most excruciatingly horrible session ever

((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))

I hope your day is going well. Thinking about you.

I had such a hard day.

I finally pulled myself together to go to my 12 step meeting. I STARTED CRYING there and got all of this love and attention which is so so so so so so so uncomfortable for me. I knew so much that people do love me and that they wanted to help but being in the spotlight is not a comfy place for me. I think I hid a lot.

I left a message for T asking for referrals to P-Docs. I remember that last time at this year I was in kind of a similar place, and I do think there is something very triggering about this week for me...and I know what it IS but I can't speak it. Last year during this week I pulled down all of the wallpaper in our "school" room and repainted. This week, I'm doing the same thing in my boys' bathroom and my oldest son's room. So not normal behavior for me, but I have to do something, and I don't know what else to do.

I feel like I'm spiraling down and barely hanging on. I looked into an intensive outpatient program today, but I don't know how I can do it with no one to watch my kids. I literally can't even go away for a weekend, you know? It's just how things are.

I see T on Wednesday and then he goes on vacation and here I am.

I just feel like I suck for not being able to support and for just complaining and needing but I don't know where else to PUT this stuff.

I'm sorry. And I really do appreciate people who are listening.

I'm really scared this is all going to come to a head. I'm going to say the words out loud and I don't know what's going to happen. I'm afraid kicking at T was the least of it, you know? It's not about T, at all. But it's so scary. So so scary.

((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are having a rough week and with the date and everything.... not fun at all. Keep posting and sharing what you can, especially the feelings. Little Tree has a lot to feel and she deserves the space to feel those feelings. You are doing great by being there for her. BIG HUGS to that very precious Little Tree.

(((((hugs))))))) I'm sorry you had a hard day but it's great that you're keeping busy during all this. Believe it or not, this stuff does have its place and meaning - it has value and needs to be felt by all parts. I agree with Pow - little Tree does need a place to let her feelings out, and you're helping her so much by talking about it with people who care. Feel better soon Tree..this will pass and you'll feel better for having gone through it.

I keep admiring how you take concrete steps to handle things, like going to the 12 step meeting, asking for the Pdoc referal, etc. Sometimes it's so hard to believe those things will work when you feel awful. You might not think you're supporting, but I think you are doing it just by being yourself. I'm glad you're here.

(((((((((Treehouse)))))))))

I hate to hear you suffering so much.

Like ripping a band-aid off. Just tell. You'll feel much better.
Whatever happens, happens. You will be able to handle it - you've already handled it because you survived and are still here and you are coping so well.
But if you get it out, it has the chance to feel better. (It WILL feel better)

Tell him this. That's all you need to do.
He will understand

((((( Tree )))))

You are getting through this....It hurts. It's scary. It's SO SO HARD....and you are doing what you need to in order to get through it. I hope your appt with T comes quickly and that you are able to make progress to get you closer to the other side. I can understand wanting to run from big feelings, or to want to numb yourself. I do it well...*sigh*...but in the end, the way to deal with this is to work through it with T. SO scary. But know that T loves you and wants to help you so so badly....

We are here for you, Tree.....

I see T tomorrow morning at 8:30.

I feel sad and scared.

Hang in there Treehouse, you will get through this as well. Remember you are VERY strong!!

Bring pocket riders? You can do this Tree

((((( HUGS )))))

I will gladly hop into your pocket if you would like Tree!

I'm jumping in your pocket if you want.

(((((((((((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))))

Tree, thinking of you and sending lots and lots of safe hugs.

You can do this!!!!!

(((tree))) I think this is one of those times that you can't feel better until you feel better. Duh, huh? I mean that until you get to talk about it more with T, it's going to feel uncomfortable. Maybe if you can just allow that it will be that way for now, with the expectation that it will be better when you see T today, it might help take some of the edge off? When we have to wait to get things resolved, it naturally adds extra anxiety. We not only want to go back and make it not have happened, but we want to get through it fast and not feel 'this' way. Wating.. ugh!

I hope you are feeling MUCH better after your session today

I am so sad about seeing T today.

I am afraid to go in there and feel if/how things have changed.
I will miss being able to hold his hand to get grounded at the end of session (he isn't taking that away, but I am)
I don't want to have the stupid conversation where I apologize and he says it's okay. It's NOT okay and arguing about it will make it worse.
I know that I was more triggered than ever at my last session, and that, of course, that points to big stuff that I don't want to talk about.
This is historically a hard week for me.
I feel sick.
I want to cry.

T said we will gently work on rebuilding trust.

I want things to be better, I want to not talk about anything that we need to talk about. I want T to just be some guy and not T, who knows all of my secrets, probably even some of the ones I haven't even spoken out loud.

I hate myself for the things I need to talk about. I can't say them out loud into the room.

I'm so tired of shame.

And on and on and on.

I leave in 45 minutes

it sounds so hard for youthese virtual hug just dont do it.i so wish i could give you a real hug and say things will be ok.your T will be himself and you will get through thiss.talking about this hard stuff isnt easy at all and you are so brave for even attempt it.you will be ok just go slow and it is ok if you cant talk about it

tree, I hope that you got what you needed at your session today. You and your T have a strong relationship and I know he will help you. Like granite said, these virtual hugs aren't adequate for what I feel for you.

(((Tree))) I hope it went well, and I agree that virtual hugs don't do justice to what we're feeling. T is a good T and he knows how to handle this...have faith in that

I'm back from session. I'm not even sure what to say. It was hard.

I know I had the past and now all mixed up in my head. I know that I had little me and big me all confused. I know that part of me was in the office and part of me was somewhere else, far away, where I was hurt. I know that it was hard to stay present.

I know that it felt like something really safe was gone. I know that I felt like my little self asked to have her needs met in the past and that it turned out yucky, and that becoming brave enough again to ask to have my needs met now felt too scary and too yucky and too ick.

I know that at one point, I said "I wish it could just be us like it was before" and T said "It CAN. It's just you and me. We can decide right now to change it.". And it felt true, but not true at the same time.

I know I hid a lot.

I know that at the end, I really really wanted to not have another week like this one. I told T that I wished I could be brave enough to figure out what I need and ask for it.

I did finally ask him if he wanted to touch fingers. He asked if he could move his chair closer, so he did and we reached out and touched fingers. I asked if it was okay, if it was safe, if he was still him and I was still me, if he knew that I just wanted to be safe and connected. He asked, how about two fingers? So we touched two. And he asked, how about three? So we touched three. I breathed and tried to believe it was okay, and it WOULD be okay.

T told me that his love for me doesn't change. That he knows we were both surprised at what happened last session, and that a deep, deep trigger had been touched. He said that we both had feelings about it. And he said that we have all of these years together, and that if ruptures happen, it doesn't take away the love and trust we've built.

I don't know how I feel. Session was so scary...my heart was pounding so hard that by the end of the 90 minutes I literally thought I was going to fall asleep every time I blinked.

I want to move through this. I want to move through what's happening with T, and with the story I can't tell. I just want it to be over.

I need hope or grace or something. I guess all I can do right now is try to stay in this moment.

(((((Tree))))) All that matters, right now, is that you got through it. You've got something truly, honestly beautiful with T that few other people experience.

It will be over soon, Tree, and like others have said, you'll be better for having gone through it. It is scary, and T knows that. He'll only go as far as you will, at the pace you decide.

Big gentle hugs - you've had a hard day and now it's time to relax as best as possible.

Good job on getting through it Tree.

Know that the story will be told. This will pass. Hoping you find hope and grace.

You and T are doing so well. Sending you strength

((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))))) If you need some extra and if you will accept my offer, I'll hold some strength and hope for you through this. YOU WILL MAKE IT. YOU WILL BE OKAY.