[WikidPissah]

Excuse the song title...it's just running thru my head. So here's the deal, I am in a lot of distress and I am not coping very well. Everytime I get into old stuff with T I am nuts for several days. My family is concerned. H and Kids want me to do a 2 week residential program (not inpatient/not hospital). It's like a partial, except I would stay there as it is too far away to commute...nights/weekends are mine though. Anyhow, I thought that maybe upping T to 2x a week would be a better alternative. So I emailed T and he basically agrees with my family...idiot. He totally ignored the 2X week suggestion. I can't help but think it's because he doesn't want to deal with seeing me twice, like once a week is too much already for him. He also wants my family involved so they can help me when I am in distress. He wants a family meeting. I don't want them involved. My kids (21 & 24) shouldn't be concerned about helping me, they should be out living and having the time of their lives. H won't be a help anyways, he works two jobs and he certainly doesn't need my crap to deal with on top of that. That's probably why they want me to go away, they can't stand me anymore. I don't blame them, I can't stand myself. So T doesn't want me, family doesn't want me...where's a chick to go? I sometimes think about getting in the water and swimming straight out until I tire too much to make it back. Everyone wins in that scenario. Except the finances aren't there to take care of final stuff. So i am stuck.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I am in a lot of distress and I am not coping very well. Everytime I get into old stuff with T I am nuts for several days.

My family is concerned.

H and Kids want me to do a 2 week residential program So I emailed T and he basically agrees with my family...idiot. I can't help but think it's because he doesn't want to deal with seeing me twice, like once a week is too much already for him. That's probably why they want me to go away, they can't stand me anymore.

So T doesn't want me, family doesn't want me...where's a chick to go?

(((((((((WP))))))))))))

I pulled out parts of your post in my quote because from the outside, it SO looks like you are mind-reading and assuming the worst. You start out by saying what a hard time you're having and that your family is concerned...but you work your way towards "nobody wants me".

It sounds to me like people DO want you, and they want you to feel better. I know it's easy to hear "we think you need more help" as "go away", ESPECIALLY when we are in those moments when we DO need more help. That distress and depression and pain color everything around us...even the love that other people have for us. I know that for me, when I feel so bad about myself, it's almost impossible to believe that anyone else would feel any differently, but I also know that as true as that feels, it's wrong. I don't FEEL like it's wrong, but I understand intellectually that it is, you know?

I hate the feeling of being sad and STUCK and I'm sorry you feel that way. Let the people around you who love and care about you help you. Sometimes when all we can see is darkness, they can illuminate a path back towards the light.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((WP))))))))))))

I pulled out parts of your post in my quote because from the outside, it SO looks like you are mind-reading and assuming the worst. You start out by saying what a hard time you're having and that your family is concerned...but you work your way towards "nobody wants me".

You're right, I am mind reading. But I know I can do this at home and I know I don't need my family policing me. The residential program is a really good program, I did it several years ago and it helped. I would get a private counseling session every day and meet with med management several times a week, as well as several groups of like minded women each day. It's a good program. But I don't want to talk to a stranger for counseling and I don't want to be away from home. I would rather get the help from T. I am not denying I need extra right now, but I don't think he wants to provide that extra. It hurts because I don't ask for much and I overlook a lot of inconsistencies. He wanted to do double sessions and we did that a couple of times, it worked well but he petered out and started scheduling me for 1...I don't know why. (I know, ask him...but that's so hard for me) IT just seems like he doesn't want to do any extra sessions.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

(I know, ask him...but that's so hard for me)

Yep

Could you tell him exactly what you wrote here? That you want to say home, and you feel like you can if you have extra support? I totally get how hard it is to ask for what we need...but it's really the only way to get it. You are worth it, WP

[wintergirl]

The program does sound like a good one, but I completely understand about not wanting to leave home and re-explain a bunch of stuff to a new T. On the other hand, though, you say it helped you the first time around, so that could be the case again!

Either way, I agree with tree that you should tell your T some of the concerns you addressed here (easy for me to say, right?).

[SpiritRunner]

I agree with tree, too.......try to talk to T about how you feel. And that you ARE worth it; don't even think about the swimming until you can't make it option, that is NOT an option!

[WikidPissah]

I will absolutely think about talking....but thinking and saying are two very different things. I see T on Tues, so it will wait until then, for now I'm white knuckling it. It's going to be a very L O N G few days. I really hate when I am this down an out. Hopefully I have enough meds to make me sleep the three days because it's the only way I'll stay out of trouble.

[sunrise]

WP, I think T is being very professional, ethical, concerned, and caring by recommending the residential program that was so helpful to you in the past.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I would rather get the help from T. I am not denying I need extra right now, but I don't think he wants to provide that extra.... IT just seems like he doesn't want to do any extra sessions.

WP, I wonder if it isn't so much that T doesn't want to help or do extra sessions, but that the kind of counseling you need now is out of his scope of practice? For example, if I needed a residential program, and it included counseling, I am not sure my T could provide me with an equivalent (and equally helpful) sort of counseling. Even though he has been a therapist for well over 20 years, I am not sure he has training for that. Maybe he does, but maybe not. I think it is a specialty area, and many Ts are not trained for it. If someone is in crisis and needs the help of a special program, then they deserve to have providers trained in it who can help them. I think there might be liability issues too. If you need a residential program and your T tries to "substitute" his own services for that instead of referring you to more intensive (and trained) help, he could be held liable. In addition, if every time you get into "old stuff" at therapy, you go "nuts", then your T may be very reluctant to increase his time with you for fear of making things worse. That's all speculation, though; as others have said, the best is to talk to your T about this. Maybe he can provide the sort of counseling that would be helpful to you and maybe he can see you more frequently. You won't know until you discuss with him. It seems like it's too important for an email conversation. I hope you can discuss in person or over the phone. That way you could also get reassured that his concern is for your well-being, and it is not that he doesn't want you.

Another alternative might be to find a partial program closer to home so you don't have to stay overnight there and can keep up the continuity of home life and being with your family. Maybe T can recommend a closer program.

[WikidPissah]

Sunrise, you make a lot of sense. Problem is, I don't think I need THAT much extra...lol. The only positive is the all female atmosphere and the groups, there aren't any of those on my island. T has been wishy washy about a lot of things, like telling me double sessions would help, then only doing that 2x and going back to singles without rhyme or reason. I just need to check in a couple times a week instead of once...that would teeter me back into sanity. He says he can teach me stabilizing skills, but he keeps forgetting to do that. I learn quickly, I just need structure and consistency...he isn't good at that...sigh.

[lastyearisblank]

You know WP I feel like there are a lot of distortions in the original post, I mean you know your situation best of course, but it just seems like you are very much loved and cared about, but almost don't want to trouble other people. I don't think our brains always match up to reality esp. when depression is talking and we don't see those options. Maybe doing that program would be a good way to just feel better so everything doesn't look so bleak. Also, one thing that comes to mind is you might be able to care for yourself but sometimes other people need us to accept their help, you know????? Would that be possible?????

[SpiritRunner]

tell T you NEED those stabilizing skills NOW! he shouldn't be 'forgetting' those.....tell him you NEED the structure and consistency. if he was doing a better job of providing for the needs you have that he does have the training to do, maybe then you aren't in the position of needing more support like the program offers. you definitely need to lay things out clearly for T, he seems like he is missing the boat a bit as far as meeting your needs in some ways....

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Also, one thing that comes to mind is you might be able to care for yourself but sometimes other people need us to accept their help, you know????? Would that be possible?????

I am distorting things...you're right. I have a hard time letting my kids help me, I have taken care of me and everyone else my whole life, it seems wrong to lean on them. Especially this year, with the cancer and everything I have been a big problem for them.

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

tell T you NEED those stabilizing skills NOW! he shouldn't be 'forgetting' those.....tell him you NEED the structure and consistency. if he was doing a better job of providing for the needs you have that he does have the training to do, maybe then you aren't in the position of needing more support like the program offers. you definitely need to lay things out clearly for T, he seems like he is missing the boat a bit as far as meeting your needs in some ways....

lol poetgirl....either he's just missing it or he doesn't want to handle it, either way I am up crap creak without a paddle. And this is no time to start with a new T, not even one at a trauma treatment center.