Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,
Thank you so much for accepting me for who I am, with all my flaws (the ones that you know about that is ). It means the world to me that you haven't rejected me for my behavior while you were gone. It means the world to me that you weren't angry at me, or condemning me. It means the world to me that you called me a "brave girl" .
I love you so very much that it's terrifying me. I am so afraid of losing you. Just knowing that your mother is dying and that you would have to go away again soon is very distressing to me. It was so hard last week when you weren't here . But I can't express that to you, because it feels so selfish of me to think about how your mother's death is going to affect me, where you are the one who is really suffering from it .
Your mother dying is also triggering in me all my anxieties about you becoming sick (god forbid). That is such a devastating thought to me. I feel like I used to feel when I was a little girl and the thought of my parents dying one day used to make me feel so scared and helpless .
I guess this is the flip side of getting so attached to someone. The dependency and the terror of loss...
I thank god in my heart for having you. I feel like you are my corrective emotional experience, with your acceptance, open mindedness and authenticity. Everything my mother is not.
Thank you cannot even express what I really want to say. I love you with all my heart .
Vaffla

vaffla, that was a beautiful letter. It's okay to feel bad for yourself because your T will have to leave again when her mother passes. You can feel sad for her and sad for you both.

I want to talk about hugs and touching when I see you. I know you never judge me and I've talked about difficult things, but it's hard when it involves you. I know you'll ask how it feels to hug others; you will deflect it away from you. But, still, the way I felt last time hugging you, is on my mind. Another time I told you I didn't know how to hug and you said I do. So there aren't any rules of hugging. But it doesn't feel right to feel your body. I know you don't feel that way about me, so I know it's my issue. I hope I won't sit there tomorrow, if you're better and I have my session, and not be able to say these words. I so much wish I could cry!!! I so badly want to stay connected to you like when we hold hands. It's okay to touch hands. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know you don't like to hear me say those words. It's about a part that feels self-conscious; that's all. I'm feeling compassion for her and she's just a part to be curious about. See, I can "be you" all by myself now.

please, please come back home we need you so badly we are falling apart

Dear T,

Thank you for sending me an email early this morning. It helped me alot! When you do things like that, it can snap me out of spiraling downward within minutes of reading it. I needed for you to do that for me.

I wish you would not make me talk about all those emails I sent to you in the past few days. I am past that stuff, so we don't need to talk. Do we? Yes, I am sure you will say that we do. You will want to know how I was "feeling" and why I allowed my emotions to take over so strongly. My answer to that is "I don't know!"

Sometimes I think I am better off not sending you emails when I am having a really hard time. I know that those are the times that you really want me to contact you. Why? So that you can help me work through it? Why can't I do this by myself by now? How long is it going to take for me to "get it"?

Squiggle

Dear T,
Right now I am so jealous that your son's have such a great father...I know that they always know you love them and that you will never leave them...you go to their sporting events and you love on em with hugs and touches...and you probably pray with them and tuck them in and spend time talking to them and know them...woah I need to stop now before I lose it-I just wish I had those things and I'm hurting with the realization that I will never have that I hope they realize how great you are...I know I do
I miss you & can't wait to see ya Thursday

Dear T, If I tell you everything, will that be the end of me? Will I go through the rest of my life regretting that I did?

tons

i can tell you ... but I don't want to.

dear T
i know i only call you when i am in crisis to dump on you and i never expect you to call me back but today i called and left you a positive message, i let you know how successful i was at managing my anxiety today. instead of getting that crisis call we might have expected this evening, you are coming into a triumphant message tomorrow morning. and you know what, unlike the crisis calls where i dont expect a call back, for this call, i would really really love it if you called me back and congratulated me on how well i did. i could really use the pat on the back, the positive reinforcement, the atta girl, great job. u know how worried i was. it would just make me feel cared about.

I was spoiled getting to have several sessions in the last week. After tomorrow I don't get to see you for a week, and I'm already sad. I think because I got to come in last Friday, this past Monday and then tomorrow, so 7 days until next time will feel like a long time.

I'm afraid of becoming too dependent on you, though, even though you told me not to worry about that. You wouldn't have me come in so much if you didn't think I need it right now. My life is pathetically lonely and unfulfilled and therapy has become my safest place that I look forward to coming to, but I know I need things outside of your office to fulfill me. I just feel so stuck and alone and I wish I didn't feel guilty about needing you and wanting to talk to you so much right now.

I need your support and help, but am afraid to ask for it, or even know what form that would take. Please don't assume all is fine because I haven't/will not be in touch or informed you that I'm having a very hard time.

The most threatening thing about revealing things we have done lies at the threshold of the healing power of truth. Better to deal with the circumstances surrounding the event and not the event itself. I have been in therapy most of my life and have only recently gotten over the feeling that I must confess everything i have done. This in itself is quite a burden that I have finally been relieved of. It lead to more productive discussions with the best councilor I have ever had. Hell there are times now when I actually feel happy and somewhat fulfilled. Go figure, ha ha. Owning my responsibility for bad decisions does not by any means let my parents off the hook for the lack of parenting skills. This in itself is a real battle. Of course m perceptions are warped. The heat of shame and failure burns deep within us and We owe it to ourselves to explore this within ourselves and our counselors. They can only deal truthfully with the truth as they see it.Think of the counselor as the lawyer in our life who needs the absolute truth in order to properly defend us from ourselves. I will stop here and just hope that what I have offered is accepted for what it is; food for thought. Good luck and bless you.

Dear T,

I am super nervous about our session today. Do you know how much I regret sending you those emails? Will you just ignore them? Will you let me act like I never had that breakdown? What does it matter anyway because I am over it!

BTW~will you have a pillow for me today? The new couch is okay, but I need a pillow! Holding my purse on my lap was just not the same.

Squiggle

It feels so alone and i don't trust you right now

Daughter's T:

I'm done.

My T:

6 days until your vacation is over. So much has happened. I need to process with you. Keep the blanket ready!

okay t, i am still glad you called, i just cannot come in right now and i am not sure why. i have an inkling of why i cannot, but i am not wanting to face that right now.
part of it is you, part of it is me
or is it all just my "perception"... life sucks

It's ok. You didn't realize.

Dear T,

I think you are placing unrealistic expectations on me. You keep asking me why I "Shut Down" when I come into therapy. I have told you 100 times, "I don't know!" If I did know, don't you think I would fix that?

You also keep asking me why I feel that I don't deserve to be in therapy or why I don't feel that I am worthy of receiving help. Why do you keep asking me that? I am really sick and tired of you bringing that up over and over and over! I cannot answer that question because I don't know.

You are really discouraging me by giving these kinds of homework assignments. I can't do them, and that makes me feel like if I can't do it, then maybe I don't need to be in therapy? I don't think I will ever be able to answer them.

I have always been this way. That's just who I am. I don't think that is going to change no matter how much time I spend in therapy. I am never going to be 100% confident in myself. You might as well accept that.

Squiggle

T:

5 days. I don't have a clue what I will say to you; how I will act. I keep imagining different things in my head. I think I would like to cry. I need to cry but it's been so long since I have cried I don't think I know how. Is it okay with you if I cry?

T: Thank you for an awesome session. Thank you for leading me in a mindfulness exercise...can we always do that, please? Thank you for being so incredibly patient with me and understanding. Thank you for listening to me and actually hearing what I'm saying and taking it in to consideration.

there was something I wanted to tell you today but I wasn't ready. maybe next time.

I didn't like when you told your next client that you liked his haircut while I was still walking out of the waiting room. You could have waited until he got inside and I was gone. I don't want you to act like you do with me, with the others. I know that's selfish of me. They deserve you too!

Something else. I'm jealous of you because of your H's profession. He makes a lot of money. You don't even NEED to work!! You never talk about him either, and that really annoys me. I told you that once and you still didn't want to say anything about him. Yes, I'm jealous and you know that. Still, I wish I knew something about him other than he has a million FB friends whom I can see.

Aside from that, it was still a great session!!! I am so glad you're my T. You understand me and make it easy for me to say ANYTHING to you. I'm telling you things I never told any T before, EVER. I am so glad I found you. I keep forgetting to tell your colleague how grateful I am to HER for recommending you to me.

Dear T,
I want to shove the word "transfer" down your throat.

Crazy, i love your avatar guy dancing around.... whenever i see it, it always puts a smile on my face. thank you.