an end to the pain....

What you wrote is beautiful, PH. Thank you for posting it.
PG, have you read Peace is Every Step? It's about mindfulness and appreciating the beauty around you, what PH is saying. Please try to believe that you will not always feel like you do right now.

((( poetgirl )))

I am so sorry that you are in such a bad place....please hold on and know that it won't feel this way forever. I too am holding onto that knowledge.....hold on with me....

(((((((((PG))))))))) Thinking of you!!!!

I swear you are reacting to your meds. Can't they just take you off all of these meds and see if you go back to the way you were before? You were not like this before you started meds!

Poetgirl,

Please let us know if you are OK. We care about you!

I was in the hospital again.....they took me off my meds, decided I am not bipolar after all probably. I am home again, with the same pain and fear......every time it has been harder to come home. I cannot even begin to explain how hard it is and how much I know things will not ever be as they were before.....I can't unknow or undo the things that I know and the things that have happened...
No, money should not be my god. I know that. Yet I also live in fear of simply not being able to clothe/feed the kids or meet their needs. I would like to simply be able to feel secure in that......but I do not. I feel even less so now because I see this morning that my own struggle this summer, the hospitalizations, the cost of a babysitter, have really put us deeper into the hole.......there is no money to spare, to save, no cushion at all. And I am still terrified of that sensation of everything about to fall in.....
No, I don't think meds did me any good, nor did the hospital stays.......I just got fatter and lazier and more scared of life....
I am so tired......
And my H and I had a fight as soon as i got home. He said I sound like a witch.....and I feel like one, too.....
I have been thinking this morning I need to just leave. Go get my own job and place and leave and be alone and separate.
Has the suicidal feeling left.....it did in the hospital. But still I feel the need to simply escape what feels impossible to me to bear......
I am sorry. I don't think I should come here anymore because I don't feel like I have the right spirit of help to offer anymore......I don't know who I am or who I can be right now......I still feel so lost.

((((((Poetgirl))))))

I am SOOOOOO happy to hear from you. I was worried!

I'm sorry you still feel so bad. It sounds like your worries about the future are just scaring you to death, so you are wanting an escape from those fears. I can understand that your worries are about legitimate things like needing money and caring for your kids. But mixed in are also other terrifying fears about the future that may not happen for a very long time, or not the way you are fearing they will (such as suddenly your husband suddenly dying and leaving you alone to deal with everything, and not having anybody at all to help).

It seems important to me that right now, while you are in a fragile state, you force your mind to let go of worries that are future based or unlikely to happen. Focus only on what is needed to get yourself and your family through the day. . .take one day at a time! Ssk, What do I Need to Do to Get Through Today? Then focus on that. Later, when you are feeling more stable, you and your t can focus on some short-term goals to meet your financial obligations and other worries/concerns. But right now, just concentrate on getting through each day one at a time.

Also, try to be patient with yourself. You're going through a tough time right now. Being self-critical only makes you feel worse and more hopeless. You are not a bad person! Let go of the self-judgements. Take care of yourself and get through this crisis first. It's OK to take the time to do that. It's impossible to solve all the problems and figure everything out when you're in crisis. Of course it feels like too much!

You're going to be OK, Poetgirl.

PG please keep coming here i know i would miss you .all of you.the part that is strong along with the part that i vulnerable and needing of great tenderness.its OK to feel the way you do here.

PG, you don't have to support anyone here. We want to support you because we care about you. Have you talked with religious organizations about helping you with finances? Just a suggestion.

If you aren't bipolar and are off meds, maybe in a short time you will feel better. How could they goof up your diagnosis like that? Please don't give up hope. You can feel the way you used to feel, like when you first started posting. You can!

thank you all. I wish everything could be better and as it was too, but in one sense I know things can't be as they were......something in me is too wrong, too broken, too resistant to change. I don't know how to change the unwillingness......
my marriage is broken, too......H showed me papers this morning about nofault divorce. I have nowhere to go......I won't be able to have T anymore either.
what's worse is that I have discovered I don't exactly want my kids. Somehow, I still love them but something in me no longer wants them, horrible as that sounds. So wouldn't it be best to leave.
I have been a ***** this morning, saying nasty things. I feel horrible about saying them, but somehow impelled to do so. Something has turned evil in me and my soul is a twisted thing, I think. It's not depression, it's the borderline and it's the evil in me......
I feel like a Judas, a devil.....

Poetgirl,

You are NOT evil!! Depression can make us feel uncharacteristically angry, hopeless, or lethargic. It's not uncommon for a person who feels depressed to feel like they no longer want to be with their family members (or, in your case, your kids). During my depression, my thinking was very "off." I didn't think i loved my h anymore and wanted to leave him. Also, everything seemed altogether hopeless to me, and i also felt very B-A-D to the core. It was ALL the depression talking! Once i got leveled out and the depression began to subside, my loving feelings for my h returned, and i felt less self-hate and more hopeful about things working out.

Poetgirl, don't let your thoughts fool you that they are "true" statements about yourself and your life. They are "depression thoughts." You are not regulated well right now, you can't think clearly. You may not be able to see the difference -- or to see the change in you over the last few weeks -- but we do! We can see that you've become disregulated (either through med changes or something else). You are not thinking or speaking like your usual self.

PLEASE don't make any big decisions when you are not able to think clearly! What can you do right now to feel better? Or at least get through the day? It will not feel this bad forever!!

Your medicines might take a bit to clear out? I'm so sorry that you are in such a predicament.

hi pg. it's bloom3 here. i've been lurking since i left and wanted to send you a pm but it says i have to post twice before i can do that. i am so very sorry for your situation and i have so been there.

ok, here's my second post and hopefully then i can pm you. i am praying for you and so glad you are off those meds. don't give up. nothing is impossible with God! if He can do it for me he can do it for you.