[Elli-Beth]

It doesn't matter anyway.

[beauflow]

Grr i'm upset even more about the stupid boyfriend's friend it draws the line i'm gettin him a new phone

I just hate it when i want to talk and i can't and like he can't hear me. I'm upset he didn't take my advice with swapping it with in the first thirty days. But i still feel at fault due to he switched to my phone company that i use but still. Grr

[skysblue]

This isn't supposed to be my life. This is not me, is it? What happened? Who am I?

[SoupDragon]

Not great. Think I am going to gave to give in and take time off work.

[WePow]

Was in a very bad place yeserday and T made time to see me :-) He had a friend with him from out of town but he stayed in the back office. He really helped me out yesterday when I needed him the most.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Very Scared.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

Very Scared.

I think it would probably be good to examine the details of that "scaredness", and to tell us about it. Learning what you can, even of scary emotions, and sharing the burdens with others can lessen how much they intimidate you. FWIW.

[PleaseHelp]

Really disappointed with my T and the appointment. She's been asking me to track how I'm feeling and write about it. I have been, which has not been easy for me. I've dropped them off before my appointments (like she asked) so that she could read them. She hasn't read them EVER, I've been doing this for a month. I don't even see the point any more. why ask me to do it, if you aren't even going to bother to read it! Very upset, no I didn't tell her that. I just said whatever.

We talked about how stressed I am, she kept bringing up going back into the hospital and is this how I want my holidays to be. I flipped out. I've been in the hospital once during the holiday season, that was last year at the beginning of Dec for 3 days! She kept pushing that I need to slow down and relax and all this other stuff. I shut down and then flipped. Told her again, why I NEED to keep so busy during the holiday season. If I don't keep busy all the stuff from the past comes back. She was saying how I need to take a break and not be so busy with the girls. Focusing on the girls during the holidays and making it about them is the only way I get through the holidays. Otherwise I start thinking about my childhood and all the bad memories flashback and I start thinking about the baby I lost and how I'd have an 8 yr old running around along with our twins. I just need to get through until the end of this month.

It doesn't help that the SO is so busy with finals coming up and his hand injury, that he's stressed out and super cranky. He doesn't understand why I'm stressed out and I wont remind him why b/c he has enough on his plate. I just want to cry.

I'm at work trying to keep it together. I have so much to do here to. But I needed to get out how I was feeling. Sorry for the long rambling.

Its been almost two weeks since i heard anything from my T and i am SOOOOO worried something happened to her shes been out if the country for four months now and i miss her so much

[PleaseHelp]

I'm about ready to fall apart. My SO jumped down my throat when I called him to tell him something about his family. At this point, I don't even want to go home after work. I don't want to deal with him and his crabbiness. I am trying really damn hard to keep it together at work. I'm almost in tears. How am I suppose to make phone calls if I'm crying or my voice sounds like I'm about to break. Hate this!

[pachyderm]

(((((PH)))))

[Nelliecat]

...............

Just feeling really sick with the anxiety, still. Have felt sort of... removed... from things today, almost like I'm behind a screen, and I've had to really concentrate to see what's going on and hear what people are saying. People talking at me has just seemed like noise, and I've had to work not to feel irritated at every last little thing.

T tomorrow, at least that's the plan. I'm just hoping I wake up feeling well enough and focused enough to drive.

[eclogite]

So nervous/anxious about T tomorrow. I have no idea where we stand, but I think there may have been a rupture. I'm a wreck about her. I've been doing ok (good mood & whatnot) when I haven't been around her, but very anxious when I think about her. I'm nervous about tomorrow going poorly. It'll be a little while before I see her again after tomorrow. I want tomorrow to end on a good note but I'm all over the place in terms of her right now.

I went to a session tonight after no therapy last week because of Thanksgiving. It was nice to be back, good to see my T--he told me he was thinking of me during the holiday which made me smile It was kind of funny because I sat down and sort of blurted out "How are you doing?" and then said "Wait, you're supposed to be asking me that" The therapeutic relationship is a strange one for sure... sometimes I wish I could have a 2-way conversation where he does tell me more about himself but I know that's not how this works.

[nicoleb2]

I feel like I am losing it. I feel like my brain and body are on super speed. I contacted my T (which if you've read my recent updates, you'll know why this was INCREDIBLY hard for me). She's concerned that it might be a med issue, nurse line wants me to call pdocs office, which I can't do till tomorrow.
He'll probably ignore me till my appointment on Friday anyway.
I can't handle this feeling. I want to SI to make it go away!!

[kaliope]

so sad to hear everybody struggling so much. big group hug. i wish there was something i could say to make you all feel better. if anybody wants to PM me just to cry or spill their frustrations feel free. i am here to listen.

i had something scary happen tonight. i taught class till 730. locked up that door and then had to walk the length of the building outside and let myself in the main entrance. it was so so cold and i was only wearing my heavy wool sweater. i shut down my office while the other late person shut down hers. she met me in the hall and said my lips were blue. by the time we got up to the main office my chest was tight and i could not catch my breath. it was like i was having a panic attack. i started to cry. i felt so stupid. a panic attack from being cold? i had her go to my car and get my coat so i could go outside again. my chest still hurts and its an hour and a half later. i feel so ridiculous.

hope everybody gets to feeling better.

[PleaseHelp]

Kaliope: thanks for the hugs. How scary about your chest being tight. Hope your feeling better.

Group hugs to all

I did tell my SO why I was so stressed and that I felt like I was gonna lose it. Told him that I know school is important to him but that I was beginning to feel like a single parent on the weekends that we have the girls and that I need his help b/c I'm at my breaking point. I really don't think he had any idea what was going on. He said he would work hard to get caught up so he could spend time with us this weekend. Which I'm glad, but also makes me feel a bit bad b/c I know that means he'll be studying non-stop b/t classes and staying up late. He did promise to give us Sunday to decorate the tree & house as a family. I felt better after I talked and cried. Can't wait for this semester to be over.

Asleep at around 11pm, woke up at 1am, finally got to sleep again around 8, and up at 11am to get ready to drive to my appointment. Managed to keep calm enough to drive without freaking out or feeling sick. Feel somewhat better and calmer now after a long, long, LONG talk with my kind and understanding therapist. I think I spilled just about every thought in my head today, which leaves it delightfully empty

[kaliope]

I feel really anxious today. Dont know if its left over from my anxiety attack last night but I feel like Id rather cry than work, but today is a long day. Thankfully my first client cancelled. I have a new one next, then we are having a volunteer appreciation party, two more clients then teach class this evening. Its one of my long days. No solace till 8 tonight. I just searched. I do have a klonopin stashed here so I can take it if it gets too bad. It feels that way now so I may say WTF. I did. I just said WTF.

I have been off my Haldol for nearly two weeks now. It was my miracle drug, my magic wand that stabilized me. I have taken it for two years and been doing great. new pdoc says i am not psychotic so i should not be treated with an antipsychotic. this last week I have been having such a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. i wonder if its related. ive never had a problem getting up.

hugs to all

[beauflow]

first- I hope all are doing well


it snowed here in colorado all day Thursday- it has stopped now for a bit, I am told the roads have been again plowed well....

I talked to my boyfriend- he says he wants me to drive tonight...

I have not had therapy in over 2 weeks, but I remember the EMDR exerciser that my T wanted me to do after the accident- it was not full out EMDR but it was still enough that I get the idea... I tried best to tap in good thoughts tonight as I wait to go to work---

See my accident in October it was not the snow- I drove in the snow fine, it was the night after the snow it was foggy and I just am not experience in the fog- misjudgement...

It is sort of like a repeat- it is how colorado is with weather a lot- i should be use to that, just the driving I am not-- I took off about 3 years of driving and just started driving this March 2011, the spring, summer and fall were ok- but this winter .. sigh.. I already had hang ups with the snow with child hood accidents or reckless driving from my mother..

I just try to keep "tapping in good thoughts".. It will be ok, accidents happen, just because it is similar night does not mean a repeat of the same-- in all nothing can be the same to come to think about it--- it will be ok.. I know better now, I think i will go slow and pull over if need to for either self or cars behind me.. it will be ok, I am usually a good driver, I just had an accident.

Thanks all for allowing me to be here on PC-- it is a help

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Time to be hospitalized. Putting it off til Monday, but know it's for the best to go. Feel relieved and really sad. Tried so hard thru outpatient 2x/week + meds + EMDR, but the monster is winning. I have too much to live for not to spend a few weeks gaining clarity and coping skills. Wish me well please. I'll miss you.
Bub

[beauflow]

Bub get well

[kaliope]

(((bubsmiley))) I know that is such a difficult choice to hospitalize yourself. i am glad you are taking the time you need to get things sorted out. i hope they treat you well there. my thoughts are with you.

made it thru the day less anxious after taking klonopin. tired. glad friday is upon me. volunteered to work toys for tots on saturday if i was needed so hopefully my boss forgot and does not call on my services as i would rather just veg. i already committed to paint class on sunday. i need at least one down day for the weekend. out of my peripheral vision i am seeing the little hugs moving and my arrow is spinning and the icons on the side are moving and it is really like way too much going on, overwhelming me right now. too much stimulation. should i just chalk it up to a bad day or worry that something is going wrong with me?

well i hope everybody is well. hugs for all

[nicoleb2]

So frustrated today. Feeling really weird again. Have to go see pdoc tomorrow and am very angry with him for ignoring my phone calls for 5 weeks, so it's going to be a tense appointment...
Yuck. I wanna just stay in bed forever