Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

You didn't email me yet and I'm getting worried!! Please email me soon!!

i do kind of miss her this week but don't let her know it is a secrete

Dear T,

Yesterday, I went to what I thought would be a routine doctor's appointment. Instead, I ended up having some pretty serious tests done and getting stitches. It sent me right back to being that little girl again. Growing up, there were so many times I had to go to the doctor by myself, or stay home sick by myself, because there was no adult around to go with me or take care of me afterwards. Now, I'm a grown-up. I don't NEED anyone to make me soup, fluff my pillows, or tell me I'm going to be okay. But a part of me still wanted to call or text you. A part of me wanted to tell you what happened and feel supported and nurtured by you. As you know, you're the closest thing I have to a "maternal" figure in my life. Still, I'm proud of myself for handling the situation, managing my emotions, and resisting the urge to reach out to you. I don't want to feel needy or dependent on you. I don't want to contact you outside of session. But I can't deny that there was that part of me that just wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to hear you say that you were there for me. I wanted to feel like I didn't have to go through things alone anymore, like I did when I was a kid. I wanted to feel like you'd be there for me if I asked you to be.

Love,
ScorpioSis

Dear T, thanks for all your help.

I'm so glad I have a regular weekly spot now It was so worth sticking it out with the uncertain sporadic time slots these first couple months. You kind of brushed it off when I said I was glad I ended up with you as my T and you said I would probably do just as well with anyone else, but I genuinely like you, Dr. [X]. I feel safe and comfortable with you, and maybe it's true that most therapists make their clients feel that way, but isn't it okay that I like YOU specifically and certain things about you? I hope so cause that's just how I feel

It feels good to hear you say "we"...you really are with me. You do want the best for me. You're going to help me. We are in this together--I will be doing the work, but you will be beside me making sure I'm okay. I know this is your job, but I'm grateful for people like you who are willing to have such a job.

...I probably could say these things to you, but I'm a bit shy to do that right now

Dear T, I think I love you.

Dear T,
I'm so sorry I was rude to you when I left Wed - I feel like crap! I couldn't get out the words I wanted to say in session, so when I got up to leave I felt the tears starting. You saw and said, "Are you all right?" I could hear the concern in your voice, but the session was over and I just had to leave. I just turned away from you and almost yelled "YESSSSS!!!" and went out the door. Now I have to wait to our next appt to apologize..... 6 days. Gah, I I feel so bad! You're such a nice man and so patient with me. You don't deserve to be treated like that. I hope you'll understand when I apologize.

Dear T............

I know you pushed me about inviting my dad to come to therapy last session. I know you really think you can help. I hope you understand why I don't think this is a good idea and also that it's not about not trusting you, it's about not trusting my dad. I don't think I can bring this up with you yet and it is bugging me that you think I don't trust you.

Dear T,
So, I know we've been talking about continuing sessions once I move away, but it just all seems so complicated. I am afraid that I'll never be satisfied with having less than what I have now. I think sometimes it would be better to go with my original inclination and just terminate sessions when I move. I mean, we are supposed to go with our gut feeling right? Normally, when I speak to ending with you, I feel so conflicted and deep down I know that I don't really want to stop seeing you. This time I feel no conflict when I mentioned not continuing, and if anything, I felt some relief lifted off of me. We'll see. I have a little more time here. I can always change my mind right? I'm sorry I've thrown you with the suggestion, and NO, I don't want to see someone else where I move. I know you really want to continue working with me. I don't know. I don't want to add more complication to my life.
Confused,
Crazy

Dear T,

Back at the end of April I shared with you a 6 page 'story' that was very confusing and upseting to me. Something I desperately needed to process. That's when all the ruptures and stuff happened. Not that the story is to blame, but it all happened at the same time. I've mentioned several times how I need to return to talking about this 'story' that I am continuing to write, but you still haven't talked about it with me.

Oh, and the part I really wanted to tell T -- It's now 36 pages in length, and I NEED you to be calm, cool, and collected throughout this process because if another rupture occurs, I'm blaming the 'story', and I will NEVER talk about it AGAIN.

Sincerely,

Sleep Deprived Stormy

Dear T,

I have a very bad kidney infection and am on medicine for it. I told my mate it was mild so she would not worry, but I am in a lot of pain. But I didn't want to go to the hospital! And I didn't tell the doctor about what alter Andy did last weekend with taking too many asprin. I am afraid that he hurt us too badly this time and I could have serious problems from it. I don't want to tell my mate at all! And I feel so badly that she is taking care of me when I feel like I deserve to suffer because I couldn't control that alter doing that. Every single joint in my body aches and I really hate that "I" did this to myself. Andy is very sorry and even cried a little about this. I hate DID and don't understand why I still can't remain out all the time if an alter gets too upset. It isn't fair that I have DID. :-( I just want to be normal..... Me

Dear T,

Thank you for responding to my email that let you know just how bad off I am (or can be at times). I had a feeling you wouldn't let this slide and you didn't. Now I feel that I shot myself in the foot! This whole can of worms is opened and I doubt that you are going to let it slide. I really don't want to talk about it in our next session. I just had a weak moment, that's all. It is nothing to get all intense about!

Squiggle

Dear T, I hope my manager doesn't schedule my shift during our next appointment, because I really want to see you and start doing EMDR......I'm assuming that's what you meant by "reprocessing"?

Dear T, still okay with being gone and besides still need to lose some weight and also i decided it is your turn to call for an appt. i have called enough and i have lotsa questions.

Why did you write "enjoy the gorgeous weather" when it was hot and humid? I know you were in a hurry to send my email but this is the first time I've thought that you just "made something up". Maybe it's cooler by you? I know you can tolerate the heat more than I can so you thought it was nice out?

I have to discuss hugs with you, but I an SO dreading the conversation. I think there's some transference going on regarding my daughter.

Dear daughter's T,

I wish you were my T. I don't know how to tell you that. Maybe you already have guessed it.

We're going to sit in the other waiting room tomorrow. You keep telling me that he won't be there but I'm not sure if I believe you. Maybe I don't trust you. When I think about tomorrow, I get all panicky. Please be nice.

Rainbow,
I just thought I would let you know that people can have very different ideas of what is "nice" weather. While I am comfortable at about 75 (and find anything much higher starting to get uncomfortable) I have a classmate that was complaining that it hadn't reached 90 yet. So it may be that your T really does like hot and humid weather. While I don't, I know there are people who do.

I just want to chime in and agree with googley--I personally hate hot weather, anything above 75, 80 at most and I feel yuck. I suspect my t must like the heat though, and would probably find it "gorgeous" because he has a higher floor un-airconditioned office and is always drinking cups of hot tea, even on a day when the heat index was near 100 I was dying and there he was sipping steaming tea, lol. Anyway so yes, your t probably was being sincere, but was just thinking of what (s)he finds comfortable.

I have a lot of problems that we haven't even gotten to yet and I think the biggest one is that I still hold back a lot in session. I measure my words so carefully that it is exhausting sometimes. Do you know I am holding back all the time? I hate that I feel like if I really let it all out you will think that I am a horrible person. Why did you ask last week if I had a drink when I was out to dinner? I can't get that question out of my head. I wish you would push me a bit harder. Sometimes I don't feel I'm getting anywhere in this therapy. Do you think I'm too fragile to do more? How do you determine the pace? When I really talk in session I end up leaving feeling like such a whiner. I am tired of the things I need to do being simple, but not easy. I want you to know I didn't always feel this way about myself.

Dear T,

I had a MAJOR trigger today. A position that I have been wanting for the past year or so was offered to my daughter. What??? This person is well aware that I am more experienced than she is and that I wanted that position. I am trying to be happy for my daughter, but on the inside it is killing me!!

Yes, I am doing REBT. I am working through those steps like you have taught me to do. BUT, I have to take her to the practices so I will be sitting in another room while she practices with the band. Talk about awkward???

Man, this is so hard. Not sure what the lesson in is this, but I am sure I will learn something from it. I guess maybe that I trained my daughter well and she is able to experience something that I have done for years. Maybe now it is her turn to enjoy this. Yes, that is probably what I should be thinking, but this is hard.

My husband thinks I am taking this way too personal. His question to me was, "When do you see your therapist again? You don't need to turn to SI to get through this. You are letting this get to you and I think you need to call her and talk this through."

NO, I am not calling you about some frivilous thing such as this. I will calm down and think this through logically.

Squiggle

Squiggle - it's not frivolous if it's a major trigger.

Dear T
So i am going to this training on suicide prevention for the next two days. I know you were pretty interested in attending it yourself and had me fax you the registration paperwork. Pretty hard to turn down the 14 CEUs for only 45 bucks and free lunch to top it off. You know how worried I am about being triggered and I know you are concerned yourself. We've prepared me by talking about what meds to bring to take in case i am triggered and start experiencing psychosis like I did at the training I attended a few years ago. Of course I wasnt at this level of stability then so we are hoping that I will be fine. What I am hoping, is that you do go to the training and that you sit at a table with me. That would make me feel more secure, having you right there with me. I cant stand the one woman I am going with. She has no faith in me being able to make it thru the training. She keeps telling me she understands if I can go. That she needs me to put myself first, take care of me, we need to keep kaliope ok, i can go talk to the boss with you about not going if you dont think you can make it. Its been non-stop from her. i know she has been meaning to be supportive but it is very negative support. so if youre there, be close.

Dear T,

I'm really going to miss you this week! When you told me you were going to be away, you said "You can always contact me if you need to. I'll be reachable by phone or text. You can..." I cut you off and said: "It's okay. I'll be fine. You deserve a vacation, too!" I meant what I said. I will be fine and you do deserve a vacation. It's the only vacation you've taken all year. And I really do appreciate what you said! I appreciate you telling me that I COULD contact you if I needed to. I appreciate you telling me that you'll still be reachable-- it made me feel like your caring extends past that hour a week in your office. But it's still hard to skip a week. It's hard because I'll miss you. It's hard because there are things I feel like I'm bursting to tell you, and now I have to wait another week. It's hard because going to therapy with you is one of the things I look forward to. It's a mid-week "pick me up"; a welcome dose of support, reassurance, and confidence that holds me over until the weekend. But as much as I will miss you, I don't feel abandoned, I don't feel let down, and I don't feel un-cared for. You're simply on vacation this week and will be back next week with a smile on your face (and probably a suntan), ready to hear everything I have to share. I really do appreciate the relationship I have with you-- it's incredible how much I've gained from building a secure attachment with you!

Love and hugs,
ScorpioSis

Dear T,
I wish I could afford to see you and to move back.
Crazy

Dear T,

I feel like the worst mother in the world. I know that I'm not, but I sure feel that way right now. I also feel like I am regressing. Like I am falling back down into that awful pit of despair.

I don't want to disappoint you. I want you to feel good about the work we have done, but I am going through a bad place again. Not sure why this happens. Yes, I know that triggers set this off, but why can't I nip those triggers in the bud? I should be able to identify them and change my thought pattern, but sometimes I can't. Or maybe I don't want to?

I know that I have been sending too many emails this week. Well, is 4 too many? You keep telling me to "send away" and that you want me to email you when I need to. Am I over-exaggerating this situation? Is this just something that broke the camel's back and that's why I am falling so far down?

Squiggle