What boundaries does your T have?

This thought was triggered by a busy thread that lots of people have been contributing to.

It seems many on here are very new to T and some have had several different T's over a long period. Others feel incredibly close to their T and others have a 6 foot wall in between them.

My T has a very blank office and I would not know anything about T from just looking around. But occasionally T has mentioned things, maybe to highlight empathy and so I know a little bit about the T outside therapy.

Actually for me, I don't like it when T shares these personal bits, it further fuels that wondering, which I know could become a focus for me.

Because of this, I understand why boundaries are so important. I just wondered what boundaries other T's may have, where do they draw the line?

I'm still in the process of finding out what new T's boundaries are. I have been seeing her for 5 months now. I know she doesn't allow emails. I tried sending her one and asking if it was okay, and she very gently told me she doesn't do therapy through email, but that i am welcome to leave her a message whenever I want. I have done it a couple of times, and she was kind enough and sweet enough to return a call, even when it wasn't necessary .
She told me several times that I can ask her questions, whatever I want, and that she doesn't promise to answer them, but she might. I haven't tried it yet.
She doesn't hug me, because she doesn't want to over-stimulate my longings for her, but that might change in the future. She does allow me to hold her hand for a second or two before I leave, if I have the need to do that.

Former T had somewhat stricter boundaries on one hand, and loser on the other hand. She allowed me to email her occasionally, but not on a regular basis. She didn't encourage phone messages, and returned calls only if she had to.
I hugged her a couple of times, but she was uncomfortable with it and asked me to stop .
When I asked her questions occasionally, such as where she was going on vacation, she would answer. But I never asked her anything other than that, I believe. She didn't give me the impression that she was open to answering my questions.
I feel all in all, former T's boundaries were stricter. I feel new T is much more open and flexible. I her.

i know for sure that i cant email,write or text.i think i can call between mon and wed.i have no idea about any others i dont ask or push it .right now i am comfortable not knowing or asking then i dont get disapointed

I'm not sure how firm my T's boundaries are exactly. I don't ask her any questions about her personal life so I don't know if she'd answer or not. I don't ask because #1. I'm not sure I want to know and #2. I'd hate to face another boundary.

No emails, no touching, no texts, no phone calls, extremely attentive to time (we never go over in session even by one minute)

My T has great boundaries, although I've never felt like they got in the way of us connecting. She will always tell me if she can't share something or if I may have overstepped a boundary. She does not have a problem with hugs. She does not email but will call back within 2-3 hours of any phone messages I leave. She does not have any personal pictures in her office but has paintings, sculptures, etc... She will share things about herself if it will help my process in some way.

My t has really healthy boundaries, but we have never had a discussion about his boundaries. It just has never come up in all these years. T doesn't do email, but he doesn't keep a computer in his office anyway so it is kind of a moot point. I wouldn't want email anyway. I've seen it cause too many problems for people here. But he is always very available via voice mail/phone calls. He keeps pretty close to his schedule, but that's really just practical and professional as he sees a full schedule of patients every day. He uses hugs and touch when appropriate, but he doesn't overly use them.

My T has never told me any specific boundaries that she has.

My first T told me straight up if she ever saw me in public she wouldn't talk to me and that the only contact between sessions was for scheduling and if I had a problem to call the crisis line. Throughout our two years together she did open up about some things she dealt with that I was also struggling with. I never felt comfortable with her though.

The only thing my current T ever said that stuck with me is that she will refer me to someone else if she feels like she cannot help me. Other than that, she seems more like a real person to me. We usually begin our session with a little chit chat catch up type conversation. She knows it helps calm my anxiety. She has given me a couple of hugs and loans me books that she thinks I might like.

My former T had very strict boundaries. She never went a minute over 50 minutes. She didn't allow hugs except at my last session. She would never have allowed me to hold her hand. She was open about her life, though. We used to see each other around the community and she would talk to me if I talked to her first. She was descreet about it, though. Therapy was in her house and I knew her H and who her kids were. She had photos of her family in her waiting room.

My current T has much looser boundaries. She lets me hold her hand and hug her, but I don't do those things each session. She lets me email but will only respond to one per week. She used to respond to them all in detail, but she changed that. She lets me call but she prefers email so Ive only called her about 3 times in over a year. She doesn't have any photos of her family in her office but she is an artist and photographer so she has her work on the walls. She also has the collage I made for her up on her wall. She will answer questions when I ask her except I get the idea she doesn't want to talk about her H. She will talk a little about her kids. She doesn't mind taking a walk with me outside of the office during a session. She won't say I love you to me but she has said how much she likes me.

I pay for 90 minutes but she will go over that if she doesn't have anyone after me, but only if I'm in the middle of something and can't wrap it up right then.

oops, I always write too much about my T.

I've never really had a discussion about boundaries with my T, we've touched on a few things, and I've come to the conclusion that my own boundaries are more strict than my T's .

She does allow and even encourage between session contact by either email, phone, or text. I have never texted her, as it just feels too casual for me. I email her usually once or twice a week - usually to process a session. I rarely call...usually only emergencies. We've talked about between session contact, and she's said that she doesn't see it ever becoming a problem with me (in fact, she'd like me to contact her more!), but if it does, she's promised to tell me.

Hugs and touching...I told her right up front that I can't deal with that, so she's never offered. Of course, now I think I might kinda appreciate it, but I don't know how to ask or if she allows it.

The only boundary she made clear in my first session is that she will not initiate contact if we encounter each other out in public somewhere. She will acknowledge me if I initiate contact, though. It's never come up as an issue, since I've never seen her outside of a session.

My T does occassionally talk about her personal life, but it's very rare, and very limited. I know the basics about her...her age, she's married with a kid, has a dog, etc. She talked briefly about the last vacation she took. And, once or twice, she's used personal examples to help drive a point home, but that's about it.

My T told me in one of my early sessions that he has very strong boundaries. We never discussed what those were, but his statement was meant to reassure me, as I had become worried I shouldn't tell him something because it was too awful for him to hear, so he was letting me know that he took really good care of himself. I appreciate that, so I know he doesn't get frustrated with his work, burnt out, overwhelmed, etc. He takes care of himself.

My T self discloses a lot, so I know a lot about him. His office is a reflection of his personality and the things that are important to him in life. We have many conversations about the interesting things in his office.

I ran up against a texting boundary once. Our session was over and I wanted to schedule my next appointment but I had left my calendar in my car. He gave me a couple of times to choose from and I asked if I could go to my car and text him from there what appointment I wanted. I really wanted to confirm immediately as his appointments fill up so fast. But he thought about it a second and then said no, I could not text him. Whoopsie. That's the only boundary I've directly come up against.

My T doesn't do phone therapy. He isn't good about answering voice mails so there's really no point in calling. He told me early on that it can take him a few days to get back to someone. I know that he only listened to voicemail during working hours anyway, not on the evenings, weekends, or holidays. His voicemail message refers people to a crisis line if they are in immediate need. I email him whenever I need to reschedule or cancel, but I don't email him about therapy or try to get him to give me advice or support by email. He just does not do therapy outside of the session. More recently he has hired a person to return his phone calls on the evenings that he works. He really likes this system as now clients can get a swifter response to their calls. This is for reschedulings. I got in the email habit for that, though, so I still email to reschedule. He was very careful to tell me he was hiring this scheduler who would be returning calls. This was really courteous because even though I haven't before done this before, maybe I might want to leave him a really personal message on his voicemail and wouldn't want a hired hand to hear it.

My T requires 24 hours notice cancellation or clients get charged for the session.

I really like that we have very separate lives and that he and I don't have frequent phone and email interactions between sessions. I like that T is in this separate space for me, and is there in his office whenever I show up for an appointment, there to help me. I don't mean to keep him in this little box, but it really works for me to have his presence in my life contained like this. Interestingly, the phone scheduler person he hired is a family member. This actually makes me want to stick with email even more, as I don't want to have a call back from his family member. I just like keeping his outside life and my outside life separate, and this would be a crossover I don't want. Is this a boundary I have? Maybe I have strong boundaries on this sort of thing too!

i like this point, sunny. i wanted to bring it up too: that i have boundaries regarding my interactions with T, that it's not all about them and what they want either.

pdoc has wanted to do a house visit once or twice, but this is something i am not ok with and have told him so. austin-t has gave me his private contact details (home address, phone number etc) on a letter once, but i asked if he wouldn't mind changing it to a blank letterhead or his practice address. he told me he knew what he was doing and didn't mind, but the problem was that i minded and i let him know, and he changed it for me.

i don't like calling after business hours; i'd much prefer sending a txt and asking for a call back the next day. austin-t and i have discussed this - it's easier for him to talk to me when he gets home, and pdoc prefers to call me on his drive home. i don't really like it much, but it's a process of give and take (lot more taking on my part!).

Like, Sunny's T, T told me very early in therapy "I have very good boundaries". I *need* very good boundaries, and it was reassuring to me, even though I had NO idea what he was talking about, since I had never been in therapy before.

We've never talked about boundaries (other than that early comment)...or rather, we've talked about MY boundaries, but not his.

I would say the boundaries have changed A LOT over the course of my therapy. Early on, I did not want to hear ANYTHING - I mean, literally ANYTHING - about his life outside of the office. I didn't want him to touch me, or even come within a few feet of me. I didn't want him to use the word "relationship" to refer to what existed between us. I told him all of those things, and he was super respectful of what I needed.

Now, four years later, I know quite a bit about his life outside of the office - but nothing that feels inappropriate. He's told me stories from his boyhood/young adulthood when it's pertinent to my therapy. I'm very comfortable with physical contact with him, and we hug at the end of sessions, and I often hold his hand to connect/ground. I'm perfectly fine with calling it a "relationship" now (T teases me about that all the time, actually).

We do have contact between sessions, but it feels "right". I e-mail or leave a voice mail, and he checks his e-mail/voice mail whenever it's convenient for him, and will reply if I ask. I like that I can reach out when I need to, and that T can have his own life and choose when to reach back.

Our relationship is very comfortable, and feels very safe. I'm super grateful for that.

I think the boundaries that T and I have are perfect for our relationship and that is all that matters-I know some people would think that they are too loose-at least in session-but I'm okay with it and so is he-and it is above all else-therapeutic and healing. We maintain different boundaries outside of sessions-I don't call him or leave emails beyond scheduling. In session he is very open and real-and has used examples from his life and family-I know a few things that most would find embarrassing to know about their T but it makes me feel like I can be more real and open with him...he is very open to touch-when appropriate and always asks...compared to the cold/weird/inaccessible T I had for a short while-I wouldn't trade it for the world!!!

I like this wording...comfortable is exactly how I would describe the relationship between T and I..and if it works..it works (and sometimes it changes)

Yes, I loved to try to tease out my own boundaries, my T's boundaries, and the boundaries she set for the therapy (not necessarily "hers" but for my comfort/protection and to protect the "frame" of therapy http://www.thepsychfiles.com/2007/04...psychotherapy/)

I think I have more boundaries than she does. =\
I hate contact in between session. Sometimes, I need it, but I dislike it. She seems to prefer emails... but I'd rather not get in touch at all, if I could help it.
Yes, I do realise I have to sometimes :P

If we run into each other in public, if I'm with people, she won't acknowledge me... but if she figures I'm alone, she'd say hi. I'm really grateful for that, because I have issues with feeling unimportant.
Other than that.... I'm not gonna hug her :\ Or... ask her to hold my hand. Too creepy.

My T and I have never discussed boundries, but like BlessedRhiannon, I believe my boundries for my self are much stricter.
My T allows emailing and phone calls between sessions (and always responds). T has gone over session time sometimes by 30 mins ( I am the last client of the day). As for hugs... I do not know.. I have made it quite clear that I absolutly can not stand physical contact from people so that has never came up.( In the 2 yrs I have seen T, I have not even shook his hand)

I am following my own boundaries, a mixture of mine and old T's. I plan on asking her tomorrow what feelings I should develop towards her so the "6 foot rift" can close a little. I could not handle in between session contact. I am a healthcare worker so I do need to ask her what I should do if I see her in public. I would panic at this point if I saw her on the outside. I do not want her to touch me. My boundaries are pretty strict.

We have discussed boundaries as I have brought them up. About the only boundary she told me upfront was about seeing each other out in public and that she would not approach me first. If I acknowleged her, she would acknowledge me.

Emails are fine and encouraged since they work for me. She will answer them as I need her to. Most everyone she has sent a reply. If I need more clarification, she will elaborate more.

She is not that much into phone calls unless they are crisis calls, or if I need to cancel an appointment. I have only called her twice in 17 months. I normally text her first and ask her if it is a good time to call.

As far as time goes, I normally stay 90 minutes. Some of her clients only stay 60 minutes. She basically said that it depends on the client. Some are ready to go in an hour. She said that I need more time to process, so she gives that to me. No extra charge. The same fee whether I stay 60 minutes or 2 hours.

No touching at all until it is our last session. What's the point then?

I know alot about her personal life, her family, kids, etc...She has no problem talking with me about things unless I am using it to deflect from focusing on myself.

I like the comment about being comfortable with T. That's how it is for me too. We've known each other while he worked inpatient and now , in his own practice. We email back and forth, I know his address cause I wanted to mail him something, I have his cell # and he has mine. The first time I asked for a hug, he asked what it would mean. I appreciated that and once I explained, he gave me a hug. I know where he vacations, about his family and even invited him to my daughters wedding. He couldn't justify going to the reception, but did attend the ceremony. I look at him like an old friend.