[beauflow]

OH the Ride to work was --- ok, To be honest with you all I almost started to cry when a patch of lite fog hit me while driving, but I kept telling myself as I drove- I can still see in front of me-- I can still see so it is ok, it was just a patch.... I did drive slow, and with one road that I could not tell if it was just wet or ice- I drove like 30 mph on it.. sorry. But no one else was around so it is ok.
That was another plus- no one was around for my whole drive to work!

Thank the Plow Trucks- Really Thank them with all the stars in the sky-! they do such a wonderful job at where i am.

Sigh--Other things on my mind of what I was going to first write before being like update!- is I see T next Monday (she will be back from her 2 week vacation)-- I am a little scared to, soo much has been going on esp with thanksgiving holiday- and the last time I was there with her I cried about something.... I fear she will bring it up and I will put on my hard shell and be like whatever T- whatever! it is not a big thing now is it?
I guess what I am afraid is that T will see this other(s) side of me, I am not sure what sides she has seen though to be honest.. IDK such a trivial thing for someone going to therapy be worried about, no?

I know a person can have different "persona's", and that is "normal"; but still.... sigh

I just worry then to think--- I have to see a pdoc-- do i really want meds?? I should had stuck it out when I was on board for it right? i keep changing my mind, yes no maybe... nothing wrong with me, i am a total wreck... sigh.. Blah

[skeksi]

Good job beauflow!

[pbutton]

Great job beauflow! I have driving anxiety and can relate. It's tough! You really handled it well, good for you.

(((bub)))
(((nicole)))
(((kaliope)))
well done beauflow!

I'm still feeling quite relaxed... maybe too relaxed, ha, not much motivation to get up out of bed and do anything! But, at least I don't feel sick. Win. May drive to the supermarket in a bit... super exciting

[nicoleb2]

Words cannot even describe how angry I am right now. My daughter's school is trying to screw her out of any help that she is legally entitled to because of her ADHD.
I have to go see my pdoc soon and I'm angry with him because he ignored me for 5 weeks...
I'm so tired of life right now! I want to run, I want to SI just to calm down, even a little bit. this is not good

[delicatefade26]

I'm not feeling good...my stomach is all messed up and I'm exhausted...I hate never having energy-I just want to sleep all the time and my body hurts..im stressed with how much work I have...I can't wait for Christmas break! I can't wait to see T on Tuesday...I need a huggy from him : )

[nicoleb2]

Today has been an AWFUL day. My 9 year old came home crying again because she is afraid she is going to fail school, and the school says they can't help her anymore because her behaviors aren't related to her ADHD (I'd like to know whose expert opinion that was).
Then, I saw my pdoc finally. He blew off the fact that he ignored me for 5 weeks, had written a new prescription and was up and ready to leave the room in 3 minutes. I started asking questions and got told to bring a printout of my insurance formulary next time, and here's my prescriptions this time.
So my new prescription is Ritalin. Here's the dose:
5mg
1-2 pills, 3-4 times/per day.
I get to pick how many pills I want and how often I want to take them. Asked for input, he told me to "mess around" till I find the right dose...

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

Today has been an AWFUL day. My 9 year old came home crying again because she is afraid she is going to fail school, and the school says they can't help her anymore because her behaviors aren't related to her ADHD (I'd like to know whose expert opinion that was).
Then, I saw my pdoc finally. He blew off the fact that he ignored me for 5 weeks, had written a new prescription and was up and ready to leave the room in 3 minutes. I started asking questions and got told to bring a printout of my insurance formulary next time, and here's my prescriptions this time.
So my new prescription is Ritalin. Here's the dose:
5mg
1-2 pills, 3-4 times/per day.
I get to pick how many pills I want and how often I want to take them. Asked for input, he told me to "mess around" till I find the right dose...

That sounds like some BS NicoleB I am sorry that you are going through *such a rough time- and have a Pdoc that is like this--- Couldn't sit with you and talk...

I read this the other day:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...nd-therapists/

the second one down-" this is why the doctor went to medical school, not me."

Play around with it-- that is ridiculous




-----------------------------------------------------------------------
thanks everyone for the support- the morning had fog- I stayed at work for a bit, which everyone was ok with...

Sigh- I was talking to my boyfriend this morning when I got home, we were talking about therapy-- I have to be honest, I like talking with T but all the things she has suggested I already have been trying for coping methods-- I need to be more honest, and as my boyfriend said - talk to her more about my sui and si thoughts and doing it infront of people when I get so angry or upset.... I don't in real life, have not for a while now, but I still get quiet bad urges to.,.. I will try.. Need to make up my list of things to talk about soon with her

[nicoleb2]

I think maybe, I might be bypassing seriously depressed and going to numb instead. I just don't care. I don't care if I take the meds or if I don't. I don't care if I live or if I don't. I really.just.don't.care.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I think maybe, I might be bypassing seriously depressed and going to numb instead. I just don't care. I don't care if I take the meds or if I don't. I don't care if I live or if I don't. I really.just.don't.care.

NicoleB- IDK what to say- but please take care

[beauflow]

UGH_- I Feel utterly agitated and I really don't know why- I have lost so much time today- I will be honest- when I first came to work- I got to cracking on what to do, then that slowly tapper-ed off on me doing nothing but being dazed in my small peanut brain of a human.

Earlier I was doing 4 things but not gettin any of the 4 things done- Piss myself off-

I am annoyed with what my boyfriend/Significant other said earlier and yes I told him- we are different (his sister and I) and need to be treated different..

I am upset when I remember back to what she said of "How she would like to stay in bed all day but she has kids to take care of"... it pisses me off cuz it shows she does not understand depression for some people- I can at least admit I don't with all either, but I don't make ignorant statements of the such to others-- It is like-- i feel judged when I remember that.

And as far as my S/O-- I am not sure what he is trying to get at-- Like I am not sure if he does not want to listen to the Pdoc and T's Dx's or he just hopes I am not as bad as they say--

For about a year he has said I need a mood stabalizer-- now he is like - "you just need some anti-anxiety meds that is what my sister takes and she does good on them"

I told him his sister is not Bipolar or Borderline traits-- I did not go into the whole- she did not have the child hood and life that I did- her PTSD comes from other things later in her life that I don't lessen when I am saying that to myself- I am glad she did not have a childhood like mine, I am sad that she got into car accidents that made it where she had to give up on her dreams- I do feel for her on that.. but we are not the same-

I am sorry- I just needed to write this some where due to I think it is part of agitation and unable to ****ing stay on track with stuff right now.



***************************************************
And ABOUT 30 minutes later after I wrote that- i am realizing something-- I am probably so agitated due to my personal things, my stem of PTSD-- and with that what my boyfriend is doing with compairing in ways to me to his sister------ it is triggering something in me that I wont post on here- but something that leads back to the PTSD when I was a child--- FML on that- I really dislike that...

I love my boyfriend; I just don't think he gets all of this all the time.
And in addition- I don't know always that I am being triggered- I just know some times I am sad, agitated and so forth-- but IDK I stepped outside and looked at the puzzle pieces--- these things seem to match up.

The anxiety hasn't come back yet, but I'm still feeling rather down. I can't shake the feeling that I'm always going to be an outsider - in all areas of my life. I always feel like I'm 'tagging along' or a 'hanger on', encroaching - intruding, even... that no one really wants me around at all - and why would they? I know this is 'negative' thinking, some may say 'distorted' ... but I don't know, I think my perceptions can be quite accurate. I know I'm sensitive - too sensitive sometimes - but is it so crazy to want to be wanted? For once in my life?
Ha, yeah... I know, right?

[kaliope]

Im tired. I volunteered for toys for tots again this weekend, this time bagging toys for the families. it was a real bummer because we did not have a lot to choose from. like nothing for 10-12 year old girls at all so they are ending up with yatzee, glow in the dark stars, and color and paint sets. teen age boys are getting axe body wash. its so sad. tomorrow i go to paint class. i feel so conflicted because i am scheduling things to do on the weekends so that i am not just vegging in my pajamas and sleeping all day which makes me feel bad about my self, but then i dont feel like i get any down time because i am going out of the house every day. (but it is a thinking error that i dont get any down time because even going out, this is only a few hours so i still spend hours a day on the computer and watching tv) its just that i am used to being such a borderline agoraphobic hermit.

so i cant shake this feeling that i am about to get into big trouble. any day now, i am going to be sat down and get lectured about something i did wrong. i find myself talking to myself on a regular basis, assuring myself everything is ok, that i havent done anything wrong. is this paranoia?

hope everybody is doing well. hugs to all.

[nicoleb2]

Another rough day. I si'd last night (or more accurately, very early this morning). It didn't help. I think I got 2 hours of sleep, maybe.
It's been a really long day. Went to 2 cemetaries today to put stuff out on the graves of my mom, dad, and grandparents.
Got an explanation of benefits from the hospital from my car accident. Diagnosis listed are BPD, depression, and bipolar. I have never been diagnosed bipolar, so I think I'm going to request copies of my records to see what is in them...

[kaliope]

why would they be giving you mental health diagnoses for a car accident?

[WePow]

Challenging day today with mate putting out holiday stuff. That is always a VERY triggering thing for me. Ugg. Will be so glad when Dec is over! I wanted to drink and otherwise act out but I ended up just wrapping the stuff for my neices and being dissociative and very sad. IDK. Was hearing my T's voice over and over tell me how I have all these rescources. And he is right. I do. So why in the #$%# can't I use them when I need to use them? I should just be OK by now I guess. IDK. I don't want to talk about it any more

Maybe I did use them. I made it through the day sober. ha ha.

A disappointing day. Things are bothering me. I hate December. Just woken up after a couple hours sleep and I just feel so lost, alone, and tearful. It's so hard to keep clinging on, hoping for some kind of future. I hate feeling this way, I so badly want to be able to snap out of it.

At least I'm feeling more relaxed since I spoke to my T on Thursday, that's something. I'm depressed, but at least I don't feel physically ill with anxiety AND depressed...! For now, anyway.

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by kaliope

why would they be giving you mental health diagnoses for a car accident?

I have no idea, unless they just included it because it's part of my record from when I've been there before.

This is the same place that repeatedly asked me if I was trying to kill myself by crashing all because of a history of depression and BPD (Keep in mind, I had a big bruise from the SEATBELT i was wearing...).

I'm just really interested in who decided I have bipolar... gotta check it out

[nicoleb2]

Stressed again, as usual.

I see my T tomorrow and am going to have to admit that I si'd yesterday. I hate having to admit that I feel like a complete failure (probably because I am, but I hate it anyway)

Not gonna be taking the ritalin my pdoc wanted me to take, since it's not available at any pharmacies near me. Apparently there are issues with supply or something still. Now I have to call pdoc's office and hope I get a call back before my next appointment in 5 weeks.

[Nelliecat]

I've had a busy and tiring weekend. I still feel physically rough, achy, headachy and shaky, tired and tearful and I have loads I ought to do today. I really don't want to do any of it. I want to get into bed and sleep.

[beauflow]

stressing about therapy today. can't sleep have been up for a bit. Anyways. Therapy today after like a two week break due to t had vacation. two major things i am stressin about. 1) the self harm and suicidal thoughts i have due to work and ppl at work that trigger me. sadly mostly my supervisor. 2) That i feel like she wants to get rid of me in therapy. that she either is too busy and i'm not worth the help. or this is my own fear with not getting help or having to go on medication. and that i'm not sure he therapy is helping me. all therapy suggestions i've been doing. Some i have learned to elaborate on though. and my t is good to talk to for things i can't talk to about with my significant other. but those are a few things due to i do talk with my significant other a lot even if it takes time. anyways. i don't know i'm stuck with wantin to quit but feel i need help. and to add on i just dropped my insurance due to not being able to afford it, how am i to afford medication!? sigh

[beauflow]

god idk what to do. or whats going on. my boyyfrend just told me he just supports whatever i am ''what i'm planning'' so in other words just agreeing with me. told him i really dont need that, i need some talking as in if it is a goo da or not. tell him stuff to g input not to just be agreedwit. so i am going to stick with my crap insurance, even thou i cant really afford it but i ant find any other as about same price wit equal or bette overage. i will figure out some thing. agitating, we had talked about this health insurance and getti a sharedplan guess i am dulusional blah w/e...... blah... ill see how it goes today with t anyways maybe i can find a t wi my crap insurance

[delicatefade26]

Not in a good space mentally or emotionally this morn...really bad thoughts : (
I emailed T just to ask for a quick prayer if he were to see the email...I didn't tell him the bad thoughts part...just that I was in a horrible space...I don't feel good at all today either...my stomach and head hurt and I'm exhausted...and I have so much work to do its insane...I don't know if I can make it

[delicatefade26]

My T emailed me back with an amazing response...I immediately started bawling-it was exactly what I needed to hear..I'm so thankful for T...like he said I will make it through <3

[mcl6136]

Gah! Last weekend was hard...did not find my feet, get my groove, see my stride until Sunday and then it seemed like a little ridiculous weekend and now...work!

Work gets in the way of therapy.......