Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,

I am doing a little better with my anxiety, but I still fear that I totally exposed my feelings to you last session. I told you how much I cared for you and what you mean to me. Yes, I really do think I did the right thing, and that you see that as progress, but I sure am scared by what I did.

I know that you can't really make too big of a deal about what I said in those letters. You can only say that you appreciate them and you know how much courage it took for me to do that. You also said that it showed great progress.

I just wish that you didn't have such a strong boundary. I mean, I wish you could get all sappy with me and shed a tear or two. But, I realize you can't do that. You can't make therapy about you, it has to stay all about me and my feelings. It can't focus on you and your feelings.

Even though I hate it, I am glad that you hold strong to your boundaries. It would have the potential to really mess things up if you let your guard down. But, I wonder if those letters really touched you more than you let on. Did you read them after I left? Did you put them in my file?

After saying all that in the past two sessions, it is hard for me to know what to do at this point. I don't want to bring that up every time we meet, but it's hard to move on. I am a bit embarrassed, but I know that I shouldn't be. Like I said, I know that I did the right thing and allowed my feelings to show. This is what we have been working on for so long.

Monday seems like eternity away, but I am okay. I know that I can email or call you if I need to. I am going to try not to do that. I know that you have a family to take care of and that you have a life outside of therapy.

Going back to work will keep me busy and hopefully not thinking too much about therapy. I wish that I could limit my 'therapy thoughts' to just one hour a day. That would make my life so much easier. Not obssessing and over analyzing things all the time.

I think when I come in on Monday, I may just want to rest. Just be quiet and think. Or maybe not think. Just be calm and allow myself to take in all that has happened with us the past two sessions. Would that be okay with you?

Squiggle

Dear T,

Thank you for saying "I'm glad you came back" after we talked about me wanting to quit therapy after a rough session last week...and that even though you are going to start being extremely busy you said that leaving me would be neglectful and that we will work it out...I'm working on trusting this...please don't leave me or let me down...also I still didn't feel as connected to you-I feel like something is missing the past 2 sessions-but it might have to do with me...and my desire to flee...thank you for praying with me-this is my favorite part of each session <3

Love,
Working my butt off in and out of the room

Dear T,

Thank-you for the sweet compliments today. They flowed genuinely from you, and they made me feel pretty, special, and loved. You made me feel that way. One of the things I like most about you is that, like me, you don't have much of a filter. You say what you're thinking, when you think it. Most Ts would probably hold back more and choose their words more deliberately, but I prefer your approach. I feel fortunate to have a more "unedited" T because it gives me a better sense of how you really feel-- about whatever topic is at hand and about me as a client. When you blurt out something nice-- because it occurred to you in the moment and you can't wait to express it-- you make me smile and you make me feel good about myself. You help me see myself through your eyes, and I always like the way I look from your perspective.

Sometimes I want to give you compliments as well, but I don't. I rarely give anyone compliments. I compliment the people I date, but I don't really compliment my friends, co-workers, or the other peole in my life. I often think nice things about them, but I keep those thoughts to myself. I think I'm afraid my compliments might be taken "the wrong way"-- that people will think I am being "inappropriate" or "hitting on them" when that isn't my intention at all. I'm even less likely to give compliments that relate to appearance, clothing, or self-presentation. I realize this fear exists mostly in my head, but it still feels real to me.

Today, in session, I gave you sort of an inadvertant compliment. I said something nice about X people, and then you asked if I see you as X. I said yes. But rather than saying "thank-you, it's nice that you see me that way," you said "Well, I'm not really X. I'm more Y." I wanted to tell you not to sell yourself short. I wanted to tell you that just because you are Y, doesn't mean you aren't also X. I wanted you to understand how I see you; to see yourself through my eyes. It's not that I think you have low self-esteem; I don't. In fact, I think you have quite a lot of self-confidence. That's why I'm suprised that you would place yourself in category Y rather than category X. It tells me that you don't see yourself the way I see you. I wish I could have explained this to you in the moment. But, once again, I was afraid that if I explained why I see you as X, that it might sound as though I were being "inappropriate."

When we discuss things like body image, it feels appropriate for me to discuss my body and the way I see it. It feels appropriate for you to tell me whether you think my assessment is accurate and, in so doing, tell me how you see me. But is it appropriate for me to initiate a comparison between you and myself? Is it appropriate for me to discsuss the way I see you, and how that impacts the way I see myself? Where is the line?

While I feel our discussion is "unfinished" and I am left with a lot of questions, I really appreicated our session today. I really appreciated the way you were with me, and I'm glad I got to say "thank-you." I didn't say as big of a thank-you as I would have liked-- I only got part way through my planned "speech"-- but at least I said thank-you and you HEARD it. I got to see you react to my "thank-you." I hope that it made you feel good about yourself and the work that you do. I want you to know how much you mean to me and how much of an impact you have on my life.

Love,
ScorpioSis
xoxox

Dear pdoc,

After today, I bloody love you.

F

I hope you don't mind my very long email. It's just that I felt like I had to write it all! It's only a week but it seems so much longer though I don't miss you as much as I thought I would.

I told you everything I wanted to in the email. I'm so confused about all of these "love" and "in love" feelings. I'm trying not to be ashamed of them but instead, I'm curious. I want to get to the bottom of them, and if it helps to have the transference be happening with you, then it's okay with me. But, please help me figure it out!! I trust that you know more than I do about why I feel the way I do. Please share with me what you think. And don't force me to do EMDR if I still want to talk about feelings for you.

T,

I would dearly love to share my life story with you, all the weird and wonderful things I have experienced as well as the pain and the suffering. But I’m afraid you might think I’m just attention seeking.

Hey pdoc, tis me again..

Thanks for telling me to call when I'm out of the country if I need to.
It actually makes me wonder if you really DO care.

F

Dear T,

Well, it's going on 3 weeks that i haven't seen you. It seems like you are gone all the time anymore. I wish you wouldn't go away and leave me alone so much. I know i need to make progress, and am doing so. But it feels like you're pushing me out of the nest before I'm ready. It makes me scared.

Dear T,

I am worried about taking off work early to see you each week. My boss said that it is okay, but I have to impose on my co-workers to take my students the last 30 minutes of the days when I have an appointment.

I am back to wondering if I really need to see you each week. You know how I struggle with NOT wanting to be dependent on you. But you know what? Right now I am. I need help! I need someone to help me navigate through my life.

I have been with you for 17 months now. While I can see tremendous progress, I still wish I could be okay without therapy. What is it that I am hoping to gain from therapy anyway? I know the answer to that, but I wonder if I will ever get to the place where I feel that I am okay without it.

What if I am still seeing you at our 2 year mark? What if I cannot afford it after December when I have to meet that $1000.00 deductible again? I know that you tell me not to think so far ahead and stop the negative thoughts I am having. But I can't do that all the time.

This week has been so hard for me. Just the stress of going back to work. What if I am so worn out by the time I get to my appointment on Monday, that I sit there like a zombie? What would be the point of me coming?

I will be glad when I stop doing this. Going back and forth about coming or not coming to therapy.

Squiggle

I wish you hadn't charged me so much to read my letters last month while I was gone. I had already paid you $160.00 and you requested $40.00 more to read 6 letters. It hurt my feelings. I see here on PC that lots of T's get emails from their clients and they even write back. Maybe they do charge extra for that but nobody has mentioned that so far. This was only a one-time thing and I did want to compensate you for your extra time but it just feels like too much. That's almost 2 1/5 hrs. of your time. Did you really spend that much time on me? Maybe you did with the 10 or so calls I made but they were short - only about 1 minute or less each. IDK - I wish I knew for sure how much time and effort it took you and then I wouldn't feel so bad about it. I absolutely do want you to be paid but it was a shock to hear that I hadn't paid enough.

I miss you this week. You rarely are away a whole week. I'm glad for you, but sad for me. The old fantasy is back, where I am sitting next to you, plastered next to you, leaning into you, silent and holding onto your arm above your elbow and resting my head on your upper arm. I suppose it is my way of saying I need you and I want you here with me. It's hard to experience the fantasy without feeling sad and lonely.

Dear T, i feel soooo sad after the session tonite. i don't want to talk about the abuse or my mom again, please

and i know you say you are not trying to criticize me but that is what it feels like every time you say your not and then i just feel hurt.
i am glad you said i did good. i needed to hear that,
i needed to switch to something lighter cause i was feeling disconnected. and i needed to feel something besides criticized and lonely.

too much pain and confusion, not enough collaboration....
collaboration=connectedness, ....

did i ever tell you t, that i hate the word relationship....thanks for not using it

My birthday is almost over. You probably didn't think of me but I thought about you.

I'm so worried you'll decide it's best for me to see someone else. I know you don't realise what I'll lose. I don't know how to make it to my next appointment time when that is a possibility.

I feel so lonely.

Dear T.

I know last night when I said I don't cry in front of anyone and you said I'm not just anybody. I know you were telling me its safe to cry in front of you. I do feel safe with you but I still may not be able to cry in front of you. Please know its just me and my control trust issues and not anything you could do differently would help.

Dear pdoc,

You're not going to approve but I have spent SOOOOOO much money over the past two weeks and it is having a positive effect on how I feel.
I'll spend more too since I'm leaving the country on Monday..

Will try not to hear you telling me to stop spending while I'm away.

F

Dear T
You disappointed me today. you said that you would email my new pdoc and tell him how anxious i get around dr's, let him know my diagnosis, set em strait you called it before he could make any misdiagnoses about me based on the size of my file and the fact that i get so scared i cry my way through appointments. then today you back out of advocating for me saying he wouldnt know who you are. that i am educated enough to talk to him myself. i appreciate your confidence in me but you know my problems talking to drs. you really let me down.

You paid her $200.00 to read some letters and listen to about 10 minutes of phone messages that she didn't even return?

I'm sitting here absolutely irate on your behalf SB. Your t is greedy.

Skyblue, some Ts do charge extra services like emails and phone calls, and her fees probably reflect a premium for dipping into her personal time. The amount does seem arbitrary, especially without knowing how she breaks down her services. I suggest asking her how she came to the amount to avoid resentment for her extra fees.

Dear T,
I really don't like this habit you've gotten of not replying to my test msgs when you're busy. I know I said I am cool with it and I understand you're busier now. Still! Boo! Are you intentionally trying to make me learn to deal with my emotions on my own?? Are you trying to make me less dependent on you since I am moving soon? We are winding down now as you say? Well, BOO!
Call me OK? Thanks, I love you.
Crazy

Dear T,

I am feeling better today. Still a bit unsure about what I disclosed to you in our last session. My husband is so worried that I am going to get too attached and then get hurt. He knows that will send me over the edge.

It isn't that he thinks you will hurt me on purpose or terminate me, but he is worried that if something happens to you, and you can no longer see me, that I won't be able to handle it. He thinks I will have a nervous breakdown.

Not sure about that, but I know that it would not be good for me. At least not right now. We are making such progress and I am just now really beginning to trust you and this whole therapeutic relationship.

Not sure if I will bring this up on Monday. That would be too embarrassing. I do think we need to talk about this. Just don't know how to bring it up.

Squiggle

Oh, sorry - I left out the part that she DID leave me 4 very nice messages - all totaling a bit less than 10 minutes. And they were quite helpful. I know my T is as honest as a person can be and I know she would never ever cheat me. Maybe she took a lot of time thinking about what I wrote and how to reply to my messages. But I guess the disadvantage of being on PC is that I see that lots of people have lots of contact out of session which I do not. I had wanted to pay her for this while on vacation because I needed to have contact and not be left dangling for over 2 weeks but I was shocked how much.

Sorry, this reply is off-thread.

Whoa, it was 200 for the letters and phone calls?? That doesn't include sessions? Whoa!

But during T's vacation? I mean, it wasn't just a 'touch base' kind of thing, right?

Hmm still seems high to me unless her sessions are like 400 an hour.