[Wren_]

Do you need reassurance that your T will still be there?

that they aren't angry or upset with you?

that they won't hurt you?

that they won't leave?

that they care about you?

Are you able to ask them for reassurance of this kind and if so ... how do you ask, and how do you receive it? and, how long does the reassurance last for?

I'm not allowed to ask anymore I'm meant to just know and trust in the answers instead

I have never needed that kind of reassurance from my t's. I've always been able to trust their dedication to helping me, their deep ability to be understanding and patient, and their care and devotion to my well-being.

There is a point when you do have to trust the process. Take that leap of faith. Sounds like that is what your t is trying to get you to do. After all, apparently no matter how many times he tries to reassure you, you still don't really believe him. Rather than asking for that reassurance, write down all the positives about your t. Write down what he has done for you. The proof is there. It is time to be able to reassure yourself by looking at the facts and the evidence. Use the evidence to counter your fears.

[crazycanbegood]

YES! I always need T to reassure me constantly, oftentimes within the same session., but possibly every session. I usually ask directly, "Do you still care about me? like me? love me? are you angry with me? Why do you like me? Do you think I am a good person? Why am I a good person? Do you think I can be happy?" etc. Sometimes i say, "please say nice things to me." She says she doesn't mind giving me her reassurance because she understands that I need it. She also says that repetition is a LARGE part of her work as a therapist.

Oh, and T answers me directly. Yes or No. She may give me examples from the past or the present session.

How come you can't ask for reassurance?

[sunrise]

No, I don't need reassurance on those items. My T has always been very caring and would never do anything to hurt me. He always has my best interests at heart. I know he cares about me very much. He is always kind and caring.

Maybe he hasn't been mad or angry with me, but my T has been irritated with me before, and once he was appalled. I did ask him about that and he owned it. I didn't really doubt that he was, so it wasn't that I was seeking reassurance that he wasn't, but confirmation that he was. I was direct about it. I think a direct question usually works well, and T's usually appreciate that.

Probably the closest I come to those things you ask about is that my T sometimes messes up on the times and days of our appointments. Or maybe it's I who mess up, or we somehow don't communicate well on our scheduling. It's a mystery why we mess up so much. So sometimes I get nervous when I am in his waiting room and wonder if we are really meeting that day or not. At my last session, a client arrived when T and I still had 30 minutes to go. He went to talk to them to see if they had the wrong time, and it wasn't even his next client, but one who was not due for another hour and a half, so he sent them away. These things just happen way too often and they make me feel insecure.

Tigergirl, maybe your T could write out the answers to your questions on a piece of paper and give it to you. Whenever you needed reassurance, you could look at the paper and read his words. Maybe that would be a kind of compromise you could reach with him. It sounds hard to never be allowed to ask for reassurance. My T sometimes says to me, "what do you need from me today?" I think it's nice he asks. I feel sure that if I needed reassurance that day, he would allow me to ask and give it. Did your T used to allow you to ask but got tired of it and won't let you anymore?

[crazycanbegood]

It's not about questioning T per se, at least for me. It's about a long history of people mistreating me, people who were supposed to love me and protect me. Of course, with T being in a nurturing role, I am going to transfer my insecurities onto her.

[lastyearisblank]

I never ask for reassurance T cares because it feels like handing someone a great big folded roadmap to your insecurities and honestly if they haven't proved themself safe through their actions no words are going to fix that. Yeah, healthy, right? I like to think so.

P.S. Sometimes it comes to the tip of my tongue though esp after a hard week when I would love to hear something nice.

[crazycanbegood]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

I never ask for reassurance T cares because it feels like handing someone a great big folded roadmap to your insecurities and honestly if they haven't proved themself safe through their actions no words are going to fix that. Yeah, healthy, right? I like to think so.

Sometimes its nice to be wrapped in the warmth that the verbal reassurances give you.

[lastyearisblank]

I feel like sending u a hug if that is ok cbg

But yes verbal reassurances are good if you can ask for them they can just be hard to hold onto.

[mixedup_emotions]

Oh yes, there are times when I ask my T for reassurance that he cares, that he won't give up on me, etc. It's usually after I have a meltdown of some sort or something big and scary is happening in my life....I love that T gives that to me when I ask him for it.

[crazycanbegood]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

I feel like sending u a hug if that is ok cbg

But yes verbal reassurances are good if you can ask for them they can just be hard to hold onto.

thanks. i'm really pathetic eh? i also hijack the thread with my patheticness

[lastyearisblank]

It is not because u are pathetic. It is just hard not to hug a valiant young mongoose such as urself.

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

It's not about questioning T per se, at least for me. It's about a long history of people mistreating me, people who were supposed to love me and protect me. Of course, with T being in a nurturing role, I am going to transfer my insecurities onto her.

This is how it is for me too.

Tigergirl, I DO ask for reassurance. I remember once early in therapy, T mulled out loud "for some reason I want to reassure you..." but left it at that, and I totally latched onto it in my mind. Like..WHY didn't he just reassure me? Could he not for some reason?

I started bringing it up, and he never really gave me what I needed. Once, I got angry and told him "for $90 an hour, you should say anything I want you to say" ( lol - I was kind of new to therapy at this point).

Anyhow, he DID start giving me reassurance...but if I asked more than once in a session, he would say "didn't you hear what I already said?". Ugh!

I finally told him that I grew up hearing over and over and over and over again how horrible I was, how I shouldn't have been born, that I was a stupid, ugly ******. And that ONE "you're a good person" (or whatever) wasn't going to undo it...that I needed to hear it as many times as I needed to hear it.

And T GOT IT. We've talked about it since then (recently, actually) and he said that he realized that it made so much sense, and that he WANTS to give me the reassurance that I need. He says it's easy to do.

So, yeah. I do ask if he still loves me, if he thinks I'm bad, etc. And I know when he answers, he's telling the truth...because i can FEEL that he loves me and that he thinks I'm good and all of that. But after so many years of not knowing when to trust my feelings, just feeling it isn't enough, yet. I feel it, and then I need to check in with him to make sure it's true, and that what I feel is real, and right.

I need a lot less reassurance than I used to, but when I needed it, I NEEDED it.

[skysblue]

Oh, it's too bad you can't ask anymore. That's terrible. A few months ago I had a intense fear that T wanted to terminate me. I called and told her that that is what I suspected she had in mind. She returned my call and told me that that would be a bad idea and would not terminate. Hmmm, now I understand why she thinks I have abandonment issues. I had never put 2 and 2 together until now. We have never discussed that directly.

Anyways, I went in to session with a list of questions. And during each question I looked at her while she answered. It was important to me to see if she was being honest. We went slowly and I was very attentive to her whole body response. She knows I'm sensitive and intuitive and would have detected any sign that could be interpreted as rejection. My poor T - what she has to put up with.

Anyways, these were the questions: "My question is - Is there any circumstance where you will terminate me? What are they? What about when I'm bratty? when I'm unreasonable? when I'm whining? when I'm acting pathetic? when I'm angry? when I've exposes the most nasty and shameful parts of myself? when you finally learn what a bad person I am? when you discover that I'm a liar and a cheat? when you learn that I'm greedy and mean? when you learn that I have done things that are terrible? when you see how low I am? when I pester you all the time by calling you? when I say/do things in session you don't like?"

She answered all those questions with a gentle and sympathetic - No, she would not terminate me if all that happened. Then I upped the ante:

"Yes,you are a professional and you must put up with a lot of stuff, but I want to know how you, as a person feel. Like a clerk at a shop will be polite and attentive to the customer and offer the best service possible. But if it's a difficult customer, the clerk may groan when the customer enters and be relieved when the customer leaves. So, do you dread my session coming up and feel relieved when we're done?"

She answered, "Quite opposite. I look forward to our sessions."

Tigergirl - I'm glad you brought this up. I had forgotten my interchange with my T and this helps me as we're entering rough territory.

[WikidPissah]

I don't ask for reassurance, I don't really need it though. I do have the one lingering question (which I never ask) after particularly deep sessions...."do you think I'm gross?"

[granite1]

hi TG
I rarely ever ask those loaded questions.i am terrified of the answers.a few sessions ago my T was really pushing me hard because she wanted me to talk to her about what was going on.i was freaking out because i just knew she was mad at me.i was convinced in my head that she hated me and didn't want to see me.for the first time i actually called her.but i still couldn't ask her if she was angry or anything.i asked the safest question i could and that was.are you going to be there next week and i wanted to know all is OK??she said yes.but if i asked her if she was angry and she said yes i would have been crushed.it is safer for me to leave these unanswered.
my T asked me if i had asked her if i was angry and she said no would i have believed her??ummm NO.could this be why your T doesn't want to keep verbally reassuring you .do you have a hard time believing his answer.if so maybe he wants you to take a look at his actions for proof of his intentions

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I don't ask for reassurance, I don't really need it though. I do have the one lingering question (which I never ask) after particularly deep sessions...."do you think I'm gross?"

OH - I have asked that! Or discussed it. Especially because of my current sometimes not showering thing, and because of my childhood uncleanliness. T just says he has a poor sense of smell and that his dog sleeps on his head and that she doesn't smell too good... like that's supposed to make me feel better?! Also hugging him during this humid heat wave, I leave sweat marks on his spotless tshirts, but still he insists. He's so accepting. I think he sees my sweating as a sign of my improved health and wants to encourage it. He's amazing.

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I have never needed that kind of reassurance from my t's. I've always been able to trust their dedication to helping me, their deep ability to be understanding and patient, and their care and devotion to my well-being.

There is a point when you do have to trust the process. Take that leap of faith. Sounds like that is what your t is trying to get you to do. After all, apparently no matter how many times he tries to reassure you, you still don't really believe him. Rather than asking for that reassurance, write down all the positives about your t. Write down what he has done for you. The proof is there. It is time to be able to reassure yourself by looking at the facts and the evidence. Use the evidence to counter your fears.

Reading your thread about your T fighting for you, I can see part of why you don't need reassurance; you already have it and know that you are being helped and cared for which is wonderful to have I know that part of my problem is I see the negatives and the doubts and have trouble holding on to the positives and things that would give reassurance (without needing to ask). Thanks heaps for the suggestions to write things down; and yes what you said is what he wants me to do

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

YES! I always need T to reassure me constantly, oftentimes within the same session., but possibly every session. I usually ask directly, "Do you still care about me? like me? love me? are you angry with me? Why do you like me? Do you think I am a good person? Why am I a good person? Do you think I can be happy?" etc. Sometimes i say, "please say nice things to me." She says she doesn't mind giving me her reassurance because she understands that I need it. She also says that repetition is a LARGE part of her work as a therapist.

Oh, and T answers me directly. Yes or No. She may give me examples from the past or the present session.

How come you can't ask for reassurance?

That's great she is meeting you with what you need and giving that reassurance. What farmergirl said in her post really captures why; because he wants me to know without needing to be told anymore.

Sunrise that's wonderful you know your T is caring and won't hurt you I'm glad you know that and that you are also able to bring things up like T being irritated and that he owned them instead of dodging the question and you could carry on still knowing he cares. Feeling insecure about the time mixups seems totally understandable to me; I hope those stop happening

Did your T used to allow you to ask but got tired of it and won't let you anymore?

More a case of he wants me to rely on the evidence and not need to ask questions or think things that don't make logical sense and don't follow on from supporting evidence

crazycanbegood that's great your T is so nurturing and I'm glad you shared the things you did; nothing pathetic about that

[dismissed feelings]

I do identify with the "Do I make T angry?" worry. If I do, will they be less motivated to help me?

Then again, I always worry they are not really motivated in the first place (human nature being what it is and all) and that it's all a racket. I sometimes wish I knew more about T such as their religious/political affiliations, how much they keep up with their craft, and what kind of spouse/father are they.

Am I talking to a nice person who accepts me as I am or a sexist narcissist who hasn't read a research article in ten years that will just take my money and focus only on what they think is really an issue or what they want to work with me on? Side note* Do I really wonder ab. that with my T? No way I would broach that subject no matter how much I want to know. Talk about potentially putting them on the defensive!

Just call me worry wart.

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by dismissed feelings

I do identify with the "Do I make T angry?" worry. If I do, will they be less motivated to help me?

Then again, I always worry they are not really motivated in the first place (human nature being what it is and all) and that it's all a racket. I sometimes wish I knew more about T such as their religious/political affiliations, how much they keep up with their craft, and what kind of spouse/father are they.

Am I talking to a nice person who accepts me as I am or a sexist narcissist who hasn't read a research article in ten years that will just take my money and focus only on what they think is really an issue or what they want to work with me on? Side note* Do I really wonder ab. that with my T? No way I would broach that subject no matter how much I want to know. Talk about potentially putting them on the defensive!

Just call me worry wart.

It is ok to express your worries.

[dismissed feelings]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

It is ok to express your worries.

Thanks for your support! I just feel if I express that concern, even in a nicer way, T might feel threatened, offended, etc. I do NOT want to disappoint T! What if I've ticked T off too much already??? So nervous talking to a stranger about things, even after multiple sessions. I just feel so goofy and know I look that way when I'm rambling on and on as well. I bet T wonders how I function professionally if I am that way in session. Geez. So much stress!

[learning1]

I never asked for reassurance and I would be afraid to. I don't know as it would mean a lot to me if I asked for it anyway. Sometimes I try to remember the positive things he has said when I'm having a hard time trusting him, believing he respects me, etc.