but one can be doing it with respect and the other can be seeing you as an object -- i don't think that the fact your T has made a comment on your appearance is a bad thing, it depends on the context and his reasons for doing so.

There is a ginormous difference between a T telling you they find you attractive, and them telling you they don't find you attractive. They might as well be two different posts on two different issues. And the thing is, when the issue is brought up by the T, it's not really commenting on the patient as a sexual being; the patient's subjectivity, or experience of herself, or her desires, or her interests, is not really the focus. It's about the patient as viewed by the T, the patient as object. (Which is pretty narcissistic on the T's part.... but anyway.)

Obviously the way we present ourselves is important but the basic unconditional regard and respect in therapy shouldn't be dependent on dressing well. I would love my GP to tell me I look pretty, but I wouldn't go back to one who treated my illness more compassionately when I look "pretty". (And by whose standards? Can you really improve your life by tailoring your looks to 1 person's taste?) That to me is not a mark of competence in a T.

I thought I would add that my t did say he was not talking about looking like in the magazines (conforming). But as I've thought about it, it seems to me like having confidence in your physical appearance inherently requires conforming. I mean, if having confidence means having an expectation that people you meet will generally see you as attractive, you'd have to more or less conform to general expectations. Does that make sense?

So I am thinking that having confidence in my physical appearance is not really an important priority for me. Not that I mind finding some new makeup that looks good on me, or having a good hair day, or whatever, but it's not something I want to focus my energy on. I have way too much else going on that's more important.

But being more physically fit is an exception, since that's also a health issue. I am relatively fit, but I'd like to be healthier.

I think something is really wrong with a male therapist who brings up your physical self image on his own - not in response to something you've said. That's fishy. And the advice to watch a model/makeover show? OMG, that is completely whack.

I would call him on it. Tell him you thought it was strange, and you'd like to know why he brought up the subject at all. You could do it playfully - kid him about, "Wow, I didn't know there was a dress code in here," or "I'm sad, I thought you loved me for my beautiful soul," or something. But don't let it slide.

And - be on the lookout for a pattern. Therapists slip up, and one mistake doesn't mean he's completely off. But he could be. His response to your probing around this will be revealing. Don't let it go!!

Your response to all this is right on - good instincts. I keep hearing you say that your priorities for yourself are different from what your therapist is implying they should be. And that is a red flag, because he should be listening to you.

Also seconding your great insight here that there's something wrong with his emphasis on conformity. Your T should not be trying to normalize you, mold you in any way or get you to conform. Like Erich Fromm said, a person who fits in to a crazy society would also be crazy. The things that set you apart (and again, whose point of view is that anyway) should be explored, treated as precious, venerated. If aspects of your world view are giving you pain, then your T has a responsibility to help tease out what the issues are. But his suggestion was so tone-deaf and sexist that it just blows my mind.

I would give him a chance to correct this by enlightening him about what your priorities really are. And if he still doesn't get it - TO THE CURB!!!

I think there's a lot of subtle things going on here that you might want to continue discussing with your T; I don't think "confidence in your physical appearance" is related to conforming or what others think (or even wearing makeup, etc.) at all!

Ones physical appearance is part of one's self (or should be) so insofar as you are confident in being accepted by others for yourself (not wondering if people "mind" having you around or if you are a bother, etc.) that feeling should extend to your physical appearance. Often I think our physical appearance shows how we are feeling inside. Hence, a depressed person may not wash their hair or bathe often enough, an anxious person will get up an hour early each morning to put their makeup on before their husband sees them etcetera.

It sounds to me like your T is trying to work "backwards" from the "obvious" (how you look) to your inside, how you feel. If there's a disconnect in how you perceive your physical self, there might well be a disconnect in how you perceive other parts of yourself? It's kind of like the scientific truth that smiling can make you feel happier.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/ar...ke-you-happier

http://scienceblogs.com/cognitivedai...better_w_1.php

It sounds to me like your T was just trying to understand how you think about yourself (legitimate desire on his part) and not necessarily trying to get you to be like a model/other women without knowing how much effort that takes, etc. There are a couple of TV shows about models, "America's Next Top Model" (I have watched a few of those) and "Make Me a Supermodel" (I haven't seen but it's a contest too, where wannabes compete to become) and I enjoy watching them because I am not very aware of my body, it's placement in space and how I carry myself and these people (Make Me a Supermodel has both male and females competing) have to be very aware of themselves. It's almost a form of body work, like yoga, tai chi, or some kinds of somatic therapy work: https://www.massagecredits.com/pages...ting.php?SB=17

How you "look" is not the same as how you express your physical self. Whether you wear makeup or not or cut your hair, etc. is not the issue, it's more about how you inhabit your body. If you like/don't like it/yourself that will "show", no matter what you do; it's part of your expression of yourself like your tones of voice and whether your eyes "light up" when someone special enters the room. I don't think your T is trying to criticize you as much as understand what he perceives and he wants to know what you know about how you may come across to others. There's nothing good/bad about it, it just "is". I would love to be a warm, happy person :-) and I imagine warm, happy people smile a lot, are relaxed, quiet, graceful, etc.

What sort of person do you want to be and is that what you appear to be "broadcasting" with your body?

In all seriousness I really agree with kitten and with Echoes' idea, about asking him what significance beauty has for him. Would he want to carry himself like a model. Etc.

Thanks for the thoughts, Perna. They seem like the most positive things I can think about t, and I want to believe he's not just being sexist, though I think there's an obvious hint of that. I'll be really disappointed if I start to find out his values conflict with mine too much.

I agree physical appearance is, or ideally should be, part of yourself. But I'm not sure it's realistic for naturally average (or worse than average) looking women to be confident in our physical appearance without putting a lot of work into it. A lot of women want to put work into it, which is fine for them I suppose. I like to do that occasionally, but not to the extent I really know how to use makeup, always make my hair do what it's supposed to, always have a good outfit, etc. I just think the standards of our society require women to put more work into it than we should have to. So, if my preference is to accept that strangers aren't likely to tend to think I look really good rather than put more work into my appearance, I can be confident that I'm doing what I believe in without being confident about my appearance being acceptable (by standards I don't believe in)... I think? Oh, and I'm not in that extreme category of not bathing!

That was it, Next Top Model. Ick, they're competing, vomit, yuck- especially the one that's all women, which is the one he brought up. I tend to have my head in the clouds and I think it could be useful for t to help me become aware of my body... but tai chi, yoga etc sure would've had less sexist overtones.

I agree that how you express yourself, smiling, stretching, your body language, etc is different from how you look (hair, clothes, makeup). But he didn't say he was only talking about how you express yourself. He said physical appearance.

Gah, it's hard to see a way around considering what he said sexist. Wish me luck talking to him. The really frustrating thing is there are so many more improtant things going on right now- a friend maybe has cancer, etc. It's hard to tell whether I should be letting him distract me with this. Well, obviously I haven't been able to help it.

Would love an update on your progress with your T sometime, learning1!
k.

my T has made the following observations regarding my physical appearance:

(1) if i'm feeling reserved/not open on a given day, i'm more likely to wear my glasses and "hide." he says i have very expressive eyes (in that i reveal emotions/thoughts/feelings more so than i might hope to), which i have heard from other people, too. i try to wear my contacts for therapy, because then i have one less thing to hide behind. if i do wear my glasses, sometimes i'll joke to him that he'll have to work extra hard to "read" me or that i'll try to be more explicit in owning and verbalizing my emotions and thoughts. in general, he'll comment on a "certain look" or a "change in my eye when i was talking about x,y,z" or.... all things based on expressions, usually when he knows something's up but i'm skirting the issue or abnegating my own feelings.

(2) if i'm coming from/heading to work or volunteering, i'll usually be dressed up, but since this is not often the case, if i am dressed up, he'll comment on it in a "you're dressed up today. interview? meeting?" kinda way. since otherwise i'll have jeans/pilates pants, sweatshirt, etc. on, i suppose it is an obvious change. i hear it as "oh you look nice today" and maybe, implying that i don't look nice other days? but i think he senses my unease about such comments, as he's done it less the last few months. come to think of it, i was pretty dressed up yesterday and he didn't say a word.

(3) as for my overall appearance, i have no idea if he thinks i'm pretty or homely. i think the male T, female P (hehe for patient) dynamic can be tricky at times, and i imagine that he may consciously refrain from such topics.

learning, he recommended next top model?!?!?!?!!

i'm.... speechless. literally, if you could see me, my jaw just dropped and i mouthed "what!" to the computer screen. i just.... wow. i don't know how to diplomatically react to that, so i'm going to say, learning, i'm so glad you're here and sharing with us. your honesty, vulnerability, and spunk are refreshing and lovely