Today was a good day. Not sure what I will do with myself for the next two weeks that school is out.

[crazycanbegood]

Found out godmother/cousin and her husband have had strokes. Yet more reasons to lose all my excess weight. I know it will also make me happier. if only I were not addicted to SUGAR!

[nicoleb2]

I chipped my already chipped tooth and it hurts. Makes me want to throw up.
Have an 8:30 meeting at school for my daughter to see what interventions they will do before she gets real help.
Therapy at noon, DBT at One.

[AniManiac]

Don't know what to tell T today - was doing well last week, not so much this week. Probably won't have to say much of anything anyway; he seems to pick up on moods right away.

Having a really hard time keeping it together this morning. Just keep telling myself it will pass.

[beauflow]

So I have made up my notes-- and I noted I have nothing about my simi "melt down" that I did share with Pdoc but I see my T today-- Ill probably bring it up- maybe I should write it down- maybe T will bring it up IDK-- sigh--- going to talk bout tyring this med that Pdoc suggested...

Hopefully it will not snow on my way to and from appt today--

Hugs to all and hope all are doing well

[PleaseHelp]

I had a long, busy weekend and I'm drained. I love when the girls come to visit, but its just too short of a time to get things done; Sat 10am - Sun 7pm. I swear all we do is go go go. I'm sure I put high expectations on myself to do stuff with them and keep busy. Part of it is I want to spend what time we have together dong meaningful things, other part I know they don't get that kind of attention at their mom's. And Christmas time is even busier b/c there is more to get done and more they want to do. I've tried to cut back this year, but it hasn't worked so well. My SO said "next year I don't want you over extending yourself. I think it would be better if we bought more gifts, I know you like to make things for people. But honey, I don't like to seeing you this stressed out and have a short fuse. You put too much pressure on yourself." I hear him, but I'm not the type to just go buy things, I think its too impersonal. But I agree I need to not make things that are so time consuming and intricate.

I totally blew up in front of the kids (which I can normally control) yesterday morning making breakfast. I messed up SO's eggs and just flipped. Started swearing and saying all this stuff about being a failure and not being able to do anything right. The girls were like that's not true mom, we love you and you do great. Then I felt even worse. I did apologize when we ate breakfast. But still I hate for them to see me like that.

I have T this week and I haven't done any of the "homework" she asked me to do. I really should read what she asked me to, it could probably help right now. But I don't seem to either find the time or the motivation.

Glad its a short work week.

(((Everyone))))

[Chopin99]

I'm at work and just wasn't feeling it. My favorite MR/DD client came in and just spent five minutes holding my hand. Pure love from a pure heart. Who could ask for more?

Have an appt with T at 2 & i'm so anxious. I don't know why but my stomach is in knots, I'm thinking about what I want to talk about today, I want to cry but can't, & I want to cut 8(...why me?

[beauflow]

T session good today--- though at the same time--- it was like- we have went over this, but I am seeing it right now as encouragement- And she did try to help again with suggestion with safe place-- having such a difficult time with that one-- but I will try her suggestion (think of a memory where I felt controlled, write it down, stick it in my pocket, when i feel in need to go to safe place, read note, then go to safe place or try) as I told her-- I hate to say can't but I just can't at times of anger do this or of upsetness do it-- told me, that if i catch myself saying I can't try to encourge self with can-- this is difficult, and she agreed it would be-- but practice

i again gave T my notes that wrote down, this session was shorter due to she has a lot of clients today which I told her that was ok- understand -- Lots of people having trouble with the holidays- totally understand..

T and also talked about her profession- (this due to when I was younger I used to want to be psychologist or a therapist but then as I got older was scared to help myself, and then really realized i have not a grip on my own issues.. however i still ponder on the idea)... T told me that with the profession, a lot of internalizing and triggering can happen and ya do have to have your stuff together... And i realize that, sort of like she is a strong person for doing what she does. she is along with others.

We also talked about my work-- she asked if my boyfriend falls out of Lead position why don't I take it-- I think she sees that I could, but I told her not right now with how I am with emotions and anger towards people- I think it would be too much stress. (OH yeah we talked about that too him going to a different dept. I am glad but some things need to be figured out with it as well).

I also did mention the mini melt down, asked my boyfriend to be able to contact her or her team, incase I get out of control with these meds that I will be trial basing right now. She likes that I am recognizing things- like my dissociation when I had my car accident. we talked a little on that- no real solution right now- i imagine we will come back to it.

I always feel I am missing some things in myself that i do that I don't realize though, and it is hard to bring it up due to either I forget or I am not realizing it.

next session in January WOW---- due to holidays,.... eekk it will be ok...

I forgot to mention about i think in an odd way the spending the holidays with my boyfriends family these few years- (I had it in my notes though that I gave her)- some how triggers me in an odd way-- i started to think on that when the Pdoc asked after my mini melt down explination-- what are you doing for the holidays--- all years before, I use to work and just ignore the holidays- this year I am furloughed, and the past 2 years and now, I am acknowledging them.. in some ways yes I feel pressure-- this my boyfriend does not understand- him and I talked about it.... he says nothing much is being asked of me-- I can sort of beg to differ with that--- i am to realize again i don't have my family, I am to realize that I am spending holidays with his family and I don't see mine--- yeah not much asked but I am to acknowledge the holidays-
With this I do not expect him to understand- I just wish to find some coping with it--- and I will always try as I do-

I am hoping this next holiday i wont feel so chaotic in my head while at his parents... I think it may be ok, the little ones wont be there so just adults.. which i think may help.

Well I have babbled enough-- thanks all for letting me jot down my thoughts-

I hope all are doing well

I hope all that are not doing so well to find their way of coping

And I hope all the best of the best and to get better as I do with myself-



Oh I totally forgot to give my T the reindeer i had brought her- geez--

I think the weekend wore me out, as I slept most of today. I keep thinking about what my therapist said to me about M.E... and I'm really hoping I don't have it. The exhaustion/fatigue is just the depression, right?!

I made a trip to the supermarket tonight, and it was really busy. It was difficult for me to relax and browse, because people seemed to be coming at me from all directions, but I forced myself to stay and shop (for which I rewarded myself with a new air freshener for my car... ) I didn't know what food to buy, because I'm going through a weird phase of not knowing what to eat, again. I didn't want to get anything unhealthy - chocolate, biscuits, cake - but I didn't find anything else at all appealing. In the end I settled for a bag of apples and some cartons of fruit smoothies, and that's pretty much it...

I got home feeling shaky, and having a hot sweat. Made dad turn the heating off, and he's like 'it's December' and I'm like 'I'm going to pass out it's so hot in here!' This anxiety is so uncomfortable. That was about an hour ago. I'm freezing now. And tired again.

[SoupDragon]

Was having a good couple of weeks and now I have hit a low again - old faithful coping strategies - feel that I have let T down. I just keep ending back here. Seeing T tomorrow and I just know that hour is not going to be long enough after the break I enforced - I feel very distant from him right now.

[nicoleb2]

Started my morning trying to push for my daughter to get a 504 plan. A 20 minute meeting turned into a 1 hour meeting.
Then I had therapy... yuck
Then I had DBT, and some major conflict was happening. I hate conflict
On our way home, my radiator started having a major leak. I was on the phone with my sister and she and my husband started fighting, through me.

$600 to fix my vehicle... great.

God, why does everything happen at once? I can't take this anymore. I need to disappear.

[beauflow]

Great--- I have been trying to text my brother for a few days now due to I was not able to talk to him-- I finally get it up to call him and his phone is off- I contacted his friend's "wife" that had the phone on via FB (I know evil but it is the only way that I have for her-) any ways------

It is so freaking sad, I can't get answer right away so what do I do-- i starting looking into the jail's public records to see if he is in intake or in the daily roll call... I am sorry but I just always fear the worse when i can not get ahold of him..

damn it I bought him **** too, and I made him a bear- he has been in my thoughts so much-- I just can't deal with the toxic thinking he has when he is depressed and when I am depressed... I could just scream right now with the not knowing where he is right now and scream at myself for not calling him earlier.

So the neat thing about CO and I am sure other US states- you can search online for people in jail .. he did not pop up- that is a relief for that, I can't bear to do this again... Now just my other swing of the thought will only be disappearing when i see him

[WePow]

Very odd day. Found out some things about the job ... some good and some different. Bottom line is I ended up with a bit of a large bonus for the end of the year. It is strange because it is almost enough to pay for my therapy this past year! So it is strange how the universe managed to work this out for me. Here I am pulling away from my T and thinking how much money I can save by just being emotionless on my own the way it has always been anyway... and then this happens. So very very odd. I see my T tommorow. I have not emailed him since last week. And I am not sure if I even want to talk about that if he does ask. The bonus should have left me feeling good, but it feels the same inside - exhausted to be alive. I think I could win the lottery and I would still feel this way. Not sure if that is good, bad, or just the way it is.

[kaliope]

I think I am ready to crack. I was b i t c h y to a coworker who didnt deserve it today. She was just approaching me to have me draw a name for the scarf exchange they decided to have later this week. For me it was just one more thing to worry about and i didnt want to deal with it. I just happened to run into her when I was on my way to get the chrismas food baskets sorted out. I didnt have much time. We needed bags to get the baskets together but did not have them. I called my boss over at toys for tots and asked if there were bags there and she said there were tons so i went to get them. Well we got tons of toys this weekend that needed counting and sorting so my boss pulled me off the food baskets to work toys for tots instead. so i counted like a thousand toys before my first client was due and then went back to the office. thankfully my client no showed and i got back to the christmas baskets and got the volunteers working on them and they got over four hundred of them bagged up by the end of the day. hopefully tomorrow morning they can bag up the hams and pies before i get there at noon to hand them out. i see T tomorrow morning. my boss has already asked if i could work tomorrow morning but i told her i wouldnt give up T. i am glad i stood my ground.

I cant wait for this week to be over with and then i will finally be able to relax. i only have to work two days the following week. its just getting thru this one. i hope i can make it. maybe i should just take klonopin everyday for a safety measure.

hugs to everyone.

[mommyof2girls]

OMG!!!!!

[beauflow]

i feel like crap. like i cant stop thinking whats up with my bro, atleast one of his friends contacted back of they will let me know if they hear from them.

on top of it i just got the phone with pdoc, my script is in... i forgot to ask if i have tocall the pharmacy to ask if i can get today.. i feel right now as if i have cavved in to be taking meds. good lord... idk even if my insurance has covered this. anyways.

i just want to sleep now

[Nelliecat]

I'm ok despite seeing T for the last time til January.

Wishing love to everyone

Very tired. Didn't sleep well last night. It's been one of those 'everything is too much f****** effort!' days. Been a right grump.

Therapy tomorrow. No idea what to talk about. Not sure I want to think about anything too deep right now - this time of year is hard enough, right?

[pbutton]

Feeling crappy right now. I have an appt with T tomorrow. At my last session 2 weeks ago T originally offered me an appt in January, I got very angry and now I have this one in December instead. I feel like he wanted to give the December appt to someone who needed it more and now I'll go in tomorrow and be the greedy person who doesn't really need to be there. Sucks.

[kaliope]

Another day down. Spent the day being very cold passing out xmas food baskets, over 250 of them. It went very smoothly thank god. Now i am sitting here all bundled up coughing so much Im triggering my gag reflex. The hot tea with honey and lemon isnt really helping me much.

had T today. told him i felt ready to crack under all this work stress. asked for advice on how to keep it together. he tells me to keep up the good work that he thinks i am handling it well. he also tells me today that i have a unique way of communicating that confuses people. he used an example from when i was in group. he said i said something like, "im scared. this will be the first time i lived alone. i dont know what to do." then i got like twenty minutes of feedback from the group before i let them know they misunderstood. i wasnt scared about living alone, it was the price of gas and i was uncertain of which town i should move to. but he says i do it to him all the time. i will throw something out there and let him go through a whole explanation before i tell him thats not what i meant at all. he says he has learned he really has to fish around and question me quite a bit to really know what direction i am going before he goes into one of his routines. but the most interesting??? thing about therapy today,,,,,,,,he clipped and cleaned his nails during session.

hope everybody is doing well.......hugs to all

[nicoleb2]

I'm doing ok today. I'm getting a cold, still fighting with my daughters school, but doing ok.
A friend of mine's cousin had a baby a couple days ago, and the baby is fighting for her life, so anything I am going through really doesn't compare right now

[delicatefade26]

I'm not doing so good today...I'm really anxious...I took 4 klonopin so I hope that kicks in soon!! I'm stressed over money...and I just haven't felt right recently...I have been triggered with PTSD stuff and I think I just can't calm down all the way...I'm trying to channel the safety of T and to give it to God...

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by kaliope

but the most interesting??? thing about therapy today,,,,,,,,he clipped and cleaned his nails during session.

I would SO not be okay with that! THAT would trigger my gag reflex for sure! I would go NUTS at work when I heard that clipper clicking sound! I just envisioned somebody's disgusting fingernail piecelet flying over the cubicle wall and plashing into my coffee! Yes, I am a licensed manicurist now, but TIME AND PLACE, people, TIME AND PLACE!!!

Originally Posted by hankster

I would go NUTS at work when I heard that clipper clicking sound! I just envisioned somebody's disgusting fingernail piecelet flying over the cubicle wall and plashing into my coffee

Haha, Hankster, you always make me laugh I hate that clipper clicking sound, it goes through me -- use nail scissors, people! (But not during therapy, WTF is up with that?! lol)

------------------

Had my last therapy session of the year today... I'll only miss one session, but ! Still, I think maybe the holidays is just a weird time for therapy - like today, we kinda kept things light I think. Glad, because I didn't want to come away on a downer. Not sure how constructive a session between xmas and new year would actually be - I imagine T would be in holiday mode even if I wasn't! She deserves some time off anyways, right? I noticed she had a few little xmas decorations dotted about the room today, and I had to keep from glaring at them, lol - xmas is invading everywhere, even the tranquil space of T's nice little home office! I must have been in a good mood though because on the drive over I didn't curse and switch the radio over when xmas tunes inevitably came on, like I've been doing without exception the last few weeks...